What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Okay so I’m just going to rant. Fully aware that they can see this but I really have nothing to hide. Why we all even hide how we feel for the sake of others is beside me. I mean holding it in is only self damaging. So today I have my ex husband and his wife come over. No big deal it’s become quite regular. But once again they stand in my kitchen talking about how my son wants to move there and how I won’t let him. First off of course he wants to live there. He has very few restrictions there. Very few times does he even have to clean up after himself. He is allowed to fish ride the new bike that was given him and play video games as he pleases. He is taught no responsibility he isn’t forced to read or study for 30 mins as he is here. HE has missing assignments already because he isn’t being accountable and he is being rewarded for it all.

 

As we are standing outside here comes the transportation dept. Asking where the kids get off the bus at.. There is conservatory because of the weds. getting off at the trailer park to go to church. The school will not provide transportion for church. So Keith then chimes in with for his kids it’s really for his visitation!! ??? I look at him in shock since not once has that ever been stated at all. Not one time has he asked for them to be there on weds. 5-8 . He isn’t even home during that time. I went to them and asked if they could ride the bus there for church period not for any other reason at all. I mean yes i mentioned that was his visitation time so if he could help me out and just get them on the bus i appreciate it but this was week one of that. I came into the trailer park with kids with hickee’s kids who had skipped going to church to run the streets and home work that did not get completed. In fact no one even had really a clue knowledge to where the kids where. I was so frustrated. Honestly im still hot about it I am shaking. First off that they told me that the kids couldn’t go on a bus just for church as though church wasn’t of much value. Keith for acting as though he has been having “visitation” instead of the actual facts.

I can’t really believe that another mother can continue to discuss my child moving when they have been involved very little.  If the tables were turned. If this were her child’s dad’s significant other providing a fun environment and then saying your child wants to be at our house let her move. She would see it very differently.

 

I think I have decided now since I am able to be home everyday my kids will stay home during the week days. They need to be reading and studying and be consistent. Not to mention the bites are getting pretty bad too. Im sure I’ll be the bad guy for this too but this is just not working out so well. And Im always going to do what is best for mine.

I genuinely get lots of satisfaction from pleasing others. I love to be helpful and I am truly a giver. It’s in my nature. That results in me constantly having others live with me. Giving a home to those in need. I often have many extra children around. It brings my heart joy to help. Truth is my anxiety goes crazy when I don’t help.. Lately Ive been able to do less for others. In return Im the victim now of many harsh words. Cause ppl don’t like to not be helped when they feel they are entitled to it. It’s a sad world that ppl come to expect hand outs. When they aren’t there they feel resentment.

Trying to now balance getting better and my household is difficult. I am at the point where putting my family first is the only priority. I feel like I have become a door mat. That things are no longer hoped for but expected. I make rules and boundaries for my home and they aren’t even acknowledged. I struggle to put food on the table because others find it so easy to walk in and help themselves. For a long time I have always allowed an open door policy for anyone under 18. There has never been a child I have turned away. In fact over the summer I had a child sneak in my home money turn up missing and my rules totally broken. That same child now calls me mom and visits and spends the night often. THERE ARE NO BAD KIDS. As I have started to limit who comes over now I am being shamed as a bad person. It breaks my heart to know that ppl I have done so much for now can become so angry when I am drawing a line. I can’t afford to feed extra kids while paying for chemo. I do NOT receive any state aide, I am not employed outside of the home anymore, things that weren’t serious before that I could just figure out. Aren’t so simple these days. I am worried for my own kids in the future and what it holds for them. To be disappointed in what I can’t do now after Ive done my best for so long is a slap in the face.

Stress is a huge part of my bad days. Stress, chaos, instability, are also a HUGE part of Paytyn’s bad days. I need to be the best mother to my own before I can mother anyone else. I feel for everyone’s struggle I really do. I actually have people making comments now that I put others children above my own. I can’t be angry since it’s a factual statement. I have made my children give up and angry and uncomfortable to help others. That is not right and it’s not something I can continue. Visit’s from anyone at ten pm on a school night is absolutely not acceptable. Asking if a child can spend the night in the middle of the night on a school night again unacceptable. These are things that aren’t going to continue. I have a feeling I am going to lose a lot of friends.

In no way do I love any of my extra children any less!!! God they are my blessings that I have been so grateful for always. I need to bring my family strength right now. I need to spend all my time with them. I need calm and stress free. And I need to save money and can’t afford any extra burden. I need to beat cancer. I need to watch all 7 graduate.

It’s amazing to me what shutting off my cell phone creates. How many ppl depend on me or what will come from someone’s mouth when I don’t make the time for them they feel they are entitled too. This is day two of me pretty much keeping my cell phone off. Been cussed out numerous times over it. The things ppl even think I’d be doing because I don’t respond in the five allotted secs. When did having a cell phone become this………… Because I have a phone it should be in my hand at all times….. I just should revolve life around it???????????? There really isn’t anyone I’d like to talk to these days. Ive been doing pretty amazing at pushing ppl away. Less stress this way that is for sure. I think im going to go back to not having a cell phone. I have no purpose for it.

I let go of the one who meant the most to me today. He isn’t who I thought he was. Or maybe he is and he lost his way. Hoping he finds it soon. But by then I may be too far gone.

Today has been a trying day. I had everything planned to be kid free to medicate myself and rest. Seriously I just needed that. So I had planned out for the kids to go to Amanda’s ( My 1st husband’s new wife ) from there the church bus would pick them up to go to a bible class tonight. Where they love going and personally I think it’s great for them. I don’t force but I do encourage it.

That entire plan of course epic-ally failed. Seems to just be the way things are these days. Hailey got into a fight with her father over her best friend. He doesn’t feel that the best friend is the influence he wants for her. He of course not being a constant in her life is having a hard time expressing positively to her his point of view. Being 13 she feels like he is ruining her life. In fact I believe those words flowed from her mouth several times today. If I’m being real I know that 5 yrs ago hearing her say she never wanted to seem him and his wife again would have gave me a great deal of pleasure. These day’s it’s painful. I hope they bridge their gap and mend the relationship. I have been saying many prayers that my kids can forgive their father for not being what they needed him to be. I am not calling his parenting out my any means. I have no right to judge. I asked Allen again if he wanted to visit his dad reminding him of his statement that if his dad was closer he would visit more. I was hoping he would enjoy getting out of the house. Nope he said I wanted him to move next door then I’d visit. I feel so torn I want to promote a healthy relationship but I do enjoy my kids time with me. It’s so precious.

Outside of that I am starting to be more assertive with this is my home and my rules. As I notice many of the “friends” I have can be over bearing and try to impose.

When I say cancer has effected everything in my life I mean that. My kids dad’s that aren’t incarcerated have all finally moved closer. Actually all within 2 miles of my house. Something I have literally always wanted. They are trying to be involved.  But I hold resentment for them not being there all this time. And if im being real and raw I fear that if I get sicker thru chemo instead of having my back they might take the opportunity to take my kids from me. I find it hard to allow them to help to allow them time and not feel totally threatened myself. My only reason for fighting is them. Without them ………I mean I can’t even imagine. My first husband’s wife I absolutely know she means well. But every time a statement about my kids living there or my kids staying. I feel is an attack. Although I can tell how far we have all come because ten years ago the very moment I felt that way I would have went back to following court order making things more difficult. Flaunting that power even. ( he has done the same thing when rolls were reversed. ) Instead I went to my ex husband I explained to him that I felt attacked like she wanted to take them. He explained it wasn’t meant that way and once again I knew from the beginning it wasn’t but it still didn’t make me not have those feelings. Knowing you could have fewer days sure makes you more territorial over them. Moving forward what is best for my kids is to keep communication open. And I am glad we are all able to do that. I still have lots of anger toward keith and even maybe some towards his wife. But I am sure that they have that towards me as well. I am trying my best to let it go. To know we all have made mistakes and move forward as a family all of us. Because that is what all the kids need. They all love each other the halfs, steps, and even the few in between that have no legal family tie. They all still feel like siblings and love each others as so. Nothing good will come from me holding on to the past or living in fear. One day at a time.

Today directly after my doctor apt was Paytyn’s. Since summer Paytyn has had extreme behavior changes. Anyone meeting Paytyn prior would know him as an extreme mommies boy who was quiet except when it came to marine life. Very sweet and polite and always saying oh my goodness. That is however not the case now. He has such little control over any emotion. His behavior is uncontrollable at most times.

So today was his well child apt. Paytyn’s pediatrician and I are very close as you can imagine him being all 7 kids doctor for the last 15 years and I partnered with him on countless studies. So as we are discussing Paytyn’s behavior and him starting school. He thought it boiled down to the cancer as well. Because the moment I found out my own emotions changed and Paytyn as close to me as he is felt that. It also is when things have become chaos again. As I am the glue for my family when I am in turmoil they all are. He absolutely didn’t think he had any autism or adhd. I was so very relieved and so very guilty at the same time. I am the reason my son is struggling. Get it together for petes sake I keep telling myself. It’s so easy to see to know what I need to done but acting is another entire obstacle that is far from easy.

 

I am of course laying in bed regretting every poor decision I made today. I keep pushing away those I should be allowing support me in this time. I have been growing closer to all the kids dad’s though. Truth is if I go the only way I’ll get them to save my memory with my children and respect how I’m raising them is to regain those bonds. My only focus is my children. I have time for nothing else and I can’t even begin to justify finding time for anyone or anything else. I have forgotten how to stop the tears.

Tonight I started the process for my will stating I wish to have as little money spent as possible fearing if i go before my kids college is paid for who will figure that out. I sure don’t want to take a dime from them putting me in the ground.

What happen’s to Aj if i go……. I don’t even have the answers……………….

I almost forgot though before leaving the apt. Dr Hines prayed with me and Paytyn for my cancer and for his behavior. I was super touched. Meant so much love that doctor to pieces.

ebdfa2058f485f2c9858286b25f65220I went to my apt. today so many results it was so intimidating. Tumour 7x9cm on cervix & down into vagina, not in bowel but “against” bladder (no probs with either motion lol). Spread to pelviv nodes & x1 para-aortic node. There’s a wee 3mm “node” on a lung so I’m to have a CT to clarify that. I starred at the doctor with the blankest star…. He says are you still with me Danielle???? Yes, still here… Most days I feel fine, I look fine and my chemo starts on the 20th sept for 3-4 sessions (carboplatin & taxol) followed by chemo-radio. I have bad days where my leg pain is so extreme walking is a huge chore but again most days I am so normal I find it easy to forget I have cancer. When you hear the words from your doctor’s mouth say 32% chance survival rate for 5 yrs. Something inside goes empty. Processing this all has just been so much. The biggest fear is not being able to care for my kids. Or someone trying to take them from me. I can’t help I have cancer. I have become such an amazing mother…. Now I sit in fear that I can lose it all again. FOR FUCKS SAKE WHY MUST THERE BE CANCER!!!!! AHHHHH

What a horrible morning it has already been. My pain level is through the roof. Im off to my doctor in a moment to find out what feels like my fate. The amount of time I may have left. God I hate cancer. Who ever thought that at 32 years old I would be facing such a scary battle. And if I keep going at this rate Ill be battling alone. I just keep pushing everyone further.

Waking up this morning with the absolute worst head cold imaginable. I realized there was so much to do this week that today was the day I had to get groceries and go pay the electric bill. I dragged myself from bed. Stayed in my pj’s since it was clear I was lacking the energy it would take to put on real life clothes. I did manage to fandangle a bra on but I wasn’t very thrilled doing so. Once in the van I debated how closely did I really need to stick to my budget because going to just one store local in my town would have been so much easier.

Days like today I feel totally defeated. As I lay in my bed completely sick and wishing I could just close my eyes for a moment. I can not however since I just severely angered my 14 year old son telling him he could not watch youtube. His 5 yr old brother looks up to him and stands at his side all day long. He is taking in everything Allen does and the youtube just isn’t appropriate. Telling that to a 14 yr old got me no where at all though.

I managed to spend 12 dollars shy of my monthly grocery budget of just 100 dollars. So I have money now for milk during the month. Sad how excited I get to come under budget. I do an incredible job at keeping under budget and stretching food and a dollar. But it is completely exhausting to constantly have to worry about. In my head throughout the day I am wondering how much toilet paper is being used and making sure I get the bottles of soap out of the shower before the younger kids get in and turn it into bubbles. Because you never realize how much that stuff adds up until you have a family my size. The worry is constant. I never stop worrying about things in my control out of my control things that are way into the future or just a moment away. Worry is ever present in my life.

 

 

Paytyn is my youngest child. My very last baby. Before Paytyn I had placed Luke up for adoption with really no interest in having any more children. I choose adoption because I had already been stretched so thin. I got a tubal and got the clamps placed on my tubes so I could no longer bare children. Or so I thought. Then on New years eve I get sick. Extremely sick couldn’t hold anything down. I went to the emergency room. I really thought it was my appendix. Sitting on that hospital bed with my best friend and my husband waiting for the answers. I never in a million years had guessed that the answer I would receive was that I was pregnant. Apparently my claps had come lose when the swelling went down.

I really can’t even begin to describe the emotions I was plagued with in that moment. I had just chosen adoption Luke’s paperwork was final just a few short months prior.  The entire pregnancy was extremely emotional. I spent much of my time crying. My family was in no position for another child. Our home had a fuel oil tank bust in the basement. It leaked 250 gals and the home was condemned. We were temp. in a two bedroom trailer almost an hour and a half from any family.

I briefly considered placing Paytyn with Luke. Emotionally I was just unable to go through it again. From the moment Paytyn was born I gave him my all. All my time all my energy everything I had. He was at my side always took him to work often. Paytyn and I would talk about everything all day. He is extremely intelligent and can hold very long conversations. Unlike my other children Paytyn never went to a sitter. The guilt was so heavy that I had given up Luke and kept Paytyn.

Paytyn is now 5 and has started school this year. He is not doing well at all. He can’t follow directions or sit still. He doesn’t handle authority at all. He can’t seem to control his emotions. It’s an everyday struggle. Some say he has autism. Some say it’s because my home isn’t structured as they think it should be. Because I often home others and their children when they are on tough times. Things are said I spoiled him to much. He does listen to me I can talk him down in every emotional situation. He will only show me affection when it comes to others he can be stand offish. He will often tell his dad that he doesn’t even need a dad. He will hug grandparents as he sees the others. He is super close with his 14 yr old brother and often you will find the two snuggled on the couch. He doesn’t like to leave home to much even a visit with me to a friends house within moment he will ask to go home.

I feel like I am failing him. Or that I already have. pay.jpg