Buckling up for the ride

Yesterday I knew something was wrong as soon as I woke up. I felt sick and cramping pains through my stomach. By afternoon I had realized I was about to get my period again. 🙁

I went through most of my life without one at all. I had baby after baby. I breastfeed. I was on birth control. Basically everything that could prevent me from worrying about those nasty things was there. So just that happened I never had them. It had been 13 years since I had one when I got my first.

In fact the crazy amounts of bleeding and cramping and bruising that would sometimes cover my stomach is what prompted the doctor visit leading the the cancer discovery. Now here we are about 2 and a half years into getting them. I normally would have medication I would start taking right now. I lose a lot of blood while on my period and sometimes get them 3-4 times in one month. Sometimes they are just a few days long but more often then not lasting close to a week.

The medication I would normally take that would slow the blood flow. With the intention of cutting it nearly in half. Well that medication is expensive. I don’t have insurance. If Marc knows I don’t have it he will purchase it. I so badly want a house. I will try hard to hide not having it.

I have desperately tried to get insurance. Failing at that task at hand. I have spent months trying and I got it once simply to lose it the following month. This morning I am already in tears. Waking just 38 mins ago I have already filled my super tampon and had to rush to the bathroom to change it.

This week already I charged a walk in clinic visit where my hemoglobin was discovered to be a 6. I received a blood transfusion just to not return for the follow up. I just want to hang out with my family and if I go well I’ll be hanging out in the hospital.

I feel cold and tired. Stomach pains growing. Trying to buckle up for the ride the next few days will bring. I knew I wouldn’t be feeling well this weekend and planned a frozen lasagna to throw in the oven tonight. I wonder if that red flagged him that I wasn’t feeling good? Cereal for breakfast surely will if it didn’t.

A Day In Bed

So I failed to fake anything yesterday. It was impossible to hide how terrible I felt. Marc that amazing man of mine he knows all though. I got up made him some breakfast and Malachi and myself just a bit of something. After finishing I ended up asking to just lay down a bit. I must have fallen asleep because I woke still in bed. I felt no better and just stayed cuddling him the entire day.
Eight hours we spent in bed. I woke a few times mumbling an apology telling him I was fine and just tell me when he was ready to go flying. It’s okay we will go later no worries my love just rest he would say. I would drift back off like this on and off. Waking and making attempts to not ruin his weekend. He knew I couldn’t have gone and done okay. So he held me all day long. Watching movies and napping himself.
That evening we got up and I showered feeling a bit better we went and picked up a couple of things we needed at the store for dinner. In the store I wanted to cry leaning up to the cart hoping I could just get through it. I would make excuses to look in a different direction so I could embrace the pain without him noticing. He would have left the store with nothing if he had known it was difficult for me.
I was starved. Days it had been since I held down food. I was desperate to shove everything in my fat face. I picked out cookies and yogurt excitedly. When we got home I went straight to cooking. Spaghetti and meatballs. A home made recipe passed down from my father. I got the meatballs in the oven and water boiling and back to the bedroom I went to sit. I tried so hard to just be okay the entire day. I even took all my meds. Which I often don’t because frankly who can afford that shit? Not me… not without taking from the minions and that will not ever happen.


Dinner is here and I am famished. I get a plate with 2 meatballs and maybe enough noodles to fit half my palm. Not much at all. I grab two bread. I finish one meatball quickly. As soon as the last bite hits my mouth it begins. It's like someone is in front of me punching my abs. It's making me want to cry. I slow my eating maybe in my starvation mode I am shoveling it in too darn fast slow down. A few more bites. Maybe just some bread will be okay. Marc is on his second plate now. I am still here struggling to finish bread. It physical hurts to put the food in my mouth. I stop clearly my body has had enough. I set my plate on a end table next to me. Staring at it hungrily.
I get a call from my daughter that we need to get her picked up NOW! It's an s.o.s. call and I need to move. We stopped everything and went. Picking her up she was clearly in distress. After getting back to the house I sat on the bed and snacked one cookie. Just one cookie. Within seconds made a clear run to the bathroom. Hear it comes. The vomiting, one hurl and my teeth are aching. That is the worst. My muscles in my stomach are going crazy. I knew not to eat that cookie but brain was so craving that damn thing. I called to Malachi for a wash cloth. I am in tears quickly. Once I have started to get sick my stomach is just in the excruciating pain. Malachi was quick to tell Marc when he came back from the basement. I tried to down play but he informed me the bathroom was over him and he heard it all. :( I ruined the day. HE worried all of it. I just don't know what else I can do to get better. I didn't get to bed till 2 am this morning. Back up and running by 7 am. I am not feeling any better. Under my ribs now so tender from the puking. I am going to cook breakfast and try to put on my fake face.

Some Mornings Are Rough

I try desperately to avoid my illness. I love pretending it doesn’t exist. Putting it in the furthermost corner of my mind like it is in a time out. Every morning is the worst. I wake up feeling cramps and wanting to hurl. The worst thing about all the puking is my teeth and mouth they just ache. The cramps in the pits of my stomach and the sore muscles under my ribs I am sure are from the puking. The meds feel like they barely take the edge off. The goal is to fly under the radar so no one notices my struggles. Showing those I love how truly awful feel just makes them then ache for me. Sympathy isn’t something I long for. Some its far easier to hide the bad days from and some it’s nearly impossible. I wonder how much pain I cause my children when I am unable to hide it. I try to always be the first one up. I know those mornings are the toughest so I get up early to battle them alone. On the weekends when I am home with him its better. The whole house is silent and Marc doesn’t wake to me getting sick. I can climb back into the bed and slide to him to be held. I can cry without being noticed. I can ball my knees to my chest like I am now. I can be angry that this is my life. I am you know. I am angry this is my life.

I can't understand why I deserved this. Or how my kids could deserve the punishment of the possibility of losing their mom before they themselves are adults. I am angry that I have had to fight my whole life to find happiness and now it's here and I honestly don't know how long I can hold on. There is blood in my urine these days and less times am I able to control my bladder. I'm getting sick daily. Did I mention my teeth hurt! Omg do they hurt each time I vomit for hours after my entire mouth just aches. I can't remember the last day I felt myself now. I'm always this shell of myself trying to hide everything that I feel. I had hopes of this new doctor... Of course I've ruffled enough feathers at my home that my landlord didn't get my paperwork back to me in time and the insurance option went back out the window. I haven't took a stand about that either... My home it's a joke. Nothing the property owner said would be done has been. In the office they said we are going to fix everything in your home because that is what you and your kids deserve. That was 6 months ago. I wonder if the present condition is really what they feel we deserve. I have written letters and not sent. I frankly have been in fear of the what ifs. I am pretty over letting people walk on me and standing back and spinning my thumbs. This is more than a faulty furnace. I now can't get my son's toe surgery he is desperate for. I missed an opportunity with treatment that I was excited to take. Not ever have I missed rent... I think it's time to take a stand there. I am just going to be sick and die or fight. Fight for respect I am owed and fight to get better. My home being in the condition it is isn't good for my health or sanity or pocketbook for that matter. My head is spinning of rantings can you tell? I think I get far more emotional on the high pain days. My stomach feels like it's on a roller coaster while being punched in the face. Even taking a nice deep breath balls me over in pain. I need to stick with little short breaths to ease it back to tolerable. The tears are rapidly flowing down my face now. I just want a home some insurance and a fighting chance at life that is really all I am asking.

Natural to lie……

I just tried to lie to the one I love the most. I do it all the time. It’s natural and has been for some time. I lie to everyone who ask how are you feeling… I respond with I’m fine all the time. Even right now the laptop on my lap myself sitting on the toilet stomach a hot mess because yesterday I ate food. So today I’ll pay for it the entire day.  I strongly dislike pity. I hate the I hope you feel betters. I dislike those who are around to feel better about themselves giving to you… I hate people carrying things for me or even opening doors. I hate being treated like I am sick because I hate facing I am sick. I would much rather live a lie and say I am fine when I most clearly am not then face the reality of my life…… How do I break the natural habit to lie? Will he still love me if my answer is never positive? If I always say no I am not okay I am falling apart at the seams mentally. I am physically feeling drained and ill and frankly like death….. ? I would hate being with such a debbie downer and I already am more negative than I should be. It’s not like those who love me don’t see through the lies especially him. Today is just an emotional yucky don’t feel good kind of day! 🙁

High Emotions…..

 //pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({
google_ad_client: “ca-pub-1747195353515083”,
enable_page_level_ads: true
});

I woke up around 6 from the cramps in my stomach. They were something fierce. I had dinner last night and Marc’s parent’s bought my food. I sat to put the first bite to my mouth of the mouthwatering food and felt queasy instantly. I wanted to cry as hungry as I was putting the food in my mouth is physically painful. I was more embarrassed that I had made them spend money and not eaten it. I looked so ungrateful I was ashamed.  Marc has kinda dissolved that feeling for me when he buys now and I don’t have that as much. Nearly never in fact he just knows me and my needs and fulfills them. He in line told me it was okay if I ate nothing at all. He said if I wanted to order and try but couldn’t he would surely eat it for me the next day. I was good with that until I seen his dad buy and then felt instant obligation to eat my food. I put more then I should into my stomach yesterday. I knew it and kept trying before finally failing to even successfully complete a french fry… So this morning when I woke I began to get sick from the food I had consumed yesterday. I turned on the fan trying to hide the sound. I’m not sure why I felt he need. I vomited blood up and spent the entire morning in tears alone in his bathroom. Then I got emotional. I looked on my phone for something to do… maybe a distraction to collect myself before getting back into bed with him. I failed at that too as the thing I found was that I did have my ex husband’s number. So I texted…. I told him exactly what I felt without holding back. How he had lied to the court and the slander of my name was ridiculous as I only wanted help with my kids. I hadn’t ever really kept his kids from him listing all the ways I had went above and beyond not to in fact. I listed him and his wife and kids moving to my home. Taking my children to tents to stay with him as he had no housing. I reminded him that even after he failed to protect my daughters from being molested and raped I still put my feelings towards that aside and drove my kids to his family reunion to see him. Without gas money or even a thank you. So with nothing to gain for myself I still made sure my kids had him and his family in their lives. In fact until he took me to court I had his mother sister and family on my face book in daily contact about his children.  I reminded him of all the things that may have slipped his mind before I even have opened the court documents waiting on my grandparents for me. I showed him the house phone had been the same number for a solid 3 years and he had it for sure. Never had it changed at all. I basically debunked everything he stated in court. BEcause it was in fact all LIES! I wrote out of anger in a place of emotion and regretted it right after pressing send… Now I can’t take it back. My stomach is killing me to a level that I seriously would consider going to the hospital right now if I thought i wouldn’t be alone there. Pain in my leg isn’t horrendous but the combination together is taking a toll for sure. Does pain make you more emotional?  It sure seems to me. I really wish I could be better already…….

dscn3548.jpg

Donation

$1.00

Sadness has crept back in with a vengeance.

It’s been several days sitting here at this low. It’s consuming me now. I need to talk I need to pour my heart out in hopes that I’m still lovable after. I have struggled this week at everything life has felt nothing short of overwhelming. The flood, the move, all of the changes has been drastic. My entire life I have not had to or been allowed to make any sort of decisions. I have played a very submissive role and followed not lead. Simply choices even like picking where to eat were never mine to make. It was rare to go out and if we did it wasn’t by my choice. So now when he ask where I would like to go or even if I’d like to eat in or out it’s difficult for me. I find my heart racing over such a silly task. I fear weather I’ll answer correctly. Can you imagine feeling fearful over picking the wrong dinner option? I really have no reason to feel such a way in my current relationship but there is no way I can shake it. So it feels even worse. I feel silly for being fearful I want to just choice my head screams in a million different directions and I beg for him to save me and just make my choice for me. The talks of my health and my decisions to make regards to how long I’ll be around have been nothing short of overwhelming either. He wants me to chose how to fight and just do it. I can do nothing but list all of the obstacles it puts in front of my family. I can’t find positives only negatives and it’s not that they are not there. It’s just to justify taking care of me is hard. I have to look at what it will do to my family my kids…. Those negatives are all my mind can think of. Isn’t that a good mom….. Am I a bad mom? For fucks sake I am such an emotional wreck. I want to fight I just want to know I won’t cause any damage to my family. I don’t want to get started in chemo not be able to parent and let my kids suffer…. I’d prefer to just give them my all till I no longer can. Listing the negatives is frustrating to outsiders I have a hard time even realizing I am doing it. Have I become a negative Nancy? I hate those people that can never see the brighter side of things. Maybe that is the issue I just hate myself…. I cried many times to myself yesterday already several to myself this morning. I sat once thinking what are these tears for what is even making you sad right now in this moment…. I just cried harder because I can’t even give myself the answers let alone anyone else. I want to shut down and crawl in a hole and hide. Gosh I hate being sad. My home feels unsafe and unlike a home really it feels like four walls and nothing more. I have spent the week trying to clean and organize things. Donate things that aren’t needed. Thought if I did away with the clutter maybe I could feel better. I flinch when I can hear cars drive by there. I fear the damn rain on the sunroof in the bathroom. I know first off it means my house is leaking water and I have to run around like a crazy person to put buckets everywhere there is water coming down at. Second off the rain now only makes me think of the flood and evacuation. Of all those were are still homeless. There is a man that comes in my house to fix it he works for the landlord and he makes me completely uncomfortable but somehow I am afraid to stand up and say a thing. He touches me and makes me uneasy. He crosses a line past flirtation into total creepy. So I often leave my home not wanting to be there when they are. I wish I could avoid the door and no one no I was home like I could at the white house but here the house is small and walls are thin and that isn’t as easy a task. Life is just caving in around me it feels. My happiness is fading like a shadow and I am chasing but I can’t catch it as the sun is to bright to see it. I know brighter days are ahead that things are going to be okay….. but today seems so dark and dreary. I am hoping an adventurous day with my son and man of my dreams will shake all the low feelings I have. I’d hate to let my low state make him feel like he doesn’t make me happy cause he is the greatest man ever to live. Lets see if I can shake the blues today and think less smile more. 61a9pzhaqsl-_sx381_bo1204203200_

Donation

$1.00

I won’t be hiding the pain today….

If you read yesterday’s post you would know my pain level was high most of the day. I only held down a biscuit and a half of a protein shake. I don’t think I even consumed an entire pop to be honest. I didn’t intake much at all. Last night I tried my best not to wake Marc. I think he went to bed without his shower even he was so tired himself. He too had a painful day having issues with his toe and foot and limping the entire day. I tossed and turned the entire night. I had temperature issues (those are my least favorite) I had pain in both my leg and upper stomach. I had strength issues I feel frail as a 90 year old lady. Out of breath. Sex last night was difficult. Not that I would have mouthed a word to Marc but I was tired. I picked a terrible position for my leg wanting to please him of course. It took all I had to finish for him. In the shower this morning I sat on the bottom of the shower to wash my hair and leaned against the shower walls for support. My arms are heavy to lift. I work the next 6 days. There will not be an excuse to not work. I want this job. I want the career. I absolutely can stay home and write on my butt and make enough to support my family. I just can’t decided to sit home and die yet. I want to be out living and cooking is my passion. I don’t want cancer to take my life. I’ve been taking immune system booster injections. I have stayed relatively healthy to be honest. I just have bad days. A year ago those outweighed the good ones by far now the god outweigh. I have not been good at taking meds or going to the doctor or caring about my personal health in general for well probably my entire life. I can’t count how many iv’s I’ve ripped out and walked out of the hospital. Even with Malachi I was 32 weeks pregnant water broke 5 days in at Bronson hospital. I was alone and I didn’t want to be there. I took my butt home I just ripped off everything walked out of the building drove to my home in stevensville and I ordered pizza hut and got some sleep. I went back the next day and had my baby.  I hated hospital’s and there just was no one ever willing to stay at my side like I would have them. I thought blogging about it would help me refocus the pain into motivation. received_10210586326563670162959352.jpeg

Results, Fear,How do I find a positive with so much negative ?????

ebdfa2058f485f2c9858286b25f65220I went to my apt. today so many results it was so intimidating. Tumour 7x9cm on cervix & down into vagina, not in bowel but “against” bladder (no probs with either motion lol). Spread to pelviv nodes & x1 para-aortic node. There’s a wee 3mm “node” on a lung so I’m to have a CT to clarify that. I starred at the doctor with the blankest star…. He says are you still with me Danielle???? Yes, still here… Most days I feel fine, I look fine and my chemo starts on the 20th sept for 3-4 sessions (carboplatin & taxol) followed by chemo-radio. I have bad days where my leg pain is so extreme walking is a huge chore but again most days I am so normal I find it easy to forget I have cancer. When you hear the words from your doctor’s mouth say 32% chance survival rate for 5 yrs. Something inside goes empty. Processing this all has just been so much. The biggest fear is not being able to care for my kids. Or someone trying to take them from me. I can’t help I have cancer. I have become such an amazing mother…. Now I sit in fear that I can lose it all again. FOR FUCKS SAKE WHY MUST THERE BE CANCER!!!!! AHHHHH