This year my Mother’s Day was far different than any other. Normally it’s pretty much like any other day. In fact most of the days that were intended to be my special days turned out pretty awful. When your in an abusive relationship it’s just kinda what happens. I don’t think a selfish man knows how to turn over an entire day devoted to another. I’ve gotten gifts from baby daddies and kiddos and my mother often not that I was never gifted or that it was not intended to make me feel good but the intention was never obtained that is for sure. This year started in complete chaos as the kids father whom they hadn’t seen in an entire year only had my day available to visit with the kids. So I had to give up my time for him. It took a lot of swallowing my pride to allow him that morning and to not let it show that it was hurtful to do so. I never want to share my kids. I am selfish in wanting all of their time. Time I know I won’t take for granted. I had made the arrangements for Keith to get his kids around 12 noon. That morning he called about 9 asking for them in thirty mins. I had kids in two seperate locations thinking I had still had several hours. I had the entire day planned out now here it was all about to change. Guess who hates change? ME! Of course I roll with the punches because this is for my kids. Mother’s never get a day to be selfish even on a day labeled for us. I got the kids all in one place just in time for Keith to arrive and pick them up. I was quite pleased that he showed and made effort and feeling a little less sad about sharing my time when I seen the excitement in my kids face to see him. After Keith took the kids I retreated back to the bedroom blogging while my love napped a bit. We got up and started to pack for our picnic day with his family and mine. We were to meet Keith at the park so we were preparing to pick up the 4 kids that weren’t with Keith. As we are to walk out the door the phone rings. It’s Keith who is done and has nowhere to go with the kids about a hour before our scheduled meeting time. So change plans again and wait for him to bring us the kids back to Marc’s house before leaving to get the others. Marc had spent the morning making the chicken taco meat for the walking burrito bowls his sister had planned for the park. So thoughtful it was for her to take on planning and preparing so much amazing food. It was a huge deal to me Marc was making the meat. It seems silly since it was precooked and mixing in a crockpot but gosh was I just beaming at his effort. He isn’t much of a chef and doesn’t enough cooking much. I remember the next day noticing he had washed the crockpot too and that in itself warmed me from the inside. Dishes too are not the man’s thing. Paper products to avoid it at all cost was more his style. Anyway we finally get all the kids in two cars and transported to the park. Upon arrival I see his mom. It had been kept a complete surprise to her and you could see the delight in her face when we pulled in. She greeted each child she had yet to meet informing them they were able to call her grandma if they would like to. It was an extra special gesture to me maybe even more so than the kids. Perhaps my favorite moment of the day in fact. Especially for Paytyn. Paytyn has grandmothers but not those that are involved in any way in his life. If he were to run into them in public he would need to ask me who they are. I know that won’t be the case with Debbie and it felt uplifting. He needs more wonderful people to love him he just doesn’t have enough you know? Autism and bipolar are hard to manage at 6. I enjoyed so much the time we spent at the park as a family. It was not nearly as overwhelming as being with my own would have been. The judgement I feel with mine it’s just not there with Marc’s family. His sister easily laughed off some of Paytyn’s emotional outburst. They engaged in a loving manner at all times. I never get that none of us do. We see hanging with family as a chore. It’s sad and I have often tried to make more of an effort to not see it like that but I just can’t. We had some awesome food turns out April and Marc are both quite the cooks. 🙂 Marc’s mom and Hailey went for a short nature walk at the park and on the way home it was all Hailey could rave of. She has the most resistance for Marc so I was happy to see her bond. I know she wants to let him love her but she has a lot of distrust in her heart. Hard work it will be for Marc to show her he isn’t like that rest. That her behavior and harsh attitude with him at times is only her way of seeing if he will be here through anything. She wants to see if he means what he says because so many others didn’t. I know her actions well cause I was her. At her age in fact. I loved Rik wholeheartedly as my dad but letting him love me was a whole different story. I wish I could give my daughter the wisdom she needs to get through her emotions but I know this is a path she must conquer on her own because mom’s know nothing at this age. My Mother’s day at the park was an incredible high for me!! I was so filled with love. I counted 8 hugs that day between Marc’s mother and I. There was no key chain to tell me she loved me. She used actions and words. Pretty special moment for sure. After about 3 hours at the park it was too cold for the kids to be entertained anymore. In and out of the car and water they went. Malachi dove under and caught a large snapping turtle. Putting everyone in the park at awe for a moment. We all took pictures and set the little guy free again. Aaden he found a skeleton and giggled to no end while chasing his sisters with it. We seen and Engret across the water. We got to watch him for quite some time in fact and watched him take off in flight. He was a stunning bird. Upon leaving we headed to Marc’s I should have known this would not be a pleasant experience. Paytyn was not ever going to want to leave. As I thought it was a total meltdown. He was yelling and cursing outside in Marc’s yard. My gut wrenched at what would the landlord or neighbors think. I raced to get him and get him into the car. He kicked me and threw himself. “I hate you!!! YOUR A DICK!!! YOUR A JERK !!! I HATE MY LIFE!!! ” My tears were flowing. I get him into the car and a sibling holding him down and run inside to tell Marc I am leaving now! He looks at me with a look I see as frustration. He throws his hands up and says I guess I will get there when I do. I stop for a moment putting my arms around him and saying I am sorry don’t be upset at me. My son needs me to go and I race back out of the house. Marc follows right behind me and we leave at the same time Paytyn in my car. We get a few blocks before the screaming child in the back seat is opening the back door and trying to jump from the moving vehicle. My heart stops I pull over immediately and address the situation. His anger just continues to escalate. Hailey does her best to aide me in calming him to no avail. She holds him down for the rest of the trip into his seat buckled. I cry and cry. I can only think of Marc being angry, and me being a failure as a parent. My son hates me. I cried the entire ride. I ball in Marc’s arms as soon as we get home. He clarifies he wasn’t upset at me at all and just didn’t understand in the moment. He giggles at the thought of me being so upset from thinking he was upset. I calm and get the kids and house under control and Marc heads home. So my evening wasn’t the greatest but how great is it to not be going through that alone. I know my son loves me more then he loves anything else in the world but in those moments it’s hard to remember. Having Marc able to help defuse and help remind me of my son’s love in the moments he isn’t so loving is a true blessing. I had the very best Mother’s Day
I have never seen family as a very positive experience. I don’t mean to make it sound harsh towards those I share blood with it is just I never could feel loved in the way I needed from them. I never have felt like a priority above all else and honestly I don’t think that the kids ever have either. ( outside of me and them having each other) That is just absolutely no longer the case. I feel like my time and presence is priceless. The kids feel valued. Not valued because they are my kids and some guy is trying to date their mom but valued as their own individual self’s. I feel supported and not judged at all. I can freely speak of anything and know I will absolutely still be loved after. The time the kids get is given with enthusiasm. I look forward to the bond growing. My heart rejoices knowing that they can feel apart of a family far bigger then my love alone was able to provide. I watch them interact and think this is how it was always suppose to be. I had held onto something so toxic for so long thinking it was “family”. The emotional, and physical abuse thick but I thought….. this …. this man is their dad. I hated growing up without a father and the one that I was given came far later in life. I wanted to fix anything even if it was broken beyond repair so I wasn’t the one taking the father away from them. I had never known what a real family would or should feel like. I was so focused on not letting the one there leave I hadn’t had time to look around. Now that it’s here in front of me. Ours to have and revel in I am soaking it up as a spoiled princess would. I spend time stepping back and just taking in the love showered upon my children. As he walks from a room to tell me he is going to hang out with one of the kids. Not bothered by me enjoying the alone time created when he does so. I don’t feel so confined. I feel trusted completely and supported. Emotionally I am far more stable in his presence. I try now to explain to my kids dad’s how much different I see things. How I see their love and how the kids do. It’s fallen on deaf ears of course. Malachi telling how his dad doesn’t want time with him he sits depressed unable to enjoy time with him. They are in the same room and the silence can’t be broken. To speak with cell phones in hands and looking up to nod without engaging. I can’t get across to them what they are missing. I can’t get through the selfish tendencies to explain what a wonderful love we are experiencing. I can’t get them to stop wanting to hate those loving us to see if they just took the time to do the same they would have the same love back. I can’t count how many times I went and tried to do whatever I was able to just get my parent’s attention and time. I see my kids doing the same and I sit and shake my head. As their father’s just can’t see it. My parent’s are missing so much and can’t see that either the actions they choose don’t feel like love to us or the lack of time given just makes us distance more. I wish I had a far better bound with my family but I look forward into the family being built before my very eyes. It’s a fire burning within the love I receive
these days. It’s not like anything I have ever felt before.