I am the abuse victim….

I realize more and more how much I play into the victim role. I truly wish to stand up and break free from it. Not live my life worried on the negatives of what they may try. This week was defeating. My ex’s still play a huge role in destroying everything good in my life. Misery loves company I guess. I have been failing at my attempts to escape all that haunts me. To not live in fear of the what if’s. I was ready to give up my blog because of my abuser. Isn’t that crazy he isn’t in my life anymore yet I’d let him still take from me. Writing is my therapy it’s one of the good’s in my life. Therefore it’s vulnerable and open for my abuser to target. So I need to once again summons up whatever courage my frail soul may have left and push back. He has hacked accounts created issues within. So I change the passwords. I use my unity with Marc to rebuild. I focus on the good things. Marc and I both have our own places. Both home are stocked with love and food and all needs meet at both. No one is behind on any bills. No one is really stressing financially. Although my head seems to be screaming I need to work and bring in more we truly are just fine. Stumbling is okay it’s not defeat. So I spent the week wallowing in my hard work my abuser destroyed then I shook it off. I woke this morning ready to conquer the new obstacles he had laid before me. I can regain what is lost with effort. My abuser will not get the gratification of seeing me remain defeated as I am already standing tall again. My ads are back up. I will have the site running better than ever by the end of the week. I can achieve anything. I’m not alone.

Dinner at the Mark

So I didn’t tell dinner from my side and my actions just as I seen my kids doing. Truthfully my side should be told as well. See when we sat down I already was full of worry. I kinda always am with food. The menus before me seem overwhelming. I am starved staring at the choices. I probably haven’t taken a days worth of calories all week long. I am beyond starved  as half those calories I vomit back up. Even when I tell people I am doing okay holding it down I am not!!!! So in my mind I am playing okay what do I want that I’ll be okay possibly puking in 5 mins. I am searching for the bathroom doors and wondering how many people maybe inside it if I have to go hug the porcelain God. I also have to worry about the daughter who is struggling with the font and reading the words on the menu and feeling overwhelmed and a son that is trying to experience all he can from his meal. I grabbed his leg before deciding I was going to get my favorite exactly how I enjoyed eating it. I order my nachos with nothing but meat and cheese. So when you order mexican and you leave out all of the rabbit food let me just tell you how skimpy the portion then becomes.  So I add extra of both meat and cheese. I swallow hard looking back at Marc. He smiles the reassurance I need but he has no idea he is even giving. Again he is perfect so most of the amazing things he does require no effort at all. His smile always warms me from the inside. Soon I see people walk in that I know… Memories that aren’t to fond. Ones I still want to share with him though. I know he hates negative stuff and maybe I shouldn’t always share them when they come up like that but he held me and let me cuddle him to pieces after and you know once he told me that the people I knew went to the back room I never thought about it again throughout dinner. I had gotten out he parts I needed to say and he had given me the comfort and listening ear I needed and then we just moved on.  I seen them again when going to the rest room but felt nothing as I had when they walked in. It was just another person in the restaurant was all.  Food arrived and I want to hoover it. My doctor apt was the afternoon before going to dinner and this is something I had just been told not to do. My tummy would need time eat very slowly. So I am eat time telling myself chew slowly as I eat. Still very focused on getting it in my belly! I eat about half my small portion. Not very small though if you ask me. Then I start to feel very full and cramping begins. My guilt is already setting in. My meal was expensive how can I not finish it.  I had FORCED HIM to PAY EXTRA for my extra meat and cheese and now I was leaving some of that on the plate. I surely hadn’t forced him at all but in my head that is exactly what I am thinking. The waitress comes to take everyone’s plate. I make sure I am still picking from mine when she does so she makes no attempt to take it. I simply can’t leave not finishing this plate. Now she brings the check. Oh no I have to see what it’s charged him for this. I have to resist grabbing the check as I know he feels better paying for dinner. It gives him pride in himself and I don’t want to take that from him. ( we’ve had these talks many times about dinner is his job to buy for.) So I wait for him to grab it and flip it and get out his card. He has established now that he is paying. Okay, it’s safe to slide it to me and look at it. One dollar and seventy five cents extra is what the fee was. Back to picking the toppings from the chips now. Gorging myself and starting to really cramp. I wonder had I stopped when I knew I should if I could have prevented getting sick. I picked and picked until he said he was ready and rescued me from my plate, from my own head. I got up and knew I was going to get sick. I have practiced how to get sick as quietly as I can now. If I said nothing no one would know. No one did. I rinse my mouth in the sink a million times because now my purse contents are missing and I am not protected with the mouth wash it would normally carry. My battle armor is gone. 🙁 I come out to find he waited for me before going into restroom his self so I would not think he had gone to the car. The sweetest gesture of course made my head worry. He had been waiting do you think he knew I was getting sick? Did I take so long it’s noticeable? He wraps his arm around me kissing my forehead and we leave the building. The food was delicious he was not worried about my dollar seventy five one bit and he later raved of the time he had with us. I wish I could worry just a bit less. HE loves me. I wonder if I will spend my life reminding myself of that or if one day I will let all of these foolish worries go. All the pain from that past one day might just stop crashing through. Before writing this blog I created it in my head while shedding the tears it deserved and coloring my pain away. I often play a blog post in my head before typing but I never reread them I type freely. This is the page I am working on. In the coloring book that was here waiting for me when I arrived home for the weekend.

Soothing of my blues……

The struggle with sadness was powerful this week. I did okay over the weekend but still struggled even being with him. He tried so hard to make me smile and have an enjoyable time. I left this afternoon and just balled my eyes out. I had cried before leaving him too but I didn’t talk when he offered. Just cried and let him hold and love me. By the time I had those tears rolling at home I was feeling just one of those lowest of low moments. Everything felt suffocating. I absolutely felt alone since talking to the only one I have felt difficult. Not that he has done anything to create that feeling inside it’s just life lessons have left me to feel alone. I never had anyone love me the way he loves me. When I left he texted checking on me. He enforced I could talk about anything and he was there for me. His words gave me the courage to say yes I needed to pour my heart out. I needed to do it without feeling like I was saying the wrong words. As Marc is so positive if I talk about negative I feel like I’m bringing him down and that it’s better to keep to myself. So I needed the reassurance he gave to me before I could talk freely. I had cried myself into a headache before arrival and when he laid down in front of me and I rested my head on his chest his hands threw my hair.  Petting my face and head he provided all the comfort needed for me to open up. I just hit the tip the ice berg but I got out some stuff that I needed to. We got the communication that was needed for us to progress forward together through all that life is going to through at us. He had every word I needed to hear while telling me he had no idea what he was doing. He hadn’t done this in a long time been in a relationship as ours. He speaks directly to my heart kisses on the forehead making me feel like his princess. He soothed away some of my blues. I am so madly in love. I can’t imagine going through all that I am without him. I just can’t imagine surviving without him. '