What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Lately, as things move at the speed of light. I need to remind myself this is my life. Even a little bit of a pep talk to myself that I deserve the life that is mine. Thing is I love Marc more than I ever knew you could love. Seriously, it hurts me to think he is settling for me. I’ve told him a thousand times that when we take those vows there won’t be a day I don’t strive to be the best wife for him. He giggles at that not really knowing that I think he deserves far more than I can ever offer.

He loves me so perfect and I know he has found me to be his own. So I remind myself of that and strive to just be the best me for him. Sometimes I wonder if he had someone who matched his skill set or educational background he would have such a different life. Maybe more of the one he envisioned of himself? I can’t imagine he ever envisioned the coupon girl and her 8 kids in tote for his life.

Of course I am well aware of the amazing things my kids bring to the table. It’s just I’m always so grateful that he fell in love with me. That this life is the one he wants forever. The world knows by the time Marc found me I was as damaged as they come. I mean you kind of half to be to be texting your mother daily with help before I kill myself text right? There is no question that I was at that low that no one ever wants to see. Admittedly though this wasn’t my lowest just a low. He has been here through nothing but hard difficult times however together we really did conquer it like wasn’t much of a thing.

Everyday that I have therapy I’m asked what my goal is. It’s always the same. To be a better mother and wife. I have no other life goals then to love and care for Marc and the kids to the best of my ablity. Yet, I’m not sure I’ll ever feel I’ve done enough work on myself to be good enough for either in my mind.

Putting that diamond on my hand I had to blink a few times to make sure it was real life. I would have been happy with a walmart special that I couponed and Marc knew that. In fact I pretty constantly told him to take the ring money and use for a plane. So much that I bet he got tired of telling me things he wanted that was for sale because I would respond with get a cheaper ring and go buy your stuff!

His firm 4 paychecks to equal the rings worth left me feeling so much like a princess. Repeatedly stating I can’t believe you think I’m worth this much money! I’ve fet like trash my entire life. There wasn’t a person in this world I didn’t feel entirely replaceable to. I mean lets be real for me I felt like I had been replaced always. My aunt finally with her on pregnancy, my grandpa with my brother, my mom with my other brother. My mind will tell you that’s all that ever happened. Even employers using that replacable term that woud trigger emotional breakdowns. With Marc I’ve never had any feeling bubble up that I could ever be replaced. Though I tell myself 20 times a day I am not enough. He is there to tell me 100 that I’m more than he could ever want.

As I pick my items for my day, the dress, the hair pieces, the make up. It still feels surreal that somehow I found this perfect man. Somehow he decided to love me. Somehow I was the perfect fit for him. Now soon I’ll be his wife standing in front of the castle like the princess he makes me feel I am everyday!

One thought on “Everything feels surreal

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