Deadpool 2

Deadpool 2

Last night Marc took Allen, Clare, and myself out to the movies. A movie that Allen was really wanting to see. We don’t often get much time with Allen. He doesn’t get into as much that is relatable for us. He is very much the biggest home body of the kids. I was excited to spend the weekend hanging out with him. He is 16 now and far more grown than I’d like him to be. Can he just slow down already!!!! Clare Bear truly is a very well behaved girl. So the two for the weekend would be very peaceful and easy on me for sure. We bought our tickets online prior to our arrival. Just four seats left at the celebration cinema. Neither of the two kids had ever been. For a frugal family like us that is just not the theater of our choice. It is absolutely every bit of double priced to our go to theater. The seats are twice as comfortable though as they recline. The theater twice as big. The customer service however is no where near the quality we get at our local wonderland. We print our tickets at the kiosk. Head straight for snacks. The kids are shocked when Marc let them pick any item they wanted and a drink! They even asked me privately if it was really okay. I pass out the drink cups and we move to the drink station. Once again Clare stops me. Can I get any drink I want here too??? Yes, Marc lets you chose anything. They really haven’t ever had someone as selfless outside of me. Even though I am selfless I always have kept us to such a strict budget that I kept boundaries tight with choices. I didn’t really think of how that might show them their worth doing so. I was just making sure I could pay the bills you know… I am grateful now for the weekends that make lets them feel priceless. He gives me that same fantastic feeling all the time. Okay, okay this blog is about a movie not Marc lol. So we have our drinks and Marc his popcorn and off to our seats we are. They are going to deliver our pretzels that me and both kids all got. I truly enjoy this too. Not having to carry it all to my seat teetering things on my arms hoping I can keep track of kids and open the door and not spill my nacho cheese. So I love the convenience of this. Here is the problem, they took and tried handing my pretzels to 3 different people. They had no idea where to take my food. When they did find us because we begun flagging them down saying it was ours the pretzels were very cold. The last time I came they were delicious so I was very disappointed. The movie begun and I looked over to the kiddos. Reclined raving of the cool experience this theater was for them.

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I heard Allen's laughter in the movie multiple times. I think that alone made me just love the movie. I kept looking from the kids to Marc and thinking how truly blessed I was. 20180519_1920401698554971.jpg The movie was funny and I even stayed awake through the whole thing. It was 2 hours long but didn't feel it. Allen's opinion was the 1st was better but I enjoyed the both. I enjoyed time with my family and their laughter. It was a great evening.

The love I needed and never got is now the love my daughter is looking for…. I so tried to not let the cycle continue.

The love I needed and never got is now the love my daughter is looking for…. I so tried to not let the cycle continue.

I think the love I longed for the most growing up was that of a father. When my Dad ( Scott) disappeared I looked for a father in every man that came home with my Mom. A few now I can only remember faces, some still have names to the faces, and their are those I have no memory of but pictures galore of me in their arms. The love I was searching for was unconditional. You know the kind where you can fuck up and still be loved. The kind where the size of your mistake or the depth of your flaws make no difference. The love that can only come from a parent. The kind of love that wraps you up and consumes you. I guess I am speaking as if I know what that love feels like but I don’t. The efforts I made to feel it, to gain it were never successful. I waited at the door for Scott, by the phone waiting for it to ring. It rarely did. I chose to go alone to visits when he did show so I didn’t have to share his attention with anyone else. It was so lonely after awhile sitting in a movie theater with him snoring. Sitting at a bar him flirty with anything skinny with tits. It did not matter what I said or did. What fabricated story I had of some glorious accomplishment. He only listened and engaged if I was to speak badly of my mom. His anger for her trumped any love for me is exactly how I felt. I was never worthy of his love. When Rik came around I had just been raped. By a bf of my mom’s that I only remember by his first name ” Brian”. My mom and him split and she meet Rik what felt like rather quickly as a child. I honestly really couldn’t tell you the actually story for that or time gap. I know that emotionally I was going through more than I could bare alone. The day that it happened my mom was stranded on road with some car trouble and it was my fault as I was to busy being raped to answer her call. I lied and said I had gone to his house. I left out him being at ours and taking me. I left out how my panties were soaked in blood from the events that had happened. I took her punishment and screams and I cried to myself. When Rik came I wanted him to prove he wasn’t the rest. Prove that a unruly teen was worthy of his love. I acted out for his love. I acted out of the move. I acted out totally unable to process the emotions I was dealing with. In return I made myself hard to love. I ran away seeking love elsewhere….. 16 and Rik and my mom are still together….. Maybe he will love me he has stuck around through some shit right… They had put me in private school one that Rik attended. I was no longer living at home and just wanted to make him proud. Get his attention. I got a job at the dq in niles. It was owned by a man on the school board. He paid me an additional 50 cents a hour on my tuition. I lived in south bend and carpooled to st joe. Every morning I got up at 4 am and I went to this gas station where I prayed like hell my ride would show. On the days she didn’t I sat at a gas station from 4 am to 4pm alone in south bend! AS a CHILD! I did that trying to make Rik notice, make him proud. let me come home. No one cared. I spent my entire check from work on the carpool to get to school. I rarely even had a lunch to eat at school. No one noticed, no one cared, my efforts to make them proud in any positive form went totally unnoticed. I eventually gave it all up. Later getting my ged with a 3 month old. Even later as and adult I tried again to make Rik proud with my education status. I went to college late in life, I enrolled and passed tons of classes by with my placement testing. ( not bad for freshmen drop out) I worked my ass of and took a full 18 credits per semester. I called my dad (rik) constantly with updates of grades and presentations. I screenshot him scores and results. I reached and reached for his attention, time and love. Let me tell you as an adult to reach so desperately and not achieve it leaves you feeling pathetic! I remember in a fight Chuck telling me that Rik didn’t give a fuck about my grades and was probably tired of me calling him from school everyday. I remember arguing and saying he was wrong. I stopped calling Rik that day to prove he would call me. HE didn’t ever call. It was almost graduation time and I had always asked Rik to buy me this brick for the graduation one that had something cute about a mom of 8 did this anyone can. My name and my grad year. He told me if I pulled it off he would do it for me. I sent him the link and everything when I knew I was graduating. I had this whole conversation with myself as to how many times I would remind him before I was begging him to be there again. Something I did not want to do at all. I decided 10 that was it just 10 reminders and count downs to when he couldn’t purchase any longer and when I would graduate. After that I would let him decide my worth essentially. After 10 reminders I went silent. I of course posted on facebook daily reminders to the world of when this mom would walk with her hat on. Chuck knew they wouldn’t get me that brick no one would. He had purchased it long before I had been let down but left it a surprise. I wish he hadn’t actually though seeing the brick and knowing that my family didn’t do it. That they never even went to see theirs daughters name. It was more painful then no brick at all. No one showed when I graduated. Later they said they didn’t know. I didn’t remind enough. Thing was I just wasn’t important enough. As an adult I stayed in a severely abusive relationship because I knew Rik wanted that. HE loved Chuck thought he was just the greatest. They had many talks over me being crazy and Rik not knowing how Chuck could do it. In fact Rik gave Chuck a truck telling him never to put in my name. In the garage that day Rik and Chuck had a conversation that I got third party about him being a good man and staying with me. How Rik couldn’t believe he had. I wondered how such a thing could be said about a man that beat me so badly. I wondered if Rik really thought that was all I was worth. Wasn’t even 2 months that the truck had breaks go out and Chuck drove it to scrap yard for a bag. Leaving the kids with no way to get to the grocery store. Karma I guess the truck crushed because I could do nothing to stop it cause it was me that Rik thought to little of it was me he thought would be in line at the scrap yard. It was me with the tears and the cuts down my leg to the words Chuck spewed of his conversation with Rik that day.

I remember Chuck saying Rik doesn't really like you much does he. The next year I begged for Christmas time with him for him to be angry that I was making it seem like he wouldn't make time for us. He never did make that time. I never seen him a single holiday since. He never called there was never a Christmas card in the mail. I was just forgotten. As I knew I would be. I still keep reaching of course. Jade she is exactly the same. She goes through all the same emotions with Chuck and keith. Now Marc stepping in and he feels frustrated as he sees her playing both sides. Acting out, being defiant. I see and hear her after she has done something to make Marc proud. She too trys in school for him as I did for Rik. She too gets excited for something as simple as a hug. She wants to see he will love her unconditional. She wants to see what she is worth to him. I know what a bumpy hard road it will be for him to show her he loves her. I know how bumpy it will be for her to believe it. I am so grateful for all I felt as a child and all I endured because I can so easily help her and him learn and understand each other. I can whisper in his ear an accomplishment she has achieved and he will go give her the attention she longs for from it.

Clare Bear’s Final Concert Of The Year

My middle daughter was born at 26 weeks. Can you imagine? She weighed less than a pound and spent a lengthy four months in the nicu. She has struggled all of her life to play catch up. Ieps, title classes, speech therapy. you name it she has been in it. So it’s safe to say she struggles. Reading by far the hardest for her to accomplish. She now has been diagnosed with a basic reading disability. When she came to me wanting to play in the band I must admit I discouraged it somewhat. I had 3 kids in band and knew what was expected and I thought it would be overwhelming for her. To my surprise she flourished. Sitting in the second chair out of over a dozen clarinet players. I of course attend all the kids functions humanly possible missing only a handful for work or health reasons only. This week, yesterday was Clare’s last performance of the year. She can tend to be one of the quieter more shy kids and often doesn’t find a way to shine above the others. Now she is the only kid left in band. I was so excited to be there for her and support her. When the flyer came home I eagerly asked Marc to come. He agreed instantly.  I don’t think he’d missed it for anything outside of work either to be honest. He showers us with so much love and attention I can’t imagine even work making him miss something important for one of us. On Mother’s Day I excited asked Marc to invite his family. I wasn’t sure if they would be able to make it. His father still works and I wasn’t sure the schedule and his mom’s health isn’t the greatest. I heard back the night prior that they would be in attendance. I thought I would let them surprise Clare. Normally I would refrain from telling her who was coming because I was not ever sure who would really show up for her. This wasn’t the case yesterday as I knew Marc and his family would not ever let us down. I normally pace and watch the door hoping and praying not to be let down and get let down anyway. This time I was watching in pure excitement. I had no fear of that let down just anticipation for them to arrive and share the experience with us. I arrived to the school 45 mins early to acquire those front row seats I had to have. Clare’s face light up when Marc’s parents took their seats next to us. She cheesed so big at our applause. I knew she felt special. I knew her heart was full of the love and attention she was given. Mine was bursting. Each time Marc would rub down my arm and hold my hand I beamed. My smile made my face begin to hurt. I was just so happy sitting in those awful hard seats in that humid gymnasium. Clare performed perfectly. I could not have been more proud of her. I hollered her name in praise a few times. I got huge hugs upon departing and Clare was giving away hugs cheerfully. I have a family guys…. One that TRULY LOVES US!

Such a small sign of affection can have a massive impact on the heart <3

When I turned 13 my step dad entered my life. I know that must have been a wild ride for him. I had lots of boundaries to test and limits to push to make sure he wasn’t like everyone else had been. To make sure his love was genuine before I could or would let him in. I am still not sure that was ever obtained as a child but I can say that looking back now I remember far more good than I do bad when I recollect of memories of him. The biggest thing I remember is princess kisses and math home work. I was a whiz at math but I would pretend to not be so I could have his time helping me. I would even create homework I didn’t actually have for that time. Being a step dad the physical affection can be a bit more uneasy. I am sure that is why he gave me the kisses I so fondly called princess kisses. He would kiss my forehead and tell me he was proud of me for any good math grade. Typically a half hug around the top of my shoulders and a kiss to the forehead. I use to crave those things and bust ass on some math to get those lol. The other day my daughter and I in the car and she says mom you know what I like the most about Marc. She liked the hugs! He gives her a hug whenever she accomplishes a goal set before her or set by herself. He gives he a hug when she gets her school work up. He wraps his arms around her each time he is proud of her. It resonated deep within her as love. When she spoke so fondly of the hugs she loved I remembered the princess kisses I so adored. Marc fulfills that need for me now too as he knows those kisses meant so much as a child he showers me with them now too. Hailey said she never had anyone hug her like Marc does and I knew exactly what she meant. I know he is the one just as Rik was the one for my mother all those years ago. I know her resistance is the same I showed Rik. See she has opened up more than once to be left with a whole in her heart and Marc will have to take the time to mend it before that will dissipate. I know she loves him and I know she wants his time but giving time is a vulnerability she will not easily give him. I can’t wait for her wall to crumble and her revel in his love for her.

One Very Memorable Mother’s Day

One Very Memorable Mother’s Day

This year my Mother’s Day was far different than any other. Normally it’s pretty much like any other day. In fact most of the days that were intended to be my special days turned out pretty awful. When your in an abusive relationship it’s just kinda what happens. I don’t think a selfish man knows how to turn over an entire day devoted to another. I’ve gotten gifts from baby daddies and kiddos and my mother often not that I was never gifted or that it was not intended to make me feel good but the intention was never obtained that is for sure. This year started in complete chaos as the kids father whom they hadn’t seen in an entire year only had my day available to visit with the kids. So I had to give up my time for him. It took a lot of swallowing my pride to allow him that morning and to not let it show that it was hurtful to do so. I never want to share my kids. I am selfish in wanting all of their time. Time I know I won’t take for granted. I had made the arrangements for Keith to get his kids around 12 noon. That morning he called about 9 asking for them in thirty mins. I had kids in two seperate locations thinking I had still had several hours. I had the entire day planned out now here it was all about to change. Guess who hates change? ME! Of course I roll with the punches because this is for my kids. Mother’s never get a day to be selfish even on a day labeled for us. I got the kids all in one place just in time for Keith to arrive and pick them up. I was quite pleased that he showed and made effort and feeling a little less sad about sharing my time when I seen the excitement in my kids face to see him. After Keith took the kids I retreated back to the bedroom blogging while my love napped a bit. We got up and started to pack for our picnic day with his family and mine. We were to meet Keith at the park so we were preparing to pick up the 4 kids that weren’t with Keith. As we are  to walk out the door the phone rings. It’s Keith who is done and has nowhere to go with the kids about a hour before our scheduled meeting time. So change plans again and wait for him to bring us the kids back to Marc’s house before leaving to get the others. Marc had spent the morning making the chicken taco meat for the walking burrito bowls his sister had planned for the park. So thoughtful it was for her to take on planning and preparing so much amazing food. It was a huge deal to me Marc was making the meat. It seems silly since it was precooked and mixing in a crockpot but gosh was I just beaming at his effort. He isn’t much of a chef and doesn’t enough cooking much. I remember the next day noticing he had washed the crockpot too and that in itself warmed me from the inside. Dishes too are not the man’s thing. Paper products to avoid it at all cost was more his style. Anyway we finally get all the kids in two cars and transported to the park. Upon arrival I see his mom. It had been kept a complete surprise to her and you could see the delight in her face when we pulled in. She greeted each child she had yet to meet informing them they were able to call her grandma if they would like to. It was an extra special gesture to me maybe even more so than the kids. Perhaps my favorite moment of the day in fact. Especially for Paytyn. Paytyn has grandmothers but not those that are involved in any way in his life. If he were to run into them in public he would need to ask me who they are. I know that won’t be the case with Debbie and it felt uplifting. He needs more wonderful people to love him he just doesn’t have enough you know? Autism and bipolar are hard to manage at 6. I enjoyed so much the time we spent at the park as a family. It was not nearly as overwhelming as being with my own would have been. The judgement I feel with mine it’s just not there with Marc’s family. His sister easily laughed off some of Paytyn’s emotional outburst. They engaged in a loving manner at all times. I never get that none of us do. We see hanging with family as a chore. It’s sad and I have often tried to make more of an effort to not see it like that but I just can’t. We had some awesome food turns out April and Marc are both quite the cooks. 🙂 Marc’s mom and Hailey went for a short nature walk at the park and on the way home it was all Hailey could rave of. She has the most resistance for Marc so I was happy to see her bond. I know she wants to let him love her but she has a lot of distrust in her heart. Hard work it will be for Marc to show her he isn’t like that rest. That her behavior and harsh attitude with him at times is only her way of seeing if he will be here through anything. She wants to see if he means what he says because so many others didn’t. I know her actions well cause I was her. At her age in fact. I loved Rik wholeheartedly as my dad but letting him love me was a whole different story. I wish I could give my daughter the wisdom she needs to get through her emotions but I know this is a path she must conquer on her own because mom’s know nothing at this age. My Mother’s day at the park was an incredible high for me!! I was so filled with love. I counted 8 hugs that day between Marc’s mother and I. There was no key chain to tell me she loved me. She used actions and words. Pretty special moment for sure. After about 3 hours at the park it was too cold for the kids to be entertained anymore. In and out of the car and water they went. Malachi dove under and caught a large snapping turtle. Putting everyone in the park at awe for a moment. We all took pictures and set the little guy free again. Aaden he found a skeleton and giggled to no end while chasing his sisters with it. We seen and Engret across the water. We got to watch him for quite some time in fact and watched him take off in flight. He was a stunning bird. Upon leaving we headed to Marc’s I should have known this would not be a pleasant experience. Paytyn was not ever going to want to leave. As I thought it was a total meltdown. He was yelling and cursing outside in Marc’s yard. My gut wrenched at what would the landlord or neighbors think. I raced to get him and get him into the car. He kicked me and threw himself. “I hate you!!! YOUR A DICK!!! YOUR A JERK !!! I HATE MY LIFE!!! ” My tears were flowing. I get him into the car and a sibling holding him down and run inside to tell Marc I am leaving now! He looks at  me with a look I see as frustration. He throws his hands up and says I guess I will get there when I do.  I stop for a moment putting my arms around him and saying I am sorry don’t be upset at me. My son needs me to go and I race back out of the house. Marc follows right behind me and we leave at the same time Paytyn in my car. We get a few blocks before the screaming child in the back seat is opening the back door and trying to jump from the moving vehicle. My heart stops I pull over immediately and address the situation. His anger just continues to escalate. Hailey does her best to aide me in calming him to no avail. She holds him down for the rest of the trip into his seat buckled. I cry and cry. I can only think of Marc being angry, and me being a failure as a parent. My son hates me. I cried the entire ride. I ball in Marc’s arms as soon as we get home. He clarifies he wasn’t upset at me at all and just didn’t understand in the moment. He giggles at the thought of me being so upset from thinking he was upset. I calm and get the kids and house under control and Marc heads home. So my evening wasn’t the greatest but how great is it to not be going through that alone. I know my son loves me more then he loves anything else in the world but in those moments it’s hard to remember. Having Marc able to help defuse and help remind me of my son’s love in the moments he isn’t so loving is a true blessing. I had the very best Mother’s Day

Bass Pro Dessert YUMMY

Bass Pro Dessert YUMMY

Saturday after our fun dinner experience Marc decided we just hadn’t had nearly enough fun. Next door to us was the Bass Pro Shop and clearly the ideal place for us to have dessert. So we promptly headed over after finishing up dinner. The kids were blown away by the size of the building before we ever even entered inside. It is pretty impressive in size. Walking up there are ponds to the side of the walk way that gave the kids a roar of excitement from within. It also quickly gave way to the realization that Malachi didn’t have enough meat on his bones to keep him warm while we checked out these ponds. He was shivering pretty quickly and we hurried inside. When we walked in the kids had so much to look at they missed the ginormous fish tank that sits in the bar section of the restaurant. We ended up spending an entire hour in the store walking around. We checked out the fresh water and salt water tanks. We we intrigued by all of the stuffed animals that we scattered throughout the store. Malachi was fascinated by everything. Upstairs which we arrived at via a glass elevator there was a shooting range. It had different targets on fake animals and probably 20 guns to shoot from. It cost just 50 cents a play. I think you got about 15 shoots and it kept your score. The four of us took our hands 3 times playing against each other. Malachi winning each time. I myself found the guns to be far heavier than I had imagined them being. I felt weak pretty quickly and struggled to hold them up. I actually felt a bit sad over realizing how frail I can be especially with my right side. I may miss out on some experiences over it. I enjoyed the entire day with my love and the kids and tried not to think about the negatives. WE sat for dessert just before closing both kids opted from eating anything at all as they were still full and the menu had no pictures on it so nothing was calling their name. Marc and I both got ourselves the smores skillet. It was a double chocolate cookie cooked in the bottom of a skilled covered in mini marshmallows that were then toasted to the top. It was good but very rich. I ended up sharing mine with the two kids who hadn’t gotten anything and Marc finished his all on his own. I’d absolutely go back and I know Hailey would really enjoy it.


Quaker Steak and Lube Dinning

Quaker Steak and Lube Dinning

Yesterday we had made plans to take our very own Clare Bear out to dinner. It was to be a celebration. You see my Clare Bear is my shy girl of the bunch. A social butterfly with her peers but often has trouble interacting with other adults or those she doesn’t know. Earlier in the week Clare had decided she really wanted to join a stem camp. In order to successfully join she would need paperwork filled out and a recommendation from a teacher. They would take a look at things like behavior and attendance and that recommendation when they made their choice as to which kids got into camp. It was a pretty big deal to Clare so we made sure it was to us too. I mean after all it’s a lot and I do mean a whole lot of work to get me to sign papers. Finding a pen, getting me to sit still to read and fill them out, it’s quite the task in itself. So that took her a couple of days to accomplish. I didn’t hear anything more about it in fact once my signature hit the paper. On Friday Clare and I went to check the mail and in it had a letter from the school address to her parent. She always gets nervous of letters like that even though never had even one been anything negative to fret. The letter was her acceptance into the stem camp! She was too excited as I was driving and let her open it. I got o watch her face light up as her excitement grew within throughout reading her letter.  We whisked off to our weekend with Marc and upon sharing the news with him it was immediately decided we would celebrate with dinner sometime over the weekend. We tossed several dinner our ideas around in our head. Clare had a pretty clear choice of what she wanted to eat. The girl needed her some cheese fries! So cheese fries it was going to be. Marc decided that Quaker Steak and Lube would be a fun choice that would surely have cheese fries. Kalamazoo bound we were. It is about an hour drive from home to dinner. Upon arrival we were taken back instantly by all there was to see. There were cars and motorcycles hanging from the ceiling. It had the appearance of a garage or a mechanic shop. We were seated in a both in a room that was to be the corvette room. In actuality it did have several things that were misplaced to that theme though. Marc was able to quickly point them out. There was a picture of a Porsche and a Ferrari both on the Corvette wall. It was kind of fun picking out the things that were out of place. They had some really awesome stuff to look at while you waited. Our waitress was dressed in all black. Her top had a neck piece that just didn’t look right. It resembled a turtle neck that had maybe been a bit stretched out. It didn’t have a professional appearance at all. It caught my eye as being off each time she had come to the table in fact. The other servers had Lube shirts that were clearly uniforms. Those had the garage look that I believe they were trying to obtain. The menu was as I expected wings, chicken strips, burgers, and of course the loaded fries our Clare Bear had requested. I myself didn’t think I was up for much food. I picked a appetizers of just 4 pretzels and beer cheese. We had gotten two orders of these one for all of us to try and have together and one as my meal. Clare got herself a combo deal giving her 5 boneless wings and a pretty large plate of loaded fries. The fries looked yummy it was fresh bacon and shredded cheese melted on them and topped with scallions. Her wings were large chunks of cut breast meat. They were covered in bbq. You could tell that the sauce had been squirted on them and not tossed in them. I prefer mine to be tossed. Malachi got a Boom Boom shrimp plate. Malachi enjoys that Marc gives him the power to pick anything he may want to choose on the menu. He gets a bit more creative with his meal choices with that power. It was pretty clear instantly he was not a fan of his meal. He pulled off all the breading from his shrimp that had the boom boom sauce and only ate the shrimp from the middle. I picked at his fries as it was a huge portion that even with me helping he was unable to finish even half of them. Marc got himself a bucket of wings that were far spicier than he anticipated them being. I think they were along the lines of zest lickiers lol.  Upon finishing his first wing he said babe the menu did not justify the spiciness in these. I am going to need more blue cheese. I let a giggle as this isn’t the first time he has felt such a way about a wing choice of his. Our waitress, I never could seem to over look her uniform it was truly a issue for me. She never listened the the kids speak. In fact Clare had to ask for a box 3 times before being acknowledge and I still had to clarify what was being asked. Our server mixed up our drinks sitting them on the table and only realizing her mistake seeing the bubbles fizz from what should have been my water. We only tipped 20 percent because it was not the best service I have ever had. We tend to be pretty good tippers if service is on point. Even when it’s not still leave the 20%. Clare enjoyed her fries and that is truly what the trip was about. My pretzels were delicious but the very small cup of cheese I was given wasn’t nearly enough for 4 large pretzels.

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Why I no longer pick up the paint brush that brought me so much comfort.

Why I no longer pick up the paint brush that brought me so much comfort.

I was living in my Grandma Dee’s home. Pregnant with my first child, already thrown out of the father of my child’s home, and a teenager. My Grandmother had just remarried. She was living in a huge home in Three Oaks. Her and her husband opened their doors for me and I had a large room and a decent life. I rarely left my room outside of the daily trips to the post office to buy stamps and mail letters to my son’s father. I wrote him constantly during that pregnancy. I stayed in my room. I didn’t eat as I was sick the entire time. I drank milk by the gallons but I bought my own as I had food stamps and wic way back then. I coped with my life with painting those days. I had mass amounts of paints I would even volunteer at the thrift store up town for credits there for painting and crafting supplies. It was just my passion. No one in my life wanted me to keep my baby. I mean NO ONE.  Abortion, adoption, whatever the opinion was it was absolutely not me parenting. I was on my own. I was fine with that though I had made my peace with it. I was in every parenting class known to man earning points and things I needed for my baby. Allen had it all!!!! So there is no way I had ever even considered another option for him. One day I came home to my grandma in my room. I hadn’t been gone long just walked to the post office a few blocks up and back. When I got to the top of the stairs I could see her in my trash can. She was fumbling with the garbage from my painting mess and I wasn’t sure why. Entering the room startled her and she was irate in an instant. She was screaming ” I caught you!”. I honestly had not a clue what the hell she was talking about.” I knew you didn’t want him. You aborted that baby. Right here in my house.” Her screams were ludicrous to me. Has she been drinking? My grandma didn’t drink but I truly just had no idea what on earth was going on in the moment. Before I knew it she had slapped me and I pushed her back she tumbled and we both ended up on the ground. Me with her clear hand print on my face. She then called 911! “My granddaughter has given herself an abortion with a coat hanger. I stopped her and she pushed me down. ” Oh my God at this point i realize she is bat shit and I should go. I get to the front door and the officer is already there. Her hand print still very clear across my face. She flies down the stairs to give her story first. I sit myself down on the porch trying to not stress through my high risk pregnancy.  I had been on bed rest the entire time. I couldn’t eat much and lived off milk and carnation breakfast drinks. The officer came to me next. He was holding the hanger. It was evidence. I was baffled. I had to go to the hospital and prove my story. I could have pressed charges as grandma admitted being angry at my actions and hitting me. I at the hospital was told the stress made it time to induce and was set to deliver the very baby I was said to have aborted the very next day. I moved back home to never have a relationship with my grandma again. I have seen her a few times but never had a bond at all since. I do my best to avoid her. I can’t move on from it no matter how hard I try. The hanger was simply covered in the red paint I had used it to stir and unclog one of my paints. The exam in my head created an issue that lead to my preterm delivery being needed. My son being vacuumed for 36 mins.  I threw all my paint supplies away that day and never touched a paint brush again. 

Hard To Love

I meet a lady once. She lived in the opposite side of a duplex I was residing with my first husband. I was all of 18 years old. She had a young daughter and I had went to be the friendly neighbor and introduce myself. To my surprise when she answered my knock at the door she instantly wept and wrapped me in her arms. I had no recollection of her at all. She had been a roommate to my mother when I was the age my kids were then. (toddler years) She told me horrific childhood stories of her and my mother’s drug habits. Of the horrible choices that they had made. A story of me drawing on the walls and the beating I had gotten for it. How my eyelashes full of tears had tugged at her heart strings that day. I have no idea how much of it is true. I clearly have blocked out many memories because I don’t remember living with my mom much at all. I always remember being at some family members and even those are few and foggy until into teenage years and after moving out. I went to my mom and asked who this girl was and if the stories had any truth. She gave no answers. The girl’s daughter tried hard to share many memories of us and how our mothers were. I couldn’t even remember her. I wanted so badly to fill in the blanks but my mother offered none of the puzzle pieces that she held. Pretty much the only one who would speak to me of those days was my Grandma Dee and I could never decyfer her fables from facts. I tell my kids openly the mistakes I made drinking and losing them and not having the income I needed to provide and just not getting my shit together. I answer every single question honest and openly. I thank my mom for that really for the bond I have built with my kids is because of the one I lacked with her. I share my mistakes so that they can learn from them. So I can show them that I am human and will screw up as they will too as a parent as a child as a human…. We love each other even when we are hard to love. We give forgiveness and love through the mistakes. I think I hold anger for what I don’t know. For answers I wasn’t given. I wish I could let go. Forgiving would be far better for my heart…. It’s just I don’t think she even feels remorse. There I go again another excuse for why I can’t do something. Clearly she is not in control over my ability to forgive I am. I can’t ever imagine my kids being to hard to love. I always have felt to hard to love by everyone but them. I thought that the reason I wasn’t for them was that I taught them to love even through the hard. By sharing it with them and not pretending it wasn’t there. No brushing it under the rug in this family. I didn’t have custody because I wasn’t the best mom I could be. It’s a hard mistake to make and one I shall never make again.

Passing Around A Child

Passing Around A Child




Last night I went searching for the perfect picture to place on my blog. I wanted it to be from my younger years as that is what the blog was pertaining to at the time. As I went on my quest pulling out the photo albums I had just been given no more than a couple years prior it was almost instantly painful. Most of the pictures I have aren't with my parents. Most of my memories aren't either. There were pictures of me with my Aunt and Uncle who I believe I lived with for some time as a child. I remember being there often but the memory is vague to if I lived there or was just always there. As a single mom I know my mother was often at work and had not had time for me. I remember that I spent far less time with my aunt and uncle after they had finally been able to conceive on their own.  Conception was a struggle for them and I think I was there to fill the void until they finally succeeded. The pictures fade as do the memories after my cousin was born. I even remember holding antomocity to her because she was taking my place. I remember visits being far different for me after. I can't imagine the jealousy struggles I must have felt being so young. I have heard stories of how they wish they had kept me. How my life would have been different if they had. When I was handed the photo albums it was clear I was a bigger part of their life then I myself remember being. I remember living with my paternal grandma often. She had her own struggles with trying to put me into school. She was unable to do so since she had no legal rights to me. I had made the mistake of telling the office I had moved with her. It got me kicked out of school as I no longer resided in the district. It ultimately made me unable to stay with her. I had been there the entire summer before hand. I remember the tears that flowed when my grandma had to tell me she herself had to send me back too. Without being able to enroll me into a school she feared legal ramifications. I lived with another aunt as a teenager for a summer. The summer after I had been with my biological father. Man was a an unruly teen then. I burnt that bridge speaking of the christianity she held near to her heart in a manner unbecoming of my character. I am not sure what made me so unhappy their that I burnt the bridge. Maybe I just couldn't find my place. I remember I went to camp that summer thinking that I would return to be handed to the juvenile detention center as I was unwanted by basically everyone by then. I can't count how many times I found myself in the bed of a man simply because I felt there was nowhere else to go. I lived on a front porch at 16 years old with a boy named aaron pailing. He wasn't even the boy I was dating just my friends lover at the time. We crammed the three of us onto a twin sized mattress on an unheated porch in the middle of the winter. Never at any time did I feel I had an option to go home to my parent's. I never thought I was wanted by anyone anywhere. I was unlovable. After marrying my first husband we came to live in a duplex in stevensville. The other half of my home resided a women who had claimed to have lived with me as a toddler. She said her and my mother had been close friends back in those days. She often shared horrific stories of the big tears I would have in my baby blues. I tried hard to avoid those stories as I had no memory of her or her daughter or the days she tried to recollect with me. As a mother of 8 children I can't imagine letting my children feel as though coming home isn't an option. I can't imagine letting them feel like they were not wanted. My children can't burn a bridge with me and there is not a single thing that would make them as kids unable to come home. As their behavior is simply a reflection of my parenting is it not? My childhood pictures of me with my parents are scarce. I wish that I had more memories to understand why I was left to feel so passed around and unwanted. I wish I could figure out the flaws that made time with me so undesirable. At some point everyone passed me on.......