What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Beginning to believe my bday is cursed. That or I’ve got it stuck in my head that it will be a bad day before it begins and so that’s exactly what I get. I really tried to project a good day and not let the endless amount of crap that piled on me not affect my mood.

However I failed. Spending the entire day sulking in my feelings was the exact result I got. My car winsheild having the largest out of no where three cracks I’ve ever seen left me devestated. Not to mention feeling insanely out of control. I had no clue how the cracks got there. I hadn’t been out of the car and never heard or seen it occur. Feeling completely at fault because it clearly wasn’t a ghost. Sending the text to Marc that I destroyed the car he worked so hard to make sure I had crushed my heart.

Marc though, he took it in complete stride repeatedly reassuring me it was not my fault. There was no error I had intentionally made it was simply something that happen. He really tries to settle me when I am consumed with blaming myself.

Next up my kids. Gosh, I want them so badly to make me feel like my bday ( or mothers day as those are my two days a year) is special to them. That they apprciate that they are my world and put far above myself and for my day I can relax and not stress anything. Crying repeatedly throughout the day shows that wasn’t the case though.

Selfish as it feels to be so damn sad. That’s all I felt for my bday. I wanted a cake from this donut place I love so much. So in advance I told them. Even far before I was showing post of the cakes from others and how much that would be my cake! The morning of my bday is when they decided they better get this cake. Myself, I know it takes far more planning then one hour before the donut shop closes to place a bday cake order. Informing the kids that they will probably get laughed at when they call to order. To my surprise they state they do have them. Of course I don’t know at the time that hailey and the donut shop are miscommunicating. It’s one cake donut not a donut cake that they have.

Klowey thinks they have scored my cake without any planning at all. Now she is right in my face laughing at me for my comment about the donut place will laugh when they call to order with hour notice. She is literally mocking me for my bday. Taunting see your kids do care they did get you your damn cake. Now I’m insanely sad. I feel shitty for making my comment. Feeling low for not being important enough to preplan. At this point I know I am nothing but a last thought to my kids and that they are oblivious to my feelings today.

Tears are still shedding when they send me a picture of the donut in a bag. Is this a cake mom? That blow with the picture now takes me even lower. To shake this funk blues I need a good lunch with my handsome. Off I go, Allen driving to the sub shop for a lunch date with my better half and oldest.

I enjoy my lunch trying to avoid my phone and all that is going on with it. See months before my bday the kids asked to plan something that I would like. A water park day with all of us together. The kids however never planned anything. However they did plan things for themselves. Even the week of my bday when they tried to plan a water park and realized it was too late they then decided to try to plan a concert for themselves instead stating my bday would need to be moved out months to accomdate no plan. So for that entire week I sat listening to how I was the last thought. The last thing that needed to be planned. I heard statements of mom won’t care if we do this instead.

Here is my bday and now none of them have done anything. Malachi is frantic on the phone with a spa. Mom when do you have a day you could go. Today was the only day. I take care of all your needs any other day. Take you all to work and back and work myself. So that’s a no go. Now the rest are frantic. Hailey rushes to walmart lets grab mom the same gift card we got her last year that we personally know she has not used yet since she never goes there and won’t drive. In fact hailey is the only one to use the gift card she got me last year and now there is two. Again, how ungrateful I feel for not being appreciative. However I’m already so blue I can only think of how much of a last minute thought I am.

The little boys, gifted them money to buy my gift with. But at the store they decide that since mom likes home made gifts they would rather spend the gift money on themselves. I go through a speach of how if you spend your gift money and you don’t make a thoughtful home made gift you would really leave me feeling so sad. Bday is here. They didn’t make anything. Didn’t even say happy bday to me.

Back to that cake. I give them a second back up that I really like. Making sure to be specific cause a similar one to it I really dislike. They decided even though I tell them not to look at the store where they are and to come to our town to look to do the opposite. Meaning that they end up with the cake I really dislike.

I have made it home only to be given a list of things the kids need me to do. The wifi is too slow upstairs please go stop at our aunts and grab router. Please get our needs for next week work lunches. The list goes on and on. So when I stop home I inform them that it looks like the meal they have planned to cook me the meat is not defrosting in time. I state if this isn’t all the way defrosted by the time I’m at sams club you need to tell me I will have to buy more or dinner will be a bust.

I go to sams, I get the router, I even stop at walmart for a cake I will eat because the $30 one they got remember is the one I really really don’t like. I know the tradtion of singing in my room will come and there has to be cake for it. I walk into the house to unload. I’m alone for all these errands while everyone at home is laying down resting. No one ever went to find new cake. No gift. No spa gift card nothing at all. Walking in the door first thing I see is that dinner is frozen. Not one of them told me.

Now it’s all going to be a bust. I won’t even get dinner. Malachi goes to the store. At the time we are normally eating to rebuy. Hailey buys a bag of chocolates. The same one that marc buys me literally every holiday as a tradition. She now gives that and says it’s from boys. Remember I called boys out in the am. They had this entire day to make me something but didn’t. They played video games. Now they are in my face cheesing about how they did get me a gift now so I can’t be sad.

Poor marc is down the road buying the same candy when he pulls out and his car dies. He has to push off the road and make the call to me. They our timing belt and heads are bad. HE is on the side of the road and I need to come get him. He has no clue about the day. I’m already still in tears.

Get there. Tow driver states 3 hours. So It’s me who makes the decision for us to go home for dinner and come back. Im too worried to leave a key with the car. We get home dinner is just done. It’s only been one hour. We go to make plates and tow guy is now heading to car. WE must stop dinner and deal with that instead. Leaving the food to get cold.

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