What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Christmas was pretty peaceful although the entire day I continued to keep thinking of the next day. The day after Christmas my Mom would stop for a Christmas exchange. This hadn’t happened in years and it had been even longer than that that I had had her inside my home to visit. Most of her visits occur at the driveway and she never enters or even stays more than moments at a time.

It was an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Uncomfortable with what she would think of my home. Is it clean enough for her standards. Even the thought that she may call cps if it wasn’t came across my mind. Thinking very easily there would be a lot of judgement towards my home and life.

The night before I was up all night. What will she think of the animals? Will the fresh chop { the fruit and veggies mix for the birds) create flies the morning of and her get a fly to the face when she walks in? I couldn’t stop the thoughts in my brain and I barely slept at all.

It’s hard to swallow the judgement of your own family. To be honest I’ve only ever felt judgement. My mother could say to me a million times I was a good mother the history shows she doesn’t really feel that way. The struggles I had as a mother is all I felt anyone ever seen.

Too many times it was about what I wasn’t doing right. That has clouded any compliment ever given. I tried to just put the thoughts out of my mind. However when the morning of her arrival came I was insanely riddled with anxiety. The house was never going to be clean enough.

Her arrival was in the middle of me taking a couple puffs of cannabis to ease my anxiety. Yet, when she arrived during those puffs it was an instant great my mom will label me a pot head parent. It never eased for me. I was uncomfortable the entire visit. Couldn’t find words to have conversations. Everything made me uneasy. She handed me a blanket with this sweet saying and I love you message. For me it was another way to not have to say the words to me or give me her time. I couldn’t even see it for the positive it was.

The visit went fine and yet I couldn’t even enjoy it. Couldn’t let go of what was and couldn’t see her love for me or the kids. Kept going back to she doesn’t have the time to even give you. She volunteers close and yet it’s been driveway visits. She never plans time with us. It’s not a priority and when she is around my kids it feels as though she is parenting them instead of being nana. Like squats to learn to close a door… Can’t you just hang out and learn us. But that’s exactly what she is doing in this visit she is just visiting and yet my brain just fills with all the past.

I’m not sure I know how to change my mindset. To let go of what was and see what is now. So badly I wanted to enjoy the time we had but I didn’t. Instead I sat sulking in the negative feelings I have attached to her presence. 🙁 It’s a lonely place I’m sitting in.

Blanket From My Mother

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