It’s been so long since I have written here again. It’s becoming more of a habit to not write than to write. The therapy this use to held it just doesn’t anymore. I miss writing in ways that I didn’t think who was reading or maybe I didn’t care. Now that thought is constantly in the back of my mind. I’m not sure how raw it is if that’s the case.
However here I am. Sharing what I’m willing I guess. So many changes in my home. Hailey went off to college. Except she is still home far more than she is at college. For me that’s helping rip of the band aid of my children growing up! It’s hard to let go of your babies. Harder than I ever anticipated.
She is soaring and grasping what adult hood is like. The struggles and the triumphs are hers to go through. Oozing with pride am I at her journey.
Surgeries have been intense for me! Marc has truly been more incredible than I dreamed he would be. Not just with physically helping me but mentally this has been tough and he has been such a strength for me. He got his time to shine and show his adorning love again. Of course I soaked it up like a little sponge. His love it’s intoxicating for me.
We have been through so much in these past four years. I devoted that no matter his flaws I’d be there through it. Making sure that he understood that even though my mental health sometimes leads me to speaking to much about us I’d never speak about the negative to anyone but his mother. Explaining that his mother would never see him in any light but perfect. She would never hold a grudge or see him as flawed. She sees him how I do when thinking clearly. So if there is a time I’m not thinking clearly and I need to vent to vomit all the thoughts in my head that are typically a hot ass mess. They will only be to the one who can see him in no negative light. This makes sure to never let negative outside influence in.
Proud of me for realizing my mental health sometimes just makes me need to be heard. At the same time knowing that the ears that hear need to be the ones that have understanding. Marc knows that I truly only have his best interest at heart even when I’m emotional that way.
My relationship has grown immensely in these past few months. We get closer when I think we can’t possibly. Sharing things that I never thought I could speak out loud. Him too, I see his trust in me now more that I ever have. That bond is never going to be broken and my faith in that is like nothing else I’ve ever experienced.
Since the graduation I’ve spoken to my mother quite regularly. I’ve not shared that a whole lot with anyone. Sometimes I text just wanting her to see like you were all wrong. Look at my babies and what I accomplished raising them. Then other times I’m simply longing family.
As far as the rest of the family. My aunt’s words still haunt me. My interpretation of her apology or at least I think that is what she was attempting was more painful than not having one at all. For me she was saying, I thanked another man for putting up with you and your kids. Like…. uhhhh we are a prize. He doesn’t just put up with us. We make his life better, fulfilled, have a purpose. It’s me and the kids that also take care of him. Just as much as he does us. I could almost see in her eyes she thought thank God this man came in and saved her. She doesn’t see at all we saved him too.
There is a pain inside that burns so deep when they look at me and my kids as a burden. They have no idea Marc was off work so much last year for his own surgeries. That I carried us through. They don’t know I pay half of everything here and all the grocery, toiletry, and animal needs is all cared for by just me. It feels like they look at this house and think that he is the only one who worked his ass off for it.
Marc and I are so intertwined and have been really since the very beginning. Our income entirely as one and both of us truly busting ass to provide this life. He has more for himself and in the bank now then before he took on this ready made family. And I have so much more as well. Together we mesh as one well oiled machine. Us as a team is the perfect life. Marc being just as lucky as I that we fell into each others laps.
I stayed in such an abusive relationship after another because I always heard no man wanted so many kids. We are a burden is truly how my family made me feel. They lead me to believe I wasn’t a prized package but one that I needed to be grateful any man would accept and don’t be to choosey. There was a pedestal that men who beat me were on because they played house to my kids.
The day after one of the most severe beatings I had gotten from my daughters father. My step dad gave him a truck. Not just gave but gave and told him not to put in my name. Not to trust me it was not for me. I was the one working and I was in college at the time. It lead me to believe those beating were what I was worth and deserved. I wasn’t capable of having anything better than that. Honestly, I was lucky to be beat everyday cause I could be homeless and alone on the streets.
When my aunt told me she thanked Marc for being with me. For giving us that life and for taking on the kids or however she worded it. All the flood gates opened. My worth was always shown to me by my own blood. Weather it be needing to be grateful for some loser man. Or anticipating if I was worth going home to or if I would return from church camp to be thrown into foster care or juvenile.
Thinking of those moments in my life where the ones who are suppose to instill confidence and build your self esteem crushed me like a bug. I’ve tried hard to show my kids that they are imperfectly perfect and deserve nothing but the best treatment. They are worth anything and anyone they desire. That they are a million dollar prize and never have to settle.
I’m at a place that I can speak up and tell my mom stop. You don’t get to make me feel this way or say that. So I opened the door for communication. I can’t say the same about the rest of the blood family. Therefore I still have all those communication outlets closed. My heart says it will probably always remain closed. They don’t see what pain their words and actions have.