What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Really not much of an excuse to dropping the ball in the moment like I did. She came to the house and tried so hard to patiently explain even though I was just flat out rude. You see she came with Eight hot cocoa bombs not seven and greedily with my selfish chocolate addicted I …

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Another Christmas under our belts. As always nothing went as it was planned and yet it went without a flaw. Starting Christmas shopping back in August left me with quite the stack. Eight hundred presents in all. There was no tree as the solid month before Christmas we took turns passing around this awful sickness. …

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I honestly have wanted and well did write so many times since the last post. But only in my head while driving the back country roads to and from therapy. Or in the quite moments I am in the kitchen baking or laundry room folding. It seems it’s so easy to blog when my fingers …

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It’s funny how many times I blog in my head that just never makes it here anymore. Those long back road drives when I am all alone radio up and thoughts running wild in my head. I piece them together into these fabulous blog’s. But never do I return home and type it now. For …

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I was so nervous anticipating the graduation I forgot to enjoy it when the day arrived. The flood gates of emotions poured in as family flooded my yard. Hailey’s father the only one not willing to stay and support her. He made a b line for the door just as fast as he arrived. Nothing …

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I’ll just be completely honest. Hailey wanting a party with my family present sent chills down my spine instantly. I knew she was setting herself up for failure. How could I protect her when they let her down for this was the only thing replaying in my mind a million times over. Yesterday, my fears …

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It’s been such a long month! Like seriously so long. Emotionally it’s felt as though I was on the biggest and boldest rollercoaster known to man. Hailey graduated. She did it. Her being her mother’s child and all. She wants so badly to show her family her accomplishments and feel their pride. Longing to be …

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Her Day

daniellemomof8gmailcom

Here we are… The clock is ticking to my daughters big day. Everything seems to fall short of perfect in my mind for her. I can’t buy or do enough to show how truly proud I am of her. Graduating, turning 18, and moving to dorm. She has held a job for years now. Secure …

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I wish that I could go back and lead a better example. Never understanding how to pick friends myself I passed those traits to my children. Clinging to toxic needing friendships was my motive. There was a clear need for me to be needed. Finding comfort in being the nurturer in the friendship. Maybe even the mother, the clear responsible one.

I’ve since learned how to better chose who I have in my life and the boundaries I put in place. But a day too late because my kids were watching my failures at building those healthy friendships. They too now sit often in pain from choosing unhealthy friendships. So badly do I wish I could go back and be a better example. Catching on sooner than I did.

Sadly I instilled in my children the same fears I had of being alone. Clingy to those unhealthy relationships as if they are a need. The fear of that lonely feeling. It often lead me to succumb to being someone I was not.

Last Night watching my daughter do just as I spent most of my life doing my heart wrenched. There isn’t anything I can do about the example I gave now. Only thing there is to do is move forward doing better. Longing for them to find everlasting healthy friendships and relationships.

I truly thought it was painful to go through it all but it’s far worse to watch your children repeat your mistakes. Moving forward I will do better.

February 7, 2021