Clare Bear’s Final Concert Of The Year

My middle daughter was born at 26 weeks. Can you imagine? She weighed less than a pound and spent a lengthy four months in the nicu. She has struggled all of her life to play catch up. Ieps, title classes, speech therapy. you name it she has been in it. So it’s safe to say she struggles. Reading by far the hardest for her to accomplish. She now has been diagnosed with a basic reading disability. When she came to me wanting to play in the band I must admit I discouraged it somewhat. I had 3 kids in band and knew what was expected and I thought it would be overwhelming for her. To my surprise she flourished. Sitting in the second chair out of over a dozen clarinet players. I of course attend all the kids functions humanly possible missing only a handful for work or health reasons only. This week, yesterday was Clare’s last performance of the year. She can tend to be one of the quieter more shy kids and often doesn’t find a way to shine above the others. Now she is the only kid left in band. I was so excited to be there for her and support her. When the flyer came home I eagerly asked Marc to come. He agreed instantly.  I don’t think he’d missed it for anything outside of work either to be honest. He showers us with so much love and attention I can’t imagine even work making him miss something important for one of us. On Mother’s Day I excited asked Marc to invite his family. I wasn’t sure if they would be able to make it. His father still works and I wasn’t sure the schedule and his mom’s health isn’t the greatest. I heard back the night prior that they would be in attendance. I thought I would let them surprise Clare. Normally I would refrain from telling her who was coming because I was not ever sure who would really show up for her. This wasn’t the case yesterday as I knew Marc and his family would not ever let us down. I normally pace and watch the door hoping and praying not to be let down and get let down anyway. This time I was watching in pure excitement. I had no fear of that let down just anticipation for them to arrive and share the experience with us. I arrived to the school 45 mins early to acquire those front row seats I had to have. Clare’s face light up when Marc’s parents took their seats next to us. She cheesed so big at our applause. I knew she felt special. I knew her heart was full of the love and attention she was given. Mine was bursting. Each time Marc would rub down my arm and hold my hand I beamed. My smile made my face begin to hurt. I was just so happy sitting in those awful hard seats in that humid gymnasium. Clare performed perfectly. I could not have been more proud of her. I hollered her name in praise a few times. I got huge hugs upon departing and Clare was giving away hugs cheerfully. I have a family guys…. One that TRULY LOVES US!

One Very Memorable Mother’s Day

One Very Memorable Mother’s Day

This year my Mother’s Day was far different than any other. Normally it’s pretty much like any other day. In fact most of the days that were intended to be my special days turned out pretty awful. When your in an abusive relationship it’s just kinda what happens. I don’t think a selfish man knows how to turn over an entire day devoted to another. I’ve gotten gifts from baby daddies and kiddos and my mother often not that I was never gifted or that it was not intended to make me feel good but the intention was never obtained that is for sure. This year started in complete chaos as the kids father whom they hadn’t seen in an entire year only had my day available to visit with the kids. So I had to give up my time for him. It took a lot of swallowing my pride to allow him that morning and to not let it show that it was hurtful to do so. I never want to share my kids. I am selfish in wanting all of their time. Time I know I won’t take for granted. I had made the arrangements for Keith to get his kids around 12 noon. That morning he called about 9 asking for them in thirty mins. I had kids in two seperate locations thinking I had still had several hours. I had the entire day planned out now here it was all about to change. Guess who hates change? ME! Of course I roll with the punches because this is for my kids. Mother’s never get a day to be selfish even on a day labeled for us. I got the kids all in one place just in time for Keith to arrive and pick them up. I was quite pleased that he showed and made effort and feeling a little less sad about sharing my time when I seen the excitement in my kids face to see him. After Keith took the kids I retreated back to the bedroom blogging while my love napped a bit. We got up and started to pack for our picnic day with his family and mine. We were to meet Keith at the park so we were preparing to pick up the 4 kids that weren’t with Keith. As we are  to walk out the door the phone rings. It’s Keith who is done and has nowhere to go with the kids about a hour before our scheduled meeting time. So change plans again and wait for him to bring us the kids back to Marc’s house before leaving to get the others. Marc had spent the morning making the chicken taco meat for the walking burrito bowls his sister had planned for the park. So thoughtful it was for her to take on planning and preparing so much amazing food. It was a huge deal to me Marc was making the meat. It seems silly since it was precooked and mixing in a crockpot but gosh was I just beaming at his effort. He isn’t much of a chef and doesn’t enough cooking much. I remember the next day noticing he had washed the crockpot too and that in itself warmed me from the inside. Dishes too are not the man’s thing. Paper products to avoid it at all cost was more his style. Anyway we finally get all the kids in two cars and transported to the park. Upon arrival I see his mom. It had been kept a complete surprise to her and you could see the delight in her face when we pulled in. She greeted each child she had yet to meet informing them they were able to call her grandma if they would like to. It was an extra special gesture to me maybe even more so than the kids. Perhaps my favorite moment of the day in fact. Especially for Paytyn. Paytyn has grandmothers but not those that are involved in any way in his life. If he were to run into them in public he would need to ask me who they are. I know that won’t be the case with Debbie and it felt uplifting. He needs more wonderful people to love him he just doesn’t have enough you know? Autism and bipolar are hard to manage at 6. I enjoyed so much the time we spent at the park as a family. It was not nearly as overwhelming as being with my own would have been. The judgement I feel with mine it’s just not there with Marc’s family. His sister easily laughed off some of Paytyn’s emotional outburst. They engaged in a loving manner at all times. I never get that none of us do. We see hanging with family as a chore. It’s sad and I have often tried to make more of an effort to not see it like that but I just can’t. We had some awesome food turns out April and Marc are both quite the cooks. 🙂 Marc’s mom and Hailey went for a short nature walk at the park and on the way home it was all Hailey could rave of. She has the most resistance for Marc so I was happy to see her bond. I know she wants to let him love her but she has a lot of distrust in her heart. Hard work it will be for Marc to show her he isn’t like that rest. That her behavior and harsh attitude with him at times is only her way of seeing if he will be here through anything. She wants to see if he means what he says because so many others didn’t. I know her actions well cause I was her. At her age in fact. I loved Rik wholeheartedly as my dad but letting him love me was a whole different story. I wish I could give my daughter the wisdom she needs to get through her emotions but I know this is a path she must conquer on her own because mom’s know nothing at this age. My Mother’s day at the park was an incredible high for me!! I was so filled with love. I counted 8 hugs that day between Marc’s mother and I. There was no key chain to tell me she loved me. She used actions and words. Pretty special moment for sure. After about 3 hours at the park it was too cold for the kids to be entertained anymore. In and out of the car and water they went. Malachi dove under and caught a large snapping turtle. Putting everyone in the park at awe for a moment. We all took pictures and set the little guy free again. Aaden he found a skeleton and giggled to no end while chasing his sisters with it. We seen and Engret across the water. We got to watch him for quite some time in fact and watched him take off in flight. He was a stunning bird. Upon leaving we headed to Marc’s I should have known this would not be a pleasant experience. Paytyn was not ever going to want to leave. As I thought it was a total meltdown. He was yelling and cursing outside in Marc’s yard. My gut wrenched at what would the landlord or neighbors think. I raced to get him and get him into the car. He kicked me and threw himself. “I hate you!!! YOUR A DICK!!! YOUR A JERK !!! I HATE MY LIFE!!! ” My tears were flowing. I get him into the car and a sibling holding him down and run inside to tell Marc I am leaving now! He looks at  me with a look I see as frustration. He throws his hands up and says I guess I will get there when I do.  I stop for a moment putting my arms around him and saying I am sorry don’t be upset at me. My son needs me to go and I race back out of the house. Marc follows right behind me and we leave at the same time Paytyn in my car. We get a few blocks before the screaming child in the back seat is opening the back door and trying to jump from the moving vehicle. My heart stops I pull over immediately and address the situation. His anger just continues to escalate. Hailey does her best to aide me in calming him to no avail. She holds him down for the rest of the trip into his seat buckled. I cry and cry. I can only think of Marc being angry, and me being a failure as a parent. My son hates me. I cried the entire ride. I ball in Marc’s arms as soon as we get home. He clarifies he wasn’t upset at me at all and just didn’t understand in the moment. He giggles at the thought of me being so upset from thinking he was upset. I calm and get the kids and house under control and Marc heads home. So my evening wasn’t the greatest but how great is it to not be going through that alone. I know my son loves me more then he loves anything else in the world but in those moments it’s hard to remember. Having Marc able to help defuse and help remind me of my son’s love in the moments he isn’t so loving is a true blessing. I had the very best Mother’s Day

Bass Pro Dessert YUMMY

Bass Pro Dessert YUMMY

Saturday after our fun dinner experience Marc decided we just hadn’t had nearly enough fun. Next door to us was the Bass Pro Shop and clearly the ideal place for us to have dessert. So we promptly headed over after finishing up dinner. The kids were blown away by the size of the building before we ever even entered inside. It is pretty impressive in size. Walking up there are ponds to the side of the walk way that gave the kids a roar of excitement from within. It also quickly gave way to the realization that Malachi didn’t have enough meat on his bones to keep him warm while we checked out these ponds. He was shivering pretty quickly and we hurried inside. When we walked in the kids had so much to look at they missed the ginormous fish tank that sits in the bar section of the restaurant. We ended up spending an entire hour in the store walking around. We checked out the fresh water and salt water tanks. We we intrigued by all of the stuffed animals that we scattered throughout the store. Malachi was fascinated by everything. Upstairs which we arrived at via a glass elevator there was a shooting range. It had different targets on fake animals and probably 20 guns to shoot from. It cost just 50 cents a play. I think you got about 15 shoots and it kept your score. The four of us took our hands 3 times playing against each other. Malachi winning each time. I myself found the guns to be far heavier than I had imagined them being. I felt weak pretty quickly and struggled to hold them up. I actually felt a bit sad over realizing how frail I can be especially with my right side. I may miss out on some experiences over it. I enjoyed the entire day with my love and the kids and tried not to think about the negatives. WE sat for dessert just before closing both kids opted from eating anything at all as they were still full and the menu had no pictures on it so nothing was calling their name. Marc and I both got ourselves the smores skillet. It was a double chocolate cookie cooked in the bottom of a skilled covered in mini marshmallows that were then toasted to the top. It was good but very rich. I ended up sharing mine with the two kids who hadn’t gotten anything and Marc finished his all on his own. I’d absolutely go back and I know Hailey would really enjoy it.


Quaker Steak and Lube Dinning

Quaker Steak and Lube Dinning

Yesterday we had made plans to take our very own Clare Bear out to dinner. It was to be a celebration. You see my Clare Bear is my shy girl of the bunch. A social butterfly with her peers but often has trouble interacting with other adults or those she doesn’t know. Earlier in the week Clare had decided she really wanted to join a stem camp. In order to successfully join she would need paperwork filled out and a recommendation from a teacher. They would take a look at things like behavior and attendance and that recommendation when they made their choice as to which kids got into camp. It was a pretty big deal to Clare so we made sure it was to us too. I mean after all it’s a lot and I do mean a whole lot of work to get me to sign papers. Finding a pen, getting me to sit still to read and fill them out, it’s quite the task in itself. So that took her a couple of days to accomplish. I didn’t hear anything more about it in fact once my signature hit the paper. On Friday Clare and I went to check the mail and in it had a letter from the school address to her parent. She always gets nervous of letters like that even though never had even one been anything negative to fret. The letter was her acceptance into the stem camp! She was too excited as I was driving and let her open it. I got o watch her face light up as her excitement grew within throughout reading her letter.  We whisked off to our weekend with Marc and upon sharing the news with him it was immediately decided we would celebrate with dinner sometime over the weekend. We tossed several dinner our ideas around in our head. Clare had a pretty clear choice of what she wanted to eat. The girl needed her some cheese fries! So cheese fries it was going to be. Marc decided that Quaker Steak and Lube would be a fun choice that would surely have cheese fries. Kalamazoo bound we were. It is about an hour drive from home to dinner. Upon arrival we were taken back instantly by all there was to see. There were cars and motorcycles hanging from the ceiling. It had the appearance of a garage or a mechanic shop. We were seated in a both in a room that was to be the corvette room. In actuality it did have several things that were misplaced to that theme though. Marc was able to quickly point them out. There was a picture of a Porsche and a Ferrari both on the Corvette wall. It was kind of fun picking out the things that were out of place. They had some really awesome stuff to look at while you waited. Our waitress was dressed in all black. Her top had a neck piece that just didn’t look right. It resembled a turtle neck that had maybe been a bit stretched out. It didn’t have a professional appearance at all. It caught my eye as being off each time she had come to the table in fact. The other servers had Lube shirts that were clearly uniforms. Those had the garage look that I believe they were trying to obtain. The menu was as I expected wings, chicken strips, burgers, and of course the loaded fries our Clare Bear had requested. I myself didn’t think I was up for much food. I picked a appetizers of just 4 pretzels and beer cheese. We had gotten two orders of these one for all of us to try and have together and one as my meal. Clare got herself a combo deal giving her 5 boneless wings and a pretty large plate of loaded fries. The fries looked yummy it was fresh bacon and shredded cheese melted on them and topped with scallions. Her wings were large chunks of cut breast meat. They were covered in bbq. You could tell that the sauce had been squirted on them and not tossed in them. I prefer mine to be tossed. Malachi got a Boom Boom shrimp plate. Malachi enjoys that Marc gives him the power to pick anything he may want to choose on the menu. He gets a bit more creative with his meal choices with that power. It was pretty clear instantly he was not a fan of his meal. He pulled off all the breading from his shrimp that had the boom boom sauce and only ate the shrimp from the middle. I picked at his fries as it was a huge portion that even with me helping he was unable to finish even half of them. Marc got himself a bucket of wings that were far spicier than he anticipated them being. I think they were along the lines of zest lickiers lol.  Upon finishing his first wing he said babe the menu did not justify the spiciness in these. I am going to need more blue cheese. I let a giggle as this isn’t the first time he has felt such a way about a wing choice of his. Our waitress, I never could seem to over look her uniform it was truly a issue for me. She never listened the the kids speak. In fact Clare had to ask for a box 3 times before being acknowledge and I still had to clarify what was being asked. Our server mixed up our drinks sitting them on the table and only realizing her mistake seeing the bubbles fizz from what should have been my water. We only tipped 20 percent because it was not the best service I have ever had. We tend to be pretty good tippers if service is on point. Even when it’s not still leave the 20%. Clare enjoyed her fries and that is truly what the trip was about. My pretzels were delicious but the very small cup of cheese I was given wasn’t nearly enough for 4 large pretzels.

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Why I no longer pick up the paint brush that brought me so much comfort.

Why I no longer pick up the paint brush that brought me so much comfort.

I was living in my Grandma Dee’s home. Pregnant with my first child, already thrown out of the father of my child’s home, and a teenager. My Grandmother had just remarried. She was living in a huge home in Three Oaks. Her and her husband opened their doors for me and I had a large room and a decent life. I rarely left my room outside of the daily trips to the post office to buy stamps and mail letters to my son’s father. I wrote him constantly during that pregnancy. I stayed in my room. I didn’t eat as I was sick the entire time. I drank milk by the gallons but I bought my own as I had food stamps and wic way back then. I coped with my life with painting those days. I had mass amounts of paints I would even volunteer at the thrift store up town for credits there for painting and crafting supplies. It was just my passion. No one in my life wanted me to keep my baby. I mean NO ONE.  Abortion, adoption, whatever the opinion was it was absolutely not me parenting. I was on my own. I was fine with that though I had made my peace with it. I was in every parenting class known to man earning points and things I needed for my baby. Allen had it all!!!! So there is no way I had ever even considered another option for him. One day I came home to my grandma in my room. I hadn’t been gone long just walked to the post office a few blocks up and back. When I got to the top of the stairs I could see her in my trash can. She was fumbling with the garbage from my painting mess and I wasn’t sure why. Entering the room startled her and she was irate in an instant. She was screaming ” I caught you!”. I honestly had not a clue what the hell she was talking about.” I knew you didn’t want him. You aborted that baby. Right here in my house.” Her screams were ludicrous to me. Has she been drinking? My grandma didn’t drink but I truly just had no idea what on earth was going on in the moment. Before I knew it she had slapped me and I pushed her back she tumbled and we both ended up on the ground. Me with her clear hand print on my face. She then called 911! “My granddaughter has given herself an abortion with a coat hanger. I stopped her and she pushed me down. ” Oh my God at this point i realize she is bat shit and I should go. I get to the front door and the officer is already there. Her hand print still very clear across my face. She flies down the stairs to give her story first. I sit myself down on the porch trying to not stress through my high risk pregnancy.  I had been on bed rest the entire time. I couldn’t eat much and lived off milk and carnation breakfast drinks. The officer came to me next. He was holding the hanger. It was evidence. I was baffled. I had to go to the hospital and prove my story. I could have pressed charges as grandma admitted being angry at my actions and hitting me. I at the hospital was told the stress made it time to induce and was set to deliver the very baby I was said to have aborted the very next day. I moved back home to never have a relationship with my grandma again. I have seen her a few times but never had a bond at all since. I do my best to avoid her. I can’t move on from it no matter how hard I try. The hanger was simply covered in the red paint I had used it to stir and unclog one of my paints. The exam in my head created an issue that lead to my preterm delivery being needed. My son being vacuumed for 36 mins.  I threw all my paint supplies away that day and never touched a paint brush again. 

The venom and lies he still spews.

The venom and lies he still spews.

There are places I am restricted from going over the lies he tells. My ex husband is angry very angry. He has been paying the minimum required support for a very long time. In fact he took me to court to have it lowered with a doctor’s note saying he could do minimal hours and work. At the time having claims that he was going to get disability and was unable to work and support his kids for medical reasons.  His base support the amount that came to the kids being set at 88$ for 4 minor children. I left that be even after and I mean just a few weeks after Keith started a union overtime often job. No biggie really as the kids aren’t going without at the time. Recently Keith and his wife moved to my town. I myself encouraged it. I was sick and I mean very sick I was desperate for help with the teens him and I shared and welcomed it. I used my truck and I helped his wife move things from her storage to their new house. I loaned cigarette and gas money when they first moved in. Not a substantial amount or anything just 7-`10 bucks here and there. I provided rides where needed I just tried to be supportive and helpful. His wife called his paycheck card in mine and the kids presence pretty regularly to the point where I knew what he was making. The kids and I had several conversations about how much money that was to have so little and to never do anything for them. When the kids bdays rolled around and they got nothing but fake broken promises. While he wife bragged of the purchases for her and her kids it became clear of their intentions. Occasionally if Keith was asked directly on payday before the money was cleared out and depending how and for what was asked he may help. He put $50 on the $380 class ring Allen got. I still never filed to raise anything. It seemed that the battle for asking for more support even if it were the right thing would be more than I was willing to take on. Then things got progressively worse. As he would buy from fundraisers and never give the money. He would put bday money in their hands then pull it back to say he had to hold it and spend it on another child and flaunt that. It was a very sad situation. The battle in my head to raise support was always there. In my state it’s done by a formula if the amount he was paying was the amount he was able to afford then it would be left. I asked Keith for help many times that summer. It was my sickest moments. I truly needed the help. That summer my girls rape by the brother living in Keith’s home came to light. That summer I stood and watched in fear as Keith dragged Malachi from the home. In a vicious fight between the two. A screaming match between a father and son like I had never seen in my life. I watched Keith foolishly spend money that I knew my children could clearly benefit from. Our eldest son getting into a college program was a milestone. I was desperate to get him his license, a car , and a cell phone. Keith promised him a phone, his truck, and to pay half the license cost with me. Sadly for my son that was all lies. I begged for the 50$ money order for the drivers ed for a long time. Allen given many excuses for the phone and why he didn’t have one. Meantime the son who had raped our daughters got a cell phone. I thought maybe for Keith that taking care of the kids he seen daily and were in his house seemed priority, I am sure he held his own anger to the lack of bond he had with his first born. I have truly and honestly tried to foster that. Allen is 16 now his opinion of his father is formed only Keith can change that. Keith made plans to take Allen shopping for shoes. I thought that was the coolest plan yet… that was over a year and a half ago Allen is still waiting.  Sometimes Keith can appear and be the dad they love. He doesn’t even have to put in much effort honestly they simple want his time. Sometimes it’s like he comes around to hurt them like he is hurting from them. I wish he’d leave the wife and other kids and home and just pick up the four and soak up the time before it’s not there to soak up. Allen will turn 18 in no time and he will break that tie completely as I have my father. I went to court after the incident with the shoes and the money order for drivers ed. I had no idea how high the support would increase. Over 109% increase. Now he is slandering me as a gold digger all over town. How I take all the money he needs to survive. I want so badly to say are you kidding !!!??? Do you remember when I left you your wife your kids and your 9 dogs into my home!!!!!!! DO YOU!!!??? Do you remember the groceries I brought to your shawnee trailer, your hills haven trailer!!!! I bought you clothes,blankets, coffee, cigs. I raise your CHILDREN!!!!!~! I just don’t get it. Like how can you be so dishonest do you really think that I take child support to hurt you!?! It’s not about you it’s not about me. It’s about the kids deserving to be supported. They deserve to have the same financial obligations by us both. I have not once not been there for something him and his family needed. When they themselves were on hard times and they had to complete a program for michigan works to get state aide it was me that took their kids for that entire week. Both kids. One that was not even keith’s and one that was from and affair in our marriage. I took their kids to church, to easter egg hunts, their first time feeding the ducks was with me, first time trick or treating was with me! I took your kids to water parks I included your kids in my family and in return your slandering my name. It’s like a slap to the face that I expected and still forgot to duck. I was unwelcome somewhere last week because I am a gold digging evil baby mama…… hmmm I just can’t see it in the dark he sees. I wish I could say that if he called I’d hang up, not help, tell him where to shove it…. but truthfully nothing would change for me. I will be supportive I will buy groceries if that means his kids see him or the coffee he needs to deal with them. The cigs he needs to chain smoke to entertain them. Ill do whatever because it’s what is best for my kids. My heart still hurts at how he sees this and me. It hurts that people who have never meet me are now passing such ill judgement upon me. I wonder if the money was worth the insults. I wonder if the money even has a thing to do with it or if they would still be there just the same.

Passing Around A Child

Passing Around A Child




Last night I went searching for the perfect picture to place on my blog. I wanted it to be from my younger years as that is what the blog was pertaining to at the time. As I went on my quest pulling out the photo albums I had just been given no more than a couple years prior it was almost instantly painful. Most of the pictures I have aren't with my parents. Most of my memories aren't either. There were pictures of me with my Aunt and Uncle who I believe I lived with for some time as a child. I remember being there often but the memory is vague to if I lived there or was just always there. As a single mom I know my mother was often at work and had not had time for me. I remember that I spent far less time with my aunt and uncle after they had finally been able to conceive on their own.  Conception was a struggle for them and I think I was there to fill the void until they finally succeeded. The pictures fade as do the memories after my cousin was born. I even remember holding antomocity to her because she was taking my place. I remember visits being far different for me after. I can't imagine the jealousy struggles I must have felt being so young. I have heard stories of how they wish they had kept me. How my life would have been different if they had. When I was handed the photo albums it was clear I was a bigger part of their life then I myself remember being. I remember living with my paternal grandma often. She had her own struggles with trying to put me into school. She was unable to do so since she had no legal rights to me. I had made the mistake of telling the office I had moved with her. It got me kicked out of school as I no longer resided in the district. It ultimately made me unable to stay with her. I had been there the entire summer before hand. I remember the tears that flowed when my grandma had to tell me she herself had to send me back too. Without being able to enroll me into a school she feared legal ramifications. I lived with another aunt as a teenager for a summer. The summer after I had been with my biological father. Man was a an unruly teen then. I burnt that bridge speaking of the christianity she held near to her heart in a manner unbecoming of my character. I am not sure what made me so unhappy their that I burnt the bridge. Maybe I just couldn't find my place. I remember I went to camp that summer thinking that I would return to be handed to the juvenile detention center as I was unwanted by basically everyone by then. I can't count how many times I found myself in the bed of a man simply because I felt there was nowhere else to go. I lived on a front porch at 16 years old with a boy named aaron pailing. He wasn't even the boy I was dating just my friends lover at the time. We crammed the three of us onto a twin sized mattress on an unheated porch in the middle of the winter. Never at any time did I feel I had an option to go home to my parent's. I never thought I was wanted by anyone anywhere. I was unlovable. After marrying my first husband we came to live in a duplex in stevensville. The other half of my home resided a women who had claimed to have lived with me as a toddler. She said her and my mother had been close friends back in those days. She often shared horrific stories of the big tears I would have in my baby blues. I tried hard to avoid those stories as I had no memory of her or her daughter or the days she tried to recollect with me. As a mother of 8 children I can't imagine letting my children feel as though coming home isn't an option. I can't imagine letting them feel like they were not wanted. My children can't burn a bridge with me and there is not a single thing that would make them as kids unable to come home. As their behavior is simply a reflection of my parenting is it not? My childhood pictures of me with my parents are scarce. I wish that I had more memories to understand why I was left to feel so passed around and unwanted. I wish I could figure out the flaws that made time with me so undesirable. At some point everyone passed me on.......


Family

Family

I have never seen family as a very positive experience. I don’t mean to make it sound harsh towards those I share blood with it is just I never could feel loved in the way I needed from them. I never have felt like a priority above all else and honestly I don’t think that the kids ever have either. ( outside of me and them having each other) That is just absolutely no longer the case. I feel like my time and presence is priceless. The kids feel valued. Not valued because they are my kids and some guy is trying to date their mom but valued as their own individual self’s. I feel supported and not judged at all. I can freely speak of anything and know I will absolutely still be loved after. The time the kids get is given with enthusiasm. I look forward to the bond growing. My heart rejoices knowing that they can feel apart of a family far bigger then my love alone was able to provide. I watch them interact and think this is how it was always suppose to be. I had held onto something so toxic for so long thinking it was “family”. The emotional, and physical abuse thick but I thought….. this …. this man is their dad. I hated growing up without a father and the one that I was given came far later in life. I wanted to fix anything even if it was broken beyond repair so I wasn’t the one taking the father away from them. I had never known what a real family would or should feel like. I was so focused on not letting the one there leave I hadn’t had time to look around. Now that it’s here in front of me. Ours to have and revel in I am soaking it up as a spoiled princess would. I spend time stepping back and just taking in the love showered upon my children. As he walks from a room to tell me he is going to hang out with one of the kids. Not bothered by me enjoying the alone time created when he does so. I don’t feel so confined. I feel trusted completely and supported. Emotionally I am far more stable in his presence. I try now to explain to my kids dad’s how much different I see things. How I see their love and how the kids do. It’s fallen on deaf ears of course. Malachi telling how his dad doesn’t want time with him he sits depressed unable to enjoy time with him. They are in the same room and the silence can’t be broken. To speak with cell phones in hands and looking up to nod without engaging. I can’t get across to them what they are missing. I can’t get through the selfish tendencies to explain what a wonderful love we are experiencing. I can’t get them to stop wanting to hate those loving us to see if they just took the time to do the same they would have the same love back. I can’t count how many times I went and tried to do whatever I was able to just get my parent’s attention and time. I see my kids doing the same and I sit and shake my head. As their father’s just can’t see it. My parent’s are missing so much and can’t see that either the actions they choose don’t feel like love to us or the lack of time given just makes us distance more. I wish I had a far better bound with my family but I look forward into the family being built before my very eyes. It’s a fire burning within the love I receive

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these days. It’s not like anything I have ever felt before.

House Hunting

House Hunting

If you had asked either of of 6 months ago if we thought we would be here the answer would have absolutely without a doubt been a No! I was simply bored and lonely searching craig list for my out. My exit strategy on my failing abusive relationship was all that was on my mind that evening. Somehow there his ad was. Searching for company as he was a lonely man. Six months later here we are searching for a home to blend our family. Realistically we have been living in to places for months now. I have a key to his as he has a key to mine. We plan dinners between the houses. I run like a mad woman making sure I accomplish all the housewifely duties in two places. I make sure that his laundry and dishes are done. I make sure the trash goes out to the can he takes the can out and I bring it back up. It’s really been quite the well oiled machine really. I wash the dishes he returns from work and puts them away. The thought of us being in one place is thrilling. The idea of us decorating and building our dreams together has me bursting at the seams. We have spent everyday looking at houses, discussing finances, talking of our future together. My heart just races knowing it is me he will come home to everyday after work. It’s me who will make sure his bed is made with his pj’s laid out. ( I do this now but only on the days we are at his place) I take so much pride in taking care of him. It brings me joy like noting else. His smile when he tells me how delicious my stuffing in my home made stuffed chicken is it lights me up from within. I can’t wait for our journey together. 3 years here before I will move us all to Colorado. I see forever in his eyes.

Love of a child.

The love of a child is pure. It’s the truest form of love there is. It’s that unconditional and without fault. My son doesn’t give his love out very easily. He isn’t much for sitting still. Not much for being to close if your not his mom and occasionally he can tolerate certain siblings enough to be close and cuddle. Tonight I had been laying in my spot curled up to the man of my dreams. I had something that needed tending to of course. Is that not how it always works in the life of a mother? When I came back Paytyn had climbed into my spot. He was curled up and hanging out. Oh my heart just wanted to burst. There it was the biggest sign ever. He had won the heart of the sweetest little boy I know. I had to grab my phone to capture the moment. I knew that there will be bad days to come and these pictures of that smile that perfect smile both had on their faces enjoying time together. they would bring me the joy I needed to get through. Paytyn is the best judge of character I know and he showed tonight that he approves. I can’t hold my eyes open to type even though I have a million things I’d love to say. My life is incredibly blessed.