The love I needed and never got is now the love my daughter is looking for…. I so tried to not let the cycle continue.

The love I needed and never got is now the love my daughter is looking for…. I so tried to not let the cycle continue.

I think the love I longed for the most growing up was that of a father. When my Dad ( Scott) disappeared I looked for a father in every man that came home with my Mom. A few now I can only remember faces, some still have names to the faces, and their are those I have no memory of but pictures galore of me in their arms. The love I was searching for was unconditional. You know the kind where you can fuck up and still be loved. The kind where the size of your mistake or the depth of your flaws make no difference. The love that can only come from a parent. The kind of love that wraps you up and consumes you. I guess I am speaking as if I know what that love feels like but I don’t. The efforts I made to feel it, to gain it were never successful. I waited at the door for Scott, by the phone waiting for it to ring. It rarely did. I chose to go alone to visits when he did show so I didn’t have to share his attention with anyone else. It was so lonely after awhile sitting in a movie theater with him snoring. Sitting at a bar him flirty with anything skinny with tits. It did not matter what I said or did. What fabricated story I had of some glorious accomplishment. He only listened and engaged if I was to speak badly of my mom. His anger for her trumped any love for me is exactly how I felt. I was never worthy of his love. When Rik came around I had just been raped. By a bf of my mom’s that I only remember by his first name ” Brian”. My mom and him split and she meet Rik what felt like rather quickly as a child. I honestly really couldn’t tell you the actually story for that or time gap. I know that emotionally I was going through more than I could bare alone. The day that it happened my mom was stranded on road with some car trouble and it was my fault as I was to busy being raped to answer her call. I lied and said I had gone to his house. I left out him being at ours and taking me. I left out how my panties were soaked in blood from the events that had happened. I took her punishment and screams and I cried to myself. When Rik came I wanted him to prove he wasn’t the rest. Prove that a unruly teen was worthy of his love. I acted out for his love. I acted out of the move. I acted out totally unable to process the emotions I was dealing with. In return I made myself hard to love. I ran away seeking love elsewhere….. 16 and Rik and my mom are still together….. Maybe he will love me he has stuck around through some shit right… They had put me in private school one that Rik attended. I was no longer living at home and just wanted to make him proud. Get his attention. I got a job at the dq in niles. It was owned by a man on the school board. He paid me an additional 50 cents a hour on my tuition. I lived in south bend and carpooled to st joe. Every morning I got up at 4 am and I went to this gas station where I prayed like hell my ride would show. On the days she didn’t I sat at a gas station from 4 am to 4pm alone in south bend! AS a CHILD! I did that trying to make Rik notice, make him proud. let me come home. No one cared. I spent my entire check from work on the carpool to get to school. I rarely even had a lunch to eat at school. No one noticed, no one cared, my efforts to make them proud in any positive form went totally unnoticed. I eventually gave it all up. Later getting my ged with a 3 month old. Even later as and adult I tried again to make Rik proud with my education status. I went to college late in life, I enrolled and passed tons of classes by with my placement testing. ( not bad for freshmen drop out) I worked my ass of and took a full 18 credits per semester. I called my dad (rik) constantly with updates of grades and presentations. I screenshot him scores and results. I reached and reached for his attention, time and love. Let me tell you as an adult to reach so desperately and not achieve it leaves you feeling pathetic! I remember in a fight Chuck telling me that Rik didn’t give a fuck about my grades and was probably tired of me calling him from school everyday. I remember arguing and saying he was wrong. I stopped calling Rik that day to prove he would call me. HE didn’t ever call. It was almost graduation time and I had always asked Rik to buy me this brick for the graduation one that had something cute about a mom of 8 did this anyone can. My name and my grad year. He told me if I pulled it off he would do it for me. I sent him the link and everything when I knew I was graduating. I had this whole conversation with myself as to how many times I would remind him before I was begging him to be there again. Something I did not want to do at all. I decided 10 that was it just 10 reminders and count downs to when he couldn’t purchase any longer and when I would graduate. After that I would let him decide my worth essentially. After 10 reminders I went silent. I of course posted on facebook daily reminders to the world of when this mom would walk with her hat on. Chuck knew they wouldn’t get me that brick no one would. He had purchased it long before I had been let down but left it a surprise. I wish he hadn’t actually though seeing the brick and knowing that my family didn’t do it. That they never even went to see theirs daughters name. It was more painful then no brick at all. No one showed when I graduated. Later they said they didn’t know. I didn’t remind enough. Thing was I just wasn’t important enough. As an adult I stayed in a severely abusive relationship because I knew Rik wanted that. HE loved Chuck thought he was just the greatest. They had many talks over me being crazy and Rik not knowing how Chuck could do it. In fact Rik gave Chuck a truck telling him never to put in my name. In the garage that day Rik and Chuck had a conversation that I got third party about him being a good man and staying with me. How Rik couldn’t believe he had. I wondered how such a thing could be said about a man that beat me so badly. I wondered if Rik really thought that was all I was worth. Wasn’t even 2 months that the truck had breaks go out and Chuck drove it to scrap yard for a bag. Leaving the kids with no way to get to the grocery store. Karma I guess the truck crushed because I could do nothing to stop it cause it was me that Rik thought to little of it was me he thought would be in line at the scrap yard. It was me with the tears and the cuts down my leg to the words Chuck spewed of his conversation with Rik that day.

I remember Chuck saying Rik doesn't really like you much does he. The next year I begged for Christmas time with him for him to be angry that I was making it seem like he wouldn't make time for us. He never did make that time. I never seen him a single holiday since. He never called there was never a Christmas card in the mail. I was just forgotten. As I knew I would be. I still keep reaching of course. Jade she is exactly the same. She goes through all the same emotions with Chuck and keith. Now Marc stepping in and he feels frustrated as he sees her playing both sides. Acting out, being defiant. I see and hear her after she has done something to make Marc proud. She too trys in school for him as I did for Rik. She too gets excited for something as simple as a hug. She wants to see he will love her unconditional. She wants to see what she is worth to him. I know what a bumpy hard road it will be for him to show her he loves her. I know how bumpy it will be for her to believe it. I am so grateful for all I felt as a child and all I endured because I can so easily help her and him learn and understand each other. I can whisper in his ear an accomplishment she has achieved and he will go give her the attention she longs for from it.

Turning a rough morning into laughter!

Turning a rough morning into laughter!

I wake up feeling like total dog poop. The running nasty kind that once you step in you just can’t get off your shoe. Yea, it was pretty darn awful. So I took myself into a shower and I medicated myself as much as I could and still function. I decided that I would not let being sick take my weekend from me. I had planned this wonderful breakfast for my love and my kids. I was going to make it happen. So I quietly exit the room carefully turning the knob attempting to not wake up my sleeping bear. I successfully escape off to wake the boys. ( The two macaw’s in the cages in the kitchen.) I turn on the light and I grab the container their food is kept. I first feed Mack dumping and refreshing his dish. Carefully pulling out some of the things I know are his favorite and putting those to the top of the dish. Just as papa would do if he had woke them. I open Boris door to his cage and let him climb out and crawl to the door of his cage. I take his dish out and replenish it as well. I then clean up the kitchen a bit. Cleaning off the table the stove and pulling out everything I would need for this fabulous breakfast I was about to make. I walk toward the second bathroom which also has our laundry room I was thinking of starting a load of laundry before the kitchen throw down. It was then that I realize that Clare Bear had flooded the entire bathroom/laundry room and it was making it’s way to the hallway darn near to the kitchen. My heart races good gravy the water was a few inches deep.

I frantically wake Clare to aide me in figuring out how on earth to clean this mess. I now have to once again carefully turn the handle on the door and get towels from the dirty clothes in my room. In and out 6 times I survive without waking him. Gosh he really does sleep like a bear. Clare and I giggle and slide through the water. Having a good old time. I return to the kitchen to start breakfast while Clare bear finishes up. She later returns to tell me she is all down. I make the mistake of asking her if it plunged and flushes! The girl goes flushes the toilet and here it comes again. Flooding everything all over again. I just begin laughing uncontrollably. I left Clare this time to figure it out as I had food on the stove. My creation of Reese Stuffed French Toast. What is this your wondering? Deliciousness20180519_1138481829061161.jpg!!!
It is a mixture of cream cheese and powdered sugar to make the “stuffed filling” I spread that on one side of the bread. I then sprinkle a few pb chips and semi sweet chips on top of that and top with second piece of bread. After making into sandwich I dip then entirety of it into a beated egg mixture. Just as you would regular french toast. Grill in butter and top with whip cream. My love is a bit on the spoiled side so he requested syrup and nuts on top of his. So that is exactly what he got. Three of those and 10 slices of bacon. Then man cleaned his plate. Clare finally got the water dried once again and we left the toilet to the professional after he finished his breakfast. 🙂 20180519_110401.jpg20180519_1111201209900326.jpg20180519_1138481829061161.jpg20180519_1138431417256629.jpg

One Very Memorable Mother’s Day

One Very Memorable Mother’s Day

This year my Mother’s Day was far different than any other. Normally it’s pretty much like any other day. In fact most of the days that were intended to be my special days turned out pretty awful. When your in an abusive relationship it’s just kinda what happens. I don’t think a selfish man knows how to turn over an entire day devoted to another. I’ve gotten gifts from baby daddies and kiddos and my mother often not that I was never gifted or that it was not intended to make me feel good but the intention was never obtained that is for sure. This year started in complete chaos as the kids father whom they hadn’t seen in an entire year only had my day available to visit with the kids. So I had to give up my time for him. It took a lot of swallowing my pride to allow him that morning and to not let it show that it was hurtful to do so. I never want to share my kids. I am selfish in wanting all of their time. Time I know I won’t take for granted. I had made the arrangements for Keith to get his kids around 12 noon. That morning he called about 9 asking for them in thirty mins. I had kids in two seperate locations thinking I had still had several hours. I had the entire day planned out now here it was all about to change. Guess who hates change? ME! Of course I roll with the punches because this is for my kids. Mother’s never get a day to be selfish even on a day labeled for us. I got the kids all in one place just in time for Keith to arrive and pick them up. I was quite pleased that he showed and made effort and feeling a little less sad about sharing my time when I seen the excitement in my kids face to see him. After Keith took the kids I retreated back to the bedroom blogging while my love napped a bit. We got up and started to pack for our picnic day with his family and mine. We were to meet Keith at the park so we were preparing to pick up the 4 kids that weren’t with Keith. As we are  to walk out the door the phone rings. It’s Keith who is done and has nowhere to go with the kids about a hour before our scheduled meeting time. So change plans again and wait for him to bring us the kids back to Marc’s house before leaving to get the others. Marc had spent the morning making the chicken taco meat for the walking burrito bowls his sister had planned for the park. So thoughtful it was for her to take on planning and preparing so much amazing food. It was a huge deal to me Marc was making the meat. It seems silly since it was precooked and mixing in a crockpot but gosh was I just beaming at his effort. He isn’t much of a chef and doesn’t enough cooking much. I remember the next day noticing he had washed the crockpot too and that in itself warmed me from the inside. Dishes too are not the man’s thing. Paper products to avoid it at all cost was more his style. Anyway we finally get all the kids in two cars and transported to the park. Upon arrival I see his mom. It had been kept a complete surprise to her and you could see the delight in her face when we pulled in. She greeted each child she had yet to meet informing them they were able to call her grandma if they would like to. It was an extra special gesture to me maybe even more so than the kids. Perhaps my favorite moment of the day in fact. Especially for Paytyn. Paytyn has grandmothers but not those that are involved in any way in his life. If he were to run into them in public he would need to ask me who they are. I know that won’t be the case with Debbie and it felt uplifting. He needs more wonderful people to love him he just doesn’t have enough you know? Autism and bipolar are hard to manage at 6. I enjoyed so much the time we spent at the park as a family. It was not nearly as overwhelming as being with my own would have been. The judgement I feel with mine it’s just not there with Marc’s family. His sister easily laughed off some of Paytyn’s emotional outburst. They engaged in a loving manner at all times. I never get that none of us do. We see hanging with family as a chore. It’s sad and I have often tried to make more of an effort to not see it like that but I just can’t. We had some awesome food turns out April and Marc are both quite the cooks. 🙂 Marc’s mom and Hailey went for a short nature walk at the park and on the way home it was all Hailey could rave of. She has the most resistance for Marc so I was happy to see her bond. I know she wants to let him love her but she has a lot of distrust in her heart. Hard work it will be for Marc to show her he isn’t like that rest. That her behavior and harsh attitude with him at times is only her way of seeing if he will be here through anything. She wants to see if he means what he says because so many others didn’t. I know her actions well cause I was her. At her age in fact. I loved Rik wholeheartedly as my dad but letting him love me was a whole different story. I wish I could give my daughter the wisdom she needs to get through her emotions but I know this is a path she must conquer on her own because mom’s know nothing at this age. My Mother’s day at the park was an incredible high for me!! I was so filled with love. I counted 8 hugs that day between Marc’s mother and I. There was no key chain to tell me she loved me. She used actions and words. Pretty special moment for sure. After about 3 hours at the park it was too cold for the kids to be entertained anymore. In and out of the car and water they went. Malachi dove under and caught a large snapping turtle. Putting everyone in the park at awe for a moment. We all took pictures and set the little guy free again. Aaden he found a skeleton and giggled to no end while chasing his sisters with it. We seen and Engret across the water. We got to watch him for quite some time in fact and watched him take off in flight. He was a stunning bird. Upon leaving we headed to Marc’s I should have known this would not be a pleasant experience. Paytyn was not ever going to want to leave. As I thought it was a total meltdown. He was yelling and cursing outside in Marc’s yard. My gut wrenched at what would the landlord or neighbors think. I raced to get him and get him into the car. He kicked me and threw himself. “I hate you!!! YOUR A DICK!!! YOUR A JERK !!! I HATE MY LIFE!!! ” My tears were flowing. I get him into the car and a sibling holding him down and run inside to tell Marc I am leaving now! He looks at  me with a look I see as frustration. He throws his hands up and says I guess I will get there when I do.  I stop for a moment putting my arms around him and saying I am sorry don’t be upset at me. My son needs me to go and I race back out of the house. Marc follows right behind me and we leave at the same time Paytyn in my car. We get a few blocks before the screaming child in the back seat is opening the back door and trying to jump from the moving vehicle. My heart stops I pull over immediately and address the situation. His anger just continues to escalate. Hailey does her best to aide me in calming him to no avail. She holds him down for the rest of the trip into his seat buckled. I cry and cry. I can only think of Marc being angry, and me being a failure as a parent. My son hates me. I cried the entire ride. I ball in Marc’s arms as soon as we get home. He clarifies he wasn’t upset at me at all and just didn’t understand in the moment. He giggles at the thought of me being so upset from thinking he was upset. I calm and get the kids and house under control and Marc heads home. So my evening wasn’t the greatest but how great is it to not be going through that alone. I know my son loves me more then he loves anything else in the world but in those moments it’s hard to remember. Having Marc able to help defuse and help remind me of my son’s love in the moments he isn’t so loving is a true blessing. I had the very best Mother’s Day

Partner

Partner

This morning has gone incredibly well. I am maintaining a stress free attitude as I am in my safe haven. I got up first this morning taking my shower in peace. I was able to thoroughly enjoy my shower because unlike my home there was no ” mom ,mom ,mom ,mom  !!” , at the door to disturb. My first steps from there were back to bed and to the laptop. I have so much work to do on my blog of course. Advertisers to list, post to write, blogs to read, promoting that is calling my name. I’d say I worked on it for a solid hour before the in and out of the wifi at his country home gave me more grief than I was willing to endure. I from there got myself dressed. Blogging in the nude is all the new rave you see. To the kitchen clothed I go. I cook a feast for breakfast. I enjoy cooking in the kitchen with the birds. I think me waking them on Saturday mornings and cooking while chatting away with them and papa still in bed is a good bonding experience for us. So I cook a meal and Marc wakes to startle me. He came up behind me while I was string eggs and checking a notification to the blog that had popped up on my phone. I was in my zone and clearly not paying attention to his presence. My mistake because this isn’t the first time the little shit has made me jump from my skin while cooking his breakfast. I almost peed myself I was so startled. I had done dishes while cooking and had them on a towel drying. He after showering us all with attention. Myself, the birds and the kids that were home. Marc went right to putting the dishes away. I have pretty much been the sole dishwasher since our relationship begun. I don’t mind much though I rather enjoy taking care of him. I have not however ever put them away. Before I ever even think to he has already done it for me. After we eat he spends some time with the kids allowing me again some free time to pay attention to this blog. It’s really far more time consuming then you can imagine. He returns to the bedroom while I am in midst of promotion to give me some much needed attention. I thrive from that stuff. That genuine adoration he has for me. I don’t ever have to beg for it. Never have to give something to get that in return. There is no little voice in the back of my head making me feel low for what I may end up doing in return for that positive attention. All I had ever known before him was such. So he showers me with everything I need. I listen attentive to his ravings of a plane. The most uncomfortable looking plane I had ever seen in fact. The plane had metal seats. Well I shouldn’t even say seats as it was just the one metal seat. Nothing he was able to enjoy or share with me so I had to really force the interest. It was more for aerial tricks and such not romantic sunsets flights. Off track again. After all my needs are meet from him he hops up and says I am taking the boy out to play with cars. I can see it in his face that he is excited to spend time with my son. It’s the greatest gift anyone can give me. To light a fire in my son with his love and attention as he does. I know part of him taking him outside is to aide in minimizing my distractions so that I can get some blog work done. Marc is a partner…. It’s not like any other relationship I have ever been in. It’s completely overwhelming at times because I don’t really know how to let him be an aide in my distress. He loves my kids from within it’s nothing to do with winning me as he already knows he did that long before ever meeting them. We are partners and match each other in everything perfectly. Yesterday he sat me down with a talk of how I was only seeing the negative in everything. How could I be anything but stressed and defeated if that was all I was thinking of. Not to mention the sleep deprivation I experienced this week. He is outside with Malachi now who has already ran in beaming of fishing poles and fishing trips. Every man who has ever played house with him has made promises of those trips. I use to cringe when Malachi came home speaking of plans of them because I knew it was only to be a let down I would need to help him recover from. I don’t fear that now. With Marc I am able to let myself get excited for my son. I can rejoice in his excitement and not fill with worry. This man is my families blessing and he has absolutely no clue of his infectious love. 20180512_110416.jpg Blue and Gold Macaw Coloring Book

I am the abuse victim….

I am the abuse victim….

I realize more and more how much I play into the victim role. I truly wish to stand up and break free from it. Not live my life worried on the negatives of what they may try. This week was defeating. My ex’s still play a huge role in destroying everything good in my life. Misery loves company I guess. I have been failing at my attempts to escape all that haunts me. To not live in fear of the what if’s. I was ready to give up my blog because of my abuser. Isn’t that crazy he isn’t in my life anymore yet I’d let him still take from me. Writing is my therapy it’s one of the good’s in my life. Therefore it’s vulnerable and open for my abuser to target. So I need to once again summons up whatever courage my frail soul may have left and push back. He has hacked accounts created issues within. So I change the passwords. I use my unity with Marc to rebuild. I focus on the good things. Marc and I both have our own places. Both home are stocked with love and food and all needs meet at both. No one is behind on any bills. No one is really stressing financially. Although my head seems to be screaming I need to work and bring in more we truly are just fine. Stumbling is okay it’s not defeat. So I spent the week wallowing in my hard work my abuser destroyed then I shook it off. I woke this morning ready to conquer the new obstacles he had laid before me. I can regain what is lost with effort. My abuser will not get the gratification of seeing me remain defeated as I am already standing tall again. My ads are back up. I will have the site running better than ever by the end of the week. I can achieve anything. I’m not alone.

Zoo, Special Needs, Patience, Love, Understanding.

Zoo, Special Needs, Patience, Love, Understanding.



I have been wanting desperately to get Paytyn out the of house a bit. It's a very overwhelming experience and something that is very hard to accomplish on my own depending the activity. I was fearful to even ask Marc to join me. My head was spinning with thoughts of how he would react. Maybe it would be to much and he would bail. I still need constant reassurance he won't. Even when I try hard to think of his love and that he won't my head still thinks he might. That there will be something eventually that will make him decide walking away from us is easier. Anyway I mustered up all my might and I asked Marc if we could take the little boys to the zoo. He never hesitated to say yes. We choose a zoo that was a little over an hour away. That was the cause of the first mild melt down. Paytyn struggled with the car ride almost immediately. He was angry that it would take so long. He was already against he zoo and just wanted to go to his Marc's. My amazing boyfriend is a problem solver though. We stopped at a gas station for snacks a drink and chargers that were ten feet long and green. Making us able to hand him our cell phone and a charger and keep him entertained the rest of the car ride. I smiled so big realizing what he was doing. He always burst my heart just wide open with his thoughtfulness. We arrive at the zoo. A line to enter gets paytyn a bit upset. He has no patience of any kind. After the lines and we get in we are off on a trail things are going well until we stumble on a family that has found some frogs. Holy melt down. Paytyn needs to catch these frogs he needs them to come home with us and there isn't anything coming from my mouth to change his mind. He melt down completely. Kicking, screaming , demanding things aren't fair. I can feel the eyes on me. The other family with us at the time ( the one with the damn frogs) the mom thinks that she should hold a conversation about eagles and frogs and salamanders. It's clear quickly she is lonely and a talker. I keep looking at her trying not to be rude at least give eye contact. Thinking the entire time "Lady, shut the fuck up I know you see my child right now I know you see he needs my attention. GO AWAY! " I feel terrible feeling that way as she was a kind lady who just wanted to socialize. The thing is a child with autism and bi polar and ptsd it consumed every ounce of energy you have. It's all got to be focused on him to win the battle. Finally the family walks away a bit and I get paytyn calmed down. Maybe 2 feet ahead I find a snake that has just eaten. He was just a straggler on the trail. I honestly had to debate that in my head even pointing it out for my family to enjoy wondering what it would create for paytyn. The snake was handled a bit better and we all got to enjoy seeing his full belly for a moment. The entire day was full of melt downs and complaints. He was on my back, on Marc's back, he yelled, he cussed, he hit me a few times. There were many moments that he was mom mom look and enjoying. HE had a huge smile more times than he was angry. Marc never hesitated to offer paytyn a piggy back ride to help take some burden off me. The one thing I wanted to do there was feed the giraffe it was just an absolute must for me. Unfortunately the train wasn't running during our visit. They had a tram in it's place but it was a extremely long line and a small tram. We opted to walk. I think I may have been the only one to read the warnings for the walk before we started though. 1/2 mile walk up steep hills. That walk was the longest walk of my life!!! The boy wasn't pleased. Klowey and Aj weren't pleased. My leg pain had been at a ten within 20 mins of our arrival and I was desperate to hide it so I didn't ruin anyone's time. I knew if I showed the pain I was in Marc would find a way to aide me and I really wanted the day to be about the kids. We arrive at giraffe's but paytyn has no interest the walk has taken whatever patience he had left for the trip and he was done. Marc being Mr. Amazing tells me while I am in another line to buy lettuce and feed my giraffe friend that he is going to sit and let paytyn on his phone while the rest of us go enjoy. My heart smiled again. What a gift this man is.  He and paytyn sat on the bench and the 3 of us just enjoyed the hell out of feeding those giraffe. We tried to walk Africa area a bit more but it was nearly impossible. Paytyn was clearly done for the day. On our way back we decided the tram was worth the wait for a ride back. We sat again giving paytyn my phone for a bit of a distraction. Mr. Amazing steps up yet again. Having me and the kids go sit in the shade. I was having a struggle with the heat at the time and my leg. I hadn't eaten at thing that day it was far hotter than I had imagined it being and I was pretty exhausted. He holds our place in the line directly in the sun while the rest of us get a bit of a break. In line the man has a slur in his voice.  Clearly not his fault. Paytyn begins to make fun. He tells the man he has a derpy voice. I tell paytyn that he isn't kind and needs to be. He responded with what I like derpy voices. He sounds all derpy derpy derp derp derp... I am embarrassed instantly. This poor man doesn't understand my son and doesn't get why he is taunting him. Paytyn now mocking every word from the man's mouth. The man walked away and no longer stood in front of us waiting for the train. I am sure my son hurt his feelings. I wondered if I should step up apologize and explain my son has special needs he has no concept that he is hurting anyone's feelings.  I said nothing. I later discussed me wanting to say something with Marc... We discussed maybe a bracelet that stated he has autism or special needs. I am really unsure my feelings on it though. Is labeling my child an answer? The ride home was just as intense. I was completely exhausted and in pain. I would nod off and wake to a melt down going on in the back seat. I eventually get angry and tell them they can't go to Marc's house over behavior. Knowing damn well his behavior is out of his control and instantly feeling like the worst mom ever acting in anger. Aj crys and my heart breaks I know how hard it is for him to have a special needs brother. They sleep for a bit after my anger. We arrive at mcdonalds and go figure get parked to wait. The kids food already in their hands and mine being what we need to wait for. I had intended to eat at home thinking it was easier. The waiting made that idea go out the window. I gave the boys their food. It was almost 6 pm at this point and I knew that they were starved. The entire chocolate milk goes all over the back seat of Marc's car. I sigh, thinking oh no he is going to be so angry. I should have waited to give that till we were home. I wasn't thinking I was just trying to subdue a melt down. I feel completely defeated. Arriving at Marc's I clean out the car. The boys go inside to play a video game. Marc and I sit and unwind in a couple lawn cars in front of the garage. It was the most peaceful part of the day. We sat listening to the birds. A little mama robin perched on a branch right in front of me and I swear she was singing just to me. I waived at her and got a bit of a chuckle out of Marc. Our peaceful moment together was short lived when I heard a scream from inside the house. I entered to Paytyn having Aj in a full blown choke hold. Another melt down over a video game. I bring aj outside with me hoping that maybe if Paytyn had a game to himself a bit he would chillax. Aj, klowey and Malachi practice shooting a bee bee gun we had got malachi awhile back. Marc set up a spot he could supervise them and some cans in the yard for target practice. This last about 20 mins before paytyn is outside wanting to shoot. I tell him at this point that he is going home. He melts again. HE demands video games and is kicking and screaming once again. Pretending like he is leaving Marc's yard. I chase him and put him on my lap for him to kick and throw a fit. Then Marc takes over and has him sit with him. He spins everything in a positive manner. He doesn't get upset by paytyn in his face. Or climbing all over him. Which is far from what I am use too. I am use to men wanting nothing to do with paytyn. Screaming on my bad parenting how I need to beat his ass. My feelings of this may be to much and Marc might leave me fill my head. As eventually things get worse and we need to get paytyn into the car and home for meds. ( he is functioning on 2 hours of sleep in about 3 days) Paytyn wants no part of the car. He punches and stomps my bad leg. Punches me in the head a few times. I get him in the back seat of the car with me while marc puts away our chairs and closes up garage and gathers keys. I am in tears by the time he gets into the car. I am a defeated shell of myself. I feel like a complete failure. My son screaming he hates me that I am a jerk. It's hard to hear even if you know he is simply lashing out the only way he knows it is HARD TO HEAR! My amazing bf reaches to the back seat and rubs my leg he whispers he loves me and I take a breath. Maybe he won't leave me. After dropping off Paytyn I ask. Was this too much, do you still want to live with me? My head is truly telling me he will leave. He reassures me he won't but I can feel he seems sick of answering that all the time. I try to let it be and ease my mind. It's so fucking hard to let him love me. I just don't know that I deserve it. I constantly worry he will leave. He has given no reason what so ever for those thoughts in my head. In fact he goes out of his way to prove the exact opposite but I still have those thoughts. Later in bed he asked if I would like to cuddle before he showers. I fall asleep every time he goes to shower and never am awake when he comes back to bed.  I eagerly agree to cuddles. He comes to my side of the bed and positions himself in my spot for cuddles because the position we sleep we can't face each other. My bad leg and his shoulder just don't allow it.  I lay on his chest and let a huge sigh out. I am so excited to be in the comfort of those arms. He then tells me that he is sorry if he seemed frustrated in the car when I asked if it was too much and he would still want to move with me. He told me it was okay to ask as much as I needed. I had said nothing that I was worried I asked it to much. I said nothing to the feelings I had in the car but here he was in our quiet cuddle moment knowing what I needed to hear. He told me he will give me the reassurance I need anytime I need it. I cried. He didn't understand the tears. I pour out my heart and tell him I was worried I asked too much. I was worried he was frustrated and I did need to ask and hear it. I was crying happy tears because the man meets all my needs head on always! He knows my needs he acknowledges them and he fulfills them without a single word from me. It's true love in the grandest form. I am the luckiest girl alive to be blessed with this man as mine. I don't deserve

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him as he deserves perfection and that doesn’t exist but I love him!

The Flashback Memory ( Train)

Today as we were driving down the the beach to gaze at the water we noticed that there was a train slowly passing through. The speed in itself instantly took me back in time.  I am 13 years old. Living in Bridgman Michigan right next to the Cook Nuclear plant. I hated everything about my home. I was just moved from where I wanted to be and it never settled well. I had next to no relationship with my mother. She was clearly the enemy in my mind. I had one friend that I was very close too! She was having her own struggles at home as well. Both thought that we ourselves could do far better without their help. We decided one night that we would run away. We started at my house. We packed my things just one small bag is all I took. I left a note saying that I was going to go stay at her house. We walked to her house from mine. Her house was in town more and it was a two story house unlike my one story. Her room was in the second story we planned our escape and the life we would make for ourselves that night smoking a joint out her second story window. Her mom was drunk that night and her dad asleep. It was easy to sneak a $20 bill out of her dad’s wallet and just stroll out the front door. We left a note there as well saying we were at my house. Speaking nothing that we were running away. We decided that the way not to be caught was to walk the railroad tracks. We had literally no destination in place at all. Walking seemed endless. Suddenly we heard the whistling and howling of a train. In my mind it sounded just feet behind me and I thought it was fast moving freight train. None of which was true of course. We began screaming yelling and running. What the hell else is there to do when there is a TRAIN chasing you! On each side of the tracks was a very steep. The sides were large chunky rocks and at the bottom of the steep rock sides were trees and woods. It was pitch black and I am not sure how we even seen to get out of the way at all. In my sprint to escape that train that was really inching towards me rather than barrelling I fell crashing knees first into the unforgiving rocks. I rolled all the way into the trees below tearing my jeans from the anklet straight to the crotch. I cried I laughed and then I watched the train creep by. It was slow enough we could have easily jumped on it but we didn’t. I remember stopping at the roller rink and using the pay phone next door to find out where our ultimate destination would be. Watervliet was the spot. We eventually made it there our 20 dollars running out by day two. We slept on benches and in parks. We barely ate anything. Days and days passed just kinda lingering in town. Our parents at some point realizing we weren’t at the other’s homes. They called the cops. I remember thinking that no one was looking for us. It was quite some time before the police stop us. We lie about our names at first just to be caught in the lie and taken to the station. My first ever ride in a cop car in fact. The tears flowed as I thought life on park benches was far better then what I had came from. I begged the officer to put me in jail incarcerate me was my plea. It went unheard though as the only thing the officer did was return me to my mother. I didn’t’ even want to face her. My friend and I went through more then I could ever blog while we were on the run. At 13 I had this harsh reality of the world. I am glad my kids have no experience of this at all.

Dinner And Beach

Dinner And Beach

Today I had every intention of making Marc jambalaya for dinner. He had stated he had never eaten it before and I was in the mood for some spicy goodness. Then the day began to play out and after my 3 pm cat nap I had no desire to cook at all. I put the meat back in the fridge and shoot a text to my love. I had asked him if I could meet at his house and us go enjoy and outside dinner by the beach at one of my favorite restaurants! It was a restaurant I myself have had the privilege of cooking in. He of course appeased my request. I knew that he would he is always making my needs his priority the amazing man he is. My dinner choice was Tim’s Too! It’s an asian fusion grill. The set up is similar to a buffet experience. Your given a bowl to cram full of noodles and fresh cut veggies. You top that with any amazing homemade sauce of your choosing. Then at the end you will locate a second smaller portion size bowl to fill with meats. You then take your bowl to the end of the counter to watch it be cooked in front of you on a flat top. It’s served with flatbread and rice. The flat bread is absolutely my favorite part of the entire meal. We ate at the tables outside right in front of the restaurant which is located just above the St Joe bluff. Our entire meal was cooked to perfection. I was greeting upon entry with a big hug from the owners son. I received just as warm of a welcome from all of the servers and cook. Throughout our meal the temperature remained perfect for me. I was a bit worried as I had worn a dress that was cut above the knee. I had a shall on that kept me cozy. After finishing up I did get a bit of goosebumps down my legs but it was as we were leaving. Marc drove us down to see the water and all the goings on at the beach. It was the perfect evening. I ate almost my entire bowl of food without feeling sick even one time. What an accomplishment. My new medication is really providing me some fantastic relief.

Why I no longer pick up the paint brush that brought me so much comfort.

Why I no longer pick up the paint brush that brought me so much comfort.

I was living in my Grandma Dee’s home. Pregnant with my first child, already thrown out of the father of my child’s home, and a teenager. My Grandmother had just remarried. She was living in a huge home in Three Oaks. Her and her husband opened their doors for me and I had a large room and a decent life. I rarely left my room outside of the daily trips to the post office to buy stamps and mail letters to my son’s father. I wrote him constantly during that pregnancy. I stayed in my room. I didn’t eat as I was sick the entire time. I drank milk by the gallons but I bought my own as I had food stamps and wic way back then. I coped with my life with painting those days. I had mass amounts of paints I would even volunteer at the thrift store up town for credits there for painting and crafting supplies. It was just my passion. No one in my life wanted me to keep my baby. I mean NO ONE.  Abortion, adoption, whatever the opinion was it was absolutely not me parenting. I was on my own. I was fine with that though I had made my peace with it. I was in every parenting class known to man earning points and things I needed for my baby. Allen had it all!!!! So there is no way I had ever even considered another option for him. One day I came home to my grandma in my room. I hadn’t been gone long just walked to the post office a few blocks up and back. When I got to the top of the stairs I could see her in my trash can. She was fumbling with the garbage from my painting mess and I wasn’t sure why. Entering the room startled her and she was irate in an instant. She was screaming ” I caught you!”. I honestly had not a clue what the hell she was talking about.” I knew you didn’t want him. You aborted that baby. Right here in my house.” Her screams were ludicrous to me. Has she been drinking? My grandma didn’t drink but I truly just had no idea what on earth was going on in the moment. Before I knew it she had slapped me and I pushed her back she tumbled and we both ended up on the ground. Me with her clear hand print on my face. She then called 911! “My granddaughter has given herself an abortion with a coat hanger. I stopped her and she pushed me down. ” Oh my God at this point i realize she is bat shit and I should go. I get to the front door and the officer is already there. Her hand print still very clear across my face. She flies down the stairs to give her story first. I sit myself down on the porch trying to not stress through my high risk pregnancy.  I had been on bed rest the entire time. I couldn’t eat much and lived off milk and carnation breakfast drinks. The officer came to me next. He was holding the hanger. It was evidence. I was baffled. I had to go to the hospital and prove my story. I could have pressed charges as grandma admitted being angry at my actions and hitting me. I at the hospital was told the stress made it time to induce and was set to deliver the very baby I was said to have aborted the very next day. I moved back home to never have a relationship with my grandma again. I have seen her a few times but never had a bond at all since. I do my best to avoid her. I can’t move on from it no matter how hard I try. The hanger was simply covered in the red paint I had used it to stir and unclog one of my paints. The exam in my head created an issue that lead to my preterm delivery being needed. My son being vacuumed for 36 mins.  I threw all my paint supplies away that day and never touched a paint brush again. 

Dinner at the Mark

Dinner at the Mark

So I didn’t tell dinner from my side and my actions just as I seen my kids doing. Truthfully my side should be told as well. See when we sat down I already was full of worry. I kinda always am with food. The menus before me seem overwhelming. I am starved staring at the choices. I probably haven’t taken a days worth of calories all week long. I am beyond starved  as half those calories I vomit back up. Even when I tell people I am doing okay holding it down I am not!!!! So in my mind I am playing okay what do I want that I’ll be okay possibly puking in 5 mins. I am searching for the bathroom doors and wondering how many people maybe inside it if I have to go hug the porcelain God. I also have to worry about the daughter who is struggling with the font and reading the words on the menu and feeling overwhelmed and a son that is trying to experience all he can from his meal. I grabbed his leg before deciding I was going to get my favorite exactly how I enjoyed eating it. I order my nachos with nothing but meat and cheese. So when you order mexican and you leave out all of the rabbit food let me just tell you how skimpy the portion then becomes.  So I add extra of both meat and cheese. I swallow hard looking back at Marc. He smiles the reassurance I need but he has no idea he is even giving. Again he is perfect so most of the amazing things he does require no effort at all. His smile always warms me from the inside. Soon I see people walk in that I know… Memories that aren’t to fond. Ones I still want to share with him though. I know he hates negative stuff and maybe I shouldn’t always share them when they come up like that but he held me and let me cuddle him to pieces after and you know once he told me that the people I knew went to the back room I never thought about it again throughout dinner. I had gotten out he parts I needed to say and he had given me the comfort and listening ear I needed and then we just moved on.  I seen them again when going to the rest room but felt nothing as I had when they walked in. It was just another person in the restaurant was all.  Food arrived and I want to hoover it. My doctor apt was the afternoon before going to dinner and this is something I had just been told not to do. My tummy would need time eat very slowly. So I am eat time telling myself chew slowly as I eat. Still very focused on getting it in my belly! I eat about half my small portion. Not very small though if you ask me. Then I start to feel very full and cramping begins. My guilt is already setting in. My meal was expensive how can I not finish it.  I had FORCED HIM to PAY EXTRA for my extra meat and cheese and now I was leaving some of that on the plate. I surely hadn’t forced him at all but in my head that is exactly what I am thinking. The waitress comes to take everyone’s plate. I make sure I am still picking from mine when she does so she makes no attempt to take it. I simply can’t leave not finishing this plate. Now she brings the check. Oh no I have to see what it’s charged him for this. I have to resist grabbing the check as I know he feels better paying for dinner. It gives him pride in himself and I don’t want to take that from him. ( we’ve had these talks many times about dinner is his job to buy for.) So I wait for him to grab it and flip it and get out his card. He has established now that he is paying. Okay, it’s safe to slide it to me and look at it. One dollar and seventy five cents extra is what the fee was. Back to picking the toppings from the chips now. Gorging myself and starting to really cramp. I wonder had I stopped when I knew I should if I could have prevented getting sick. I picked and picked until he said he was ready and rescued me from my plate, from my own head. I got up and knew I was going to get sick. I have practiced how to get sick as quietly as I can now. If I said nothing no one would know. No one did. I rinse my mouth in the sink a million times because now my purse contents are missing and I am not protected with the mouth wash it would normally carry. My battle armor is gone. 🙁 I come out to find he waited for me before going into restroom his self so I would not think he had gone to the car. The sweetest gesture of course made my head worry. He had been waiting do you think he knew I was getting sick? Did I take so long it’s noticeable? He wraps his arm around me kissing my forehead and we leave the building. The food was delicious he was not worried about my dollar seventy five one bit and he later raved of the time he had with us. I wish I could worry just a bit less. HE loves me. I wonder if I will spend my life reminding myself of that or if one day I will let all of these foolish worries go. All the pain from that past one day might just stop crashing through. Before writing this blog I created it in my head while shedding the tears it deserved and coloring my pain away. I often play a blog post in my head before typing but I never reread them I type freely. This is the page I am working on. In the coloring book that was here waiting for me when I arrived home for the weekend.