Feeling More Alone Than Ever

Last night I was laying in bed cuddled up to the man of my dreams. I’m not really sure how the conversation started but I was sharing memories. Memories of my life before him. The life that made me who I am. As I was sharing, he shut me down. He asked me to stop. He told me he didn’t want to hear such depressing stuff. He proceeds to tell me he just wants to enjoy me. I felt an instant low. This isn’t the first time he has shut me down for sharing. In fact it happens all the time. He does the same to the kids. Our memories are NOT all sunshine and daisy’s. Most of it is sad. Mine even more so. The thing is are they really sad? I mean yea I went through some shit but I over came some shit! Doesn’t that therefore make those memories triumphs? I sat in bed wanting so badly to explain to my love how it feels to have just one person to confide and that one person doesn’t want you too. I haven’t had the courage to share before him. I knew no one wanted to hear my story. I have courage now but it’s all on deaf ears. I need so badly to share. I need to just get it all out. Be held. Be loved for all the bad that was my life. As I laid next to him and cried trying to hide it he apologized. I know he doesn’t mean to be hurtful. He likes positive and happy things is all. I can’t find enough to share that fits that category. I want to tell him of the letters I am receiving. I want to tell him how fucking sad I am. Instead I’m letting it eat me. I’m desperately seeking a friendship. I have none. I mean none. Not one person I will share with. I went to bed without cuddles. The first time I have been upset and offended. I get his thoughts, I get that hearing things can be difficult but those things made me who he loves. I woke up at 7 am puking my brains out. By 10 am I was in the bottom of the shower rethinking of last night and crying again. If he can’t hear these memories how on earth will he be at my side for court? It’s impossible so that too will now need to be done alone. I wish I could go back and not press charges. I wish I hadn’t done anything. I have started in motion what will bring out so much depressing stories. That he doesn’t want to hear. Life is utterly lonely!

One Very Memorable Mother’s Day

This year my Mother’s Day was far different than any other. Normally it’s pretty much like any other day. In fact most of the days that were intended to be my special days turned out pretty awful. When your in an abusive relationship it’s just kinda what happens. I don’t think a selfish man knows how to turn over an entire day devoted to another. I’ve gotten gifts from baby daddies and kiddos and my mother often not that I was never gifted or that it was not intended to make me feel good but the intention was never obtained that is for sure. This year started in complete chaos as the kids father whom they hadn’t seen in an entire year only had my day available to visit with the kids. So I had to give up my time for him. It took a lot of swallowing my pride to allow him that morning and to not let it show that it was hurtful to do so. I never want to share my kids. I am selfish in wanting all of their time. Time I know I won’t take for granted. I had made the arrangements for Keith to get his kids around 12 noon. That morning he called about 9 asking for them in thirty mins. I had kids in two seperate locations thinking I had still had several hours. I had the entire day planned out now here it was all about to change. Guess who hates change? ME! Of course I roll with the punches because this is for my kids. Mother’s never get a day to be selfish even on a day labeled for us. I got the kids all in one place just in time for Keith to arrive and pick them up. I was quite pleased that he showed and made effort and feeling a little less sad about sharing my time when I seen the excitement in my kids face to see him. After Keith took the kids I retreated back to the bedroom blogging while my love napped a bit. We got up and started to pack for our picnic day with his family and mine. We were to meet Keith at the park so we were preparing to pick up the 4 kids that weren’t with Keith. As we are  to walk out the door the phone rings. It’s Keith who is done and has nowhere to go with the kids about a hour before our scheduled meeting time. So change plans again and wait for him to bring us the kids back to Marc’s house before leaving to get the others. Marc had spent the morning making the chicken taco meat for the walking burrito bowls his sister had planned for the park. So thoughtful it was for her to take on planning and preparing so much amazing food. It was a huge deal to me Marc was making the meat. It seems silly since it was precooked and mixing in a crockpot but gosh was I just beaming at his effort. He isn’t much of a chef and doesn’t enough cooking much. I remember the next day noticing he had washed the crockpot too and that in itself warmed me from the inside. Dishes too are not the man’s thing. Paper products to avoid it at all cost was more his style. Anyway we finally get all the kids in two cars and transported to the park. Upon arrival I see his mom. It had been kept a complete surprise to her and you could see the delight in her face when we pulled in. She greeted each child she had yet to meet informing them they were able to call her grandma if they would like to. It was an extra special gesture to me maybe even more so than the kids. Perhaps my favorite moment of the day in fact. Especially for Paytyn. Paytyn has grandmothers but not those that are involved in any way in his life. If he were to run into them in public he would need to ask me who they are. I know that won’t be the case with Debbie and it felt uplifting. He needs more wonderful people to love him he just doesn’t have enough you know? Autism and bipolar are hard to manage at 6. I enjoyed so much the time we spent at the park as a family. It was not nearly as overwhelming as being with my own would have been. The judgement I feel with mine it’s just not there with Marc’s family. His sister easily laughed off some of Paytyn’s emotional outburst. They engaged in a loving manner at all times. I never get that none of us do. We see hanging with family as a chore. It’s sad and I have often tried to make more of an effort to not see it like that but I just can’t. We had some awesome food turns out April and Marc are both quite the cooks. 🙂 Marc’s mom and Hailey went for a short nature walk at the park and on the way home it was all Hailey could rave of. She has the most resistance for Marc so I was happy to see her bond. I know she wants to let him love her but she has a lot of distrust in her heart. Hard work it will be for Marc to show her he isn’t like that rest. That her behavior and harsh attitude with him at times is only her way of seeing if he will be here through anything. She wants to see if he means what he says because so many others didn’t. I know her actions well cause I was her. At her age in fact. I loved Rik wholeheartedly as my dad but letting him love me was a whole different story. I wish I could give my daughter the wisdom she needs to get through her emotions but I know this is a path she must conquer on her own because mom’s know nothing at this age. My Mother’s day at the park was an incredible high for me!! I was so filled with love. I counted 8 hugs that day between Marc’s mother and I. There was no key chain to tell me she loved me. She used actions and words. Pretty special moment for sure. After about 3 hours at the park it was too cold for the kids to be entertained anymore. In and out of the car and water they went. Malachi dove under and caught a large snapping turtle. Putting everyone in the park at awe for a moment. We all took pictures and set the little guy free again. Aaden he found a skeleton and giggled to no end while chasing his sisters with it. We seen and Engret across the water. We got to watch him for quite some time in fact and watched him take off in flight. He was a stunning bird. Upon leaving we headed to Marc’s I should have known this would not be a pleasant experience. Paytyn was not ever going to want to leave. As I thought it was a total meltdown. He was yelling and cursing outside in Marc’s yard. My gut wrenched at what would the landlord or neighbors think. I raced to get him and get him into the car. He kicked me and threw himself. “I hate you!!! YOUR A DICK!!! YOUR A JERK !!! I HATE MY LIFE!!! ” My tears were flowing. I get him into the car and a sibling holding him down and run inside to tell Marc I am leaving now! He looks at  me with a look I see as frustration. He throws his hands up and says I guess I will get there when I do.  I stop for a moment putting my arms around him and saying I am sorry don’t be upset at me. My son needs me to go and I race back out of the house. Marc follows right behind me and we leave at the same time Paytyn in my car. We get a few blocks before the screaming child in the back seat is opening the back door and trying to jump from the moving vehicle. My heart stops I pull over immediately and address the situation. His anger just continues to escalate. Hailey does her best to aide me in calming him to no avail. She holds him down for the rest of the trip into his seat buckled. I cry and cry. I can only think of Marc being angry, and me being a failure as a parent. My son hates me. I cried the entire ride. I ball in Marc’s arms as soon as we get home. He clarifies he wasn’t upset at me at all and just didn’t understand in the moment. He giggles at the thought of me being so upset from thinking he was upset. I calm and get the kids and house under control and Marc heads home. So my evening wasn’t the greatest but how great is it to not be going through that alone. I know my son loves me more then he loves anything else in the world but in those moments it’s hard to remember. Having Marc able to help defuse and help remind me of my son’s love in the moments he isn’t so loving is a true blessing. I had the very best Mother’s Day

The Daycare Provider

I am 18 years old. I am a mother of 2 at the time with my third to be on the way. I have completed my high school education and I am feeling trapped by my abusive husband, my children, my life. I decided that I could go to college for free. I could easily get state aide to provide payment for the daycare and I could get a grant for college. I could do something with my life! What a plan. I worked diligently to put it in action. Let me tell you what understand dhs and the requirements to get into college, daycare paid, books bought, and I had no license at the time. So getting my license was a large task to complete as well to make this happen for me. I had my heart set I was so excited. I pulled off dot after dot on my to do list. I found what seemed like the perfect daycare. The home in a rich sub division. The nanny a young married woman with impeccable cleaning skills. She was licensed and made nutritious meals. I took so much pride in the achievements even though it went unnoticed to everyone else. I remember talking of buying the books to my grandma. I had put up a ad at the local grocery store to babysit and I had babysit with taking my kids to earn the cash for my school books. Well grams thought I was ridiculous. I’d never finish I was wasting my children’s money. As that is who it rightfully should be used for not books. So I didn’t share much of anything about the journey at Lmc that year. I thought the daycare provider was my friend. I think I have pretty much always had a need for that ” friend “. My husband had told me to invite her out one night. We went to karaoke at the sliver beach bar. I knew by the third drink his red headed ass drank I would not enjoy the night. I had no idea how much it would destroy me from the inside. They drank and I mean they drank heavily. I stayed sober of course I was pregnant. My pregnancies we always awful. I was very ill and I had preterm babies. I wasn’t able to have sex. My husband didn’t think waiting was in his duties. He took the daycare provider home that night. He took her to my bed. He repeatedly called me to the room when his drunken state left him unable to stay hard for her. Making me help erect his cock. I’d race from the room and retreat to the kitchen the furthest room from them hoping I could drawn out what they were doing from my mind. He’d call me in again her this time wanting me in there. 🙁 I cried and I cried. I slammed the fridge in anger once after leaving the room and Keith ran out and grabbed my throat looking deep in my eyes and telling me not to do that again. I slept that night in my children’s bedroom floor under the crib. I sobbed and I sobbed. I never could feel good about being naked after. Not until I meet Marc. I couldn’t have confidence to be nude. The Daycare provider’s name was Megan. She and Keith would begin to see each other regularly. Even though she was married herself. She became pregnant in fact. Keith claims the child to be his although Michigan law made him her husband’s. In anger I tried to tell her husband. Keith eventually left me taking every possession I owned. The two of them making me into the monster who was crazy. I was biter and vindictive they would say. I think it changed friendship for me. I can’t trust. I can’t be open. She flaunted that she was better at everything a better wife took better care of the kids. She was his age she had the education and the time as a mom I hadn’t gotten yet. She stole it all from me for awhile. Later dropping it all like a bad habit. I am sure that was about the time she realized what that life she stole entailed.  I desperately wanted to ask her if it was worth it? If her son now is a constant reminder to the person she was to me and her own husband. The man that she had promised to love? I heard she later divorced, remarried, and moved away. I felt relieved knowing we wouldn’t bump into each other at some grocery store. Keith has showed the pictures of his son to myself and the kids. Bragging still of the time he had with her. They’re face book friendship and so fourth. It makes me sick to my stomach. It hurts that one day just as he and his mom did for his grandma and her children. My kids will search for the answers and siblings that they don’t know about and will hear of all these horrid tales. Of the children carelessly created and how they have no relationship or knowledge because their father never could figure out how to be a father. My heart breaks that my pain could be their’s one day.

Friendship

I have really struggled this week. I have struggled to blog, to communicate, to feel good about much of anything. I have been striving towards finding a friendship. I reached out to a few women I had known or been acquaintances with in hopes for some female interaction. I have done nothing but fail at the task. It’s driven my insecurities through the roof. The outcomes of my efforts leaving me feeling more blue then ever. I tried to build relationships and ended up seeing people are only out for self gain. I want so badly to laugh and share my joys with a friend. I would give anything for someone to trust and someone I felt wouldn’t pass judgement. I am not sure however that exist in today’s society. I thought time was the most valuable thing we were given but it’s clearly love. All the time in the world feels empty alone. My best friend, my only friend, is my significant other. Outside of him I have no trust at all for anyone. It’s sad, sometimes I struggle confiding in him because I feel like it’s always a burden for him to carry. Laying in his arms I want so badly to explain how lonely I am. I desperately look forward to the weekends in his arms where I don’t feel so alone.  I feel foolish being an adult who is sad over the lack of friendships or bonds I have built. Over time I pushed those I had completely away. I attempted to let some of them back in to realize that they were toxic in the first place. After reaching out for new friends, I found myself surrounded in people that needed everything from me. They needed groceries from my fridge, my vehicle to tend to their needs, they needed my skills at babysitting, they needed a loan. What they didn’t need was to hear me talk. So I gave away everything left and right. Paying bills for others, providing clothing for their kids, sugar for their kool aide….. but wait the only thing I gained was more stress and burden and I never confided a thing. So all week I attempted to be what they needed. By Friday I was in total shambles. I had begun to delete the friends I was attempting to make. I stopped blogging most of the week because I had nothing I was willing to freely share. I worried that the “fake” friends I was making would read the feelings I was having towards them and then I’d have no one again. I am really willing to keep people in my life that I have no trust in and only take simply because it seems far better than to have no one. I keep saying I have no one when in reality the one in my corner is my biggest fan. He spent the week telling me I was friend material and that it was everyone I was choosing who wasn’t worthy of me. I wonder if I am the needy one with all the conditions I am trying to impose on a friend. I mean I am asking a lot I guess. I want someone that can be trusted and that is a lot to ask. Loyalty isn’t handed out easily after all. Last night in the midst of just being sad my kids dad called me. He has been out of prison a few months now and yesterday got his first apt and himself out of the half way house. Before prison I can say John was one of my best friends. We had the most unlikely of co parenting relationships. I did call him and I did confide. There were certain things that I knew if shared the world would know. My baby daddy has the gift for gab that is for sure. He listened though. When he called he could tell something was wrong instantly. He prodded trying to figure out what it was until I broke down into tears crying I don’t trust you. I don’t trust anyone. He begun to stumble over his words what, you should trust me I’m your best friend. Explaining that he broke everything in the court room when I heard him tell his side to his crimes. The lies told to me through those events tainted our relationship forever. He explained why he had to lie back then but it didn’t change anything in my head or heart. I did cry and whine about my lack of friendships. I did tell him how lonely it felt. I was on the phone about 45 mins before hanging up. As I hung up I felt no resolve at all. It felt as though I had spilled my guts to just feel empty. I wanted badly to walk into the living room and ask Marc to hold me. I never did. He at some point had closed the door while I was on the phone. I felt so isolated to my thoughts. I showered in tears. Depression is ugly and I feel like it’s after my last smile.

Meadow Streams

On and adventure in the middle of the night I ended up out in sodus in this quiet little mobile home community. Telling my daughter that as a child I called this home. I reflected on memories of the little white go cart my grandpa Joe had won. He had signed up on some pc of paper in a grocery store. Truth be told I am positive my grandma signed his name but he won! He gave it to my little brother Dustin. My grandpa loved that boy with all that he was. He would watch us do circles and just laugh and laugh. As my grandpa was an incredibly obese man it wasn’t to often he got up and moving on his own free will. However if one of us beloved grandkids asked to get that go cart up he was leaping from his chair to get it out and started. I say it went about 8-10 miles per hour but as a kid it felt like 50 miles per hour and I held on for dear life around each corner as if we were in a hot rod. Oh the many omelette I can remember being prepared in the kitchen. Or the nights my grandma would read chitty chitty bang bang to me and scratch my back. She had the best nails for back scratches. I was taught to knit, sew, plastic canvas, quilt all by my grandma. I remember going over and just saying grandma what can I craft today! She would save me jars and little extras of scrap stuff from projects she was working on and I would just create masterpieces. It was my favorite childhood home. The one I felt most loved and welcome. I even had fond memories of my dad there. The bio dad he lived there a few times I think after bad break ups or financial mishaps. I remember him helping me make a project for school there one time. We worked on it for several days. It was a lighthouse and it was absolutely perfect. I thought of sabotaging it in the middle of the night in hopes he would stay to help rebuild it but when I woke to do the damage he was already gone. I remember my grandma’s flowers around her trees in the yard and her little garden she would grow. I would go outside often and help it was her who I learned the container garden from that I later used when I wasn’t living in a home I was allowed to garden in. My grandma took me on my first dates to the movies the celebration cinema. It looked nothing of how it does now in the 90s and what I thought was crazy expensive then seems like a cheap bargain now. Memories last night driving through the park were insane. I remember the pain my grandpa experienced when the contact with my little brother was taken from him. When my father thought that giving his child up was worth it if he no longer would have the child support taken from his check. It was a battle to him already to see his son so he choose the easier road. It is safe to say that I am filled with resentment still for his choice. His choice had a huge impact on me…. on my grandpa….

Homeless part 2

At the young age of 21 I had my fourth child. She was born the most premature out of all of my babies. I was just finalizing my divorce. I was losing my job, my home, everything. You see my ex husband and his family they were team hate Danielle. Sabotage was the name of the game. They refused to help with the kids. There was no child support. It was simply 21 year old me with a child out of state fighting for her life and a Subway job to support them. The day my daughter was released from the hospital I had to work and was told if I took off to pick her up I’d be fired. I was fired. I brought my little girl home with no income of any kind. Overwhelmed and desperate. In no time at all cps was involved I was homeless and clueless. I could have benefited from guidance and teaching but I got none of the sorts. My ex husband got the kids and I was on my own lost hopeless and homeless. I once again couch surfed a bit. I’d say for at least 3 months that worked okay for me. I mean I was homeless still but there was always a place to lay my head. One day that was just gone. The place I was staying most nights had lost power. The other place I had upset the mother aiding in underage drinking. Burning the bridge there. It was winter I didn’t know at the time but I already was pregnant again. I remember walking the town that day the streets of Bridgman wondering how I could be so unloved. I wondered if my kids would hate me for all the ways I failed them. I walked for what seemed like eternity before it was dark and I begun fearing being picked up by the police. I decided I’d go back to the home that had now had no power. Everyone had cleared from the home to stay elsewhere when the power got cut. It was nothing more than a empty house. I got to the garage door of the home. Everything was locked. I stood thinking is this what your going to do…. Are you low enough to break in…… I was. I didn’t break into the home itself though just the garage. Once inside I there I could get to the basement stairs and I’d at least be out of the elements. It was so dark I was unable to see I couldn’t even make out the steps. Somehow my mind remembered at the end of the street I was on had a ball field. Two days prior I was there with friends smoking and we had dropped a lighter everyone was too lazy to climb under the bleachers to get. I ran as fast as my feet would take me. Determined I’d find it. Climbing under the rafters with only the light of the moon I felt the ground for my lighter. My life line really. I found it!!! Hooray racing once again back to the garage. I didn’t even check the lighter to make sure it worked from being in snow and such. I thought what if I get one flame it can’t be wasted to check and see. Flicking it in the garage I held my breath and prayed even closing my eyes tight in hopes to not be disappointed. The flame was a sight for sore eyes. I could make my way down the steps. The basement had flooded as it always had when it rained or snowed. We often partied down there so there were mattresses on the floor from us doing so. I pulled up my pant legs and carried my shoes. Wading my way through the water to the mattresses.  They were stacked high enough they made a island in the flooded waters.  There was one small foul smelling but dry blanket and 7 cats on the mattress. Four days that was home. No food, no water, no friends. On day 4 I walked to town I was tired I am sure I smelled rough. My friend whose house I was squatting in she drove by and seen me. Jessica stopped immediately and I cried on her shoulder of sleeping in her basement. She took me with her back to the hotel they were staying… I wasn’t allowed to stay. She didn’t leave me though she came back to the house with me. We broke into the home itself this time. We piled into one room one small bed gathering even more cats. I’d say there was at least 25. We at one point grew to be so cold we attempted a fire in the house. In a pot on the middle of the floor. Of course it wasn’t an intelligent idea it smoked us out leaving us having to open and window creating more cold. We did have a good laugh and tell stories of it often now filled with laughter. Sadly I never called any family for help back then. I am not sure anyone knew I was homeless that time. See before Marc I never felt unconditional love so I never trusted anyone…. I was so guarded and angry for not feeling loved I’d never had shared any fears…. I went out of my way in the most desperate of times to push ppl away. Homelessness-and-autism-2

High Emotions…..

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I woke up around 6 from the cramps in my stomach. They were something fierce. I had dinner last night and Marc’s parent’s bought my food. I sat to put the first bite to my mouth of the mouthwatering food and felt queasy instantly. I wanted to cry as hungry as I was putting the food in my mouth is physically painful. I was more embarrassed that I had made them spend money and not eaten it. I looked so ungrateful I was ashamed.  Marc has kinda dissolved that feeling for me when he buys now and I don’t have that as much. Nearly never in fact he just knows me and my needs and fulfills them. He in line told me it was okay if I ate nothing at all. He said if I wanted to order and try but couldn’t he would surely eat it for me the next day. I was good with that until I seen his dad buy and then felt instant obligation to eat my food. I put more then I should into my stomach yesterday. I knew it and kept trying before finally failing to even successfully complete a french fry… So this morning when I woke I began to get sick from the food I had consumed yesterday. I turned on the fan trying to hide the sound. I’m not sure why I felt he need. I vomited blood up and spent the entire morning in tears alone in his bathroom. Then I got emotional. I looked on my phone for something to do… maybe a distraction to collect myself before getting back into bed with him. I failed at that too as the thing I found was that I did have my ex husband’s number. So I texted…. I told him exactly what I felt without holding back. How he had lied to the court and the slander of my name was ridiculous as I only wanted help with my kids. I hadn’t ever really kept his kids from him listing all the ways I had went above and beyond not to in fact. I listed him and his wife and kids moving to my home. Taking my children to tents to stay with him as he had no housing. I reminded him that even after he failed to protect my daughters from being molested and raped I still put my feelings towards that aside and drove my kids to his family reunion to see him. Without gas money or even a thank you. So with nothing to gain for myself I still made sure my kids had him and his family in their lives. In fact until he took me to court I had his mother sister and family on my face book in daily contact about his children.  I reminded him of all the things that may have slipped his mind before I even have opened the court documents waiting on my grandparents for me. I showed him the house phone had been the same number for a solid 3 years and he had it for sure. Never had it changed at all. I basically debunked everything he stated in court. BEcause it was in fact all LIES! I wrote out of anger in a place of emotion and regretted it right after pressing send… Now I can’t take it back. My stomach is killing me to a level that I seriously would consider going to the hospital right now if I thought i wouldn’t be alone there. Pain in my leg isn’t horrendous but the combination together is taking a toll for sure. Does pain make you more emotional?  It sure seems to me. I really wish I could be better already…….

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Sadness has crept back in with a vengeance.

It’s been several days sitting here at this low. It’s consuming me now. I need to talk I need to pour my heart out in hopes that I’m still lovable after. I have struggled this week at everything life has felt nothing short of overwhelming. The flood, the move, all of the changes has been drastic. My entire life I have not had to or been allowed to make any sort of decisions. I have played a very submissive role and followed not lead. Simply choices even like picking where to eat were never mine to make. It was rare to go out and if we did it wasn’t by my choice. So now when he ask where I would like to go or even if I’d like to eat in or out it’s difficult for me. I find my heart racing over such a silly task. I fear weather I’ll answer correctly. Can you imagine feeling fearful over picking the wrong dinner option? I really have no reason to feel such a way in my current relationship but there is no way I can shake it. So it feels even worse. I feel silly for being fearful I want to just choice my head screams in a million different directions and I beg for him to save me and just make my choice for me. The talks of my health and my decisions to make regards to how long I’ll be around have been nothing short of overwhelming either. He wants me to chose how to fight and just do it. I can do nothing but list all of the obstacles it puts in front of my family. I can’t find positives only negatives and it’s not that they are not there. It’s just to justify taking care of me is hard. I have to look at what it will do to my family my kids…. Those negatives are all my mind can think of. Isn’t that a good mom….. Am I a bad mom? For fucks sake I am such an emotional wreck. I want to fight I just want to know I won’t cause any damage to my family. I don’t want to get started in chemo not be able to parent and let my kids suffer…. I’d prefer to just give them my all till I no longer can. Listing the negatives is frustrating to outsiders I have a hard time even realizing I am doing it. Have I become a negative Nancy? I hate those people that can never see the brighter side of things. Maybe that is the issue I just hate myself…. I cried many times to myself yesterday already several to myself this morning. I sat once thinking what are these tears for what is even making you sad right now in this moment…. I just cried harder because I can’t even give myself the answers let alone anyone else. I want to shut down and crawl in a hole and hide. Gosh I hate being sad. My home feels unsafe and unlike a home really it feels like four walls and nothing more. I have spent the week trying to clean and organize things. Donate things that aren’t needed. Thought if I did away with the clutter maybe I could feel better. I flinch when I can hear cars drive by there. I fear the damn rain on the sunroof in the bathroom. I know first off it means my house is leaking water and I have to run around like a crazy person to put buckets everywhere there is water coming down at. Second off the rain now only makes me think of the flood and evacuation. Of all those were are still homeless. There is a man that comes in my house to fix it he works for the landlord and he makes me completely uncomfortable but somehow I am afraid to stand up and say a thing. He touches me and makes me uneasy. He crosses a line past flirtation into total creepy. So I often leave my home not wanting to be there when they are. I wish I could avoid the door and no one no I was home like I could at the white house but here the house is small and walls are thin and that isn’t as easy a task. Life is just caving in around me it feels. My happiness is fading like a shadow and I am chasing but I can’t catch it as the sun is to bright to see it. I know brighter days are ahead that things are going to be okay….. but today seems so dark and dreary. I am hoping an adventurous day with my son and man of my dreams will shake all the low feelings I have. I’d hate to let my low state make him feel like he doesn’t make me happy cause he is the greatest man ever to live. Lets see if I can shake the blues today and think less smile more. 61a9pzhaqsl-_sx381_bo1204203200_

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