What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

It’s been such a long month! Like seriously so long. Emotionally it’s felt as though I was on the biggest and boldest rollercoaster known to man. Hailey graduated. She did it. Her being her mother’s child and all. She wants so badly to show her family her accomplishments and feel their pride. Longing to be …

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I wish that I could go back and lead a better example. Never understanding how to pick friends myself I passed those traits to my children. Clinging to toxic needing friendships was my motive. There was a clear need for me to be needed. Finding comfort in being the nurturer in the friendship. Maybe even the mother, the clear responsible one.

I’ve since learned how to better chose who I have in my life and the boundaries I put in place. But a day too late because my kids were watching my failures at building those healthy friendships. They too now sit often in pain from choosing unhealthy friendships. So badly do I wish I could go back and be a better example. Catching on sooner than I did.

Sadly I instilled in my children the same fears I had of being alone. Clingy to those unhealthy relationships as if they are a need. The fear of that lonely feeling. It often lead me to succumb to being someone I was not.

Last Night watching my daughter do just as I spent most of my life doing my heart wrenched. There isn’t anything I can do about the example I gave now. Only thing there is to do is move forward doing better. Longing for them to find everlasting healthy friendships and relationships.

I truly thought it was painful to go through it all but it’s far worse to watch your children repeat your mistakes. Moving forward I will do better.

February 7, 2021

Having Hailey so close to graduation is just more joy than I can even explain. The first to walk across that stage! Remembering back to how many times my grandparents told me I would have a grandchild by now. How many assumptions they had made to her and to my parenting. Thing was I talked …

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grayscale photo of man sleeping on a bench

At four am I woke with the need to use the restroom something fierce. My bedroom being the addition the the house and by bathroom inside of the bathroom it can get a bit nipply in there. By the time I get back into bed I am just shivering and freezing. I flip the blankets …

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Guys I just can’t brag enough about how much I have improved my hustle game recently. Remember that Iphone I got myself last year? When I got it I was determined to make sure that I made it worth the money. I wanted the phone to essentially pay for itself. I was a girl on …

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As a mother there has never been a more trying time in my life. Almost a year and a half ago I took Clare to her pediatrician. Turned out he wasn’t in the office that day and we seen one of his colleagues. Clare was having back and leg pain. An x-ray showed her being …

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I have 4 children with special needs. Each with very unique needs of their own. Paytyn is the child with the most struggles. He can’t sit still for any reason. No matter how interested he is in the task laid out before him he can’t stay focused for long. Mere moments is all you get …

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So it’s always been a well known fact that outside of me no one has ever been thrilled to the idea of the number of kids I have. I don’t think anyone was ever excited of my pregnancy at all. Everyone seen it as a burden I think. There was always talk of what I …

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I think the love I longed for the most growing up was that of a father. When my Dad ( Scott) disappeared I looked for a father in every man that came home with my Mom. A few now I can only remember faces, some still have names to the faces, and their are those …

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This year my Mother’s Day was far different than any other. Normally it’s pretty much like any other day. In fact most of the days that were intended to be my special days turned out pretty awful. When your in an abusive relationship it’s just kinda what happens. I don’t think a selfish man knows …

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