What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Each social setting seems to show me more how much my social anxiety is taking control. Longing for family for so long and now that I have some… I get tongued tied and can’t even speak when in their presence. Over the weekend I went to a social event. One that should have been my perfect setting. However I just do not feel comfortable around people at all.

My cousin was there working a booth. Can’t say that I know him well. In fact I can’t say I know him at all. However I have always wanted too. As teens we often had social circles that aligned. At one time I even dated one of his friends. He was always the cousin I thought I’d have so much in common with.

Over the past few years I’ve been trying to just be present. Saying, ” hi” literally takes everything. It’s like the words can’t leave my mouth. I don’t feel worthy of speaking. Worried I’ll say the wrong thing. Or look like a fool. Then once I’m passed the hi and onto the conversation I either am lost without words to speak or foaming at the mouth and unable to shut the fuck up.

It’s legit been couple years now since reconnecting with my cousin and meeting his family. I’m still ding dong ditching gifts and saying hi from my car. Not having what it takes for more and being completely and uttering overwhelmed just by that.

Marc’s sister, Oh how much I have always wanted a sister. A close sibling in general with a bond… Now here is my chance right. Except literally every conversation I have with the poor girl I am commanding and cutting her off. I can’t shut my mouth for her to get a phrase out. I’m stuck in the hyper drive so excited to talk. Trying so hard to catch myself and apologize over and over.

It’s the same situation with friends. I can’t find my place in the conversation. It feels so awkward and uncomfortable. They want to know about my life… personal details like my upcoming surgery. For me it’s not possible to allow those personal conversations. I have no trust for anyone and just feel like whatever friends I may have I wouldn’t if they knew my details.

I’ve withdrawn from personal connections. Those I spent the pandemic trying to build I allowed to crumble quite quickly. There is peace in my solitude though. It’s easy to put my focus on my family and their future. The hard stuff is building those relationships or even maintaining them that are outside of my four walls. Speaking any truth to Marc truly comes very natural to me. But to anyone else it’s far more difficult than I am even able to put into words.

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