Life of a Mom of Special Needs Child

I have 4 children with special needs. Each with very unique needs of their own. Paytyn is the child with the most struggles. He can’t sit still for any reason. No matter how interested he is in the task laid out before him he can’t stay focused for long. Mere moments is all you get with his attention. He can’t control any emotions at all. His mind takes him from 0 to 1000 in a matter of secs without any time to process his thoughts or control his reactions. He blurts out words that are simply hurtful. I think I have my heart crushed on the daily by the boy who holds my heart.
He is verbal and very much so. He speaks a mile a minute changing from one topic to another before you have grasped what the first topic even was. He doesn’t have 7 year old conversations they are far more advanced. He has been advanced in communication since the moment he begun to speak. He has no filter though. He isn’t able to understand the concept of restraint. Hurting your feelings and being completely unaware he has.
Controlling his emotions being such a challenge leaves his temper high. He has caused physical harm to all of his siblings at one time or another. He is remorseful at times and then at others can’t see past the thing that made him feel wronged to inflict the harm. This has left him with no friends. He tries to go along with his brother and his friends always to be left out. His brother is desperate to get away and be with his friends alone. Who wants their little bully brother hanging around picking on them and their friends.

All this left me sheltering him. Paytyn and mom all day everyday. I took him to work with me when I could. If I was unable to take him he was only left with a grandparent. I would leave during times he would sleep. Which was easy since he slept during the day when he did sleep. He is known for going days without sleeping at all. I made sure that I left him with all the things he needed to get through the day. Like buying some new movie or a new train. He had a huge train set before our move.
I never took Paytyn anywhere I didn't have to. Taking him to the store was a sure bet for a melt down. So I refrained from doing it. Taking him to dinner where he would need to be patient waiting for the food to cook I did not do. I took him out of every situation that would be difficult and I avoided it. I catered to what was the easiest for him. I kept my house dark. The light sometimes bothered him. I would rearrange my life to tailor to his needs. He never really had asked much to go with to be honest. He doesn't like the noise and the lights and the activity around him. So I just took those factors away.
Last night while laying with Marc discussing bday options he makes some comments of the boys never being able to survive life. That they needed some classes to learn to sit. To conform to societies rules. To work they needed to focus. To be product members there are tools they don't have. My heart sank. What a terrible mom I am. Am I setting up my son for failure now? I mean he hadn't been in a store more then 5 times in probably the entire year. How will he know to shop for is groceries? How will he overcome his obstacles avoiding them? I truly thought I was protecting him now I wonder if I have sabotaged him.
I will admit since Marc and I being together I have taken Paytyn to do far more. I take him to the store a bit more because he always would like to come to Marc's and I tend to stop there on the way. Truthfully I dread it each time he is with me. I don't know what his melt down may be. I hate the stares and judgments that I know are being passed.
I took him with today to Martin's I had a small list and wouldn't be in the store long. I prepped him with a talk of how we would hurry and get the list and be out and heading to Marc's. I told him he could pick out a doughnut for our breakfast snack if he would like too. We are half done with the list before a melt down. Standing at the cheese isle Paytyn demands the cheese his sister Klowey always buys. He needs the cheese klowey buys. Except no one knows what that is. We are guessing and suggesting what this cheese could possibly be. We are getting it wrong and his anger and frustration is growing quickly. "I just want the DAMN CHEESE", my son is currently screaming in the grocery store. People turn to look at the mom who is allowing her son to talk this way. Then he goes on a rampage. I want that fucking cheese, how can you not know what cheese, the damn cheese she buys all the fucking time. Now here I am do I discipline the behavior you know he has no idea how to control? Do I ignore it and help him find the cheese? I come to his level, telling him we can't figure it out mad lets think. I ask more questions about the cheese. I can see he feels stressed not being able to communicate what he is wanting. I figure out somehow that it is cottage cheese. YES! He just lets out this huge breath of relief like he felt the weight of the world lifted. Instantly he is calmed and asking politely to buy and find it. The grandma in the cheese isle with us. Is disgusted I am rewarding his cursing. Soap is what that brat deserves I hear her murmur. My heart hurts hearing her. I quickly exit the store. Not even bothering with the side dish I was hoping to find. I just want to be free from the judgement.
I am my biggest judge of course. I say I fear taking him in public because of the reactions of others. How others treat me and look at me as a parent. Truthfully I treat myself far worse. I am absolutely clueless if I am doing right by my son in my style or choice of parenting. I want the best for him and him to have the most fulfilling productive life he can have but I am not sure that I am setting him on that path. I feel alone completely even with Marc at my side. He wants me to help him understand things I simply don't myself. I have spent the last few years pretty closed up with the kids. I haven't got ideas to how to get them able to sit for hours or how to get through school. OR sitting to watch planes. I can't fathom how to make the world fit their needs or how to make their needs fit in the world. It's new daily. I am not sure that Paytyn's needs are even defined yet. Being a mommy of special needs kids is hard.

 

My Ability To Make Things Happen For The Minions Despite Our Financial State

So it’s always been a well known fact that outside of me no one has ever been thrilled to the idea of the number of kids I have. I don’t think anyone was ever excited of my pregnancy at all. Everyone seen it as a burden I think. There was always talk of what I wouldn’t be able to give them. Especially financially! Lets face it when I became pregnant I was working in two fast food places in a truck stop not really a career path to be a millionaire. I never really gave a shit though. I think I did cry a bit after hearing my parent’s say abortion and adoption options with the first pregnancy but after I truly never paid mind to anyone’s comments. I decided that I would move mountains to give my kids any opportunity they wanted. So far I have done just that. I have raised all 7 kids on less than 20,000 a year. Last year my rent alone was a $1,000 a month this year dropping to just $700. My kids however didn’t miss out on anything. They were in sports like crazy. I would fill out for scholarships. Then when they needed gear for the sports I would find a thrift store that may have what we needed and I would volunteer there asking in return for any items the kids may have needed for sports. I have volunteered across the two counties doing so. There was a time once that a school ring was wanted by one of the kids. It was over 400 and not in the budget. I had 5 days to come up with the money since my child is a procrastinator and gave me no time to prepare at all. He deserved the ring though. So I posted to social media everywhere that I would work for a money order to my son’s school. I landscaped for 40 hours in this little old lady’s yard and she gave me my money order to the school. For school clothes and summer clothes I volunteer at the free store, ( a thrift store inside a church a year long free yard sale) at neighbor to neighbor, and harbor mission. In return I get vouchers or item amounts to shop for my kids. I remember once I went to this lady’s yard sale and she had goobs and goobs of girls clothing but priced way to high for me to afford. She had kids and a big farm the sale was in a barn. I purchased what I could afford and then asked if she would be interested in trading babysitting or house or farm work for clothing that she may have left after the sale. We exchanged numbers and she just thought that was so clever. I ended up babysitting for her 2 weekends and month for quite some time. Every yard sale she would have she gave me everything left over. Then I could sort for my needs and then pass on to the same places I volunteered at. Later when I moved to Niles I begun a service of picking up yard sale items keeping and selling some and then donating the rest. My kids have been to Disney. We camp like little camping fools because I googled one day trying to find a more affordable way to camp and learned that with our library cards there were many places to camp for FREE!!! 8 library cards made us able to camp all week at no cost for the sites. My kids wanted a swimming membership a few years ago and I emailed the head of the university by our home that had a pool. He allowed me to come to his office for a meeting. I explained I was a single mom that my kids needed a way to exercise closer to home. He gave us a scholarship that I volunteered for us to have free memberships. He told me no one had ever asked before. I took the kids the other night. Day before payday so I am broke kids are stir crazy and hot and we are able to go and experience a nice swim in a really nice environment. It's really about what you put in. If you want your kids to have opportunities and experiences find a way to give them to them. Not having the money is a piss poor excuse.



Partner

This morning has gone incredibly well. I am maintaining a stress free attitude as I am in my safe haven. I got up first this morning taking my shower in peace. I was able to thoroughly enjoy my shower because unlike my home there was no ” mom ,mom ,mom ,mom  !!” , at the door to disturb. My first steps from there were back to bed and to the laptop. I have so much work to do on my blog of course. Advertisers to list, post to write, blogs to read, promoting that is calling my name. I’d say I worked on it for a solid hour before the in and out of the wifi at his country home gave me more grief than I was willing to endure. I from there got myself dressed. Blogging in the nude is all the new rave you see. To the kitchen clothed I go. I cook a feast for breakfast. I enjoy cooking in the kitchen with the birds. I think me waking them on Saturday mornings and cooking while chatting away with them and papa still in bed is a good bonding experience for us. So I cook a meal and Marc wakes to startle me. He came up behind me while I was string eggs and checking a notification to the blog that had popped up on my phone. I was in my zone and clearly not paying attention to his presence. My mistake because this isn’t the first time the little shit has made me jump from my skin while cooking his breakfast. I almost peed myself I was so startled. I had done dishes while cooking and had them on a towel drying. He after showering us all with attention. Myself, the birds and the kids that were home. Marc went right to putting the dishes away. I have pretty much been the sole dishwasher since our relationship begun. I don’t mind much though I rather enjoy taking care of him. I have not however ever put them away. Before I ever even think to he has already done it for me. After we eat he spends some time with the kids allowing me again some free time to pay attention to this blog. It’s really far more time consuming then you can imagine. He returns to the bedroom while I am in midst of promotion to give me some much needed attention. I thrive from that stuff. That genuine adoration he has for me. I don’t ever have to beg for it. Never have to give something to get that in return. There is no little voice in the back of my head making me feel low for what I may end up doing in return for that positive attention. All I had ever known before him was such. So he showers me with everything I need. I listen attentive to his ravings of a plane. The most uncomfortable looking plane I had ever seen in fact. The plane had metal seats. Well I shouldn’t even say seats as it was just the one metal seat. Nothing he was able to enjoy or share with me so I had to really force the interest. It was more for aerial tricks and such not romantic sunsets flights. Off track again. After all my needs are meet from him he hops up and says I am taking the boy out to play with cars. I can see it in his face that he is excited to spend time with my son. It’s the greatest gift anyone can give me. To light a fire in my son with his love and attention as he does. I know part of him taking him outside is to aide in minimizing my distractions so that I can get some blog work done. Marc is a partner…. It’s not like any other relationship I have ever been in. It’s completely overwhelming at times because I don’t really know how to let him be an aide in my distress. He loves my kids from within it’s nothing to do with winning me as he already knows he did that long before ever meeting them. We are partners and match each other in everything perfectly. Yesterday he sat me down with a talk of how I was only seeing the negative in everything. How could I be anything but stressed and defeated if that was all I was thinking of. Not to mention the sleep deprivation I experienced this week. He is outside with Malachi now who has already ran in beaming of fishing poles and fishing trips. Every man who has ever played house with him has made promises of those trips. I use to cringe when Malachi came home speaking of plans of them because I knew it was only to be a let down I would need to help him recover from. I don’t fear that now. With Marc I am able to let myself get excited for my son. I can rejoice in his excitement and not fill with worry. This man is my families blessing and he has absolutely no clue of his infectious love. 20180512_110416.jpg Blue and Gold Macaw Coloring Book

Loved me through the worst

I really had no idea how broken I was until he loved me. A lifetime of pain made me a shell of who I am suppose to be. I had told a horrendous lie that I thought was simply the only choice on the table. I held that lie with my life. I let it control my life. I allowed my kids dad to black mail me over this lie. The power I gave that lie and the person holding it was consuming. I left the man who loved me in attempt to hide my lie. I felt at a fork where I was choosing my love, or my kids. That left me with no choice at all because what mother could choose anything over her offspring. In a panic I found myself complying to all the rules and ultimatums as I always have. I was instantly miserable and depressed. A black cloud surrounded me within mins. 5 hours of complete agony. Five hours snout down my face crying gasping for my breath. I was clearly in a panic attack. I wouldn’t even open the door my love could not even look me in the eyes. He couldn’t look at me and fix things because I wouldn’t allow him. I told him nothing of the lie or the black mail. I just cried uncontrollably. He got down on the floor. Under the door he grabbed my hand. My heart sank my tears poured how badly I wanted to be on his chest. How could I choose him over my kids? Hours later I unlocked the door. I poured out my heart and pleaded for his love. It never faulted. It mattered none of why I left him with a letter. He never cared about any of the events just how he could help me fix them. He simply wanted to protect me. He didn’t have any anger. I couldn’t even fathom how he could be there. How he  could love me after me leaving in that way. I tried to plan and execute us keeping the secret under wraps until we had what we needed for our dreams. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let another man speak so ill of the one I loved. I couldn’t let another man touch me. I couldn’t pretend. I blew it all and the flood gates opened. The lie poured out and damage was monumental. My heart wrenched for my son. I wanted badly to scream from the rooftops why my choice was the only one I had. I was willing to give up the only man I had ever loved to protect the lie. Protect my child. I failed. It is all out. I may never see him. I may never get forgiveness. My heart shattered but there is no more anyone can do. It’s all over now. My penance paid. The statue of limitations is over I had kept the lie long enough. The damage is still far to great for me to see the light yet. I do know he will love me through it. I know I won’t be alone. My pain won’t be by burden to myself. He will be there and he will get me through it. I haven’t ever had so much faith in anything as I do in his love. I know we will find a way to make things right again together 🙂

The venom and lies he still spews.

There are places I am restricted from going over the lies he tells. My ex husband is angry very angry. He has been paying the minimum required support for a very long time. In fact he took me to court to have it lowered with a doctor’s note saying he could do minimal hours and work. At the time having claims that he was going to get disability and was unable to work and support his kids for medical reasons.  His base support the amount that came to the kids being set at 88$ for 4 minor children. I left that be even after and I mean just a few weeks after Keith started a union overtime often job. No biggie really as the kids aren’t going without at the time. Recently Keith and his wife moved to my town. I myself encouraged it. I was sick and I mean very sick I was desperate for help with the teens him and I shared and welcomed it. I used my truck and I helped his wife move things from her storage to their new house. I loaned cigarette and gas money when they first moved in. Not a substantial amount or anything just 7-`10 bucks here and there. I provided rides where needed I just tried to be supportive and helpful. His wife called his paycheck card in mine and the kids presence pretty regularly to the point where I knew what he was making. The kids and I had several conversations about how much money that was to have so little and to never do anything for them. When the kids bdays rolled around and they got nothing but fake broken promises. While he wife bragged of the purchases for her and her kids it became clear of their intentions. Occasionally if Keith was asked directly on payday before the money was cleared out and depending how and for what was asked he may help. He put $50 on the $380 class ring Allen got. I still never filed to raise anything. It seemed that the battle for asking for more support even if it were the right thing would be more than I was willing to take on. Then things got progressively worse. As he would buy from fundraisers and never give the money. He would put bday money in their hands then pull it back to say he had to hold it and spend it on another child and flaunt that. It was a very sad situation. The battle in my head to raise support was always there. In my state it’s done by a formula if the amount he was paying was the amount he was able to afford then it would be left. I asked Keith for help many times that summer. It was my sickest moments. I truly needed the help. That summer my girls rape by the brother living in Keith’s home came to light. That summer I stood and watched in fear as Keith dragged Malachi from the home. In a vicious fight between the two. A screaming match between a father and son like I had never seen in my life. I watched Keith foolishly spend money that I knew my children could clearly benefit from. Our eldest son getting into a college program was a milestone. I was desperate to get him his license, a car , and a cell phone. Keith promised him a phone, his truck, and to pay half the license cost with me. Sadly for my son that was all lies. I begged for the 50$ money order for the drivers ed for a long time. Allen given many excuses for the phone and why he didn’t have one. Meantime the son who had raped our daughters got a cell phone. I thought maybe for Keith that taking care of the kids he seen daily and were in his house seemed priority, I am sure he held his own anger to the lack of bond he had with his first born. I have truly and honestly tried to foster that. Allen is 16 now his opinion of his father is formed only Keith can change that. Keith made plans to take Allen shopping for shoes. I thought that was the coolest plan yet… that was over a year and a half ago Allen is still waiting.  Sometimes Keith can appear and be the dad they love. He doesn’t even have to put in much effort honestly they simple want his time. Sometimes it’s like he comes around to hurt them like he is hurting from them. I wish he’d leave the wife and other kids and home and just pick up the four and soak up the time before it’s not there to soak up. Allen will turn 18 in no time and he will break that tie completely as I have my father. I went to court after the incident with the shoes and the money order for drivers ed. I had no idea how high the support would increase. Over 109% increase. Now he is slandering me as a gold digger all over town. How I take all the money he needs to survive. I want so badly to say are you kidding !!!??? Do you remember when I left you your wife your kids and your 9 dogs into my home!!!!!!! DO YOU!!!??? Do you remember the groceries I brought to your shawnee trailer, your hills haven trailer!!!! I bought you clothes,blankets, coffee, cigs. I raise your CHILDREN!!!!!~! I just don’t get it. Like how can you be so dishonest do you really think that I take child support to hurt you!?! It’s not about you it’s not about me. It’s about the kids deserving to be supported. They deserve to have the same financial obligations by us both. I have not once not been there for something him and his family needed. When they themselves were on hard times and they had to complete a program for michigan works to get state aide it was me that took their kids for that entire week. Both kids. One that was not even keith’s and one that was from and affair in our marriage. I took their kids to church, to easter egg hunts, their first time feeding the ducks was with me, first time trick or treating was with me! I took your kids to water parks I included your kids in my family and in return your slandering my name. It’s like a slap to the face that I expected and still forgot to duck. I was unwelcome somewhere last week because I am a gold digging evil baby mama…… hmmm I just can’t see it in the dark he sees. I wish I could say that if he called I’d hang up, not help, tell him where to shove it…. but truthfully nothing would change for me. I will be supportive I will buy groceries if that means his kids see him or the coffee he needs to deal with them. The cigs he needs to chain smoke to entertain them. Ill do whatever because it’s what is best for my kids. My heart still hurts at how he sees this and me. It hurts that people who have never meet me are now passing such ill judgement upon me. I wonder if the money was worth the insults. I wonder if the money even has a thing to do with it or if they would still be there just the same.

Hard To Love

I meet a lady once. She lived in the opposite side of a duplex I was residing with my first husband. I was all of 18 years old. She had a young daughter and I had went to be the friendly neighbor and introduce myself. To my surprise when she answered my knock at the door she instantly wept and wrapped me in her arms. I had no recollection of her at all. She had been a roommate to my mother when I was the age my kids were then. (toddler years) She told me horrific childhood stories of her and my mother’s drug habits. Of the horrible choices that they had made. A story of me drawing on the walls and the beating I had gotten for it. How my eyelashes full of tears had tugged at her heart strings that day. I have no idea how much of it is true. I clearly have blocked out many memories because I don’t remember living with my mom much at all. I always remember being at some family members and even those are few and foggy until into teenage years and after moving out. I went to my mom and asked who this girl was and if the stories had any truth. She gave no answers. The girl’s daughter tried hard to share many memories of us and how our mothers were. I couldn’t even remember her. I wanted so badly to fill in the blanks but my mother offered none of the puzzle pieces that she held. Pretty much the only one who would speak to me of those days was my Grandma Dee and I could never decyfer her fables from facts. I tell my kids openly the mistakes I made drinking and losing them and not having the income I needed to provide and just not getting my shit together. I answer every single question honest and openly. I thank my mom for that really for the bond I have built with my kids is because of the one I lacked with her. I share my mistakes so that they can learn from them. So I can show them that I am human and will screw up as they will too as a parent as a child as a human…. We love each other even when we are hard to love. We give forgiveness and love through the mistakes. I think I hold anger for what I don’t know. For answers I wasn’t given. I wish I could let go. Forgiving would be far better for my heart…. It’s just I don’t think she even feels remorse. There I go again another excuse for why I can’t do something. Clearly she is not in control over my ability to forgive I am. I can’t ever imagine my kids being to hard to love. I always have felt to hard to love by everyone but them. I thought that the reason I wasn’t for them was that I taught them to love even through the hard. By sharing it with them and not pretending it wasn’t there. No brushing it under the rug in this family. I didn’t have custody because I wasn’t the best mom I could be. It’s a hard mistake to make and one I shall never make again.

Love of a child.

The love of a child is pure. It’s the truest form of love there is. It’s that unconditional and without fault. My son doesn’t give his love out very easily. He isn’t much for sitting still. Not much for being to close if your not his mom and occasionally he can tolerate certain siblings enough to be close and cuddle. Tonight I had been laying in my spot curled up to the man of my dreams. I had something that needed tending to of course. Is that not how it always works in the life of a mother? When I came back Paytyn had climbed into my spot. He was curled up and hanging out. Oh my heart just wanted to burst. There it was the biggest sign ever. He had won the heart of the sweetest little boy I know. I had to grab my phone to capture the moment. I knew that there will be bad days to come and these pictures of that smile that perfect smile both had on their faces enjoying time together. they would bring me the joy I needed to get through. Paytyn is the best judge of character I know and he showed tonight that he approves. I can’t hold my eyes open to type even though I have a million things I’d love to say. My life is incredibly blessed.

High Emotions…..

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I woke up around 6 from the cramps in my stomach. They were something fierce. I had dinner last night and Marc’s parent’s bought my food. I sat to put the first bite to my mouth of the mouthwatering food and felt queasy instantly. I wanted to cry as hungry as I was putting the food in my mouth is physically painful. I was more embarrassed that I had made them spend money and not eaten it. I looked so ungrateful I was ashamed.  Marc has kinda dissolved that feeling for me when he buys now and I don’t have that as much. Nearly never in fact he just knows me and my needs and fulfills them. He in line told me it was okay if I ate nothing at all. He said if I wanted to order and try but couldn’t he would surely eat it for me the next day. I was good with that until I seen his dad buy and then felt instant obligation to eat my food. I put more then I should into my stomach yesterday. I knew it and kept trying before finally failing to even successfully complete a french fry… So this morning when I woke I began to get sick from the food I had consumed yesterday. I turned on the fan trying to hide the sound. I’m not sure why I felt he need. I vomited blood up and spent the entire morning in tears alone in his bathroom. Then I got emotional. I looked on my phone for something to do… maybe a distraction to collect myself before getting back into bed with him. I failed at that too as the thing I found was that I did have my ex husband’s number. So I texted…. I told him exactly what I felt without holding back. How he had lied to the court and the slander of my name was ridiculous as I only wanted help with my kids. I hadn’t ever really kept his kids from him listing all the ways I had went above and beyond not to in fact. I listed him and his wife and kids moving to my home. Taking my children to tents to stay with him as he had no housing. I reminded him that even after he failed to protect my daughters from being molested and raped I still put my feelings towards that aside and drove my kids to his family reunion to see him. Without gas money or even a thank you. So with nothing to gain for myself I still made sure my kids had him and his family in their lives. In fact until he took me to court I had his mother sister and family on my face book in daily contact about his children.  I reminded him of all the things that may have slipped his mind before I even have opened the court documents waiting on my grandparents for me. I showed him the house phone had been the same number for a solid 3 years and he had it for sure. Never had it changed at all. I basically debunked everything he stated in court. BEcause it was in fact all LIES! I wrote out of anger in a place of emotion and regretted it right after pressing send… Now I can’t take it back. My stomach is killing me to a level that I seriously would consider going to the hospital right now if I thought i wouldn’t be alone there. Pain in my leg isn’t horrendous but the combination together is taking a toll for sure. Does pain make you more emotional?  It sure seems to me. I really wish I could be better already…….

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Air Zoo Trip

Yesterday my oldest daughter’s virtual academy hosted a field trip to the Kalamazoo Air Zoo. I had been talking of wanting to go for some time so I was extra pleased to see it on the list of trips. Right away I made arrangements to take my kids. I messaged Marc to trade vehicles for the day because I feel much safer diving the distance in his. He agreed of course and eagerly assisted me getting the forester for the trip. He went the extra mile to equip me with the garmin gps too. The ride there went extremely smooth anxiety was low even though I hate driving his car eases it a bit.  I didn’t get lost or make any wrong turns the kids stayed fairly calm and quiet. Pulling in there are 3 large planes outside making it very easy to find. There are signs and arrows directing as well as colored planes on the side walks to direct you into the buildings main entrance and to the second building they have.  As we entered we were greeted immediately by a young gentlemen at the check in table. I knew before arrival of my purchase choice and quickly got through the process and into the cloud hall that leads to the museum. As we entered it was breathtaking. I mean these planes were massive in comparison to the one I had my first ride in.  There were helicopters and planes from the war. Another older gentlemen greeted us now and he asked what we would like to see the most as he would direct us. Arriving at 9:00 am on the dot did make us the first customers of the day. This gentlemen took our map and explained the lay out. Hailey wanted to see the simulators the most and he said this was perfect time as was no line. We made those our first stop. I hopped in a simulator with Malachi. Upon climbing in we were seat belted across our laps and a third in the middle of us. As well as metal bars on our chest that came down from above. A very quick not easy to understand tutorial followed. There is where I’d implement some changes as I had no clue what was stated in that. I think even a sign with directions at the beginning of line would help as we could read them before entering as I am sure repeating them is difficult and time consuming. It took us at least a min of the three min ride to figure out how to get off the ground and we never had much control of our plane at all.  Around in barrel roll after barrel roll we went the laughter consuming us as we surely knew we could not be pilots. It was so much fun though. It ended to quickly and we never returned for a second ride like I’d had liked to. As we explored I realized that my kids weren’t paying attention to the things I had hoped they would. I seen how much the world had a grasp on them and I was losing a battle of keeping them kids….. My daughter cared far more about the boy then the war that was fought in the plane before her. It hurt my heart a bit that the rides were the focus of the day for the kids. I took pictures and wandered on my own. I longed for my boyfriend whose eyes would be lite up being there and he would be filling me with information about the stories behind the planes. My daughter had no interest in learning on her field trip and I was truly heart broken. Her brother had several moments on the trip where he felt sad and secluded because she had only one focus the boy….. I can’t lay blame on anyone but myself I have allowed her to grow such a dependency for him. How do I change things now? I want to stay home with the kids again. They need more time then I have to give working out of the home. I have the income to pull it off if I stay on my game. So how do I get my life back… The one before cancer. That is when I kinda lost things maybe I let them go and gave up then. So now how do I find that path again. I just want to be the best mother. I don’t think I am deceiving that…. I have been trying harder to not raise my voice. But I need a way to be in charge without that as yelling was always my way of achieving that. I just don’t like how yelling makes the other person feel lower. I hated being yelled at still do so I don’t want to yell at them. I just need to find my grove I guess. The field trip left me feeling like my teens were going to go sliding down a wrong path… They only raced through things and spent more time goofing off then paying attention but that is out of character for them. I see the path I laid being strayed from. I see them growing up in ways that need slowed down. I need to give them more productive things to do with their time but they aren’t accomplishing the ones already there. UGh Parenting is so hard guys!

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I long to be a better mother. I sat here pondering what I wanted to write about. I know I need to write but there is nothing inside me that I feel worthy of typing and sharing. So I thought what is the thing I long to be…. It’s a better mother. Everything I do is towards that goal. Although I fail miserably all the time at the task at hand the goal is still always the same. I want to be the best mom I can be. I want to never raise my voice again. I want to have an abundance of patience and time. I can’t help but feel like I am racing a clock to raise them. Wanting them to be grown before I go. So maybe I should slow things down a bit in my mind. Just focus on the moment not the future so much. He tells me everyday take one task at a time or problem and then take on the next. I would love to be the mom whose voice is never intimidating or raised. I want to have the respect without having to raise my voice. I think it ‘s my biggest parenting flaw is raising my voice or even changing my tone. I don’t want to instill fear just respect so there really isn’t a need to raise my voice or yell at my kids right? I think it’s a reasonable goal to place upon myself to find a way to get the message across without yelling. I had this goal list on my mirror and as of this morning I have completed it in it’s entirety so it’s time for a new. This is for sure my 1 goal. I strive to be the best mom I have the ability to be. Look guys I have set a new goal. A step forward as this week I felt like I lived life at a stand still. I feel excited to strive for being a better mother. I look forward to my progress and bettering myself as a mom and my relationship with my kids. Does anyone have something in their parenting they wish they could improve? Start a goal with me to improve it for our children? They are my greatest success.

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