I never knew something so simple would resonate in my mind for so long. I have not ever been much of a girly girly. Make up was not ever my thing. I think mostly because I was so clueless. I was 30 years old before I had convinced my mom to teach me anything about make up. Even when she did it was more of the don’t do’s then what to do. Don’t touch your face you will put oil on it. Don’t play with your hair same reason’s. Honestly that is all I remember is being in her bathroom getting ready for a Mary Kay party and feeling overwhelmed because I had no clue. So if I wear Make up the extinct of it is some simple eye liner and maybe lip gloss. Chances are the lip gloss is for moisture and has not a thing to do with wanting to be pretty. So on Friday morning I am off to the dollar store for tp and to get some cash back for my princess to take for spending on her field trip. I walk by this clearance basket full of make up. I assume it caught my eye because I am always looking for the girls. They love to play dress up and do hair and make up. In the basket was a 50 cent eye liner. I got it and went on my way. Eye liner is a hot commodity for teen age girls if you weren’t aware. 50 cents is a total steal! I got home showed the girls and ended up putting some on myself. Fast forward now about 8 hours. My eyeliner must be a mess it’s almost 90 degrees outside. I have no ac at my place and I have been sweating like a pig all day long. Marc comes home from work while he is greeting his boys, ( our two macaws in the kitchen) he stops dead in his tracks and gazes at me. “Do you have make up on for me babe?” He says with just the biggest smile. “You look beautiful. ” I giggle and tell him it’s old. My heart just burst though. I can’t believe he noticed my 8 hour old messy eyeliner and said it was beautiful. Every time I looked in the mirror after I seen my messy eyeliner and felt beautiful. I hadn’t showered when he took me to dinner, hadn’t fixed my make up, I let him roll down the windows so my hair was quite a mess. He held my hand all over town with pride. Love is grand guys it fills you up with the best mojo. A sad week it was for me but a little eye liner can go a long way 😉
This morning has gone incredibly well. I am maintaining a stress free attitude as I am in my safe haven. I got up first this morning taking my shower in peace. I was able to thoroughly enjoy my shower because unlike my home there was no ” mom ,mom ,mom ,mom !!” , at the door to disturb. My first steps from there were back to bed and to the laptop. I have so much work to do on my blog of course. Advertisers to list, post to write, blogs to read, promoting that is calling my name. I’d say I worked on it for a solid hour before the in and out of the wifi at his country home gave me more grief than I was willing to endure. I from there got myself dressed. Blogging in the nude is all the new rave you see. To the kitchen clothed I go. I cook a feast for breakfast. I enjoy cooking in the kitchen with the birds. I think me waking them on Saturday mornings and cooking while chatting away with them and papa still in bed is a good bonding experience for us. So I cook a meal and Marc wakes to startle me. He came up behind me while I was string eggs and checking a notification to the blog that had popped up on my phone. I was in my zone and clearly not paying attention to his presence. My mistake because this isn’t the first time the little shit has made me jump from my skin while cooking his breakfast. I almost peed myself I was so startled. I had done dishes while cooking and had them on a towel drying. He after showering us all with attention. Myself, the birds and the kids that were home. Marc went right to putting the dishes away. I have pretty much been the sole dishwasher since our relationship begun. I don’t mind much though I rather enjoy taking care of him. I have not however ever put them away. Before I ever even think to he has already done it for me. After we eat he spends some time with the kids allowing me again some free time to pay attention to this blog. It’s really far more time consuming then you can imagine. He returns to the bedroom while I am in midst of promotion to give me some much needed attention. I thrive from that stuff. That genuine adoration he has for me. I don’t ever have to beg for it. Never have to give something to get that in return. There is no little voice in the back of my head making me feel low for what I may end up doing in return for that positive attention. All I had ever known before him was such. So he showers me with everything I need. I listen attentive to his ravings of a plane. The most uncomfortable looking plane I had ever seen in fact. The plane had metal seats. Well I shouldn’t even say seats as it was just the one metal seat. Nothing he was able to enjoy or share with me so I had to really force the interest. It was more for aerial tricks and such not romantic sunsets flights. Off track again. After all my needs are meet from him he hops up and says I am taking the boy out to play with cars. I can see it in his face that he is excited to spend time with my son. It’s the greatest gift anyone can give me. To light a fire in my son with his love and attention as he does. I know part of him taking him outside is to aide in minimizing my distractions so that I can get some blog work done. Marc is a partner…. It’s not like any other relationship I have ever been in. It’s completely overwhelming at times because I don’t really know how to let him be an aide in my distress. He loves my kids from within it’s nothing to do with winning me as he already knows he did that long before ever meeting them. We are partners and match each other in everything perfectly. Yesterday he sat me down with a talk of how I was only seeing the negative in everything. How could I be anything but stressed and defeated if that was all I was thinking of. Not to mention the sleep deprivation I experienced this week. He is outside with Malachi now who has already ran in beaming of fishing poles and fishing trips. Every man who has ever played house with him has made promises of those trips. I use to cringe when Malachi came home speaking of plans of them because I knew it was only to be a let down I would need to help him recover from. I don’t fear that now. With Marc I am able to let myself get excited for my son. I can rejoice in his excitement and not fill with worry. This man is my families blessing and he has absolutely no clue of his infectious love. Blue and Gold Macaw Coloring Book
Today I had every intention of making Marc jambalaya for dinner. He had stated he had never eaten it before and I was in the mood for some spicy goodness. Then the day began to play out and after my 3 pm cat nap I had no desire to cook at all. I put the meat back in the fridge and shoot a text to my love. I had asked him if I could meet at his house and us go enjoy and outside dinner by the beach at one of my favorite restaurants! It was a restaurant I myself have had the privilege of cooking in. He of course appeased my request. I knew that he would he is always making my needs his priority the amazing man he is. My dinner choice was Tim’s Too! It’s an asian fusion grill. The set up is similar to a buffet experience. Your given a bowl to cram full of noodles and fresh cut veggies. You top that with any amazing homemade sauce of your choosing. Then at the end you will locate a second smaller portion size bowl to fill with meats. You then take your bowl to the end of the counter to watch it be cooked in front of you on a flat top. It’s served with flatbread and rice. The flat bread is absolutely my favorite part of the entire meal. We ate at the tables outside right in front of the restaurant which is located just above the St Joe bluff. Our entire meal was cooked to perfection. I was greeting upon entry with a big hug from the owners son. I received just as warm of a welcome from all of the servers and cook. Throughout our meal the temperature remained perfect for me. I was a bit worried as I had worn a dress that was cut above the knee. I had a shall on that kept me cozy. After finishing up I did get a bit of goosebumps down my legs but it was as we were leaving. Marc drove us down to see the water and all the goings on at the beach. It was the perfect evening. I ate almost my entire bowl of food without feeling sick even one time. What an accomplishment. My new medication is really providing me some fantastic relief.
Yesterday Marc took me and two of the kids out for dinner. He takes us out pretty much every weekend at least once typically far more. Malachi seems to pretty much always choose being with us no matter what other offer is on the table. I noticed a few weeks ago each time we go out to eat he chooses something he has not ever eaten and it’s usually on the expensive side. The first time we went out Marc told him he could choose as he wanted. There were not any restrictions. I am positive that he has ever felt that was the case before dinner with Marc. Dinner was always on a budget and even if it wasn’t it was just known to us we weren’t worth those expensive meals. The man in my life has ALWAYS controlled the finances ( dispute it being my area of expertise) even if I was the bread winner. It was the man who got the expensive meal and we did our best to stay as low as possible. Most occasions the kids and I got water while the man choose as he pleased. We were not the priority. It’s not that Marc’s financial status is greater as you would think. If there was a budget for the meal with Marc we wouldn’t know as it is him who would adjust his meal to a lower price to compensate. We aren’t beneath him as we have spent our lives feeling before. There isn’t a pack of cigarettes or a bottle that will come before us being spoiled. When we got home from dinner laying on his chest I had tears flowing down my face trying to explain to him what he does for us. I swear he is the very best thing for my health and stability. I think he got a bit of what I was trying to say but he doesn’t grasp how much we appreciate his love. I’d give my last breath to him without hesitation. I have found it a bit difficult because feeling this happy and loved shows me so much of what I was lacking. My entire life no one could give me this. I just never ever could feel loved. It was a lonely pathetic existence. I was always trying to change, trying not to say no, trying to be what and where they wanted so someone would pretend to love me. Marc never even had to say the words. I felt his love far before he said them. I trusted in it before he asked me to. I feel it in my soul. Not all of the kids feel it that deeply. Some are still worried he will walk away. That negative actions will send him running like the rest. I know Jade feels unworthy of it. I know she needs his love as badly as I do. I can’t wait till the day I can see he has melted all that for her. I know he will as I know he truly loves us all. He loves my crazy even. I have had hard time thinking my emotional wreck self is lovable. You know the one where in your head you know you look like a lunatic from the outside but 7 kids, no sleep, 3 baby daddies, and life that shit just made you unable to calm down and be a rational human being in anyway. He loves that me! I can see him as nothing less then completely perfect. He has woke up and now I can’t seem to find a thing important enough to write with cuddles so openly available. If I lay down he will pat his chest like Tarzan for me to take my place on it. I get so excited to be his Jane. 🙂
There are places I am restricted from going over the lies he tells. My ex husband is angry very angry. He has been paying the minimum required support for a very long time. In fact he took me to court to have it lowered with a doctor’s note saying he could do minimal hours and work. At the time having claims that he was going to get disability and was unable to work and support his kids for medical reasons. His base support the amount that came to the kids being set at 88$ for 4 minor children. I left that be even after and I mean just a few weeks after Keith started a union overtime often job. No biggie really as the kids aren’t going without at the time. Recently Keith and his wife moved to my town. I myself encouraged it. I was sick and I mean very sick I was desperate for help with the teens him and I shared and welcomed it. I used my truck and I helped his wife move things from her storage to their new house. I loaned cigarette and gas money when they first moved in. Not a substantial amount or anything just 7-`10 bucks here and there. I provided rides where needed I just tried to be supportive and helpful. His wife called his paycheck card in mine and the kids presence pretty regularly to the point where I knew what he was making. The kids and I had several conversations about how much money that was to have so little and to never do anything for them. When the kids bdays rolled around and they got nothing but fake broken promises. While he wife bragged of the purchases for her and her kids it became clear of their intentions. Occasionally if Keith was asked directly on payday before the money was cleared out and depending how and for what was asked he may help. He put $50 on the $380 class ring Allen got. I still never filed to raise anything. It seemed that the battle for asking for more support even if it were the right thing would be more than I was willing to take on. Then things got progressively worse. As he would buy from fundraisers and never give the money. He would put bday money in their hands then pull it back to say he had to hold it and spend it on another child and flaunt that. It was a very sad situation. The battle in my head to raise support was always there. In my state it’s done by a formula if the amount he was paying was the amount he was able to afford then it would be left. I asked Keith for help many times that summer. It was my sickest moments. I truly needed the help. That summer my girls rape by the brother living in Keith’s home came to light. That summer I stood and watched in fear as Keith dragged Malachi from the home. In a vicious fight between the two. A screaming match between a father and son like I had never seen in my life. I watched Keith foolishly spend money that I knew my children could clearly benefit from. Our eldest son getting into a college program was a milestone. I was desperate to get him his license, a car , and a cell phone. Keith promised him a phone, his truck, and to pay half the license cost with me. Sadly for my son that was all lies. I begged for the 50$ money order for the drivers ed for a long time. Allen given many excuses for the phone and why he didn’t have one. Meantime the son who had raped our daughters got a cell phone. I thought maybe for Keith that taking care of the kids he seen daily and were in his house seemed priority, I am sure he held his own anger to the lack of bond he had with his first born. I have truly and honestly tried to foster that. Allen is 16 now his opinion of his father is formed only Keith can change that. Keith made plans to take Allen shopping for shoes. I thought that was the coolest plan yet… that was over a year and a half ago Allen is still waiting. Sometimes Keith can appear and be the dad they love. He doesn’t even have to put in much effort honestly they simple want his time. Sometimes it’s like he comes around to hurt them like he is hurting from them. I wish he’d leave the wife and other kids and home and just pick up the four and soak up the time before it’s not there to soak up. Allen will turn 18 in no time and he will break that tie completely as I have my father. I went to court after the incident with the shoes and the money order for drivers ed. I had no idea how high the support would increase. Over 109% increase. Now he is slandering me as a gold digger all over town. How I take all the money he needs to survive. I want so badly to say are you kidding !!!??? Do you remember when I left you your wife your kids and your 9 dogs into my home!!!!!!! DO YOU!!!??? Do you remember the groceries I brought to your shawnee trailer, your hills haven trailer!!!! I bought you clothes,blankets, coffee, cigs. I raise your CHILDREN!!!!!~! I just don’t get it. Like how can you be so dishonest do you really think that I take child support to hurt you!?! It’s not about you it’s not about me. It’s about the kids deserving to be supported. They deserve to have the same financial obligations by us both. I have not once not been there for something him and his family needed. When they themselves were on hard times and they had to complete a program for michigan works to get state aide it was me that took their kids for that entire week. Both kids. One that was not even keith’s and one that was from and affair in our marriage. I took their kids to church, to easter egg hunts, their first time feeding the ducks was with me, first time trick or treating was with me! I took your kids to water parks I included your kids in my family and in return your slandering my name. It’s like a slap to the face that I expected and still forgot to duck. I was unwelcome somewhere last week because I am a gold digging evil baby mama…… hmmm I just can’t see it in the dark he sees. I wish I could say that if he called I’d hang up, not help, tell him where to shove it…. but truthfully nothing would change for me. I will be supportive I will buy groceries if that means his kids see him or the coffee he needs to deal with them. The cigs he needs to chain smoke to entertain them. Ill do whatever because it’s what is best for my kids. My heart still hurts at how he sees this and me. It hurts that people who have never meet me are now passing such ill judgement upon me. I wonder if the money was worth the insults. I wonder if the money even has a thing to do with it or if they would still be there just the same.
I slept in just a bit this morning normally waking around 7 today it was nearly 830 before I rolled out of the bed. I did my normal shower and blogging in bed. Letting the rest of the house sleep. This morning was my first morning to wake the birds on my own. I had planned in out so that I could make breakfast while the house was asleep. I woke the birds filled their food dishes. I made breakfast delivering it to him in bed. He seemed tickled and devoured his plate. We had the kids this weekend. That meant the need to be more creative and quiet. After finishing breakfast we got back into bed and cuddled. I drifted asleep waking up on his chest with those delightful princess kisses he showers my forehead in oh so often. I had gone to bed horny the night before. Passing out before he got out of the shower and missing my opportunity. The bedroom door was open. I begun to run my hands all over his body. In no time at all his member was standing at attention for me. I slowly and teasingly untied his pajama pant bottoms. Giving my hand the room it needs to get inside and touch him. I love light touches spinning my finger around the sensitivity ring on the head of his firm cock. Grasping at his balls and back to caresses that rock hard cock. He plays with my breast for a few moments kissing at my neck before jumping up from the bed. “where are you going?” I gasp. He grabs the lube from the head rest of our bed and heads for the bathroom. Holding open the door for me. As soon as he grabs the lube I know his intentions and happily prance behind him. Dropping my pants as soon as I enter the bathroom. The lights are all on he had turned up the tv and turned on the bathroom fan. He anticipated that even with my best efforts I may still need background noise to drown out the panting and moaning. I bend over the sink wearing just a skimpy tank top that doesn’t leave much for the imagination. He come up behind me and I hear him pop the top of that lube bottle. A tingle sensation takes over my cunt as soon as I hear it. He covers the head of his cock with the cold lubricant. He pulls me close to him hands firmly gripping at my hips. Running the cold wet head of his cock up and down my slat letting out his own giggle at my response before plunging into me. The first plunge sends me elbow deep into the sink. He gains speed and I never can seem to look up to the mirror to watch him. I cum quickly letting him know when I do. Oh my god does it just feel so incredible. My legs closed between his and in perfect rhythm till he explodes and fills me to the brim. After he gives me a few more thrust I wonder if he will go again as he sometimes does. He finally eases out and goes to the back of the toilet to the wet wipes. He hands me two and him two and we clean up ourselves. A quick peck and back to the cuddling. In bed I find my place back to his chest. We spend some time chatting and enjoying each others company before he finds himself right back to playing with my breast. I tell him he had better not tease me. He playfully tells me it’s my fault with the tank I am still in he can’t help himself. I grab the blanket and pull it over us. He starts making his already firm cock jump pressed against my leg it grabs my attention with a quickness. I press myself closer to him me on my back him on his side facing me. My left leg entwined with him and my right bent at the knee. Hiding what I was doing making a tent of the blanket. Even though we were alone in the room we were not alone in the house. Under the tent I had created I let my right hand wonder into my own pants. My left hand gripping at his cock. His hands grasping at my breast and tweaking at my nipples. I turned my head toward him playing more rapidly with my clit. He begun to kiss at my forehead. I was panting grinding my pussy into my hand. Holding onto his cock while I masterbated to orgasm for him to watch. He would peak under the blanket making me play faster. As I finished he kissed me again. “Did you just cum he murmured?” mmmmm hmmm My response got an immediate reaction. He leaped up from that bed and snatched the lube “come on let’s take care of this” Back in the bathroom I did just as I had before dropping my pants before him this time I pressed my bare ass into him when I bent forward. He grabbed it and gave it a bit of a squeeze. This time when I bent forward I put my legs much further back. Leaning at the edge of the sink. He lubed his head sliding about missing the hole a bit before entering me again. I could tell my muscles were tight after my fresh orgasm I had given myself. Within ten thrust I had cum for him. Making sure to tell him he had brought me to climax. I enjoy telling him I feel it relieves pressure for him as he always wishes to please me above himself. This time he told me as he was about to cum to. When he did I forced open my eyes and squeezed my vaginal walls around his member as tightly as I could. Watching in the mirror as he made that wrinkling nose face I just adore. It felt like a bursted hydrant inside me. My sex life is so delightful.
The day that I meet my first husband was also the day I meet the man I’d later let brand me. It was at a party at a dinging, dirty, disgusting trailer in the country side. The trailer was owned by my first husband’s mother and he was the only one residing in it. Living off mommies coat tails as I use to say. Jeff was the cousin I am not sure if there was an actual blood relation as Keith called many cousin’s who weren’t actually that. Jeff was tall and mysterious. He worked at the same job that I had at the time. When I moved in with Keith it was Jeff that was my protector. It was him who would hand me the Tylenol after the fights. I grew close to him and his family. Nicki his cousin and right hand becoming my very best friend. The only person I had trusted back then. I remember not knowing that shaving pubic region was a thing and Jeff chasing me around the house telling me I had a bush. He took pliers teasing he would pull them out. It was only a few months into living together that Keith’s jealousy ended Jeff residing in our home. Jeff got into trouble and he went on the run. It never stopped us from talking. Throughout years of being in opposite states and separate lives we always stayed in contact. Jeff eventually got picked up and sent to prison. Letter after letter I sent to him. Telling him all of my deepest secrets I held so close. Phone calls and letters continued throughout the years. We made plans of marriage of him whisking me away from all that was and us creating a life together. I am not sure any of the outside world knew how close we had grown. Of course I am not sure if that was only existing in my reality or if he shared such thoughts. It felt like a lifetime he was incarcerated and life carried on on the outside of those bars. From 0 to 8 kids I had gone. When he got out I wasn’t single but dropped everything to run to him. I left the man I was dating at his home to be picked up and taken to Jeff. I had no words to mouth to him. I was shocked he was here standing before me. This was the day my dreams were suppose to come true. This was suppose to be the time that my fairy tale would begin. Yet neither of us could speak to the other. We spent the majority of the day together like that. Barely speaking not having any words. I texted of my children and I am sure that was an overwhelming conversation. He had not planned to come home to a ready made family of the numbers mine had. Another girl was texting him too… One who was a friend of a friend or maybe she was suppose to be a friend too. The second that I heard I had held a vengeance and anger in my heart for her. Jeff teased to the house how she was speaking of blowing him and needing a ride there. Everything I had believed in was a lie. I just kind of distanced myself for awhile. My return to the group showed them now in a relationship. I tried not to think of the empty promises and of the lifetime of letters. The more time I was around the more Jeff made it clear he had a burning desire to sleep with me. He married….. It deterred nothing. He would ask me over with lies or claims to needing smoke or wanting to tat me and then take each opportunity to touch me he could. My mind went in two entirely different directions. One side thinking this man is playing you he is married who cares if he is unhappy your no ones second choice. The other side thinking that this man came home from prison and you had over a half a dozen kids. How could he not be overwhelmed can you blame him for not choosing you? Let him make things right it’s you he loves. I would cling to everything he said. The speaking of how awful his marriage was. How love less it was. I would hear his wife with the same complaints. The day he did the tattoo on my back the one that was suppose to be a tinker bell but who knows what the final outcome is cause I surely can’t tell. He kissed down my neck and confessed his love for me. Months went by like this. Text, calls, adultery. I don’t even know who I became. I did every single thing he asked. I never questioned the pain I would cause when everything came to light. Why the hell should I feel guilty clearly she took him from me. He placed every doubt in their marriage I needed into my head. I told him I could not be in his bed unless he left her. That night when I left their home I thought it was over. I had refused sex and left him angry. I told him it was over I would no longer continue this lie of a life. By 7 am my phone had been ridden with calls of him leaving her. He had packed his things was at his mothers and waiting for me. My heart raced maybe he did love me. Maybe him being with her was a mistake and now he was going to right all the wrongs in my heart and be mine. I ran to him. Letting in drama and anger from every direction. I took off to the next state hiding in hotel rooms. Dreaming of a life with him. Laying on a bed one day he told me I was his and would be his till the day I died. I had conformed to being exactly what he wanted. I went to bat with my landlord to allow him to live in a home he was not legally able. I allowed cps into my life because of his background. The wife he had was biter and rightfully so as she too tried many avenues to ruin my life. Laying on that bed though everything seemed perfect. I mean he was with me telling me he loved me. That I was his. I laid back and he asked to brand me his. How my mind could think that this was a good idea I have no idea. The 26 year old me sure had a lot she needed to learn. I allowed him to tattoo his name all the way across my vagina and take pictures to share with the world. Can you imagine the backlash I got and the pride he took in branding me property. I truly believed I belonged to him. Belonged to a man as if I was property a married man. One that was not my husband. Things went down hill from the moment I allowed him to brand me. Everything I couldn’t see I can now. The selfishness that was Jeff. I had allowed myself to become someone that was a disgrace to my character. I can’t escape the memories as I am still branded. I am amazed by how much a man is able to change me and who I am. Bringing in one toxic man will destroy all that is good in your life. I can’t forgive myself for who I became while thinking I was in love with him. I can’t forget it as much as I wish I could. I want to forgive myself for the choices I made with a foggy mind. I wish I had known then what I know now. I wish I could take back the foul choices I made.
So why stay in such a toxic place with him for 15 years… I believed honestly that no one else would or could love me. I thought that the emotions he showed were love. I would leave all the time and just to end up right back in the same spot. His tears of forgiveness and his words of “I’ll change” always played with my guilt. I would hear him say I don’t have anyone else and know to my core that was true. He has no one. So I’d stay and be miserable thinking if I didn’t maybe he would commit suicide. That would clearly be my fault if he had and how could I then face my daughter? I have watched my own children go toe to toe with the man they have known as their father their entire life to come to my defense. He does want to be a good father. He doesn’t beat his children or neglect them. He would without question give them his last dollar. He has given up his life to raise them. The truth is though our children deserved better than what they seen with us both in the same household. So now here is the tough part. I have paid my price for freedom and broke away from this man. But he is the father to my children. Even the ones he doesn’t share dna with the bond is there. Even through whatever anger the kids have right now the love is far greater. I want so badly to foster a relationship with him and the kids and make it a positive loving experience for them. I just do not know how. Chuck doesn’t know how to be loved or love. If your own mother is able to toss you across the room to your grandma in a argument with your father it is clearly hard to understand love. Our childhood stories are not the same. The pain we carry from them is. I have more understanding then most when it comes to Chuck and the damage he has to his soul. He blocks out many memories as I have. There are pieces that don’t make sense to him. I think he longs for clarity to some of his childhood without the knowledge of how to find it. He is a very selfish individual but again I think that plays back to the child hood trauma too. Or is this me again making a list of excuses for the men who beat and raped me my entire life? Is it me who is the pathetic one with my list of excuses for their behavior. For my need to fix those who took everything from me. I mean lets be honest every horrible event for the past 13 years can come back to this relationship. Yet I still worry and want to help him. I want to make him a better man for my kids. I very well may be a fool.
I have generally lead a submissive life. I haven’t shared much of that with Marc. I find it spilling over and him giggling at me for things he has no idea the underlyings of. Things like dinner being done and on the table when he gets off of work. Since I was 16 years old it was a requirement. To have dinner on the table by 5 is what it was mostly (6 is Marc’s time to arrive from work). Keith didn’t give much room for error. It wasn’t always beatings and his mom visiting with pain meds after. Sometimes the punishment was simply being made to sleep on the carpeted floor of a room alone in a dark isolation. Where we lived I was very isolated from the world. This tiny trailer in the middle of no where. I think the closet corner store was at least 12 miles. Even though his attention mostly negative I still craved it upon his arrival because it was far better than none at all. I carried that on relationship after relationship some more strict with the rules. I always worked so hard at dinner on the table when they walked through the door. I wanted to leave that life behind. I bought freedom right? So why is it that I spend 10 mins texting that dinner will be late ( it’s never late more then 10 mins after him walking through the door) before he arrives. Then a few more when he gets here. My stomach already upset all the time now it’s turning at my failure to have his meal ready. The stress from the day…. the disappointment….I now have this gut wrenching feeling he will be angry at me…. Here is the thing the man NEVER gets angry with me and I KNOW this. He walks in and giggles when I say it’s got 3 mins till finished and apologize. He constantly reminds me it is just fine to be late since he is not ever use to eating at such a early time in the first place. Yet I sometimes want to cry I feel so badly for not having it ready. He laughs that he is the first person I feed. That we get his plate and utensils and everyone falls in line behind him to make plates. He doesn’t think this is necessary either. I wonder if my past will continue to taunt me ….. I have no reason to worry of the time dinner but it’s been 6 months of the constant it’s okay reminders and I feel no better when it’s not completed. I love to cook but if I can not time it for that food to be ready upon him walking in my chest feels heavy and I feel sad. INSTANTLY! UGH
I have never seen family as a very positive experience. I don’t mean to make it sound harsh towards those I share blood with it is just I never could feel loved in the way I needed from them. I never have felt like a priority above all else and honestly I don’t think that the kids ever have either. ( outside of me and them having each other) That is just absolutely no longer the case. I feel like my time and presence is priceless. The kids feel valued. Not valued because they are my kids and some guy is trying to date their mom but valued as their own individual self’s. I feel supported and not judged at all. I can freely speak of anything and know I will absolutely still be loved after. The time the kids get is given with enthusiasm. I look forward to the bond growing. My heart rejoices knowing that they can feel apart of a family far bigger then my love alone was able to provide. I watch them interact and think this is how it was always suppose to be. I had held onto something so toxic for so long thinking it was “family”. The emotional, and physical abuse thick but I thought….. this …. this man is their dad. I hated growing up without a father and the one that I was given came far later in life. I wanted to fix anything even if it was broken beyond repair so I wasn’t the one taking the father away from them. I had never known what a real family would or should feel like. I was so focused on not letting the one there leave I hadn’t had time to look around. Now that it’s here in front of me. Ours to have and revel in I am soaking it up as a spoiled princess would. I spend time stepping back and just taking in the love showered upon my children. As he walks from a room to tell me he is going to hang out with one of the kids. Not bothered by me enjoying the alone time created when he does so. I don’t feel so confined. I feel trusted completely and supported. Emotionally I am far more stable in his presence. I try now to explain to my kids dad’s how much different I see things. How I see their love and how the kids do. It’s fallen on deaf ears of course. Malachi telling how his dad doesn’t want time with him he sits depressed unable to enjoy time with him. They are in the same room and the silence can’t be broken. To speak with cell phones in hands and looking up to nod without engaging. I can’t get across to them what they are missing. I can’t get through the selfish tendencies to explain what a wonderful love we are experiencing. I can’t get them to stop wanting to hate those loving us to see if they just took the time to do the same they would have the same love back. I can’t count how many times I went and tried to do whatever I was able to just get my parent’s attention and time. I see my kids doing the same and I sit and shake my head. As their father’s just can’t see it. My parent’s are missing so much and can’t see that either the actions they choose don’t feel like love to us or the lack of time given just makes us distance more. I wish I had a far better bound with my family but I look forward into the family being built before my very eyes. It’s a fire burning within the love I receive
these days. It’s not like anything I have ever felt before.