What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I spent far too much time this past week caught up in the actions of others. Having one of the baby daddies working with your adult and teen children is far over rated. Worst is engaging with him though. Disappointed in myself that I gave him the satisfaction of getting to me. He wanted to brag that he was somehow above the others. That his presence at my kids work didn’t negatively affect his son.

Clearly that being the furthest from the truth. As aj has to daily hear his Dad’s brags at work. The new vehicles, the home, the nights out. He gets to know all that trumps him. As he is not in his father’s life. Aj has to hear that the accountability for John lies directly on Aj and Aj shoulders alone. As John only heard the anger and not the pain when aj told him to stay out of his life.

He didn’t see those words as an opening to fix the pain he and only he created. Instead he seen it as an excuse to use for him to do exactly what he was in the first place. Now the blame could be on aj’s shoulders instead of John’s because aj said he didn’t want to see him anymore.

The pain I feel for my son. The repressed memories of my own it brings up. Lead me to engage and sound off like a mama bear at John. His I have t o get on my feet before I can do for my kid. Cut me like a knife! Does he think I never fell on my face? Had life hit me to the point where I thought I’d never survive? Of course I have! However I can’t use the excuse like he can. By the time he bragged of his 6 weeks of $38 child support payments I was nothing but fueled with anger at him.

He said I “PAY” support use it on my son. Did this man seriously just take a dig at me? Is he implying I don’t use support on my kids? He can’t be serious! These kids are so well taken care of how the hell could those words be muttered.

With one click I had him blocked again. Why did I ever write? Knowing nothing good would come from it. The very next day the child support is just $8 this man was just bragging knowing he already quit the job and that chump change wouldn’t even be there either….

One deep breath and a reminder of how blessed the life I built mine truly is. Walked up to Aj’s room. He has his own room these days. A brand new bed he just picked out. His streaming system all set up. He has the entire space decked out. Lights and posters galore. This little boy has everything in life but the father he always needed.

I can’t give him that father. I’ve tried. However one look at Aj and you know he’s blessed. Not just the financial needs that are met. He’s showered in love. He has the extended family in Marc’s bloodline. He has his best friend in his brothers. Aj is intelligent and so kind. The compassion just oozes from his being and I don’t have to continue to stress what I didn’t give. What I can’t make John be. There is peace in the blessed life Aj and I have.

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