Little Letters Of Love

Little Letters Of Love

Have I raved enough about Marc that everyone knows the man in my life is amazing yet???!!!! Well that man is pretty freaking perfect. So if you haven’t been following from the beginning lets refresh just a bit. Marc and I meet seven and a half months ago through a craig list ad. Lol can you imagine! He was my second craig list date and the first one I had jumped out of the car by the time we hit the stop sign at the end of my street. So the fact that I even went was a shocker as I wasn’t planning to ever go on another of those again! In fact I blew Marc off on our first planned date. That was not planned to be a sleepover of any kind. Somehow Mr. Amazing texted even after the stand up and no reply incident from me to text me while I was severely being beaten. I had just been football tackled into the ground. I still wasn’t sure I could leave my situation or if I wanted to meet another strange craig list man. Then he said it was his bday and he was alone. I am not sure if he had other plans later or what but he came and got me that night and I fell in love that night. I swear it was that first night I knew I would marry him and this would be forever. I got out of my abusive situation within a month and a half because of the courage my love for Marc gave me. At three months in I was given a key to his place. I would go there everyday and clean the man cave. I picked something knew to tackle each week and organized and cleaned for him. When I would leave before he returned from work I would leave him a little love note. After two times of leaving him notes he left me his favorite Cross Pen. I remember thinking wow fancy pen. He also left me a little yellow sticky pad. I had been leaving letters on envelopes and all kinds of scrap paper previously. Before he had left those things for me to use to write his little letters of love I wasn’t sure if men really liked that stuff or if it just looked corny to him. I wasn’t sure if he said he liked them to make me feel good or if I was really making him feel good. I remember him telling me the cost of the Cross Pen and me thinking shit he is leaving this thing with me everyday! I lose everything. He has to replace lighters all the time because I have walked off with them and they then vanished into thin air. (COMPLETELY NOT MY FAULT!)That pen is the ultimate pen. It writes so fancy and smooth lol. I love it. I cherish that it’s here for me to write little letters of love and I would never lose it. He knew that. I soon realized he was hoarding the letters. I would leave them scattered EVERYWHERE! In the snake room, in the basement, on his coffee machine, on the baked goods, in the fridge, in the freezer, on the fish tank, doors, walls, shower, everywhere I had a thought of him I would leave it there and let him know. YES, there are thousands of them! HE keeps every single one of them. On his nightstand right by his head making me feel as good as they make him. WE are so blessed with the love we share! My sleeping beauty is the greatest man to exist. Happy blogging I am off to make his breakfast!

The love I needed and never got is now the love my daughter is looking for…. I so tried to not let the cycle continue.

The love I needed and never got is now the love my daughter is looking for…. I so tried to not let the cycle continue.

I think the love I longed for the most growing up was that of a father. When my Dad ( Scott) disappeared I looked for a father in every man that came home with my Mom. A few now I can only remember faces, some still have names to the faces, and their are those I have no memory of but pictures galore of me in their arms. The love I was searching for was unconditional. You know the kind where you can fuck up and still be loved. The kind where the size of your mistake or the depth of your flaws make no difference. The love that can only come from a parent. The kind of love that wraps you up and consumes you. I guess I am speaking as if I know what that love feels like but I don’t. The efforts I made to feel it, to gain it were never successful. I waited at the door for Scott, by the phone waiting for it to ring. It rarely did. I chose to go alone to visits when he did show so I didn’t have to share his attention with anyone else. It was so lonely after awhile sitting in a movie theater with him snoring. Sitting at a bar him flirty with anything skinny with tits. It did not matter what I said or did. What fabricated story I had of some glorious accomplishment. He only listened and engaged if I was to speak badly of my mom. His anger for her trumped any love for me is exactly how I felt. I was never worthy of his love. When Rik came around I had just been raped. By a bf of my mom’s that I only remember by his first name ” Brian”. My mom and him split and she meet Rik what felt like rather quickly as a child. I honestly really couldn’t tell you the actually story for that or time gap. I know that emotionally I was going through more than I could bare alone. The day that it happened my mom was stranded on road with some car trouble and it was my fault as I was to busy being raped to answer her call. I lied and said I had gone to his house. I left out him being at ours and taking me. I left out how my panties were soaked in blood from the events that had happened. I took her punishment and screams and I cried to myself. When Rik came I wanted him to prove he wasn’t the rest. Prove that a unruly teen was worthy of his love. I acted out for his love. I acted out of the move. I acted out totally unable to process the emotions I was dealing with. In return I made myself hard to love. I ran away seeking love elsewhere….. 16 and Rik and my mom are still together….. Maybe he will love me he has stuck around through some shit right… They had put me in private school one that Rik attended. I was no longer living at home and just wanted to make him proud. Get his attention. I got a job at the dq in niles. It was owned by a man on the school board. He paid me an additional 50 cents a hour on my tuition. I lived in south bend and carpooled to st joe. Every morning I got up at 4 am and I went to this gas station where I prayed like hell my ride would show. On the days she didn’t I sat at a gas station from 4 am to 4pm alone in south bend! AS a CHILD! I did that trying to make Rik notice, make him proud. let me come home. No one cared. I spent my entire check from work on the carpool to get to school. I rarely even had a lunch to eat at school. No one noticed, no one cared, my efforts to make them proud in any positive form went totally unnoticed. I eventually gave it all up. Later getting my ged with a 3 month old. Even later as and adult I tried again to make Rik proud with my education status. I went to college late in life, I enrolled and passed tons of classes by with my placement testing. ( not bad for freshmen drop out) I worked my ass of and took a full 18 credits per semester. I called my dad (rik) constantly with updates of grades and presentations. I screenshot him scores and results. I reached and reached for his attention, time and love. Let me tell you as an adult to reach so desperately and not achieve it leaves you feeling pathetic! I remember in a fight Chuck telling me that Rik didn’t give a fuck about my grades and was probably tired of me calling him from school everyday. I remember arguing and saying he was wrong. I stopped calling Rik that day to prove he would call me. HE didn’t ever call. It was almost graduation time and I had always asked Rik to buy me this brick for the graduation one that had something cute about a mom of 8 did this anyone can. My name and my grad year. He told me if I pulled it off he would do it for me. I sent him the link and everything when I knew I was graduating. I had this whole conversation with myself as to how many times I would remind him before I was begging him to be there again. Something I did not want to do at all. I decided 10 that was it just 10 reminders and count downs to when he couldn’t purchase any longer and when I would graduate. After that I would let him decide my worth essentially. After 10 reminders I went silent. I of course posted on facebook daily reminders to the world of when this mom would walk with her hat on. Chuck knew they wouldn’t get me that brick no one would. He had purchased it long before I had been let down but left it a surprise. I wish he hadn’t actually though seeing the brick and knowing that my family didn’t do it. That they never even went to see theirs daughters name. It was more painful then no brick at all. No one showed when I graduated. Later they said they didn’t know. I didn’t remind enough. Thing was I just wasn’t important enough. As an adult I stayed in a severely abusive relationship because I knew Rik wanted that. HE loved Chuck thought he was just the greatest. They had many talks over me being crazy and Rik not knowing how Chuck could do it. In fact Rik gave Chuck a truck telling him never to put in my name. In the garage that day Rik and Chuck had a conversation that I got third party about him being a good man and staying with me. How Rik couldn’t believe he had. I wondered how such a thing could be said about a man that beat me so badly. I wondered if Rik really thought that was all I was worth. Wasn’t even 2 months that the truck had breaks go out and Chuck drove it to scrap yard for a bag. Leaving the kids with no way to get to the grocery store. Karma I guess the truck crushed because I could do nothing to stop it cause it was me that Rik thought to little of it was me he thought would be in line at the scrap yard. It was me with the tears and the cuts down my leg to the words Chuck spewed of his conversation with Rik that day.

I remember Chuck saying Rik doesn't really like you much does he. The next year I begged for Christmas time with him for him to be angry that I was making it seem like he wouldn't make time for us. He never did make that time. I never seen him a single holiday since. He never called there was never a Christmas card in the mail. I was just forgotten. As I knew I would be. I still keep reaching of course. Jade she is exactly the same. She goes through all the same emotions with Chuck and keith. Now Marc stepping in and he feels frustrated as he sees her playing both sides. Acting out, being defiant. I see and hear her after she has done something to make Marc proud. She too trys in school for him as I did for Rik. She too gets excited for something as simple as a hug. She wants to see he will love her unconditional. She wants to see what she is worth to him. I know what a bumpy hard road it will be for him to show her he loves her. I know how bumpy it will be for her to believe it. I am so grateful for all I felt as a child and all I endured because I can so easily help her and him learn and understand each other. I can whisper in his ear an accomplishment she has achieved and he will go give her the attention she longs for from it.

Day #2 In the 3 quotes for 3 days challenge

I am on day two of my challenge given to me by Dementias Diaries and I thought I would really take time to find a quote that hit home. I choose this one. “She’s been through hell and came out an angel. You didn’t break her, darling. You don’t own that kind of power.” I really need to listen to this and know I am not broken. No one has the power to break me. I am far stronger than that.

Today I challenge 3 new blogs to the 3 quotes for 3 day challenge.

The rules are:

Thank the person who nominates you ✅

Post one quote per day for 3 consecutive days ✅

Nominate three new bloggers each day✅

The Blogger’s I nominate are:

1.The Lily Cafe

2.My Yellow Apron

3.Stories I’ve Never Told

Happy blogging to everyone 🙂qoute2

3 days 3 quotes challenge

3 days 3 quotes challenge

Okay first off guys let me just say I am thrilled to be tagged and nominated to interact with other bloggers for this challenge!!! I am beyond excited! I was chosen by Dementia’s Diaries.

Thank you so very much Dementias Diaries for choosing me!

The rules are:

Thank the person who nominates you ✅

Post one quote per day for 3 consecutive days ✅

Nominate three new bloggers each day✅

The Blogger’s I nominate are:

1:The Crone Curse

2:Fallen Angel On The Run

3.Perk Pack Blog

Ichoose qoute.png

 

Prairie Farms Peanut Butter Chocolate Milk

Prairie Farms Peanut Butter Chocolate Milk

Alright lets just take a moment to recognize the greatest milk on the planet!  I first discovered it’s peanut buttery goodness when I was working a third part time job at a local truck stop. I was in charge of stocking all of the milk in the coolers and while doing so I seen the pint size special edition peanut butter milk. I had very little time to eat and would often skip eating because frankly I didn’t get sick if I limited my food intake. So when I seen it I just had to try it. I walked right out of the cooler with it in hand and made the purchase. Oh my goodness did it set the taste bud receptors off like little fireworks on the fourth of July! It was like a pop rock explosion in my mouth I was in love. I had already finished the pint before finishing the short stroll back to the cooler duties. I tossed the bottle in the trash and made sure to purchase another on the way out. I actually missed the job dearly simply because it was the only place I could find this delicious milk to purchase. My dearest loves to shop at Martins. I bit of a expensive grocery store in my opinion so I don’t ever shop there. He goes for his fresh produce for the animals. When we walked in there it was right upon entering the side door by the cafe my milk!!! They have it 10 for $10 every six weeks or so and whenever they do Marc and I scoop up every single one. I can easily finish 15 pints in a weekend. It’s the very best stuff in the whole world. It taste like a liquid peanut butter cup! I would recommend everyone trying it!!!!! It’s a limited addition so maybe if we are start purchasing we can keep it around. I know I NEED it in my life! It has a big 8 GRAMS of protein!!!! Which is probably the thing that makes me feel better when I have gone all day without eating.

Donation

$1.00

How can you hold claim to this as love????? IS there any escape for me?

I truly thought that when I paid the price and bought my freedom I’d be just that free!!!!! I feel far from it though. As others give input from the outside perception of his insanity he claims as love for me I grow even more fearful. See I thought it would be as simple as giving him everything and running away. I did NOT run nearly far enough. The escaping it hasn’t been achieved. Today in midst of an awful fight he would spew the most evil words I could hear…. and I know what your thinking … did he call you a bitch, tell you you were the worst mother, and yes he said all of that and many other hurtful words… the most evil though were the I love you’s between those. I think it’s the worst thing you can possibly do is lie about loving someone. I mean clearly you can’t love someone you can threaten, hurt, and abuse. I just don’t understand how he can use my name and love in the same breathe. I wonder how the hell he can cry and request pity for him having no one between his cursing and threats of taking my child from me. I have tried keeping in mind that his childhood was  damaging. Maybe he doesn’t have a clue what love is or how to love. If I am being honest I can say I had no clue until Marc walked his fine butt into my life! Every I love you he gives I respond with an I hate you. If I react with that hate he then reacts with threats. I laugh and say see this this is your love and then he will change back again to I do love you I will change I promise…. The same promises for over a decade how can he possibly think that they hold any weight in my mind at all. He does though he thinks this cycle is a life to live. I think living this life is exactly why I had no fight in me.. I want so badly to be without stress to give my body what it needs to fight for my life. After one of his I love you’s I respond with I love Marc! He again responds in anger as I knew he would. I am no better than him you see I provoke knowing that any words I give about Marc will be painful. He brings out the absolute worst in me at all times. I hate the me he brings out. When he is to the point of threatening Marc and the claims of how he will beat him. He tries to throw high school insults on a man not even present to defend himself. I brought that on though bringing him up but I want so desperately for him to move on. He again threatened with how his kids can’t be around Marc. His poor children love Marc. They spent last weekend at a babysitter as I appeased his request then too. I wish I weren’t still afraid. He has nothing else to hold above my head all my secrets have been aired. I still feel like he is the puppet master and me his puppet. He told me today he was taking me to court for my kids. Can you imagine. Then said I love you. I will take the only thing in life that matters to you I love you so much. IS he so broken he thinks this is love? Do I offer my forgiveness and just let it be? He was never what I thought he was. I seen him as a rock for so long but he was just simply a fixture not a rock. He was not there to achieve goals and move forward with a future he has held me down and buried me in a sadness. The guilt that this is now all on Marc makes me feel just awful! I truly love Marc and know he deserves so much more than I can give. I have children with monsters. Men who will go to no lengths to make our lives harder. They will get pleasure from doing so. I know he deserves the world. I also know no one will ever love Marc as much as I do. I cherish the ground that man walks on. He is the mental stability I needed. My balance while walking the tightrope. I feel whole and loved. I am a better me in many ways. He helps me be a better me. A better mother. I hope and pray I can find a way to break free and give Marc the life he deserves I am an abused woman simply wanting a better life. .

In my soul I feel the agony right now. Today my entire world crashed before me. I was a pawn in a game he created and I fell at his feet. My heart will never feel whole again. I will never find anyone outside of my kids that will love me. I destroyed the only man who ever knew how. I knew from the very beginning I was not good enough for him. I brought drama into a life where there was none. In his bed I crawled with another man in my home beating my ass every time I returned. He was worth the beatings the drives to his house for a hug. I felt like his burden to bare. Every time a disaster or whirlwind of terrible things came tearing throw I turned to him. I never in my life had any trust in anyone but I trusted him with all I was. I am sure he put the same trust in me for me to burn it to the ground. I am the heartbreaker. I can offer him no explanation. I can’t speak and pour my heart out. I can have no further contact. The risk is far to great. How could I do this to the only man that loved me. I must be the most horrible human to walk the entire planet. I want to run back plead for forgiveness beg him to save me. The tears flowing are my own fault. I let someone control my every move my entire life and I just can’t break free from it. The black cloud follows me there is no escape from it. I punished myself and my children leaving far more than any other punishment I have ever beared. I’d rather be back in that camper rope to my wrist being raped again than this pain. How can I be this person. I knew I shouldn’t let him love me. I knew I was undeserving and yet I soaked it up till the last drop. Now I sit back on empty. Where Ill remain till the last day. I hope he finds a love that he deserves he is the greatest man I have ever had the privilege of meeting.

The venom and lies he still spews.

The venom and lies he still spews.

There are places I am restricted from going over the lies he tells. My ex husband is angry very angry. He has been paying the minimum required support for a very long time. In fact he took me to court to have it lowered with a doctor’s note saying he could do minimal hours and work. At the time having claims that he was going to get disability and was unable to work and support his kids for medical reasons.  His base support the amount that came to the kids being set at 88$ for 4 minor children. I left that be even after and I mean just a few weeks after Keith started a union overtime often job. No biggie really as the kids aren’t going without at the time. Recently Keith and his wife moved to my town. I myself encouraged it. I was sick and I mean very sick I was desperate for help with the teens him and I shared and welcomed it. I used my truck and I helped his wife move things from her storage to their new house. I loaned cigarette and gas money when they first moved in. Not a substantial amount or anything just 7-`10 bucks here and there. I provided rides where needed I just tried to be supportive and helpful. His wife called his paycheck card in mine and the kids presence pretty regularly to the point where I knew what he was making. The kids and I had several conversations about how much money that was to have so little and to never do anything for them. When the kids bdays rolled around and they got nothing but fake broken promises. While he wife bragged of the purchases for her and her kids it became clear of their intentions. Occasionally if Keith was asked directly on payday before the money was cleared out and depending how and for what was asked he may help. He put $50 on the $380 class ring Allen got. I still never filed to raise anything. It seemed that the battle for asking for more support even if it were the right thing would be more than I was willing to take on. Then things got progressively worse. As he would buy from fundraisers and never give the money. He would put bday money in their hands then pull it back to say he had to hold it and spend it on another child and flaunt that. It was a very sad situation. The battle in my head to raise support was always there. In my state it’s done by a formula if the amount he was paying was the amount he was able to afford then it would be left. I asked Keith for help many times that summer. It was my sickest moments. I truly needed the help. That summer my girls rape by the brother living in Keith’s home came to light. That summer I stood and watched in fear as Keith dragged Malachi from the home. In a vicious fight between the two. A screaming match between a father and son like I had never seen in my life. I watched Keith foolishly spend money that I knew my children could clearly benefit from. Our eldest son getting into a college program was a milestone. I was desperate to get him his license, a car , and a cell phone. Keith promised him a phone, his truck, and to pay half the license cost with me. Sadly for my son that was all lies. I begged for the 50$ money order for the drivers ed for a long time. Allen given many excuses for the phone and why he didn’t have one. Meantime the son who had raped our daughters got a cell phone. I thought maybe for Keith that taking care of the kids he seen daily and were in his house seemed priority, I am sure he held his own anger to the lack of bond he had with his first born. I have truly and honestly tried to foster that. Allen is 16 now his opinion of his father is formed only Keith can change that. Keith made plans to take Allen shopping for shoes. I thought that was the coolest plan yet… that was over a year and a half ago Allen is still waiting.  Sometimes Keith can appear and be the dad they love. He doesn’t even have to put in much effort honestly they simple want his time. Sometimes it’s like he comes around to hurt them like he is hurting from them. I wish he’d leave the wife and other kids and home and just pick up the four and soak up the time before it’s not there to soak up. Allen will turn 18 in no time and he will break that tie completely as I have my father. I went to court after the incident with the shoes and the money order for drivers ed. I had no idea how high the support would increase. Over 109% increase. Now he is slandering me as a gold digger all over town. How I take all the money he needs to survive. I want so badly to say are you kidding !!!??? Do you remember when I left you your wife your kids and your 9 dogs into my home!!!!!!! DO YOU!!!??? Do you remember the groceries I brought to your shawnee trailer, your hills haven trailer!!!! I bought you clothes,blankets, coffee, cigs. I raise your CHILDREN!!!!!~! I just don’t get it. Like how can you be so dishonest do you really think that I take child support to hurt you!?! It’s not about you it’s not about me. It’s about the kids deserving to be supported. They deserve to have the same financial obligations by us both. I have not once not been there for something him and his family needed. When they themselves were on hard times and they had to complete a program for michigan works to get state aide it was me that took their kids for that entire week. Both kids. One that was not even keith’s and one that was from and affair in our marriage. I took their kids to church, to easter egg hunts, their first time feeding the ducks was with me, first time trick or treating was with me! I took your kids to water parks I included your kids in my family and in return your slandering my name. It’s like a slap to the face that I expected and still forgot to duck. I was unwelcome somewhere last week because I am a gold digging evil baby mama…… hmmm I just can’t see it in the dark he sees. I wish I could say that if he called I’d hang up, not help, tell him where to shove it…. but truthfully nothing would change for me. I will be supportive I will buy groceries if that means his kids see him or the coffee he needs to deal with them. The cigs he needs to chain smoke to entertain them. Ill do whatever because it’s what is best for my kids. My heart still hurts at how he sees this and me. It hurts that people who have never meet me are now passing such ill judgement upon me. I wonder if the money was worth the insults. I wonder if the money even has a thing to do with it or if they would still be there just the same.

Rustic Chicken With Gravy

I have not blogged in several days. That is usually a sure sign that I am either struggling emotionally or physically. This time it was physically. For days I haven’t felt like I was even able to pull my body from the bed. I got up to do what was mandatory of me to do and nothing more. Today hearing he was coming to aid me in a family meeting I thought I just simply must function today! Mind over matter right? So I decided a family meal was perfect for a family meeting night. I mustered up all my courage from deep within. Not just to get up and function but to interact with my family and hiding that I have spent the whole week wishing I could close my eyes forever! Let me tell you cancer is a evil bitch and she puts some horrible thoughts in your head. Remembering the pan set that had been sent to me this week to try out. I thought I’d try out a fellow bloggers meal while using them.

https://www.seasonsandsuppers.ca/rustic-chicken-garlic-gravy/?crlt.pid=camp.MwhoZqpTsyGc&m

The Rustic Chicken With Garlic Gravy just made my mouth simply water upon seeing the recipe. I knew as soon as I came across the pin it was the one I must try.  https://www.pinterest.com/pin/330873903867634964/ I had all of the ingredients in house. This too a clear sign it was the dinner choice! It was a very simple recipe to follow. However I did change it a bit. I added bacon in my gravy using it’s grease to make my the gravy base. I also opted to use a frying pan to fry the chicken, bacon and mix my gravy but I transferred to a glass 13 by 9 for baking purposes. It was simply what I had on hand. The bacon in the gravy gave incredible flavor. The entire 4 lbs of chicken was all devoured. As the mash potatoes and cheddar rice and biscuits were too. For dessert I made a delicious homemade chocolate chip pound cake. It’s a real bummer I was unable to get more pictures while cooking as I had the help of 6 of my minions making the meal 🙂 Cooking with my kids is good for my soul!!!!!

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