True Love

On day two of Marc’s work trip we both walking back from our hot tub adventure spoke of never being in love before meeting. Not true love anyways. See we had never had the kind of feelings we feel so deep for each other. We may have thought in the moment with others that it was love. Then we meet. Consumed with love and adoration for each other it’s clear to see what there was before was the furthermost thing from love.

Neither Marc or I could ever intentionally hurt the others feelings we are in constant awareness of the others emotional needs. Like on this trip right now. I have been looking in the mirrors and realizing I am not the weight I want to be. I was on a constant loosing streak until Marc. He promotes eating and medication that aides with my ability to eat. So I am not losing. I’m not entirely sure I am gaining either but the lack of losing is making me pay attention. He noticed me looking at myself with disgust and has been giving extra compliments.

I want to give this man every bit of my time. I never need a break or time away from him. It never even crosses my mind. There is so much love between us that I wonder how I was able to confuse anything before this as love. Is it because we are lonely and longing for someone to share life with? The need to be loved is so great that it clouds the mind and gives us blinders?




I allowed many to treat me poorly as they claimed they loved me. I thought love was like a pass for that mistreatment. That isn’t even logical. It is however what the thought process was in my head. Those words that a man would speak I would believe and hold them to be true even when each action proved otherwise. Marc too, he has told me of his heartache’s and the way he allowed girls to play with him like a toy because he thought he loved them. After feeling what we share he knows that to not be love now too.

It leaves me to wonder how many miss out on the real thing? Thinking what they have is love. Are our brains wired to need that love so badly to accept something less than as the true love we long for? I can’t imagine a life without Marc now. He is my best friend and we share everything together. Nothing in the world I couldn’t openly just say to him. He instilled in me that he will be here forever no matter what. I believe in him and our love. The years I wasted on false love are gone but my future is bright.

273 Good Morning Beautiful Messages

October 15, 2017 I slept in his arms for the very first time. Afraid to be naked hiding my flaws. A ball of self doubt is exactly what I was back then. When he fell asleep that first night I remember pressing myself against his back and en hailing his scent. The next day I woke to Good Morning Beautiful. I was delighted to be told I was beautiful. I hadn’t heard it enough.

The next day I woke to it again. In fact every single morning but one I have been the first thing he does. He sends me a Good Morning Beautiful messages every single morning before getting out of bed. He taught me I was his priority!

Are you wondering why there was one I didn’t get a good morning text on. That day he had accidentally sent it to his mom. He didn’t notice until far later then told me right away. I had a good giggle that mom got my message.

Here we are now 273 good morning beautifuls later. He has instilled my value in me. Was this achieve by a simple text? Absolutely! Tell someone everyday what you want them to believe in and they will. At least I know I do. I walk next to him feeling beautiful even when my hair is a mess.

The smile you see me have is because of him. Marc taught me how to love myself. He taught me my worth. I always get a good night message too. A sweet dreams and I love you before bed. If I am home I am cuddled, he even comes to my side and lays to hold me till I fall asleep. Then slides out from under me to excuse himself to a shower. Being loved, being his, it’s the greatest thing in the entire world!

Making Morning Amends

Friday night I went to night sad. I felt like I would never have anyone to freely share life’s journey with. My significant other as wonderful as he is. Isn’t perfect and he hurt my heart and shut me down. I had cried myself to sleep that night but really said nothing to him for him to even know he had hurt me. The next morning when we woke I mentioned nothing. I cooked his breakfast for him and we began our morning snuggle ritual after he finished. During this he rubbed my face and begun his apology. He said after I had fallen asleep he thought about the situation all night. He called himself an asshole lol. Spilling his heart out of how it is painful for him to hear those memories. That he wishes he had been there to protect me that it’s difficult to hear how I was treated. I instantly burst into tears. Your all I have to tell. If you can’t hear those mild things I was sharing how will you ever be at my side now for court. I have an up and coming court battle that is going to pull many demons out of my closet. It is already opening so many wounds for me that once I am on that stand I can’t even imagine my state. I would need him more then than ever. I told him of how I wished now I hadn’t moved forward with court. I regretted everything I have done. I still do. Marc offered his apologies and promised to listen going forward. I wish I could say all was fixed during morning snuggles. That I felt secure in being able to be raw and open. That’s not the case. I feel better of the night. I took comfort in him knowing he had hurt me and reaching out to fix it. Without any prompting for me to even know I was hurt as I cried facing away from him and never mentioned it. I don’t have any confidence in him wanting to hear the misery though. I won’t be speaking on any of the letters. I won’t be sharing my fears of court. As painful as keeping it bottled feels it’s far more painful to know sharing is me causing the man I love pain. I now wish to silently go through court as painless as possible. The pleas I hoped wouldn’t happen… I prayed last night they would. So I never get on that stand. So he never hears.

Feeling More Alone Than Ever

Last night I was laying in bed cuddled up to the man of my dreams. I’m not really sure how the conversation started but I was sharing memories. Memories of my life before him. The life that made me who I am. As I was sharing, he shut me down. He asked me to stop. He told me he didn’t want to hear such depressing stuff. He proceeds to tell me he just wants to enjoy me. I felt an instant low. This isn’t the first time he has shut me down for sharing. In fact it happens all the time. He does the same to the kids. Our memories are NOT all sunshine and daisy’s. Most of it is sad. Mine even more so. The thing is are they really sad? I mean yea I went through some shit but I over came some shit! Doesn’t that therefore make those memories triumphs? I sat in bed wanting so badly to explain to my love how it feels to have just one person to confide and that one person doesn’t want you too. I haven’t had the courage to share before him. I knew no one wanted to hear my story. I have courage now but it’s all on deaf ears. I need so badly to share. I need to just get it all out. Be held. Be loved for all the bad that was my life. As I laid next to him and cried trying to hide it he apologized. I know he doesn’t mean to be hurtful. He likes positive and happy things is all. I can’t find enough to share that fits that category. I want to tell him of the letters I am receiving. I want to tell him how fucking sad I am. Instead I’m letting it eat me. I’m desperately seeking a friendship. I have none. I mean none. Not one person I will share with. I went to bed without cuddles. The first time I have been upset and offended. I get his thoughts, I get that hearing things can be difficult but those things made me who he loves. I woke up at 7 am puking my brains out. By 10 am I was in the bottom of the shower rethinking of last night and crying again. If he can’t hear these memories how on earth will he be at my side for court? It’s impossible so that too will now need to be done alone. I wish I could go back and not press charges. I wish I hadn’t done anything. I have started in motion what will bring out so much depressing stories. That he doesn’t want to hear. Life is utterly lonely!

Eyeliner

I never knew something so simple would resonate in my mind for so long. I have not ever been much of a girly girly. Make up was not ever my thing. I think mostly because I was so clueless. I was 30 years old before I had convinced my mom to teach me anything about make up. Even when she did it was more of the don’t do’s then what to do. Don’t touch your face you will put oil on it. Don’t play with your hair same reason’s. Honestly that is all I remember is being in her bathroom getting ready for a Mary Kay party and feeling overwhelmed because I had no clue. So if I wear Make up the extinct of it is some simple eye liner and maybe lip gloss. Chances are the lip gloss is for moisture and has not a thing to do with wanting to be pretty. So on Friday morning I am off to the dollar store for tp and to get some cash back for my princess to take for spending on her field trip. I walk by this clearance  basket full of make up. I assume it caught my eye because I am always looking for the girls. They love to play dress up and do hair and make up. In the basket was a 50 cent eye liner. I got it and went on my way. Eye liner is a hot commodity for teen age girls if you weren’t aware. 50 cents is a total steal! I got home showed the girls and ended up putting some on myself. Fast forward now about 8 hours. My eyeliner must be a mess it’s almost 90 degrees outside. I have no ac at my place and I have been sweating like a pig all day long. Marc comes home from work while he is greeting his boys, ( our two macaws in the kitchen) he stops dead in his tracks and gazes at me. “Do you have make up on for me babe?” He says with just the biggest smile. “You look beautiful. ” I giggle and tell him it’s old. My heart just burst though. I can’t believe he noticed my 8 hour old messy eyeliner and said it was beautiful. Every time I looked in the mirror after I seen my messy eyeliner and felt beautiful. I hadn’t showered when he took me to dinner, hadn’t fixed my make up, I let him roll down the windows so my hair was quite a mess. He held my hand all over town with pride. Love is grand guys it fills you up with the best mojo. A sad week it was for me but a little eye liner can go a long way 😉

Partner

This morning has gone incredibly well. I am maintaining a stress free attitude as I am in my safe haven. I got up first this morning taking my shower in peace. I was able to thoroughly enjoy my shower because unlike my home there was no ” mom ,mom ,mom ,mom  !!” , at the door to disturb. My first steps from there were back to bed and to the laptop. I have so much work to do on my blog of course. Advertisers to list, post to write, blogs to read, promoting that is calling my name. I’d say I worked on it for a solid hour before the in and out of the wifi at his country home gave me more grief than I was willing to endure. I from there got myself dressed. Blogging in the nude is all the new rave you see. To the kitchen clothed I go. I cook a feast for breakfast. I enjoy cooking in the kitchen with the birds. I think me waking them on Saturday mornings and cooking while chatting away with them and papa still in bed is a good bonding experience for us. So I cook a meal and Marc wakes to startle me. He came up behind me while I was string eggs and checking a notification to the blog that had popped up on my phone. I was in my zone and clearly not paying attention to his presence. My mistake because this isn’t the first time the little shit has made me jump from my skin while cooking his breakfast. I almost peed myself I was so startled. I had done dishes while cooking and had them on a towel drying. He after showering us all with attention. Myself, the birds and the kids that were home. Marc went right to putting the dishes away. I have pretty much been the sole dishwasher since our relationship begun. I don’t mind much though I rather enjoy taking care of him. I have not however ever put them away. Before I ever even think to he has already done it for me. After we eat he spends some time with the kids allowing me again some free time to pay attention to this blog. It’s really far more time consuming then you can imagine. He returns to the bedroom while I am in midst of promotion to give me some much needed attention. I thrive from that stuff. That genuine adoration he has for me. I don’t ever have to beg for it. Never have to give something to get that in return. There is no little voice in the back of my head making me feel low for what I may end up doing in return for that positive attention. All I had ever known before him was such. So he showers me with everything I need. I listen attentive to his ravings of a plane. The most uncomfortable looking plane I had ever seen in fact. The plane had metal seats. Well I shouldn’t even say seats as it was just the one metal seat. Nothing he was able to enjoy or share with me so I had to really force the interest. It was more for aerial tricks and such not romantic sunsets flights. Off track again. After all my needs are meet from him he hops up and says I am taking the boy out to play with cars. I can see it in his face that he is excited to spend time with my son. It’s the greatest gift anyone can give me. To light a fire in my son with his love and attention as he does. I know part of him taking him outside is to aide in minimizing my distractions so that I can get some blog work done. Marc is a partner…. It’s not like any other relationship I have ever been in. It’s completely overwhelming at times because I don’t really know how to let him be an aide in my distress. He loves my kids from within it’s nothing to do with winning me as he already knows he did that long before ever meeting them. We are partners and match each other in everything perfectly. Yesterday he sat me down with a talk of how I was only seeing the negative in everything. How could I be anything but stressed and defeated if that was all I was thinking of. Not to mention the sleep deprivation I experienced this week. He is outside with Malachi now who has already ran in beaming of fishing poles and fishing trips. Every man who has ever played house with him has made promises of those trips. I use to cringe when Malachi came home speaking of plans of them because I knew it was only to be a let down I would need to help him recover from. I don’t fear that now. With Marc I am able to let myself get excited for my son. I can rejoice in his excitement and not fill with worry. This man is my families blessing and he has absolutely no clue of his infectious love. 20180512_110416.jpg Blue and Gold Macaw Coloring Book

Tim’s Too & Sliver Beach

Today I had every intention of making Marc jambalaya for dinner. He had stated he had never eaten it before and I was in the mood for some spicy goodness. Then the day began to play out and after my 3 pm cat nap I had no desire to cook at all. I put the meat back in the fridge and shoot a text to my love. I had asked him if I could meet at his house and us go enjoy and outside dinner by the beach at one of my favorite restaurants! It was a restaurant I myself have had the privilege of cooking in. He of course appeased my request. I knew that he would he is always making my needs his priority the amazing man he is. My dinner choice was Tim’s Too! It’s an asian fusion grill. The set up is similar to a buffet experience. Your given a bowl to cram full of noodles and fresh cut veggies. You top that with any amazing homemade sauce of your choosing. Then at the end you will locate a second smaller portion size bowl to fill with meats. You then take your bowl to the end of the counter to watch it be cooked in front of you on a flat top. It’s served with flatbread and rice. The flat bread is absolutely my favorite part of the entire meal. We ate at the tables outside right in front of the restaurant which is located just above the St Joe bluff. Our entire meal was cooked to perfection. I was greeting upon entry with a big hug from the owners son. I received just as warm of a welcome from all of the servers and cook. Throughout our meal the temperature remained perfect for me. I was a bit worried as I had worn a dress that was cut above the knee. I had a shall on that kept me cozy. After finishing up I did get a bit of goosebumps down my legs but it was as we were leaving. Marc drove us down to see the water and all the goings on at the beach. It was the perfect evening. I ate almost my entire bowl of food without feeling sick even one time. What an accomplishment. My new medication is really providing me some fantastic relief.

Being His

Yesterday Marc took me and two of the kids out for dinner. He takes us out pretty much every weekend at least once typically far more. Malachi seems to pretty much always choose being with us no matter what other offer is on the table. I noticed a few weeks ago each time we go out to eat he chooses something he has not ever eaten and it’s usually on the expensive side. The first time we went out Marc told him he could choose as he wanted. There were not any restrictions. I am positive that he has ever felt that was the case before dinner with Marc. Dinner was always on a budget and even if it wasn’t it was just known to us we weren’t worth those expensive meals. The man in my life has ALWAYS controlled the finances ( dispute it being my area of expertise) even if I was the bread winner. It was the man who got the expensive meal and we did our best to stay as low as possible. Most occasions the kids and I got water while the man choose as he pleased. We were not the priority. It’s not that Marc’s financial status is greater as you would think. If there was a budget for the meal with Marc we wouldn’t know as it is him who would adjust his meal to a lower price to compensate. We aren’t beneath him as we have spent our lives feeling before. There isn’t a pack of cigarettes or a bottle that will come before us being spoiled. When we got home from dinner laying on his chest I had tears flowing down my face trying to explain to him what he does for us. I swear he is the very best thing for my health and stability. I think he got a bit of what I was trying to say but he doesn’t grasp how much we appreciate his love. I’d give my last breath to him without hesitation. I have found it a bit difficult because feeling this happy and loved shows me so much of what I was lacking. My entire life no one could give me this. I just never ever could feel loved. It was a lonely pathetic existence. I was always trying to change, trying not to say no, trying to be what and where they wanted so someone would pretend to love me. Marc never even had to say the words. I felt his love far before he said them. I trusted in it before he asked me to. I feel it in my soul. Not all of the kids feel it that deeply. Some are still worried he will walk away. That negative actions will send him running like the rest. I know Jade feels unworthy of it. I know she needs his love as badly as I do. I can’t wait till the day I can see he has melted all that for her. I know he will as I know he truly loves us all. He loves my crazy even. I have had hard time thinking my emotional wreck self is lovable. You know the one where in your head you know you look like a lunatic from the outside but 7 kids, no sleep, 3 baby daddies, and life that shit just made you unable to calm down and be a rational human being in anyway.  He loves that me! I can see him as nothing less then completely perfect. He has woke up and now I can’t seem to find a thing important enough to write with cuddles so openly available. If I lay down he will pat his chest like Tarzan for me to take my place on it. I get so excited to be his Jane. 🙂

The venom and lies he still spews.

There are places I am restricted from going over the lies he tells. My ex husband is angry very angry. He has been paying the minimum required support for a very long time. In fact he took me to court to have it lowered with a doctor’s note saying he could do minimal hours and work. At the time having claims that he was going to get disability and was unable to work and support his kids for medical reasons.  His base support the amount that came to the kids being set at 88$ for 4 minor children. I left that be even after and I mean just a few weeks after Keith started a union overtime often job. No biggie really as the kids aren’t going without at the time. Recently Keith and his wife moved to my town. I myself encouraged it. I was sick and I mean very sick I was desperate for help with the teens him and I shared and welcomed it. I used my truck and I helped his wife move things from her storage to their new house. I loaned cigarette and gas money when they first moved in. Not a substantial amount or anything just 7-`10 bucks here and there. I provided rides where needed I just tried to be supportive and helpful. His wife called his paycheck card in mine and the kids presence pretty regularly to the point where I knew what he was making. The kids and I had several conversations about how much money that was to have so little and to never do anything for them. When the kids bdays rolled around and they got nothing but fake broken promises. While he wife bragged of the purchases for her and her kids it became clear of their intentions. Occasionally if Keith was asked directly on payday before the money was cleared out and depending how and for what was asked he may help. He put $50 on the $380 class ring Allen got. I still never filed to raise anything. It seemed that the battle for asking for more support even if it were the right thing would be more than I was willing to take on. Then things got progressively worse. As he would buy from fundraisers and never give the money. He would put bday money in their hands then pull it back to say he had to hold it and spend it on another child and flaunt that. It was a very sad situation. The battle in my head to raise support was always there. In my state it’s done by a formula if the amount he was paying was the amount he was able to afford then it would be left. I asked Keith for help many times that summer. It was my sickest moments. I truly needed the help. That summer my girls rape by the brother living in Keith’s home came to light. That summer I stood and watched in fear as Keith dragged Malachi from the home. In a vicious fight between the two. A screaming match between a father and son like I had never seen in my life. I watched Keith foolishly spend money that I knew my children could clearly benefit from. Our eldest son getting into a college program was a milestone. I was desperate to get him his license, a car , and a cell phone. Keith promised him a phone, his truck, and to pay half the license cost with me. Sadly for my son that was all lies. I begged for the 50$ money order for the drivers ed for a long time. Allen given many excuses for the phone and why he didn’t have one. Meantime the son who had raped our daughters got a cell phone. I thought maybe for Keith that taking care of the kids he seen daily and were in his house seemed priority, I am sure he held his own anger to the lack of bond he had with his first born. I have truly and honestly tried to foster that. Allen is 16 now his opinion of his father is formed only Keith can change that. Keith made plans to take Allen shopping for shoes. I thought that was the coolest plan yet… that was over a year and a half ago Allen is still waiting.  Sometimes Keith can appear and be the dad they love. He doesn’t even have to put in much effort honestly they simple want his time. Sometimes it’s like he comes around to hurt them like he is hurting from them. I wish he’d leave the wife and other kids and home and just pick up the four and soak up the time before it’s not there to soak up. Allen will turn 18 in no time and he will break that tie completely as I have my father. I went to court after the incident with the shoes and the money order for drivers ed. I had no idea how high the support would increase. Over 109% increase. Now he is slandering me as a gold digger all over town. How I take all the money he needs to survive. I want so badly to say are you kidding !!!??? Do you remember when I left you your wife your kids and your 9 dogs into my home!!!!!!! DO YOU!!!??? Do you remember the groceries I brought to your shawnee trailer, your hills haven trailer!!!! I bought you clothes,blankets, coffee, cigs. I raise your CHILDREN!!!!!~! I just don’t get it. Like how can you be so dishonest do you really think that I take child support to hurt you!?! It’s not about you it’s not about me. It’s about the kids deserving to be supported. They deserve to have the same financial obligations by us both. I have not once not been there for something him and his family needed. When they themselves were on hard times and they had to complete a program for michigan works to get state aide it was me that took their kids for that entire week. Both kids. One that was not even keith’s and one that was from and affair in our marriage. I took their kids to church, to easter egg hunts, their first time feeding the ducks was with me, first time trick or treating was with me! I took your kids to water parks I included your kids in my family and in return your slandering my name. It’s like a slap to the face that I expected and still forgot to duck. I was unwelcome somewhere last week because I am a gold digging evil baby mama…… hmmm I just can’t see it in the dark he sees. I wish I could say that if he called I’d hang up, not help, tell him where to shove it…. but truthfully nothing would change for me. I will be supportive I will buy groceries if that means his kids see him or the coffee he needs to deal with them. The cigs he needs to chain smoke to entertain them. Ill do whatever because it’s what is best for my kids. My heart still hurts at how he sees this and me. It hurts that people who have never meet me are now passing such ill judgement upon me. I wonder if the money was worth the insults. I wonder if the money even has a thing to do with it or if they would still be there just the same.