What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

It’s super apparent that I hate driving. There is not a part of my being that finds anything enjoyable about being behind the wheel of any vehicle. It’s just not my cup of tea. So when driving I tend to take the same repeated routes and limit where I even travel to.

For many years my biological father has resided in the same home. Four the last four years the path to my own home is the same that I took to go to my dad’s. Being just 16 and memorizing that way to his home. At 17 myself and my husband borrowed a beater truck from him and got lost on the two turns it took to get there. Just not driving down far enough to find the turn. Thinking it was closer than it was. I remember having to call my dad in the middle of the night to tell him I was lost on the road I was so certain was correct.

His anger that day for us borrowing the truck. Returning it with less gas than when we took it. Returning it late into the night. It’s a memory that I think of almost every single time I drive to pay my mortgage. The bank a direct route to my father’s house. My first car accident was on the way to him as well. So that drive often will lead to the memory of the crash. Flying over the trunk of my car to get to the babies that were smashed in my backseat.

This same path I use now for my daily needs is a floodgate of emotions. I’ve thought just drive another street it really can’t be that difficult to break this habit. One street over will certainly get me to the same places. Yet, still I drive and remember.

Never of course has it even crossed my mind to drive to his house. I mourned my family and let go so many years ago to me in my mind and for my sanity they are gone. Gone from the life I have now. Mental health depending on carefully keeping all those memories at a distance. I see Marc from time to time catching me getting lost in the memories on the path we drive often.

He simply grabs my hand and I seek to find his heartbeat and focus. Letting the memory fade till the next drive on that path. I gave some thought recently to opening the door to find understanding again. Maybe rebuild on the broken relationships that I no longer maintain with the family I share blood. However then I would go through mourning twice.

I have rebuilt life and let go except those times I drive the path. Even then it’s just this brief flutter before I am able to regain reality and let go. Yesterday, driving to the bank seemed like such a feat like I was paralyzed in those emotions of the past. The memories literally took over my entire mind. The good, the bad, and the ugly all resting in the forefront of my mind.

Pulling over the car, I couldn’t even breathe. Only a drive to the bank. A path I drive often and yet here I was consumed by memories and pain. WIll this forever be my brain stuck on these memories that I can’t escape? Will I just drive a new path next time? Let go? What will it take to just heal!?

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