What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I honestly have wanted and well did write so many times since the last post. But only in my head while driving the back country roads to and from therapy. Or in the quite moments I am in the kitchen baking or laundry room folding. It seems it’s so easy to blog when my fingers aren’t touching the keys. Not really how it works though right?

It’s almost 4 years now for my current relationship. Still safe to say it’s absolutely the healthiest relationship I’ve had in my entire life. With any adult at any time, I’ve never had what I have now. It’s a security on both ends that I’ve never known. It’s shown me how much love is a choice. One that I enjoy choosing daily as well as nurturing every chance I get.

It’s far easier to know a choice deep in your heart when you have spent so much of your relationship going through the hard shit. Maybe all of life is the hard shit right? However, these past four years have really hit with life altering bad times. That strengthened us in ways I had no idea it could. Forcing us to confide more and trust in each other deeply. We have become quite the force together.

Some of my time was being spent working on building new friendships and relationships with other adults recently. That really bombed for me. I’m not sure what exactly I was looking for in my journey with that but it was clearly unsuccessful. It just was the same for me. I spread myself so thin trying to be the perfect friend. The one that gave and gave till she depleted herself. The negative comes so quickly when you have nothing left to give. For me, I realized it was time to just focus on what brings me joy. The kids and the time I spend with my family in these four walls.

Hailey being away really sets in that my children are all almost done being raised. They are all going to soar and find their own path not lead by me but by whatever I instilled that stuck around with them. Allen is finally finding the path he wishes to take. Finishing his high school education just a bit behind. Malachi with huge plans for the marines. Clare ready to be a neonatal nurse. Most of the teens are working these days and there is more and more time apart.

The little are struggling for sure with the big siblings spreading their wings. They have been the tightest bunch since birth and it’s hard to see your siblings leave. The covid restrictions in place means no sleepovers at Hailey’s dorm. That crushed Paytyn’s heart entirely!

Planning our next vacation. Marc found a fly in and well he had pretty much skipped out all summer to be at my side taking care of me through surgeries. So of course I want to make sure he got to go to this fly. It’s in Alabama. So a road trip together and time in the sky for him. Really I don’t mind at all that it’s a flying trip with his guys. There is such peace at the field for me. We leave in less than a month though and I don’t know the area at all.

When he asked if I had been to Alabama. Floodgates of awful memories arose. Thinking of being homeless. Living in the car on Keith’s round trip to Alabama. I was just 17 years old at the time. Starving was an understatement for that trip. It wasn’t till I cried out for help from Rik and got back to Michigan that I realized I was pregnant that whole trip. Hard to believe that at 17 I was living in a car driving the states. Following the man I would have 4 children with on his I am going to be a rich gold miner adventure.

That was a whole different life than the one I have now. A life my kids will absolutely never know. Tools are provided to them to understand their mental health and know they never have to grow up before they are ready. Never have to fear being able to come home or being wanted there. My kids damn well know come home, come home often. My empire is built for you. I won’t take it to the grave it’s yours to share always.

At the end of the day… Life is good! It’s grand even. I’m so content in my journey in my parenting and in my relationship that nothing can cloud my day. Each day is simply a blessing!

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