What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

It’s always been a clear fact that I have had anxiety. Defining that a little further I would label it as social anxiety. Lately, I’ve felt it at a much thicker presence.

In Walmart, which as a coupon princess I can easily be in that store 6 times a day, the self check out stopped working. I had maybe four or more separate orders one to pay for the one behind it. Everything already all out on the belt in the exact order I wanted it scanned and bagged. Exactly the way my head needed it to be for it to all just make sense for my coupon needs. When the machine breaks it’s an instant panic in my chest. By the time the cashier comes to me I’m making circles in the palm of my hand. The words ” I need to get a manager” My hand is already red and raw in my circle pattern.

It’s like lightening speed I can spin those circles into my hand. I scan the Walmart for Marc even though I know he is most certainly at work and not with me. Knowing need him it’s instantly when the cashier walks away that I am texting Marc my situation. Even though it’s the last thing I should do he’s at work. It’s simply a machine down.

The manager can’t fix things. I’m sure everyone near can see the distraught all over my face. Three cashiers and the manager all within my 6 feet now. My panic turns to anger. Before I even can get a grasp they are touching my groceries and I’m losing my ever loving shit. Most of the cashiers see me daily. I’m polite above anything you typically see. If you move from my way it’s always ” thank you that was very kind of you, followed by you have a great or fabulous day. Yet, here I am just looking like a complete fool.

There’s no hope now. I’m letting them all know if they touch my items bagged or unbagged I will not pay for them and they can return it all. I need to do it all. I need to move unbag and re ring at another check out. Otherwise I will walk away and simply rebuy. I also demand 6 feet like a total lunatic. My breathing and speaking is in a complete hyperventilating state.

Text to Marc I am sure reflect the same emotional state I was communicating in the store. However he is responding as if he understood everything to a T. Telling me it’s not my fault. That he is available for me to call him or he is more than willing to call the store as well.

I moved and rescanned and bagged all my items. Listening to the cashiers gossip of me and telling myself I hope they never had anxiety to battle of their own. Thinking how would I look the next six visits to this same store.

Recently tried to communicate again with old friends. Honestly, I know that ship has sailed we just aren’t the same anymore but I lack the knowledge or even the atmosphere to have new friends so same ole same ole is how it stands. Getting sick put a damper on meeting up and then boom my kids dad is back working at the job I was swore by every angle he would not again. My brain said all those old friends knew and didn’t tell you.

Sides and lines drawn in the sand was instant for me. I knew he posted working to face book and all those mutual friends knew. I deleted everyone mutual. Then a step further to delete those who were friends with his friends. My face book tends to be a place to vent. Exactly what it shouldn’t be used for. But it does… and I can’t seem to change the habit to well so it’s best I just keep caution to who is on my list.

I told Marc if anyone I delete comes and asked why I deleted them. I’d be honest and heartfelt. Even if it sounded petty I would just be real. Then see where went from there. Cause a true friend would just understand my craziness and need to protect my kids. A mother would even more so. If any of them instead came simply asking about the gifts I spoke of doing then I would not communicate further at all.

The gifts were all ready and had nothing to do with my deleting I am a ding dong ditcher anyway… I would have still done such. I’m just sick. I have been sick for a hot minute and the kids have passed it about like crazy. Every time I thought I was on the mend it changed directions on me again. However either those deleted just didn’t say anything… Not even asking why I didn’t meet up. Knowing I had been sick for weeks before. Or they only messaged about gifts.

I felt the blow of all I had gone through emotionally to attempt to maintain friendships with these old friends. There isn’t anything reciprocated at all. Nothing is gained except more anxiety and uneasiness. The why do I put myself through this set in again.

Truthfully I rather enjoy it just being the kids and marc and I. It’s peaceful and what I know. I like the quiet life to myself so much I just am not sure I need to look for more or put that effort in any longer.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.