What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle


I wish that I could go back and lead a better example. Never understanding how to pick friends myself I passed those traits to my children. Clinging to toxic needing friendships was my motive. There was a clear need for me to be needed. Finding comfort in being the nurturer in the friendship. Maybe even the mother, the clear responsible one.

I’ve since learned how to better chose who I have in my life and the boundaries I put in place. But a day too late because my kids were watching my failures at building those healthy friendships. They too now sit often in pain from choosing unhealthy friendships. So badly do I wish I could go back and be a better example. Catching on sooner than I did.

Sadly I instilled in my children the same fears I had of being alone. Clingy to those unhealthy relationships as if they are a need. The fear of that lonely feeling. It often lead me to succumb to being someone I was not.

Last Night watching my daughter do just as I spent most of my life doing my heart wrenched. There isn’t anything I can do about the example I gave now. Only thing there is to do is move forward doing better. Longing for them to find everlasting healthy friendships and relationships.

I truly thought it was painful to go through it all but it’s far worse to watch your children repeat your mistakes. Moving forward I will do better.

February 7, 2021

So many negative post in a row. Needs a change up. I’ve been seriously making so much growth within myself it’s unreal. Striving to be the best me and perfect that image I will leave behind of myself. Taking the time to decide what I wanted in life. As cheesy as it may sound I …

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Having Hailey so close to graduation is just more joy than I can even explain. The first to walk across that stage! Remembering back to how many times my grandparents told me I would have a grandchild by now. How many assumptions they had made to her and to my parenting. Thing was I talked …

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grayscale photo of man sleeping on a bench

At four am I woke with the need to use the restroom something fierce. My bedroom being the addition the the house and by bathroom inside of the bathroom it can get a bit nipply in there. By the time I get back into bed I am just shivering and freezing. I flip the blankets …

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Isn’t it funny how much a memory can be different depending on who tells the story. Our perceptions of the same even are so different. I wish I were typing to say someone recollection of a memory doesn’t have a hold on me. Longing to post about how I have moved on from those holds …

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My Fozzy Subaru

Recently I stopped all contact with my blood family. Well the majority of them anyway. That prompted all the nasty comments from them about how I am trying to replace them. Or how much they were there for me. For a year now those comments have been haunting me. I wanted to shout are you …

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Guys I just can’t brag enough about how much I have improved my hustle game recently. Remember that Iphone I got myself last year? When I got it I was determined to make sure that I made it worth the money. I wanted the phone to essentially pay for itself. I was a girl on …

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As a mother there has never been a more trying time in my life. Almost a year and a half ago I took Clare to her pediatrician. Turned out he wasn’t in the office that day and we seen one of his colleagues. Clare was having back and leg pain. An x-ray showed her being …

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It’s been awhile again I know. It’s hard to find the time to sit now and write. I completed my last day of treatment last Monday. I got to ring the bell that I was so excited to ring. It wasn’t the same as I had seen from others. I rang it alone. I hadn’t …

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My entire life my perception of family was negative. Flopping around as a child and even more so as a teen I had no stability. It was easy for me to make a mistake and the price I paid for them always seemed to be more love lost. Being a cute baby I am sure …

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