What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Clare's flowers

Ever just wish you had the power to control the thoughts that race about in your brain? That’s my feeling this am. Badly longing for vacation to begin but allowing worry into my racing brain for all the what ifs. This trip could sincerely trigger me. I’ve had two weeks without therapy. Something I haven’t not had now every single week in years. So I wasn’t able to go in and lay out all those worries. Didn’t get that help to process them. Now I sit in them.

There is so much to look forward to. The drive alone is going to be so memorable. However the tent. Camping in the same state as we ended up so homeless and desperate my first pregnancy as a child still myself. Can I just let all that go and sit in the new happy memories I will create? I sure hope so. I’ve truly been working so hard at that let go part.

It’s my time to replace the negative with the positive. I’m going to enjoy this vacation in it’s entirety. This will be my new Alabama memory. Wiping away the old and freeing myself of that pain.

I’ve spent the week making sure I have all the details in place. Like making sure we had a shower for the tent portion of vacation. Or meal prepping for the week we are gone. Thinking if you keep yourself busy making sure things are perfect your brain won’t have time to worry.

It worked until the second something was off. Marc is selling his old car as I have given him mine now. Well there was a guy stopping to buy yesterday. Never in all the times Marc told me that was happening did I remember I am the wife. Finding the title is my duty…. I can’t ever find anything. Truly, I am pretty organized but this car was a pre house together buy. No idea where that would even be.

Panicked instantly and every single worry about the trip is now flooded my mind. On my anniversary and Marc’s bday I’m totally falling apart. This one little hiccup is all it takes for me to be hiding in tears beside my bed thinking I had ruined and done everything wrong. That’s just how it works. Fixated on the positive praying the negative vibes stay away and one small thing crashes me completely.

Not like I meant to just fall apart over a lost title. There was no reason it’s just well I did. So I’ve already by this time gotten Marc into the dmv for Monday morning and I’ve done all I can to find out if I can get sooner. It’s impossible. The man leaves the sale is dead in the water without title. In Marc’s face I see his disappointment. Not once has he really put it on me. In fact the man uses “we” each time in reference to this missing title.

I can’t hear the “we” it’s the one word each time he speaks of the title that falls on deaf ears. I’m sinking in this sad depressed it’s all my fault I ruin everything feeling. It’s literally engulfing me. However there is hope. Since I know now how to cue Marc in to help me. I start to rub circles into my palm. It calms me a bit and centers me to focus on making circles. Kind of helps to stop and slow the thinking. Marc will see it almost instantly every time. He stops everything and sits with me in the chair. He is my mind reader and already knows I’m taking the blame for this missing title and it’s the end of the world. More so because my mind is telling me Marc blames me.

Remember… the “we” I could not ever hear. Even though I knew he said it. I even told him when he said we it really meant me. Because that’s how my brain works. I know that I’m the one who checks mail. I do the bills, the finances, and I would have organized the title. When he sat with me I explained it being my fault. He reassured me that a lost title was not an issue. There was no fault to be had.

Quickly he settled me to a clam state. His love surrounded me and made me feel secure again. In an instant I can believe that I’m not worthy of love. During those moments I need the most love and patience. Luckily it’s exactly what I get from Marc. Once he had settled me down I think about 7 mins it took to find the missing title. Exactly where it should have been.

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