What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I was so nervous anticipating the graduation I forgot to enjoy it when the day arrived. The flood gates of emotions poured in as family flooded my yard. Hailey’s father the only one not willing to stay and support her. He made a b line for the door just as fast as he arrived.

Nothing went as planned with the day. The photo’s barely taken. Guestbook hardly signed. One word of wisdom hit the box. I wanted so badly to give her all of these keepsakes and memories but none of that happened. It was like being in a yard full of strangers for me. I felt no connection to any of them.

Smiling through was much easier than I expected. My only desire was to make sure my child wore a smile and felt loved. That was happening and nothing else mattered at all. It all happened super fast. As quickly as everyone came they all went. Hailey didn’t have many friends show for her. But many family members did come.

I took on the world it felt like for that party. Making sure nothing for it came from the family budget. Taking on Hailey’s tuition, her entire wish list, and her endless party wants on my shoulders alone. Not that I had too it’s just hard to share the burden of parenting when you have only ever known doing it on your own. I didn’t want to burden Marc by putting anything on our budget or from his income. I needed to be over the top for my kid. Fulfilling my needs without taking from others was all I thought of. I succeeded at that. The party had everything Hailey had desired and it didn’t put a burden on anyone but me. Empowering to think I can pull of whatever I think the kids desire.

At the party my family felt like total strangers. When I had my aunt come up and tell me how she thanked Marc for taking on such a huge feat of me and the kids. My mind went straight to wow… They think he did us a favor…. They have no idea we are a prize. Taking on 7 kids isn’t just some huge undertaking. It’s a huge blessing!!!! We are just as much of a prize. We bring so much to the table me and the kids. We are not some burden someone is taking on. That statement rings in my head still. Coming right after some apology from however she may have made me feel over the years.

I wanted to scream NO!!!! There is not a medal to give for taken on me and the kids. Strong and determined I wanted to stand up for myself and say can’t you see how the hell you made me think that we were a burden and I would be lucky to find any man so just settle for the one willing to take you on. I stayed in so much abuse with that mindset. Any apology was washed away directly. I swallowed everything said. Smiled and quickly moved away. Facts are I still have no voice.

Later I cried to Marc that I wish they had seen us as the prize for him. That they had seen him as the lucky ones for gaining all of us as a family. He held me while I just cried. I wanted a perfect day for my daughter and in her mind it absolutely was. But for me it’s just the same. I don’t fit the family I was given. They see me as nothing more than a burden that they are grateful if anyone but them takes on.

No one in my family has a clue the asset I am. Does that even matter though? Cause I call the shots on when they are around so I can chose not to hear or feel this shit right? I don’t miss out on anything by them being blind…. I created the family the kids and I needed. We are supported and loved and it matters none that those doing it are not blood related. I clearly know what me and the kids bring to the table. It’s clear to me how I have improved Marc’s life just as he has ours. We are great for each other. Lifting up and matching our love and dedication in each other.

I think that the graduation was what Hailey needed, But me as well. It was the closing of the door on me having any relationship with family. It’s never going to be the healthy relationship I need and therefore it will always need to be at a distance for me. For me I just can’t see a reason to keep anyone in my life who doesn’t see my worth. I can’t grow if I surround myself by those wanting to hold me down.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.