What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle


I wish that I could go back and lead a better example. Never understanding how to pick friends myself I passed those traits to my children. Clinging to toxic needing friendships was my motive. There was a clear need for me to be needed. Finding comfort in being the nurturer in the friendship. Maybe even the mother, the clear responsible one.

I’ve since learned how to better chose who I have in my life and the boundaries I put in place. But a day too late because my kids were watching my failures at building those healthy friendships. They too now sit often in pain from choosing unhealthy friendships. So badly do I wish I could go back and be a better example. Catching on sooner than I did.

Sadly I instilled in my children the same fears I had of being alone. Clingy to those unhealthy relationships as if they are a need. The fear of that lonely feeling. It often lead me to succumb to being someone I was not.

Last Night watching my daughter do just as I spent most of my life doing my heart wrenched. There isn’t anything I can do about the example I gave now. Only thing there is to do is move forward doing better. Longing for them to find everlasting healthy friendships and relationships.

I truly thought it was painful to go through it all but it’s far worse to watch your children repeat your mistakes. Moving forward I will do better.

February 7, 2021