Yesterday we had made plans to take our very own Clare Bear out to dinner. It was to be a celebration. You see my Clare Bear is my shy girl of the bunch. A social butterfly with her peers but often has trouble interacting with other adults or those she doesn’t know. Earlier in the week Clare had decided she really wanted to join a stem camp. In order to successfully join she would need paperwork filled out and a recommendation from a teacher. They would take a look at things like behavior and attendance and that recommendation when they made their choice as to which kids got into camp. It was a pretty big deal to Clare so we made sure it was to us too. I mean after all it’s a lot and I do mean a whole lot of work to get me to sign papers. Finding a pen, getting me to sit still to read and fill them out, it’s quite the task in itself. So that took her a couple of days to accomplish. I didn’t hear anything more about it in fact once my signature hit the paper. On Friday Clare and I went to check the mail and in it had a letter from the school address to her parent. She always gets nervous of letters like that even though never had even one been anything negative to fret. The letter was her acceptance into the stem camp! She was too excited as I was driving and let her open it. I got o watch her face light up as her excitement grew within throughout reading her letter. We whisked off to our weekend with Marc and upon sharing the news with him it was immediately decided we would celebrate with dinner sometime over the weekend. We tossed several dinner our ideas around in our head. Clare had a pretty clear choice of what she wanted to eat. The girl needed her some cheese fries! So cheese fries it was going to be. Marc decided that Quaker Steak and Lube would be a fun choice that would surely have cheese fries. Kalamazoo bound we were. It is about an hour drive from home to dinner. Upon arrival we were taken back instantly by all there was to see. There were cars and motorcycles hanging from the ceiling. It had the appearance of a garage or a mechanic shop. We were seated in a both in a room that was to be the corvette room. In actuality it did have several things that were misplaced to that theme though. Marc was able to quickly point them out. There was a picture of a Porsche and a Ferrari both on the Corvette wall. It was kind of fun picking out the things that were out of place. They had some really awesome stuff to look at while you waited. Our waitress was dressed in all black. Her top had a neck piece that just didn’t look right. It resembled a turtle neck that had maybe been a bit stretched out. It didn’t have a professional appearance at all. It caught my eye as being off each time she had come to the table in fact. The other servers had Lube shirts that were clearly uniforms. Those had the garage look that I believe they were trying to obtain. The menu was as I expected wings, chicken strips, burgers, and of course the loaded fries our Clare Bear had requested. I myself didn’t think I was up for much food. I picked a appetizers of just 4 pretzels and beer cheese. We had gotten two orders of these one for all of us to try and have together and one as my meal. Clare got herself a combo deal giving her 5 boneless wings and a pretty large plate of loaded fries. The fries looked yummy it was fresh bacon and shredded cheese melted on them and topped with scallions. Her wings were large chunks of cut breast meat. They were covered in bbq. You could tell that the sauce had been squirted on them and not tossed in them. I prefer mine to be tossed. Malachi got a Boom Boom shrimp plate. Malachi enjoys that Marc gives him the power to pick anything he may want to choose on the menu. He gets a bit more creative with his meal choices with that power. It was pretty clear instantly he was not a fan of his meal. He pulled off all the breading from his shrimp that had the boom boom sauce and only ate the shrimp from the middle. I picked at his fries as it was a huge portion that even with me helping he was unable to finish even half of them. Marc got himself a bucket of wings that were far spicier than he anticipated them being. I think they were along the lines of zest lickiers lol. Upon finishing his first wing he said babe the menu did not justify the spiciness in these. I am going to need more blue cheese. I let a giggle as this isn’t the first time he has felt such a way about a wing choice of his. Our waitress, I never could seem to over look her uniform it was truly a issue for me. She never listened the the kids speak. In fact Clare had to ask for a box 3 times before being acknowledge and I still had to clarify what was being asked. Our server mixed up our drinks sitting them on the table and only realizing her mistake seeing the bubbles fizz from what should have been my water. We only tipped 20 percent because it was not the best service I have ever had. We tend to be pretty good tippers if service is on point. Even when it’s not still leave the 20%. Clare enjoyed her fries and that is truly what the trip was about. My pretzels were delicious but the very small cup of cheese I was given wasn’t nearly enough for 4 large pretzels.
Today I had every intention of making Marc jambalaya for dinner. He had stated he had never eaten it before and I was in the mood for some spicy goodness. Then the day began to play out and after my 3 pm cat nap I had no desire to cook at all. I put the meat back in the fridge and shoot a text to my love. I had asked him if I could meet at his house and us go enjoy and outside dinner by the beach at one of my favorite restaurants! It was a restaurant I myself have had the privilege of cooking in. He of course appeased my request. I knew that he would he is always making my needs his priority the amazing man he is. My dinner choice was Tim’s Too! It’s an asian fusion grill. The set up is similar to a buffet experience. Your given a bowl to cram full of noodles and fresh cut veggies. You top that with any amazing homemade sauce of your choosing. Then at the end you will locate a second smaller portion size bowl to fill with meats. You then take your bowl to the end of the counter to watch it be cooked in front of you on a flat top. It’s served with flatbread and rice. The flat bread is absolutely my favorite part of the entire meal. We ate at the tables outside right in front of the restaurant which is located just above the St Joe bluff. Our entire meal was cooked to perfection. I was greeting upon entry with a big hug from the owners son. I received just as warm of a welcome from all of the servers and cook. Throughout our meal the temperature remained perfect for me. I was a bit worried as I had worn a dress that was cut above the knee. I had a shall on that kept me cozy. After finishing up I did get a bit of goosebumps down my legs but it was as we were leaving. Marc drove us down to see the water and all the goings on at the beach. It was the perfect evening. I ate almost my entire bowl of food without feeling sick even one time. What an accomplishment. My new medication is really providing me some fantastic relief.
So I didn’t tell dinner from my side and my actions just as I seen my kids doing. Truthfully my side should be told as well. See when we sat down I already was full of worry. I kinda always am with food. The menus before me seem overwhelming. I am starved staring at the choices. I probably haven’t taken a days worth of calories all week long. I am beyond starved as half those calories I vomit back up. Even when I tell people I am doing okay holding it down I am not!!!! So in my mind I am playing okay what do I want that I’ll be okay possibly puking in 5 mins. I am searching for the bathroom doors and wondering how many people maybe inside it if I have to go hug the porcelain God. I also have to worry about the daughter who is struggling with the font and reading the words on the menu and feeling overwhelmed and a son that is trying to experience all he can from his meal. I grabbed his leg before deciding I was going to get my favorite exactly how I enjoyed eating it. I order my nachos with nothing but meat and cheese. So when you order mexican and you leave out all of the rabbit food let me just tell you how skimpy the portion then becomes. So I add extra of both meat and cheese. I swallow hard looking back at Marc. He smiles the reassurance I need but he has no idea he is even giving. Again he is perfect so most of the amazing things he does require no effort at all. His smile always warms me from the inside. Soon I see people walk in that I know… Memories that aren’t to fond. Ones I still want to share with him though. I know he hates negative stuff and maybe I shouldn’t always share them when they come up like that but he held me and let me cuddle him to pieces after and you know once he told me that the people I knew went to the back room I never thought about it again throughout dinner. I had gotten out he parts I needed to say and he had given me the comfort and listening ear I needed and then we just moved on. I seen them again when going to the rest room but felt nothing as I had when they walked in. It was just another person in the restaurant was all. Food arrived and I want to hoover it. My doctor apt was the afternoon before going to dinner and this is something I had just been told not to do. My tummy would need time eat very slowly. So I am eat time telling myself chew slowly as I eat. Still very focused on getting it in my belly! I eat about half my small portion. Not very small though if you ask me. Then I start to feel very full and cramping begins. My guilt is already setting in. My meal was expensive how can I not finish it. I had FORCED HIM to PAY EXTRA for my extra meat and cheese and now I was leaving some of that on the plate. I surely hadn’t forced him at all but in my head that is exactly what I am thinking. The waitress comes to take everyone’s plate. I make sure I am still picking from mine when she does so she makes no attempt to take it. I simply can’t leave not finishing this plate. Now she brings the check. Oh no I have to see what it’s charged him for this. I have to resist grabbing the check as I know he feels better paying for dinner. It gives him pride in himself and I don’t want to take that from him. ( we’ve had these talks many times about dinner is his job to buy for.) So I wait for him to grab it and flip it and get out his card. He has established now that he is paying. Okay, it’s safe to slide it to me and look at it. One dollar and seventy five cents extra is what the fee was. Back to picking the toppings from the chips now. Gorging myself and starting to really cramp. I wonder had I stopped when I knew I should if I could have prevented getting sick. I picked and picked until he said he was ready and rescued me from my plate, from my own head. I got up and knew I was going to get sick. I have practiced how to get sick as quietly as I can now. If I said nothing no one would know. No one did. I rinse my mouth in the sink a million times because now my purse contents are missing and I am not protected with the mouth wash it would normally carry. My battle armor is gone. 🙁 I come out to find he waited for me before going into restroom his self so I would not think he had gone to the car. The sweetest gesture of course made my head worry. He had been waiting do you think he knew I was getting sick? Did I take so long it’s noticeable? He wraps his arm around me kissing my forehead and we leave the building. The food was delicious he was not worried about my dollar seventy five one bit and he later raved of the time he had with us. I wish I could worry just a bit less. HE loves me. I wonder if I will spend my life reminding myself of that or if one day I will let all of these foolish worries go. All the pain from that past one day might just stop crashing through. Before writing this blog I created it in my head while shedding the tears it deserved and coloring my pain away. I often play a blog post in my head before typing but I never reread them I type freely. This is the page I am working on. In the coloring book that was here waiting for me when I arrived home for the weekend.
I have generally lead a submissive life. I haven’t shared much of that with Marc. I find it spilling over and him giggling at me for things he has no idea the underlyings of. Things like dinner being done and on the table when he gets off of work. Since I was 16 years old it was a requirement. To have dinner on the table by 5 is what it was mostly (6 is Marc’s time to arrive from work). Keith didn’t give much room for error. It wasn’t always beatings and his mom visiting with pain meds after. Sometimes the punishment was simply being made to sleep on the carpeted floor of a room alone in a dark isolation. Where we lived I was very isolated from the world. This tiny trailer in the middle of no where. I think the closet corner store was at least 12 miles. Even though his attention mostly negative I still craved it upon his arrival because it was far better than none at all. I carried that on relationship after relationship some more strict with the rules. I always worked so hard at dinner on the table when they walked through the door. I wanted to leave that life behind. I bought freedom right? So why is it that I spend 10 mins texting that dinner will be late ( it’s never late more then 10 mins after him walking through the door) before he arrives. Then a few more when he gets here. My stomach already upset all the time now it’s turning at my failure to have his meal ready. The stress from the day…. the disappointment….I now have this gut wrenching feeling he will be angry at me…. Here is the thing the man NEVER gets angry with me and I KNOW this. He walks in and giggles when I say it’s got 3 mins till finished and apologize. He constantly reminds me it is just fine to be late since he is not ever use to eating at such a early time in the first place. Yet I sometimes want to cry I feel so badly for not having it ready. He laughs that he is the first person I feed. That we get his plate and utensils and everyone falls in line behind him to make plates. He doesn’t think this is necessary either. I wonder if my past will continue to taunt me ….. I have no reason to worry of the time dinner but it’s been 6 months of the constant it’s okay reminders and I feel no better when it’s not completed. I love to cook but if I can not time it for that food to be ready upon him walking in my chest feels heavy and I feel sad. INSTANTLY! UGH
After a couple of days of really having some awful tummy pain I had gone to the doctor and got new meds. I then got them actually filled. You’d be surprised how often I get meds and never seem to take the time to even fill or try them. I know that seems silly how can I get better but most of the meds make me feel worse. Some have this effect to my brain I swear clouds things makes me feel less in control of my emotions so at some point I begun to avoid them. Mr. Amazing has kinda been on me about taking them and taking them accurately. With claims of how can I possible debunk meds that I didn’t take correctly or completely. So he is pretty much always right and I go pick up my meds. I took the high road this time as normally I rather enjoy arguing with him and being stubborn. He makes me laugh when I do. It’s rather playful. So anyway meds make me feel good pretty instantly really I’d say within 30 mins. So I feel a high like I am on top of the world. I also get sooooo hungry I thought I could eat at a buffet for hours and hours. Marc decides we shall go applebees. They have these yummy warm pretzels that I just love. Upon arriving I notice that the parking lot is incredibly packed. There are people parking in ways and places that don’t really exist. We were seated right away. In a booth directly next to a large group and directly in front of my friend from high school and her two young kids. The large group next to us being the rudest people I had ever ever seen. I was completely applaud. They demanded refunded on a appetizer having no knowledge it was going to be so expensive? It’s clearly priced on the menu! They called their server a bitch extremely loud repeatedly. They were yelling at each other and the waitress with a mouth full of food. Laughing of how they would not tip even if they had felt that they had good service. The manager was called over the wings. A man in his 40’s scruffy and stress ridden came to the table. He listened, apologized and took it from the bill. Then each person at the 9 person table demanded to go cups and refills for free. Spending time allowing their children to now hop from one table to another. 3 tables in total did they hop to spitting and sloshing their drinks around. I could barely focus on my own conversations at the table because it was hard to hear over the roar from their table. The table had been seated eating apps when we arrived. Our food wait incredibly long 2 hour went by before we walked out and the table of animals had only left just 8 mins before us. The waitress then had to bus the table she received no tip from. I reach out with the only thing I have to offer her. “I hope your day gets better” kind words from my heart. I knew she was looking for a okay to vent and that was it. She poured out with the 33 cents she had earned in two hours of work. Her complete frustration in the customers and establishment and I just let her. Offered my apologies and a smile. When we sat I had told my hunny I was glad we hadn’t gotten her for a waitress though in fact she always is there when I come and I always have the same hope. I judged her the first experience there in fact. I hadn’t had her wait on me then either. I am a people watcher and I watched her. She never had much of a smile and her hair was always a bit untamed. Her shirt untucked and looked very frumpy. Last night watching her with her tables I seen much more. I wish I had reached out a bit more maybe helped clear the table or gave her some more kind words I am not sure. I left feeling I hadn’t done enough to make her day better. I can’t imagine being at work and being cursed at in such a way and having to continue the job knowing you will make nothing from it. I mean in most cases you can bite your tongue knowing your making $$ to do so. She very clearly heard that she wouldn’t receive a tip or compensation very early on and 2 more hours she continued to work for free. Not with much of a smile but she still eagerly did as asked. They ran her ragged. My heart hurts for the way we treat people in society and the judgments we make. I will try harder to be more understand of the next frumpy waitress I see.