Little Letters Of Love

Little Letters Of Love

Have I raved enough about Marc that everyone knows the man in my life is amazing yet???!!!! Well that man is pretty freaking perfect. So if you haven’t been following from the beginning lets refresh just a bit. Marc and I meet seven and a half months ago through a craig list ad. Lol can you imagine! He was my second craig list date and the first one I had jumped out of the car by the time we hit the stop sign at the end of my street. So the fact that I even went was a shocker as I wasn’t planning to ever go on another of those again! In fact I blew Marc off on our first planned date. That was not planned to be a sleepover of any kind. Somehow Mr. Amazing texted even after the stand up and no reply incident from me to text me while I was severely being beaten. I had just been football tackled into the ground. I still wasn’t sure I could leave my situation or if I wanted to meet another strange craig list man. Then he said it was his bday and he was alone. I am not sure if he had other plans later or what but he came and got me that night and I fell in love that night. I swear it was that first night I knew I would marry him and this would be forever. I got out of my abusive situation within a month and a half because of the courage my love for Marc gave me. At three months in I was given a key to his place. I would go there everyday and clean the man cave. I picked something knew to tackle each week and organized and cleaned for him. When I would leave before he returned from work I would leave him a little love note. After two times of leaving him notes he left me his favorite Cross Pen. I remember thinking wow fancy pen. He also left me a little yellow sticky pad. I had been leaving letters on envelopes and all kinds of scrap paper previously. Before he had left those things for me to use to write his little letters of love I wasn’t sure if men really liked that stuff or if it just looked corny to him. I wasn’t sure if he said he liked them to make me feel good or if I was really making him feel good. I remember him telling me the cost of the Cross Pen and me thinking shit he is leaving this thing with me everyday! I lose everything. He has to replace lighters all the time because I have walked off with them and they then vanished into thin air. (COMPLETELY NOT MY FAULT!)That pen is the ultimate pen. It writes so fancy and smooth lol. I love it. I cherish that it’s here for me to write little letters of love and I would never lose it. He knew that. I soon realized he was hoarding the letters. I would leave them scattered EVERYWHERE! In the snake room, in the basement, on his coffee machine, on the baked goods, in the fridge, in the freezer, on the fish tank, doors, walls, shower, everywhere I had a thought of him I would leave it there and let him know. YES, there are thousands of them! HE keeps every single one of them. On his nightstand right by his head making me feel as good as they make him. WE are so blessed with the love we share! My sleeping beauty is the greatest man to exist. Happy blogging I am off to make his breakfast!

Eyeliner

Eyeliner

I never knew something so simple would resonate in my mind for so long. I have not ever been much of a girly girly. Make up was not ever my thing. I think mostly because I was so clueless. I was 30 years old before I had convinced my mom to teach me anything about make up. Even when she did it was more of the don’t do’s then what to do. Don’t touch your face you will put oil on it. Don’t play with your hair same reason’s. Honestly that is all I remember is being in her bathroom getting ready for a Mary Kay party and feeling overwhelmed because I had no clue. So if I wear Make up the extinct of it is some simple eye liner and maybe lip gloss. Chances are the lip gloss is for moisture and has not a thing to do with wanting to be pretty. So on Friday morning I am off to the dollar store for tp and to get some cash back for my princess to take for spending on her field trip. I walk by this clearance  basket full of make up. I assume it caught my eye because I am always looking for the girls. They love to play dress up and do hair and make up. In the basket was a 50 cent eye liner. I got it and went on my way. Eye liner is a hot commodity for teen age girls if you weren’t aware. 50 cents is a total steal! I got home showed the girls and ended up putting some on myself. Fast forward now about 8 hours. My eyeliner must be a mess it’s almost 90 degrees outside. I have no ac at my place and I have been sweating like a pig all day long. Marc comes home from work while he is greeting his boys, ( our two macaws in the kitchen) he stops dead in his tracks and gazes at me. “Do you have make up on for me babe?” He says with just the biggest smile. “You look beautiful. ” I giggle and tell him it’s old. My heart just burst though. I can’t believe he noticed my 8 hour old messy eyeliner and said it was beautiful. Every time I looked in the mirror after I seen my messy eyeliner and felt beautiful. I hadn’t showered when he took me to dinner, hadn’t fixed my make up, I let him roll down the windows so my hair was quite a mess. He held my hand all over town with pride. Love is grand guys it fills you up with the best mojo. A sad week it was for me but a little eye liner can go a long way 😉

My Love Language Is Food

My Love Language Is Food

I am just certain that my love language is food. I find so much joy in baking and leaving treats all over Marc’s place. Having him over for dinner or cooking at his place for when he comes home from work is extremely gratifying for me. More with Marc then with anyone before. He cleans his plate and thanks me repeatedly. He will send me a text from bed of a goodie he is munching on that I left for him. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy knowing I am taking care of him in such a way. I like being creative and concocting things he probably hasn’t tried. I find it a challenge when he tells me how much he enjoys a meal at at diner and then I try to make it but ten times better. I love waking him p to breakfast in bed. His smile when he looks up at me plates overflowing of food I spent the morning preparing. Making him dinner while he hangs out with the kids. Calling in the family for our meal. I am overjoyed when he chooses staying home rather than going out. I stress making the meal perfect and never ever think it’s good enough for him. He deserves perfect and I’m imperfect so that isn’t obtainable. I do more then just feed him of course but it’s my favorite way to show him I love him.

Deadpool 2

Deadpool 2

Last night Marc took Allen, Clare, and myself out to the movies. A movie that Allen was really wanting to see. We don’t often get much time with Allen. He doesn’t get into as much that is relatable for us. He is very much the biggest home body of the kids. I was excited to spend the weekend hanging out with him. He is 16 now and far more grown than I’d like him to be. Can he just slow down already!!!! Clare Bear truly is a very well behaved girl. So the two for the weekend would be very peaceful and easy on me for sure. We bought our tickets online prior to our arrival. Just four seats left at the celebration cinema. Neither of the two kids had ever been. For a frugal family like us that is just not the theater of our choice. It is absolutely every bit of double priced to our go to theater. The seats are twice as comfortable though as they recline. The theater twice as big. The customer service however is no where near the quality we get at our local wonderland. We print our tickets at the kiosk. Head straight for snacks. The kids are shocked when Marc let them pick any item they wanted and a drink! They even asked me privately if it was really okay. I pass out the drink cups and we move to the drink station. Once again Clare stops me. Can I get any drink I want here too??? Yes, Marc lets you chose anything. They really haven’t ever had someone as selfless outside of me. Even though I am selfless I always have kept us to such a strict budget that I kept boundaries tight with choices. I didn’t really think of how that might show them their worth doing so. I was just making sure I could pay the bills you know… I am grateful now for the weekends that make lets them feel priceless. He gives me that same fantastic feeling all the time. Okay, okay this blog is about a movie not Marc lol. So we have our drinks and Marc his popcorn and off to our seats we are. They are going to deliver our pretzels that me and both kids all got. I truly enjoy this too. Not having to carry it all to my seat teetering things on my arms hoping I can keep track of kids and open the door and not spill my nacho cheese. So I love the convenience of this. Here is the problem, they took and tried handing my pretzels to 3 different people. They had no idea where to take my food. When they did find us because we begun flagging them down saying it was ours the pretzels were very cold. The last time I came they were delicious so I was very disappointed. The movie begun and I looked over to the kiddos. Reclined raving of the cool experience this theater was for them.

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I heard Allen's laughter in the movie multiple times. I think that alone made me just love the movie. I kept looking from the kids to Marc and thinking how truly blessed I was. 20180519_1920401698554971.jpg The movie was funny and I even stayed awake through the whole thing. It was 2 hours long but didn't feel it. Allen's opinion was the 1st was better but I enjoyed the both. I enjoyed time with my family and their laughter. It was a great evening.

The love I needed and never got is now the love my daughter is looking for…. I so tried to not let the cycle continue.

The love I needed and never got is now the love my daughter is looking for…. I so tried to not let the cycle continue.

I think the love I longed for the most growing up was that of a father. When my Dad ( Scott) disappeared I looked for a father in every man that came home with my Mom. A few now I can only remember faces, some still have names to the faces, and their are those I have no memory of but pictures galore of me in their arms. The love I was searching for was unconditional. You know the kind where you can fuck up and still be loved. The kind where the size of your mistake or the depth of your flaws make no difference. The love that can only come from a parent. The kind of love that wraps you up and consumes you. I guess I am speaking as if I know what that love feels like but I don’t. The efforts I made to feel it, to gain it were never successful. I waited at the door for Scott, by the phone waiting for it to ring. It rarely did. I chose to go alone to visits when he did show so I didn’t have to share his attention with anyone else. It was so lonely after awhile sitting in a movie theater with him snoring. Sitting at a bar him flirty with anything skinny with tits. It did not matter what I said or did. What fabricated story I had of some glorious accomplishment. He only listened and engaged if I was to speak badly of my mom. His anger for her trumped any love for me is exactly how I felt. I was never worthy of his love. When Rik came around I had just been raped. By a bf of my mom’s that I only remember by his first name ” Brian”. My mom and him split and she meet Rik what felt like rather quickly as a child. I honestly really couldn’t tell you the actually story for that or time gap. I know that emotionally I was going through more than I could bare alone. The day that it happened my mom was stranded on road with some car trouble and it was my fault as I was to busy being raped to answer her call. I lied and said I had gone to his house. I left out him being at ours and taking me. I left out how my panties were soaked in blood from the events that had happened. I took her punishment and screams and I cried to myself. When Rik came I wanted him to prove he wasn’t the rest. Prove that a unruly teen was worthy of his love. I acted out for his love. I acted out of the move. I acted out totally unable to process the emotions I was dealing with. In return I made myself hard to love. I ran away seeking love elsewhere….. 16 and Rik and my mom are still together….. Maybe he will love me he has stuck around through some shit right… They had put me in private school one that Rik attended. I was no longer living at home and just wanted to make him proud. Get his attention. I got a job at the dq in niles. It was owned by a man on the school board. He paid me an additional 50 cents a hour on my tuition. I lived in south bend and carpooled to st joe. Every morning I got up at 4 am and I went to this gas station where I prayed like hell my ride would show. On the days she didn’t I sat at a gas station from 4 am to 4pm alone in south bend! AS a CHILD! I did that trying to make Rik notice, make him proud. let me come home. No one cared. I spent my entire check from work on the carpool to get to school. I rarely even had a lunch to eat at school. No one noticed, no one cared, my efforts to make them proud in any positive form went totally unnoticed. I eventually gave it all up. Later getting my ged with a 3 month old. Even later as and adult I tried again to make Rik proud with my education status. I went to college late in life, I enrolled and passed tons of classes by with my placement testing. ( not bad for freshmen drop out) I worked my ass of and took a full 18 credits per semester. I called my dad (rik) constantly with updates of grades and presentations. I screenshot him scores and results. I reached and reached for his attention, time and love. Let me tell you as an adult to reach so desperately and not achieve it leaves you feeling pathetic! I remember in a fight Chuck telling me that Rik didn’t give a fuck about my grades and was probably tired of me calling him from school everyday. I remember arguing and saying he was wrong. I stopped calling Rik that day to prove he would call me. HE didn’t ever call. It was almost graduation time and I had always asked Rik to buy me this brick for the graduation one that had something cute about a mom of 8 did this anyone can. My name and my grad year. He told me if I pulled it off he would do it for me. I sent him the link and everything when I knew I was graduating. I had this whole conversation with myself as to how many times I would remind him before I was begging him to be there again. Something I did not want to do at all. I decided 10 that was it just 10 reminders and count downs to when he couldn’t purchase any longer and when I would graduate. After that I would let him decide my worth essentially. After 10 reminders I went silent. I of course posted on facebook daily reminders to the world of when this mom would walk with her hat on. Chuck knew they wouldn’t get me that brick no one would. He had purchased it long before I had been let down but left it a surprise. I wish he hadn’t actually though seeing the brick and knowing that my family didn’t do it. That they never even went to see theirs daughters name. It was more painful then no brick at all. No one showed when I graduated. Later they said they didn’t know. I didn’t remind enough. Thing was I just wasn’t important enough. As an adult I stayed in a severely abusive relationship because I knew Rik wanted that. HE loved Chuck thought he was just the greatest. They had many talks over me being crazy and Rik not knowing how Chuck could do it. In fact Rik gave Chuck a truck telling him never to put in my name. In the garage that day Rik and Chuck had a conversation that I got third party about him being a good man and staying with me. How Rik couldn’t believe he had. I wondered how such a thing could be said about a man that beat me so badly. I wondered if Rik really thought that was all I was worth. Wasn’t even 2 months that the truck had breaks go out and Chuck drove it to scrap yard for a bag. Leaving the kids with no way to get to the grocery store. Karma I guess the truck crushed because I could do nothing to stop it cause it was me that Rik thought to little of it was me he thought would be in line at the scrap yard. It was me with the tears and the cuts down my leg to the words Chuck spewed of his conversation with Rik that day.

I remember Chuck saying Rik doesn't really like you much does he. The next year I begged for Christmas time with him for him to be angry that I was making it seem like he wouldn't make time for us. He never did make that time. I never seen him a single holiday since. He never called there was never a Christmas card in the mail. I was just forgotten. As I knew I would be. I still keep reaching of course. Jade she is exactly the same. She goes through all the same emotions with Chuck and keith. Now Marc stepping in and he feels frustrated as he sees her playing both sides. Acting out, being defiant. I see and hear her after she has done something to make Marc proud. She too trys in school for him as I did for Rik. She too gets excited for something as simple as a hug. She wants to see he will love her unconditional. She wants to see what she is worth to him. I know what a bumpy hard road it will be for him to show her he loves her. I know how bumpy it will be for her to believe it. I am so grateful for all I felt as a child and all I endured because I can so easily help her and him learn and understand each other. I can whisper in his ear an accomplishment she has achieved and he will go give her the attention she longs for from it.

Turning a rough morning into laughter!

Turning a rough morning into laughter!

I wake up feeling like total dog poop. The running nasty kind that once you step in you just can’t get off your shoe. Yea, it was pretty darn awful. So I took myself into a shower and I medicated myself as much as I could and still function. I decided that I would not let being sick take my weekend from me. I had planned this wonderful breakfast for my love and my kids. I was going to make it happen. So I quietly exit the room carefully turning the knob attempting to not wake up my sleeping bear. I successfully escape off to wake the boys. ( The two macaw’s in the cages in the kitchen.) I turn on the light and I grab the container their food is kept. I first feed Mack dumping and refreshing his dish. Carefully pulling out some of the things I know are his favorite and putting those to the top of the dish. Just as papa would do if he had woke them. I open Boris door to his cage and let him climb out and crawl to the door of his cage. I take his dish out and replenish it as well. I then clean up the kitchen a bit. Cleaning off the table the stove and pulling out everything I would need for this fabulous breakfast I was about to make. I walk toward the second bathroom which also has our laundry room I was thinking of starting a load of laundry before the kitchen throw down. It was then that I realize that Clare Bear had flooded the entire bathroom/laundry room and it was making it’s way to the hallway darn near to the kitchen. My heart races good gravy the water was a few inches deep.

I frantically wake Clare to aide me in figuring out how on earth to clean this mess. I now have to once again carefully turn the handle on the door and get towels from the dirty clothes in my room. In and out 6 times I survive without waking him. Gosh he really does sleep like a bear. Clare and I giggle and slide through the water. Having a good old time. I return to the kitchen to start breakfast while Clare bear finishes up. She later returns to tell me she is all down. I make the mistake of asking her if it plunged and flushes! The girl goes flushes the toilet and here it comes again. Flooding everything all over again. I just begin laughing uncontrollably. I left Clare this time to figure it out as I had food on the stove. My creation of Reese Stuffed French Toast. What is this your wondering? Deliciousness20180519_1138481829061161.jpg!!!
It is a mixture of cream cheese and powdered sugar to make the “stuffed filling” I spread that on one side of the bread. I then sprinkle a few pb chips and semi sweet chips on top of that and top with second piece of bread. After making into sandwich I dip then entirety of it into a beated egg mixture. Just as you would regular french toast. Grill in butter and top with whip cream. My love is a bit on the spoiled side so he requested syrup and nuts on top of his. So that is exactly what he got. Three of those and 10 slices of bacon. Then man cleaned his plate. Clare finally got the water dried once again and we left the toilet to the professional after he finished his breakfast. 🙂 20180519_110401.jpg20180519_1111201209900326.jpg20180519_1138481829061161.jpg20180519_1138431417256629.jpg

Mornings are rough

Mornings are rough

I try desperately to avoid my illness. I love pretending it doesn’t exist. Putting it in the furthermost corner of my mind like it is in a time out. Every morning is the worst. I wake up feeling cramps and wanting to hurl. The worst thing about all the puking is my teeth and mouth they just ache. The cramps in the pits of my stomach and the sore muscles under my ribs I am sure are from the puking. The meds feel like they barely take the edge off. The goal is to fly under the radar so no one notices my struggles. Showing those I love how truly awful feel just makes them then ache for me. Sympathy isn’t something I long for. Some its far easier to hide the bad days from and some it’s nearly impossible. I wonder how much pain I cause my children when I am unable to hide it. I try to always be the first one up. I know those mornings are the toughest so I get up early to battle them alone. On the weekends when I am home with him its better. The whole house is silent and Marc doesn’t wake to me getting sick. I can climb back into the bed and slide to him to be held. I can cry without being noticed. I can ball my knees to my chest like I am now. I can be angry that this is my life. I am you know. I am angry this is my life.

I can't understand why I deserved this. Or how my kids could deserve the punishment of the possibility of losing their mom before they themselves are adults. I am angry that I have had to fight my whole life to find happiness and now it's here and I honestly don't know how long I can hold on. There is blood in my urine these days and less times am I able to control my bladder. I'm getting sick daily. Did I mention my teeth hurt! Omg do they hurt each time I vomit for hours after my entire mouth just aches. I can't remember the last day I felt myself now. I'm always this shell of myself trying to hide everything that I feel. I had hopes of this new doctor... Of course I've ruffled enough feathers at my home that my landlord didn't get my paperwork back to me in time and the insurance option went back out the window. I haven't took a stand about that either... My home it's a joke. Nothing the property owner said would be done has been. In the office they said we are going to fix everything in your home because that is what you and your kids deserve. That was 6 months ago. I wonder if the present condition is really what they feel we deserve. I have written letters and not sent. I frankly have been in fear of the what ifs. I am pretty over letting people walk on me and standing back and spinning my thumbs. This is more than a faulty furnace. I now can't get my son's toe surgery he is desperate for. I missed an opportunity with treatment that I was excited to take. Not ever have I missed rent... I think it's time to take a stand there. I am just going to be sick and die or fight. Fight for respect I am owed and fight to get better. My home being in the condition it is isn't good for my health or sanity or pocketbook for that matter. My head is spinning of rantings can you tell? I think I get far more emotional on the high pain days. My stomach feels like it's on a roller coaster while being punched in the face. Even taking a nice deep breath balls me over in pain. I need to stick with little short breaths to ease it back to tolerable. The tears are rapidly flowing down my face now. I just want a home some insurance and a fighting chance at life that is really all I am asking.

Clare Bear’s Final Concert Of The Year

My middle daughter was born at 26 weeks. Can you imagine? She weighed less than a pound and spent a lengthy four months in the nicu. She has struggled all of her life to play catch up. Ieps, title classes, speech therapy. you name it she has been in it. So it’s safe to say she struggles. Reading by far the hardest for her to accomplish. She now has been diagnosed with a basic reading disability. When she came to me wanting to play in the band I must admit I discouraged it somewhat. I had 3 kids in band and knew what was expected and I thought it would be overwhelming for her. To my surprise she flourished. Sitting in the second chair out of over a dozen clarinet players. I of course attend all the kids functions humanly possible missing only a handful for work or health reasons only. This week, yesterday was Clare’s last performance of the year. She can tend to be one of the quieter more shy kids and often doesn’t find a way to shine above the others. Now she is the only kid left in band. I was so excited to be there for her and support her. When the flyer came home I eagerly asked Marc to come. He agreed instantly.  I don’t think he’d missed it for anything outside of work either to be honest. He showers us with so much love and attention I can’t imagine even work making him miss something important for one of us. On Mother’s Day I excited asked Marc to invite his family. I wasn’t sure if they would be able to make it. His father still works and I wasn’t sure the schedule and his mom’s health isn’t the greatest. I heard back the night prior that they would be in attendance. I thought I would let them surprise Clare. Normally I would refrain from telling her who was coming because I was not ever sure who would really show up for her. This wasn’t the case yesterday as I knew Marc and his family would not ever let us down. I normally pace and watch the door hoping and praying not to be let down and get let down anyway. This time I was watching in pure excitement. I had no fear of that let down just anticipation for them to arrive and share the experience with us. I arrived to the school 45 mins early to acquire those front row seats I had to have. Clare’s face light up when Marc’s parents took their seats next to us. She cheesed so big at our applause. I knew she felt special. I knew her heart was full of the love and attention she was given. Mine was bursting. Each time Marc would rub down my arm and hold my hand I beamed. My smile made my face begin to hurt. I was just so happy sitting in those awful hard seats in that humid gymnasium. Clare performed perfectly. I could not have been more proud of her. I hollered her name in praise a few times. I got huge hugs upon departing and Clare was giving away hugs cheerfully. I have a family guys…. One that TRULY LOVES US!

Such a small sign of affection can have a massive impact on the heart <3

When I turned 13 my step dad entered my life. I know that must have been a wild ride for him. I had lots of boundaries to test and limits to push to make sure he wasn’t like everyone else had been. To make sure his love was genuine before I could or would let him in. I am still not sure that was ever obtained as a child but I can say that looking back now I remember far more good than I do bad when I recollect of memories of him. The biggest thing I remember is princess kisses and math home work. I was a whiz at math but I would pretend to not be so I could have his time helping me. I would even create homework I didn’t actually have for that time. Being a step dad the physical affection can be a bit more uneasy. I am sure that is why he gave me the kisses I so fondly called princess kisses. He would kiss my forehead and tell me he was proud of me for any good math grade. Typically a half hug around the top of my shoulders and a kiss to the forehead. I use to crave those things and bust ass on some math to get those lol. The other day my daughter and I in the car and she says mom you know what I like the most about Marc. She liked the hugs! He gives her a hug whenever she accomplishes a goal set before her or set by herself. He gives he a hug when she gets her school work up. He wraps his arms around her each time he is proud of her. It resonated deep within her as love. When she spoke so fondly of the hugs she loved I remembered the princess kisses I so adored. Marc fulfills that need for me now too as he knows those kisses meant so much as a child he showers me with them now too. Hailey said she never had anyone hug her like Marc does and I knew exactly what she meant. I know he is the one just as Rik was the one for my mother all those years ago. I know her resistance is the same I showed Rik. See she has opened up more than once to be left with a whole in her heart and Marc will have to take the time to mend it before that will dissipate. I know she loves him and I know she wants his time but giving time is a vulnerability she will not easily give him. I can’t wait for her wall to crumble and her revel in his love for her.

One Very Memorable Mother’s Day

One Very Memorable Mother’s Day

This year my Mother’s Day was far different than any other. Normally it’s pretty much like any other day. In fact most of the days that were intended to be my special days turned out pretty awful. When your in an abusive relationship it’s just kinda what happens. I don’t think a selfish man knows how to turn over an entire day devoted to another. I’ve gotten gifts from baby daddies and kiddos and my mother often not that I was never gifted or that it was not intended to make me feel good but the intention was never obtained that is for sure. This year started in complete chaos as the kids father whom they hadn’t seen in an entire year only had my day available to visit with the kids. So I had to give up my time for him. It took a lot of swallowing my pride to allow him that morning and to not let it show that it was hurtful to do so. I never want to share my kids. I am selfish in wanting all of their time. Time I know I won’t take for granted. I had made the arrangements for Keith to get his kids around 12 noon. That morning he called about 9 asking for them in thirty mins. I had kids in two seperate locations thinking I had still had several hours. I had the entire day planned out now here it was all about to change. Guess who hates change? ME! Of course I roll with the punches because this is for my kids. Mother’s never get a day to be selfish even on a day labeled for us. I got the kids all in one place just in time for Keith to arrive and pick them up. I was quite pleased that he showed and made effort and feeling a little less sad about sharing my time when I seen the excitement in my kids face to see him. After Keith took the kids I retreated back to the bedroom blogging while my love napped a bit. We got up and started to pack for our picnic day with his family and mine. We were to meet Keith at the park so we were preparing to pick up the 4 kids that weren’t with Keith. As we are  to walk out the door the phone rings. It’s Keith who is done and has nowhere to go with the kids about a hour before our scheduled meeting time. So change plans again and wait for him to bring us the kids back to Marc’s house before leaving to get the others. Marc had spent the morning making the chicken taco meat for the walking burrito bowls his sister had planned for the park. So thoughtful it was for her to take on planning and preparing so much amazing food. It was a huge deal to me Marc was making the meat. It seems silly since it was precooked and mixing in a crockpot but gosh was I just beaming at his effort. He isn’t much of a chef and doesn’t enough cooking much. I remember the next day noticing he had washed the crockpot too and that in itself warmed me from the inside. Dishes too are not the man’s thing. Paper products to avoid it at all cost was more his style. Anyway we finally get all the kids in two cars and transported to the park. Upon arrival I see his mom. It had been kept a complete surprise to her and you could see the delight in her face when we pulled in. She greeted each child she had yet to meet informing them they were able to call her grandma if they would like to. It was an extra special gesture to me maybe even more so than the kids. Perhaps my favorite moment of the day in fact. Especially for Paytyn. Paytyn has grandmothers but not those that are involved in any way in his life. If he were to run into them in public he would need to ask me who they are. I know that won’t be the case with Debbie and it felt uplifting. He needs more wonderful people to love him he just doesn’t have enough you know? Autism and bipolar are hard to manage at 6. I enjoyed so much the time we spent at the park as a family. It was not nearly as overwhelming as being with my own would have been. The judgement I feel with mine it’s just not there with Marc’s family. His sister easily laughed off some of Paytyn’s emotional outburst. They engaged in a loving manner at all times. I never get that none of us do. We see hanging with family as a chore. It’s sad and I have often tried to make more of an effort to not see it like that but I just can’t. We had some awesome food turns out April and Marc are both quite the cooks. 🙂 Marc’s mom and Hailey went for a short nature walk at the park and on the way home it was all Hailey could rave of. She has the most resistance for Marc so I was happy to see her bond. I know she wants to let him love her but she has a lot of distrust in her heart. Hard work it will be for Marc to show her he isn’t like that rest. That her behavior and harsh attitude with him at times is only her way of seeing if he will be here through anything. She wants to see if he means what he says because so many others didn’t. I know her actions well cause I was her. At her age in fact. I loved Rik wholeheartedly as my dad but letting him love me was a whole different story. I wish I could give my daughter the wisdom she needs to get through her emotions but I know this is a path she must conquer on her own because mom’s know nothing at this age. My Mother’s day at the park was an incredible high for me!! I was so filled with love. I counted 8 hugs that day between Marc’s mother and I. There was no key chain to tell me she loved me. She used actions and words. Pretty special moment for sure. After about 3 hours at the park it was too cold for the kids to be entertained anymore. In and out of the car and water they went. Malachi dove under and caught a large snapping turtle. Putting everyone in the park at awe for a moment. We all took pictures and set the little guy free again. Aaden he found a skeleton and giggled to no end while chasing his sisters with it. We seen and Engret across the water. We got to watch him for quite some time in fact and watched him take off in flight. He was a stunning bird. Upon leaving we headed to Marc’s I should have known this would not be a pleasant experience. Paytyn was not ever going to want to leave. As I thought it was a total meltdown. He was yelling and cursing outside in Marc’s yard. My gut wrenched at what would the landlord or neighbors think. I raced to get him and get him into the car. He kicked me and threw himself. “I hate you!!! YOUR A DICK!!! YOUR A JERK !!! I HATE MY LIFE!!! ” My tears were flowing. I get him into the car and a sibling holding him down and run inside to tell Marc I am leaving now! He looks at  me with a look I see as frustration. He throws his hands up and says I guess I will get there when I do.  I stop for a moment putting my arms around him and saying I am sorry don’t be upset at me. My son needs me to go and I race back out of the house. Marc follows right behind me and we leave at the same time Paytyn in my car. We get a few blocks before the screaming child in the back seat is opening the back door and trying to jump from the moving vehicle. My heart stops I pull over immediately and address the situation. His anger just continues to escalate. Hailey does her best to aide me in calming him to no avail. She holds him down for the rest of the trip into his seat buckled. I cry and cry. I can only think of Marc being angry, and me being a failure as a parent. My son hates me. I cried the entire ride. I ball in Marc’s arms as soon as we get home. He clarifies he wasn’t upset at me at all and just didn’t understand in the moment. He giggles at the thought of me being so upset from thinking he was upset. I calm and get the kids and house under control and Marc heads home. So my evening wasn’t the greatest but how great is it to not be going through that alone. I know my son loves me more then he loves anything else in the world but in those moments it’s hard to remember. Having Marc able to help defuse and help remind me of my son’s love in the moments he isn’t so loving is a true blessing. I had the very best Mother’s Day