What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

It’s funny how many times I blog in my head that just never makes it here anymore. Those long back road drives when I am all alone radio up and thoughts running wild in my head. I piece them together into these fabulous blog’s. But never do I return home and type it now.

For a long time I didn’t think of who was on the other side reading. I wrote for myself and not really anything else. It was about the dollar, or the advice. Just simply me writing out these confusing emotions and ramblings. Therapeutic and relaxing it was to get those thoughts and feelings out. Then I started hearing back from those readers. Ones in my family and circle. Guarded am I now as to what I am willing to allow others to see.

Here it is now just one month from the move in date for my oldest daughter. Off to this new world of college. More prepared than I ever was when I went out on my own. With this clear knowledge that she can come home anytime. In fact teasing that she gets two houses now.

There isn’t a single thing I can think of she doesn’t have. Taking care of her is my reason for being. Excited for this journey and so terribly sad to see her go. Looking back at every mistake I ever made. Sending text stating every time I raised my voice was my issue not hers. My kids can’t soar away without me making sure they know they are perfection in every way.

No idea how to let her go. Keeping her at a school close by helps ease the band aide off. Thinking of not being apart of her everyday decisions feels lonely. My best friend.

Looking forward to the shift where she makes her path and I follow her guidance. Lifting her up in every chance I get. Supporting her how she shows me she needs. The transition is here. She is an adult. I raised her to be so perfect there is no worry in what path she will take. It will be the perfect fit for her to take her steps on.

I was so nervous anticipating the graduation I forgot to enjoy it when the day arrived. The flood gates of emotions poured in as family flooded my yard. Hailey’s father the only one not willing to stay and support her. He made a b line for the door just as fast as he arrived.

Nothing went as planned with the day. The photo’s barely taken. Guestbook hardly signed. One word of wisdom hit the box. I wanted so badly to give her all of these keepsakes and memories but none of that happened. It was like being in a yard full of strangers for me. I felt no connection to any of them.

Smiling through was much easier than I expected. My only desire was to make sure my child wore a smile and felt loved. That was happening and nothing else mattered at all. It all happened super fast. As quickly as everyone came they all went. Hailey didn’t have many friends show for her. But many family members did come.

I took on the world it felt like for that party. Making sure nothing for it came from the family budget. Taking on Hailey’s tuition, her entire wish list, and her endless party wants on my shoulders alone. Not that I had too it’s just hard to share the burden of parenting when you have only ever known doing it on your own. I didn’t want to burden Marc by putting anything on our budget or from his income. I needed to be over the top for my kid. Fulfilling my needs without taking from others was all I thought of. I succeeded at that. The party had everything Hailey had desired and it didn’t put a burden on anyone but me. Empowering to think I can pull of whatever I think the kids desire.

At the party my family felt like total strangers. When I had my aunt come up and tell me how she thanked Marc for taking on such a huge feat of me and the kids. My mind went straight to wow… They think he did us a favor…. They have no idea we are a prize. Taking on 7 kids isn’t just some huge undertaking. It’s a huge blessing!!!! We are just as much of a prize. We bring so much to the table me and the kids. We are not some burden someone is taking on. That statement rings in my head still. Coming right after some apology from however she may have made me feel over the years.

I wanted to scream NO!!!! There is not a medal to give for taken on me and the kids. Strong and determined I wanted to stand up for myself and say can’t you see how the hell you made me think that we were a burden and I would be lucky to find any man so just settle for the one willing to take you on. I stayed in so much abuse with that mindset. Any apology was washed away directly. I swallowed everything said. Smiled and quickly moved away. Facts are I still have no voice.

Later I cried to Marc that I wish they had seen us as the prize for him. That they had seen him as the lucky ones for gaining all of us as a family. He held me while I just cried. I wanted a perfect day for my daughter and in her mind it absolutely was. But for me it’s just the same. I don’t fit the family I was given. They see me as nothing more than a burden that they are grateful if anyone but them takes on.

No one in my family has a clue the asset I am. Does that even matter though? Cause I call the shots on when they are around so I can chose not to hear or feel this shit right? I don’t miss out on anything by them being blind…. I created the family the kids and I needed. We are supported and loved and it matters none that those doing it are not blood related. I clearly know what me and the kids bring to the table. It’s clear to me how I have improved Marc’s life just as he has ours. We are great for each other. Lifting up and matching our love and dedication in each other.

I think that the graduation was what Hailey needed, But me as well. It was the closing of the door on me having any relationship with family. It’s never going to be the healthy relationship I need and therefore it will always need to be at a distance for me. For me I just can’t see a reason to keep anyone in my life who doesn’t see my worth. I can’t grow if I surround myself by those wanting to hold me down.

I’ll just be completely honest. Hailey wanting a party with my family present sent chills down my spine instantly. I knew she was setting herself up for failure. How could I protect her when they let her down for this was the only thing replaying in my mind a million times over.

Yesterday, my fears proved true. After this past month of Hailey hearing so many times how she had been kept from family and that is why she was lacking their presence. Thinking that there was no way that after all that they would then not show to her party I didn’t start reaching out till the night before the party. For that I alone am at fault. Could have better prepared had I sooner reached.

Of course many family didn’t respond at all to my pleas with are you coming. One did. First to say… I got a Facebook notice it was canceled. ( the Facebook event is still present all over Facebook and hailey has a million statues to the tone of the party countdown) Not to drag out I just say okay messaged received. Of course then to get ?? back….. Now I have no choice but to engage. Politely just say I am just getting confirmation to who is coming. Nothing was canceled and the personal invitations were mailed…. So not sure how Facebook would even come into play… Then the story changes. Now it’s because cannabis isn’t prohibited that family is unable to be in attendance. Everyone being entitled to there own opinions…. that would be fine. Except didn’t you just say you weren’t coming due to our error sending a facebook cancel???? Why would it have mattered if you would have refused to come anyway? Any chance you reached out to yoiur granddaughter and made other arrangements to see or be with her? Send her a card maybe? Nah…. cause reality is she isn’t worth your time.

Also anyone ever give us the option to not be present at a party because alcohol was involved? Let us known in advance that ppl would be intoxicated fouls? We politely added we are cannabis friendly. It’s an outside event. Not a smoking event but one where it’s not prohibited if your legal age to consume. However alcohol will be prohibited. Because my kid simply isn’t a fan of drunk or intoxicated people but doesn’t much mind stoned ones…. Cannabis was the excuse when the first wasn’t working out. My kids are only ever worth some bullshit excuse.

Of course it will be played off as I threw a pot fest and then a fit when no one wanted to be there for that. Of course no one will mention how they poorly address every fucking thing. How they can’t just politely say I am unable to attend but look forward to making time for my grandchild. I mean seriously it’s not that hard. How the fuck you post to the book or your parents post some I miss the kids shit… Some I never see them anymore and then can’t even learn how to respectfully decline when included.

They say how I replaced them… OR how I distance…. shit I say they lie! I say I invited these people more times than I can count and they turned up their noses… They couldn’t make time… They can’t be bothered by us lower class. Too bad why they weren’t watching I made a life for me and mine. It’s us above them now. Looking down and knowing we have no guilt for cutting the toxic out of our lives. We have done our part to be present and no longer must we put ourselves through that. Family is what you make it. Nothing was replaced it was built from the ground up!

I hope those who do show to my home today do it with a open heart. That they truly are here for my kid. For mending broken hearts and healing. For love and for family…. Cause I will accept nothing less. Knowing mine and my kids worth is a power that can’t be taken from me. Cheers to the day and my mental health throughout it.

It’s been such a long month! Like seriously so long. Emotionally it’s felt as though I was on the biggest and boldest rollercoaster known to man. Hailey graduated. She did it. Her being her mother’s child and all. She wants so badly to show her family her accomplishments and feel their pride. Longing to be loved and longing for a big family. Sometimes the sibling and I just can’t fill what she needs.

So of course we are all in on supporting her bringing all her family together to beam over her. This week we heard… well she did… I was pretty clear with her upfront I’d do what I could to get her contact information but couldn’t be the one making contact. Anyway my bio dad told her he will be there for her. I knew right away she was pumped and bursting with excitement the moment he wrote her. My heart sank hoping he wouldn’t disappoint her.

I thought to myself. This is the time. If he shows for my kid. If he makes her day about her can forget the child support nonsense. Or the you were an out of control teen by time I got you… If he can just stick to I am so proud of you Hailey. I love you. My pain I will swallow and my suffering I will forgive. Without a second thought to be honest. My kids are my entire world. Their happiness is mine.

Badly I desire to let go of my pain and focus on my family is all coming together. Something I have never dreamed possible and always longed for. They will be here celebrating my daughter. Who just broke the cycle. Isn’t a teen mom… graduated… and is going to college. Which I paid for! ON MY OWN! Legit everything college related has all been just me and Hailey. How can my family not be proud of us doing all they thought was impossible. From the school they thought wasn’t “real” enough for them. But it’s so hard not to allow the thoughts of they may not show to creep in. What if they have all set her up to be standing and waiting… Not as though they haven’t done that to me a time or two. How do I stop forseeing the worst case? Fucking survival mode always there in the back of my mind saying the worst of the worst is coming.

And if it does… If they all don’t show up… It’s my fault for letting them in again. Letting them hurt her. Disappoint her. I gave her the contact. I planned the party and I 100 percent will feel the burden if they let her down. any of them….. Just want her to have the day she deserves. The family, love, and attention she craves so much.

Ugh life is hard. Why must I be such a fucking emotional ass creature?

Her Day


Here we are… The clock is ticking to my daughters big day. Everything seems to fall short of perfect in my mind for her. I can’t buy or do enough to show how truly proud I am of her. Graduating, turning 18, and moving to dorm. She has held a job for years now. Secure enough to ask for a raise when she felt she deserved it. Switched jobs when she seen room for her own growth. Literally everything I could dream for her.

Plans to be a judge with an entire law path in front of her. She has no doubts in who she is or what she wants to be. I instilled in her she needs no one and can do anything her heart desires.

My room fills with decorations and party games. Buying tables and helium tanks… hell even entire vintage popcorn machines. But sadly there is one thing I can’t provide for her. It’s not in my abilities to give her the love she so desires from “family” My poor princess thought her party would be this healing bridge and a way for her herself to rebuild on relationships lost or never gained.

Supporting her I gave her whatever information I had to reach out to family. Which to be honest was very very little at this point. I’ve worked very hard on my own mental health and building boundaries to how I allow myself to be treated and the vibes I allow into my environment. My therapist will tell you I created a new enviroment right inside the old one when I was unable to leave. I’ve built a safe place now and I’ve thrived inside.

It didn’t take long for the negative vibes to seep in. Now the grandma we had been told was suffering severe dementia has the ability to text message and lay guilt and blame. With statements to the effect of your nana cries everyday cause she isn’t allowed to see her grandkids. My poor kid. Her heart just breaking because her version isn’t the same. She reaches to her nana the most out of all the kids. To be honest probably more than my brother and I ever have. My mom rejects her outlets to contact her. She decides to have Facebook hiatuses and then not see the messages… even knowing this is regularly how she has grandkids contact her. Hailey very much remembers just a few years ago when we moved closer to my mother and her baby brothers asked.. and asked to go visit her. To spend the night. She said no. She literally had an excuse for every single time. When she took the kids she chose on the time she chose it was to do what she chose. Often things that made the kids miserable. Not this lets get to know my grandkids but instead lets question them on every mistake I FEEL they are making. Allen just came back from being doped into being with my mom on a visit with my brother. Between my brother and mom my kid can back with literally zero self esteem. Hailey tries to respectfully say her verison realizing that now she would be hit with her is your cousins babies. The ones I wish you could meet because they are perfect.

The same cousins who the kids came to me about after Christmas saying that they felt inferiors to. That they felt like they were not seen or seen as lower than them. The kids were uncomfortable at holidays. Feeling as though they were a lower class of family. At that time I decided we wouldn’t share Christmas with them. So that the kids weren’t faced with seeing every cousin get loaded with expensive tailored to their likes and wants gifts while they were given second hand pile of stuff saying we knew one of you would be bound to like something in this stack. The 25 cent stickers still on. It was fine for me to feel those feelings my entire life. Being gifted toilet paper while my brother got tvs and video games. Because I was clearly the failure in comparison but no way would I have let my kids feel the same.

I went to my mother that Christmas. Explaining our feelings and how we didn’t mean to offend but we felt we needed to celebrate separately. That the piling in the living room of grandmas to be made felt the lowest on the totem pole was no longer a place we wanted to be. Claiming to be the understanding mother who wanted to change for the better of our emotional needs she asked if we would go to her home for the holiday instead. I went against all of my better judgement because I love my mother and I went. Guess what…. IT was the same bullshit. The cousins not present but grandma and grandpa there to literally tell the kids what they didn’t see. To tell them how they did this and that for the rest of the family but don’t worry this year because of your complains we didn’t even get you some yard sale trash. Your worth nothing at all now. But we used the extra money and got everyone else some scratch offs. Then when you tell your mom do not buy guns… Even though they are on the kids list they are not ready…. She buys exactly that. For the kid least ready. Making him receive the gift from his list and the rest not… Him clearly getting a more expensive gift and things clearly not being fair yet again.

I decided then I no longer wished to have this type of relationships in my life. I blocked numbers and begun to heal through things. Not once was anyone told not to come to my home. My mother has done a few drive way drive byes as I call them. Where she can’t be bothered to take time to interact just drop off stuff take some pictures and make herself look like an involved grandparent. To be honest always thought they were for facebook show.

Now Hailey continued to update. Would even sing and do stupid cute shit for my mom’s bday. ( secretly I reminded on bday…. but shhh) Then my mom stopped with even sending the kids bday cards. She stopped responding and I realized I again was pushing the bday thing and I didn’t remind them. So there was not any contact for awhile. Not like my house phone was ever blocked. Or not listed. It’s literally in the house just for the kids use. Not like I said never come to my home. But the text my poor kid is getting is absolutely making it seem like we are the cold hearted ppl who replaced our family.

I sincerely hope that her party turns out exactly how my princess desires in her heart. I pray there isn’t tears and wounds reopened. I hope that my family that shows understands this day isn’t for any of that. The day is to celebrate Hailey and her accomplishments. It’s to love her. To be proud of her. I hope that if they can’t do that they simply do not come. Because Marc, myself, even his family will have no problem escorting them off my property. Imagine your big day and fearing that you’ll be made to feel lower than… To feel any sadness at all even. I hope that they understand that it won’t be a day for catching up on what Hailey missed in their lives but what they missed in hers. If they want a day for that they should plan that. This day won’t be the place. It won’t be the place to remind Allen what path they think he should be on. Or his level of motivation. It is simply a day to uplift Hailey.

I’d be lying if I said I am not worried. I’m absolutely terrified that the ones she wants to come and support her will be the ones who lower her. All I can do is pray. Smile that day deflect any conversations not about her and in a positive manner and remove those who can’t understand that.

For awhile I thought that I had gotten out of the mindset that I swear I’ve been in since a toddler. Thinking that I was past just surviving and out of the survival mode. Truth is I now believe that is my way of life. In a sense it’s also my super power. Everything falling apart and I’m driven to figure out this solution and foresee the next worst case scenario. It’s powerful though to react and problem solve so quickly. To be so expectant of it that you can thrive even in those moments.

Definitely have made huge strides in life. Calling this chapter my uphill survival. Proudly working on myself still in therapy. I mean honestly loads and loads of work on my mental health have been done. Overcoming, speaking my truth, reliving and moving through so much pain. It’s been tough but good.

Making myself a better person I am in the process of wiping my record clean from that horrible misdemeanor that controls so much of my life. Once that is gone so many more doors open and so many mountains will be moved. I think I can provide better with that gone.

Hailey’s graduation date is quickly approaching and boy have I pulled off a lot there. Her cap and gown is absolutely perfection. Planning pictures and parties and knowing I get to watch my baby walk that stage is just so overwhelming for me. It’s thrilling and exciting and I so look forward to what she will accomplish.

Recently helped add to Allen’s set up so he can find the work from home gig that makes him happy. Haven’t pushed him back into the workforce just knowing emotionally life is so hard right now. Thinking maybe if he finds something he loves to do that life will not be so 9 to 5 for him.

Malachi works so much he is saving and has all these goals. Changing them with the wind of course but who cares. Pride is all I have for how far he has come. Just one more year and he too will walk the stage.

I strive to open a family business soon. Something that can thrive with the times and that my kids can carry on and thrive with. Something to fall back on. For the kids like paytyn who may need extra patience. Or allen who will need something less social. I want to make sure I provide long after my days on earth since who knows how many of those I am entitled. I leave behind this legacy of troops who braved the world together as a family and I want to make sure I leave something to keep bringing them back together when they need that. I’ve thought about a property big enough for them all to build on if they so choose. I know it’s not realistic that they all want to stay close together but honestly I sure hope they do. The numbers are in my favor after all that some will stick around together. If I provide the way for that. They will always come home I think.

I’ve been just racking my brain as to what business where to buy property and be the spot for the rest of my days. Definitely want to go warmer. No snow to deal with when I am old and grey. Although I’ll miss that too.

I begun writing letters to my children emailing them to myself and saving them in folders. For the day I am gone. I want them to have new memories with me even when I am not here to make them with them. Them knowing they are my reason for life is so important to me. That each and every one of them was completely perfect!

So much of my time has been spent dodging the grieving process lately. Not allowing myself to process any of the deaths surrounding me. Honestly just felt so guilty like it was not even my right to hurt as much as I am.

I never felt as though I fit into the mold of what I needed to be to fit in a family. Not just mine but any. So I spent all of life moving from one family to the next to find my fit. Even inside of my own. Grandma’s, aunt’s, Aunt’s coming into play by marriages, they all played the role of mother at some point. The men I attached myself to over the years. They all had families I built bonds with. Sometimes I’m not sure if I seen the relationship with those men in that light…. I was truly longing for family. If you asked me now what I feel towards Chuck and I wasn’t trying to make sure Marc wasn’t hurt by my words I would hands down call him family. Not an ex. or the kids dad…. all of the things he most certainly is. But in my head he is just family.

So now that my life has this settled and loving family. Those little pieces of family I built along the way I feel guilty for. I mean when your ex’s mother passes away but your in a strong healthy relationship now with a new “mother in law” per say. How do you even cry and not feel bad for doing so. That isn’t your family anymore…….. So I missed a funeral that with all of me I wanted to be at.

Step mothers are sick dying…. But those divorces have been long buried and they are not any title to me. The relationships went down in such a ball of flames how can I now be at those womens sides. To say bye…. to hold their hands. That would make me a traitor right? So I swallow that pain too.

Marc’s family now experiencing the pain of loss. I barely have a relationship there as it’s not been much time. Things still feel fresh and covid hindered the time I was able to spend. But I am literally aching at the loss. Even more so when I am able to be there for marc’s family and wasn’t for all the others. It’s not just sorrow or grief it’s guilt. Guilt that I can give more of me at the loss when it’s Marc’s family. Guilt that I didn’t say bye to those I wanted to.

You put all that guilt with the grieving and then add in social anxiety and I begin to wonder if I was really even there for Marc’s family. Remembering looking at him and saying so many times I just don’t know how to speak. I can’t speak no words.

I will soon face a loss that I already know will be one I don’t know how to face. Holding anger at the secrets that stain. Thinking that I would have got to speak my truth beforehand but it’s already too late. The words I speak couldn’t be heard now. Waited to long to get out what I need and now the ears are deaf. The sickness has overcome and I will never get the peace I longed for there.

Fuck depression. Like seriously. Fuck being blue. Fuck being sad. Just fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk I want so desperately to forget all the pain.

Oh the words are just not here, everything I want to say at the tip of my tongue. Typed and deleted line after line with nothing on the screen now. I desperately have been trying to break the chains of my past that are weighing me down. Moving through the trauma is the toughest thing I’ve ever put myself through. There isn’t anyone at my side for this part of my journey. No one has any clue what battles I’m in.

I’m fighting for my life. Every breath seems so difficult. It’s not the first time I’ve been here. This dark low place im festering in. So I know there is a way out.

Sometimes I wonder if I left here, this state, this environment, if I could break free and really forget it all. Forget everyone before I found freedom. Wipe the slate clean.

So remember a while ago writing about all the death thoughts creeping in at all the wrong times. Honestly being a pretty constant presence in my life for some time. I had initially thought it was a medication problem. Only to be convinced it wasn’t after adjusting them. Turns out it was the wrong adjustment.

Headaches began to define me about a month in a half ago. Being in the dark as much as possible. Being irritable over the smallest inconvenience. That triggers a med check and change. It did nothing for my headaches at all however completely changed my life! My head is pounding still to the beat of a drum but it’s so clear!

Those feelings of death and dying are completely gone. I can force those thoughts and not be caught up in them which I couldn’t before. Anything about death or dying was triggering such blues and ugly negative thoughts. Now it’s just more of a normal thought. Live life to fullest and one day it’s over and that’s completely okay.

The meds have had such a positive impact for the last month. It feels like I am more capable than I have ever been. Often I would feel like I was outside of myself watching as I would completely lose control of my emotions and there was nothing at all I could do. I felt so helpless. Now it’s not like that at all. I feel like I process more before I react. It’s such a blessing.

In an emotional state I often couldn’t even remember what I said or did. Mania wasn’t controllable even when I could see it. Sometimes I would even plea with marc to help me. Because I couldn’t get back out of it. That isn’t the case now. I’m completely in control. I have more understanding of myself than I ever have. Far from perfect. Still a bit of a roller coaster to be me. However it’s such progress and I’m learning more and more every therapy session how to help myself be a better me. I’m so committed to being the best version of me I can produce.

I wish that I could go back and lead a better example. Never understanding how to pick friends myself I passed those traits to my children. Clinging to toxic needing friendships was my motive. There was a clear need for me to be needed. Finding comfort in being the nurturer in the friendship. Maybe even the mother, the clear responsible one.

I’ve since learned how to better chose who I have in my life and the boundaries I put in place. But a day too late because my kids were watching my failures at building those healthy friendships. They too now sit often in pain from choosing unhealthy friendships. So badly do I wish I could go back and be a better example. Catching on sooner than I did.

Sadly I instilled in my children the same fears I had of being alone. Clingy to those unhealthy relationships as if they are a need. The fear of that lonely feeling. It often lead me to succumb to being someone I was not.

Last Night watching my daughter do just as I spent most of my life doing my heart wrenched. There isn’t anything I can do about the example I gave now. Only thing there is to do is move forward doing better. Longing for them to find everlasting healthy friendships and relationships.

I truly thought it was painful to go through it all but it’s far worse to watch your children repeat your mistakes. Moving forward I will do better.

February 7, 2021