Eyeliner

Eyeliner

I never knew something so simple would resonate in my mind for so long. I have not ever been much of a girly girly. Make up was not ever my thing. I think mostly because I was so clueless. I was 30 years old before I had convinced my mom to teach me anything about make up. Even when she did it was more of the don’t do’s then what to do. Don’t touch your face you will put oil on it. Don’t play with your hair same reason’s. Honestly that is all I remember is being in her bathroom getting ready for a Mary Kay party and feeling overwhelmed because I had no clue. So if I wear Make up the extinct of it is some simple eye liner and maybe lip gloss. Chances are the lip gloss is for moisture and has not a thing to do with wanting to be pretty. So on Friday morning I am off to the dollar store for tp and to get some cash back for my princess to take for spending on her field trip. I walk by this clearance  basket full of make up. I assume it caught my eye because I am always looking for the girls. They love to play dress up and do hair and make up. In the basket was a 50 cent eye liner. I got it and went on my way. Eye liner is a hot commodity for teen age girls if you weren’t aware. 50 cents is a total steal! I got home showed the girls and ended up putting some on myself. Fast forward now about 8 hours. My eyeliner must be a mess it’s almost 90 degrees outside. I have no ac at my place and I have been sweating like a pig all day long. Marc comes home from work while he is greeting his boys, ( our two macaws in the kitchen) he stops dead in his tracks and gazes at me. “Do you have make up on for me babe?” He says with just the biggest smile. “You look beautiful. ” I giggle and tell him it’s old. My heart just burst though. I can’t believe he noticed my 8 hour old messy eyeliner and said it was beautiful. Every time I looked in the mirror after I seen my messy eyeliner and felt beautiful. I hadn’t showered when he took me to dinner, hadn’t fixed my make up, I let him roll down the windows so my hair was quite a mess. He held my hand all over town with pride. Love is grand guys it fills you up with the best mojo. A sad week it was for me but a little eye liner can go a long way 😉

My Love Language Is Food

My Love Language Is Food

I am just certain that my love language is food. I find so much joy in baking and leaving treats all over Marc’s place. Having him over for dinner or cooking at his place for when he comes home from work is extremely gratifying for me. More with Marc then with anyone before. He cleans his plate and thanks me repeatedly. He will send me a text from bed of a goodie he is munching on that I left for him. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy knowing I am taking care of him in such a way. I like being creative and concocting things he probably hasn’t tried. I find it a challenge when he tells me how much he enjoys a meal at at diner and then I try to make it but ten times better. I love waking him p to breakfast in bed. His smile when he looks up at me plates overflowing of food I spent the morning preparing. Making him dinner while he hangs out with the kids. Calling in the family for our meal. I am overjoyed when he chooses staying home rather than going out. I stress making the meal perfect and never ever think it’s good enough for him. He deserves perfect and I’m imperfect so that isn’t obtainable. I do more then just feed him of course but it’s my favorite way to show him I love him.

Such a small sign of affection can have a massive impact on the heart <3

When I turned 13 my step dad entered my life. I know that must have been a wild ride for him. I had lots of boundaries to test and limits to push to make sure he wasn’t like everyone else had been. To make sure his love was genuine before I could or would let him in. I am still not sure that was ever obtained as a child but I can say that looking back now I remember far more good than I do bad when I recollect of memories of him. The biggest thing I remember is princess kisses and math home work. I was a whiz at math but I would pretend to not be so I could have his time helping me. I would even create homework I didn’t actually have for that time. Being a step dad the physical affection can be a bit more uneasy. I am sure that is why he gave me the kisses I so fondly called princess kisses. He would kiss my forehead and tell me he was proud of me for any good math grade. Typically a half hug around the top of my shoulders and a kiss to the forehead. I use to crave those things and bust ass on some math to get those lol. The other day my daughter and I in the car and she says mom you know what I like the most about Marc. She liked the hugs! He gives her a hug whenever she accomplishes a goal set before her or set by herself. He gives he a hug when she gets her school work up. He wraps his arms around her each time he is proud of her. It resonated deep within her as love. When she spoke so fondly of the hugs she loved I remembered the princess kisses I so adored. Marc fulfills that need for me now too as he knows those kisses meant so much as a child he showers me with them now too. Hailey said she never had anyone hug her like Marc does and I knew exactly what she meant. I know he is the one just as Rik was the one for my mother all those years ago. I know her resistance is the same I showed Rik. See she has opened up more than once to be left with a whole in her heart and Marc will have to take the time to mend it before that will dissipate. I know she loves him and I know she wants his time but giving time is a vulnerability she will not easily give him. I can’t wait for her wall to crumble and her revel in his love for her.

Partner

Partner

This morning has gone incredibly well. I am maintaining a stress free attitude as I am in my safe haven. I got up first this morning taking my shower in peace. I was able to thoroughly enjoy my shower because unlike my home there was no ” mom ,mom ,mom ,mom  !!” , at the door to disturb. My first steps from there were back to bed and to the laptop. I have so much work to do on my blog of course. Advertisers to list, post to write, blogs to read, promoting that is calling my name. I’d say I worked on it for a solid hour before the in and out of the wifi at his country home gave me more grief than I was willing to endure. I from there got myself dressed. Blogging in the nude is all the new rave you see. To the kitchen clothed I go. I cook a feast for breakfast. I enjoy cooking in the kitchen with the birds. I think me waking them on Saturday mornings and cooking while chatting away with them and papa still in bed is a good bonding experience for us. So I cook a meal and Marc wakes to startle me. He came up behind me while I was string eggs and checking a notification to the blog that had popped up on my phone. I was in my zone and clearly not paying attention to his presence. My mistake because this isn’t the first time the little shit has made me jump from my skin while cooking his breakfast. I almost peed myself I was so startled. I had done dishes while cooking and had them on a towel drying. He after showering us all with attention. Myself, the birds and the kids that were home. Marc went right to putting the dishes away. I have pretty much been the sole dishwasher since our relationship begun. I don’t mind much though I rather enjoy taking care of him. I have not however ever put them away. Before I ever even think to he has already done it for me. After we eat he spends some time with the kids allowing me again some free time to pay attention to this blog. It’s really far more time consuming then you can imagine. He returns to the bedroom while I am in midst of promotion to give me some much needed attention. I thrive from that stuff. That genuine adoration he has for me. I don’t ever have to beg for it. Never have to give something to get that in return. There is no little voice in the back of my head making me feel low for what I may end up doing in return for that positive attention. All I had ever known before him was such. So he showers me with everything I need. I listen attentive to his ravings of a plane. The most uncomfortable looking plane I had ever seen in fact. The plane had metal seats. Well I shouldn’t even say seats as it was just the one metal seat. Nothing he was able to enjoy or share with me so I had to really force the interest. It was more for aerial tricks and such not romantic sunsets flights. Off track again. After all my needs are meet from him he hops up and says I am taking the boy out to play with cars. I can see it in his face that he is excited to spend time with my son. It’s the greatest gift anyone can give me. To light a fire in my son with his love and attention as he does. I know part of him taking him outside is to aide in minimizing my distractions so that I can get some blog work done. Marc is a partner…. It’s not like any other relationship I have ever been in. It’s completely overwhelming at times because I don’t really know how to let him be an aide in my distress. He loves my kids from within it’s nothing to do with winning me as he already knows he did that long before ever meeting them. We are partners and match each other in everything perfectly. Yesterday he sat me down with a talk of how I was only seeing the negative in everything. How could I be anything but stressed and defeated if that was all I was thinking of. Not to mention the sleep deprivation I experienced this week. He is outside with Malachi now who has already ran in beaming of fishing poles and fishing trips. Every man who has ever played house with him has made promises of those trips. I use to cringe when Malachi came home speaking of plans of them because I knew it was only to be a let down I would need to help him recover from. I don’t fear that now. With Marc I am able to let myself get excited for my son. I can rejoice in his excitement and not fill with worry. This man is my families blessing and he has absolutely no clue of his infectious love. 20180512_110416.jpg Blue and Gold Macaw Coloring Book

Dinner And Beach

Dinner And Beach

Today I had every intention of making Marc jambalaya for dinner. He had stated he had never eaten it before and I was in the mood for some spicy goodness. Then the day began to play out and after my 3 pm cat nap I had no desire to cook at all. I put the meat back in the fridge and shoot a text to my love. I had asked him if I could meet at his house and us go enjoy and outside dinner by the beach at one of my favorite restaurants! It was a restaurant I myself have had the privilege of cooking in. He of course appeased my request. I knew that he would he is always making my needs his priority the amazing man he is. My dinner choice was Tim’s Too! It’s an asian fusion grill. The set up is similar to a buffet experience. Your given a bowl to cram full of noodles and fresh cut veggies. You top that with any amazing homemade sauce of your choosing. Then at the end you will locate a second smaller portion size bowl to fill with meats. You then take your bowl to the end of the counter to watch it be cooked in front of you on a flat top. It’s served with flatbread and rice. The flat bread is absolutely my favorite part of the entire meal. We ate at the tables outside right in front of the restaurant which is located just above the St Joe bluff. Our entire meal was cooked to perfection. I was greeting upon entry with a big hug from the owners son. I received just as warm of a welcome from all of the servers and cook. Throughout our meal the temperature remained perfect for me. I was a bit worried as I had worn a dress that was cut above the knee. I had a shall on that kept me cozy. After finishing up I did get a bit of goosebumps down my legs but it was as we were leaving. Marc drove us down to see the water and all the goings on at the beach. It was the perfect evening. I ate almost my entire bowl of food without feeling sick even one time. What an accomplishment. My new medication is really providing me some fantastic relief.

Dinner at the Mark

Dinner at the Mark

So I didn’t tell dinner from my side and my actions just as I seen my kids doing. Truthfully my side should be told as well. See when we sat down I already was full of worry. I kinda always am with food. The menus before me seem overwhelming. I am starved staring at the choices. I probably haven’t taken a days worth of calories all week long. I am beyond starved  as half those calories I vomit back up. Even when I tell people I am doing okay holding it down I am not!!!! So in my mind I am playing okay what do I want that I’ll be okay possibly puking in 5 mins. I am searching for the bathroom doors and wondering how many people maybe inside it if I have to go hug the porcelain God. I also have to worry about the daughter who is struggling with the font and reading the words on the menu and feeling overwhelmed and a son that is trying to experience all he can from his meal. I grabbed his leg before deciding I was going to get my favorite exactly how I enjoyed eating it. I order my nachos with nothing but meat and cheese. So when you order mexican and you leave out all of the rabbit food let me just tell you how skimpy the portion then becomes.  So I add extra of both meat and cheese. I swallow hard looking back at Marc. He smiles the reassurance I need but he has no idea he is even giving. Again he is perfect so most of the amazing things he does require no effort at all. His smile always warms me from the inside. Soon I see people walk in that I know… Memories that aren’t to fond. Ones I still want to share with him though. I know he hates negative stuff and maybe I shouldn’t always share them when they come up like that but he held me and let me cuddle him to pieces after and you know once he told me that the people I knew went to the back room I never thought about it again throughout dinner. I had gotten out he parts I needed to say and he had given me the comfort and listening ear I needed and then we just moved on.  I seen them again when going to the rest room but felt nothing as I had when they walked in. It was just another person in the restaurant was all.  Food arrived and I want to hoover it. My doctor apt was the afternoon before going to dinner and this is something I had just been told not to do. My tummy would need time eat very slowly. So I am eat time telling myself chew slowly as I eat. Still very focused on getting it in my belly! I eat about half my small portion. Not very small though if you ask me. Then I start to feel very full and cramping begins. My guilt is already setting in. My meal was expensive how can I not finish it.  I had FORCED HIM to PAY EXTRA for my extra meat and cheese and now I was leaving some of that on the plate. I surely hadn’t forced him at all but in my head that is exactly what I am thinking. The waitress comes to take everyone’s plate. I make sure I am still picking from mine when she does so she makes no attempt to take it. I simply can’t leave not finishing this plate. Now she brings the check. Oh no I have to see what it’s charged him for this. I have to resist grabbing the check as I know he feels better paying for dinner. It gives him pride in himself and I don’t want to take that from him. ( we’ve had these talks many times about dinner is his job to buy for.) So I wait for him to grab it and flip it and get out his card. He has established now that he is paying. Okay, it’s safe to slide it to me and look at it. One dollar and seventy five cents extra is what the fee was. Back to picking the toppings from the chips now. Gorging myself and starting to really cramp. I wonder had I stopped when I knew I should if I could have prevented getting sick. I picked and picked until he said he was ready and rescued me from my plate, from my own head. I got up and knew I was going to get sick. I have practiced how to get sick as quietly as I can now. If I said nothing no one would know. No one did. I rinse my mouth in the sink a million times because now my purse contents are missing and I am not protected with the mouth wash it would normally carry. My battle armor is gone. 🙁 I come out to find he waited for me before going into restroom his self so I would not think he had gone to the car. The sweetest gesture of course made my head worry. He had been waiting do you think he knew I was getting sick? Did I take so long it’s noticeable? He wraps his arm around me kissing my forehead and we leave the building. The food was delicious he was not worried about my dollar seventy five one bit and he later raved of the time he had with us. I wish I could worry just a bit less. HE loves me. I wonder if I will spend my life reminding myself of that or if one day I will let all of these foolish worries go. All the pain from that past one day might just stop crashing through. Before writing this blog I created it in my head while shedding the tears it deserved and coloring my pain away. I often play a blog post in my head before typing but I never reread them I type freely. This is the page I am working on. In the coloring book that was here waiting for me when I arrived home for the weekend.

Being His

Being His

Yesterday Marc took me and two of the kids out for dinner. He takes us out pretty much every weekend at least once typically far more. Malachi seems to pretty much always choose being with us no matter what other offer is on the table. I noticed a few weeks ago each time we go out to eat he chooses something he has not ever eaten and it’s usually on the expensive side. The first time we went out Marc told him he could choose as he wanted. There were not any restrictions. I am positive that he has ever felt that was the case before dinner with Marc. Dinner was always on a budget and even if it wasn’t it was just known to us we weren’t worth those expensive meals. The man in my life has ALWAYS controlled the finances ( dispute it being my area of expertise) even if I was the bread winner. It was the man who got the expensive meal and we did our best to stay as low as possible. Most occasions the kids and I got water while the man choose as he pleased. We were not the priority. It’s not that Marc’s financial status is greater as you would think. If there was a budget for the meal with Marc we wouldn’t know as it is him who would adjust his meal to a lower price to compensate. We aren’t beneath him as we have spent our lives feeling before. There isn’t a pack of cigarettes or a bottle that will come before us being spoiled. When we got home from dinner laying on his chest I had tears flowing down my face trying to explain to him what he does for us. I swear he is the very best thing for my health and stability. I think he got a bit of what I was trying to say but he doesn’t grasp how much we appreciate his love. I’d give my last breath to him without hesitation. I have found it a bit difficult because feeling this happy and loved shows me so much of what I was lacking. My entire life no one could give me this. I just never ever could feel loved. It was a lonely pathetic existence. I was always trying to change, trying not to say no, trying to be what and where they wanted so someone would pretend to love me. Marc never even had to say the words. I felt his love far before he said them. I trusted in it before he asked me to. I feel it in my soul. Not all of the kids feel it that deeply. Some are still worried he will walk away. That negative actions will send him running like the rest. I know Jade feels unworthy of it. I know she needs his love as badly as I do. I can’t wait till the day I can see he has melted all that for her. I know he will as I know he truly loves us all. He loves my crazy even. I have had hard time thinking my emotional wreck self is lovable. You know the one where in your head you know you look like a lunatic from the outside but 7 kids, no sleep, 3 baby daddies, and life that shit just made you unable to calm down and be a rational human being in anyway.  He loves that me! I can see him as nothing less then completely perfect. He has woke up and now I can’t seem to find a thing important enough to write with cuddles so openly available. If I lay down he will pat his chest like Tarzan for me to take my place on it. I get so excited to be his Jane. 🙂

Loved me through the worst

Loved me through the worst

I really had no idea how broken I was until he loved me. A lifetime of pain made me a shell of who I am suppose to be. I had told a horrendous lie that I thought was simply the only choice on the table. I held that lie with my life. I let it control my life. I allowed my kids dad to black mail me over this lie. The power I gave that lie and the person holding it was consuming. I left the man who loved me in attempt to hide my lie. I felt at a fork where I was choosing my love, or my kids. That left me with no choice at all because what mother could choose anything over her offspring. In a panic I found myself complying to all the rules and ultimatums as I always have. I was instantly miserable and depressed. A black cloud surrounded me within mins. 5 hours of complete agony. Five hours snout down my face crying gasping for my breath. I was clearly in a panic attack. I wouldn’t even open the door my love could not even look me in the eyes. He couldn’t look at me and fix things because I wouldn’t allow him. I told him nothing of the lie or the black mail. I just cried uncontrollably. He got down on the floor. Under the door he grabbed my hand. My heart sank my tears poured how badly I wanted to be on his chest. How could I choose him over my kids? Hours later I unlocked the door. I poured out my heart and pleaded for his love. It never faulted. It mattered none of why I left him with a letter. He never cared about any of the events just how he could help me fix them. He simply wanted to protect me. He didn’t have any anger. I couldn’t even fathom how he could be there. How he  could love me after me leaving in that way. I tried to plan and execute us keeping the secret under wraps until we had what we needed for our dreams. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let another man speak so ill of the one I loved. I couldn’t let another man touch me. I couldn’t pretend. I blew it all and the flood gates opened. The lie poured out and damage was monumental. My heart wrenched for my son. I wanted badly to scream from the rooftops why my choice was the only one I had. I was willing to give up the only man I had ever loved to protect the lie. Protect my child. I failed. It is all out. I may never see him. I may never get forgiveness. My heart shattered but there is no more anyone can do. It’s all over now. My penance paid. The statue of limitations is over I had kept the lie long enough. The damage is still far to great for me to see the light yet. I do know he will love me through it. I know I won’t be alone. My pain won’t be by burden to myself. He will be there and he will get me through it. I haven’t ever had so much faith in anything as I do in his love. I know we will find a way to make things right again together 🙂

The Daycare Provider

The Daycare Provider

I am 18 years old. I am a mother of 2 at the time with my third to be on the way. I have completed my high school education and I am feeling trapped by my abusive husband, my children, my life. I decided that I could go to college for free. I could easily get state aide to provide payment for the daycare and I could get a grant for college. I could do something with my life! What a plan. I worked diligently to put it in action. Let me tell you what understand dhs and the requirements to get into college, daycare paid, books bought, and I had no license at the time. So getting my license was a large task to complete as well to make this happen for me. I had my heart set I was so excited. I pulled off dot after dot on my to do list. I found what seemed like the perfect daycare. The home in a rich sub division. The nanny a young married woman with impeccable cleaning skills. She was licensed and made nutritious meals. I took so much pride in the achievements even though it went unnoticed to everyone else. I remember talking of buying the books to my grandma. I had put up a ad at the local grocery store to babysit and I had babysit with taking my kids to earn the cash for my school books. Well grams thought I was ridiculous. I’d never finish I was wasting my children’s money. As that is who it rightfully should be used for not books. So I didn’t share much of anything about the journey at Lmc that year. I thought the daycare provider was my friend. I think I have pretty much always had a need for that ” friend “. My husband had told me to invite her out one night. We went to karaoke at the sliver beach bar. I knew by the third drink his red headed ass drank I would not enjoy the night. I had no idea how much it would destroy me from the inside. They drank and I mean they drank heavily. I stayed sober of course I was pregnant. My pregnancies we always awful. I was very ill and I had preterm babies. I wasn’t able to have sex. My husband didn’t think waiting was in his duties. He took the daycare provider home that night. He took her to my bed. He repeatedly called me to the room when his drunken state left him unable to stay hard for her. Making me help erect his cock. I’d race from the room and retreat to the kitchen the furthest room from them hoping I could drawn out what they were doing from my mind. He’d call me in again her this time wanting me in there. 🙁 I cried and I cried. I slammed the fridge in anger once after leaving the room and Keith ran out and grabbed my throat looking deep in my eyes and telling me not to do that again. I slept that night in my children’s bedroom floor under the crib. I sobbed and I sobbed. I never could feel good about being naked after. Not until I meet Marc. I couldn’t have confidence to be nude. The Daycare provider’s name was Megan. She and Keith would begin to see each other regularly. Even though she was married herself. She became pregnant in fact. Keith claims the child to be his although Michigan law made him her husband’s. In anger I tried to tell her husband. Keith eventually left me taking every possession I owned. The two of them making me into the monster who was crazy. I was biter and vindictive they would say. I think it changed friendship for me. I can’t trust. I can’t be open. She flaunted that she was better at everything a better wife took better care of the kids. She was his age she had the education and the time as a mom I hadn’t gotten yet. She stole it all from me for awhile. Later dropping it all like a bad habit. I am sure that was about the time she realized what that life she stole entailed.  I desperately wanted to ask her if it was worth it? If her son now is a constant reminder to the person she was to me and her own husband. The man that she had promised to love? I heard she later divorced, remarried, and moved away. I felt relieved knowing we wouldn’t bump into each other at some grocery store. Keith has showed the pictures of his son to myself and the kids. Bragging still of the time he had with her. They’re face book friendship and so fourth. It makes me sick to my stomach. It hurts that one day just as he and his mom did for his grandma and her children. My kids will search for the answers and siblings that they don’t know about and will hear of all these horrid tales. Of the children carelessly created and how they have no relationship or knowledge because their father never could figure out how to be a father. My heart breaks that my pain could be their’s one day.

Being Branded…..

The day that I meet my first husband was also the day I meet the man I’d later let brand me. It was at a party at a dinging, dirty, disgusting trailer in the country side. The trailer was owned by my first husband’s mother and he was the only one residing in it. Living off mommies coat tails as I use to say. Jeff was the cousin I am not sure if there was an actual blood relation as Keith called many cousin’s who weren’t actually that. Jeff was tall and mysterious. He worked at the same job that I had at the time. When I moved in with Keith it was Jeff that was my protector. It was him who would hand me the Tylenol after the fights. I grew close to him and his family. Nicki his cousin and right hand becoming my very best friend. The only person I had trusted back then. I remember not knowing that shaving pubic region was a thing and Jeff chasing me around the house telling me I had a bush. He took pliers teasing he would pull them out. It was only a few months into living together that Keith’s jealousy ended Jeff residing in our home. Jeff got into trouble and he went on the run. It never stopped us from talking. Throughout years of being in opposite states and separate lives we always stayed in contact. Jeff eventually got picked up and sent to prison. Letter after letter I sent to him. Telling him all of my deepest secrets I held so close. Phone calls and letters continued throughout the years. We made plans of marriage of him whisking me away from all that was and us creating a life together. I am not sure any of the outside world knew how close we had grown. Of course I am not sure if that was only existing in my reality or if he shared such thoughts. It felt like a lifetime he was incarcerated and life carried on on the outside of those bars. From 0 to 8 kids I had gone. When he got out I wasn’t single but dropped everything to run to him. I left the man I was dating at his home to be picked up and taken to Jeff. I had no words to mouth to him. I was shocked he was here standing before me. This was the day my dreams were suppose to come true. This was suppose to be the time that my fairy tale would begin. Yet neither of us could speak to the other. We spent the majority of the day together like that. Barely speaking not having any words. I texted of my children and I am sure that was an overwhelming conversation. He had not planned to come home to a ready made family of the numbers mine had. Another girl was texting him too… One who was a friend of a friend or maybe she was suppose to be a friend too. The second that I heard I had held a vengeance and anger in my heart for her. Jeff teased to the house how she was speaking of blowing him and needing a ride there. Everything I had believed in was a lie. I just kind of distanced myself for awhile. My return to the group showed them now in a relationship. I tried not to think of the empty promises and of the lifetime of letters. The more time I was around the more Jeff made it clear he had a burning desire to sleep with me. He married….. It deterred nothing. He would ask me over with lies or claims to needing smoke or wanting to tat me and then take each opportunity to touch me he could. My mind went in two entirely different directions. One side thinking this man is playing you he is married who cares if he is unhappy your no ones second choice. The other side thinking that this man came home from prison and you had over a half a dozen kids. How could he not be overwhelmed can you blame him for not choosing you? Let him make things right it’s you he loves. I would cling to everything he said. The speaking of how awful his marriage was. How love less it was. I would hear his wife with the same complaints. The day he did the tattoo on my back the one that was suppose to be a tinker bell but who knows what the final outcome is cause I surely can’t tell. He kissed down my neck and confessed his love for me. Months went by like this. Text, calls, adultery.  I don’t even know who I became. I did every single thing he asked. I never questioned the pain I would cause when everything came to light. Why the hell should I feel guilty clearly she took him from me. He placed every doubt in their marriage I needed into my head. I told him I could not be in his bed unless he left her. That night when I left their home I thought it was over. I had refused sex and left him angry. I told him it was over I would no longer continue this lie of a life. By 7 am my phone had been ridden with calls of him leaving her. He had packed his things was at his mothers and waiting for me. My heart raced maybe he did love me. Maybe him being with her was a mistake and now he was going to right all the wrongs in my heart and be mine. I ran to him. Letting in drama and anger from every direction. I took off to the next state hiding in hotel rooms. Dreaming of a life with him. Laying on a bed one day he told me I was his and would be his till the day I died. I had conformed to being exactly what he wanted. I went to bat with my landlord to allow him to live in a home he was not legally able. I allowed cps into my life because of his background. The wife he had was biter and rightfully so as she too tried many avenues to ruin my life. Laying on that bed though everything seemed perfect. I mean he was with me telling me he loved me. That I was his. I laid back and he asked to brand me his. How my mind could think that this was a good idea I have no idea. The 26 year old me sure had a lot she needed to learn. I allowed him to tattoo his name all the way across my vagina and take pictures to share with the world. Can you imagine the backlash I got and the pride he took in branding me property. I truly believed I belonged to him. Belonged to a man as if I was property a married man. One that was not my husband. Things went down hill from the moment I allowed him to brand me. Everything I couldn’t see I can now. The selfishness that was Jeff. I had allowed myself to become someone that was a disgrace to my character. I can’t escape the memories as I am still branded. I am amazed by how much a man is able to change me and who I am. Bringing in one toxic man will destroy all that is good in your life. I can’t forgive myself for who I became while thinking I was in love with him. I can’t forget it as much as I wish I could. I want to forgive myself for the choices I made with a foggy mind. I wish I had known then what I know now. I wish I could take back the foul choices I made.