What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

It’s been such a long month! Like seriously so long. Emotionally it’s felt as though I was on the biggest and boldest rollercoaster known to man. Hailey graduated. She did it. Her being her mother’s child and all. She wants so badly to show her family her accomplishments and feel their pride. Longing to be loved and longing for a big family. Sometimes the sibling and I just can’t fill what she needs.

So of course we are all in on supporting her bringing all her family together to beam over her. This week we heard… well she did… I was pretty clear with her upfront I’d do what I could to get her contact information but couldn’t be the one making contact. Anyway my bio dad told her he will be there for her. I knew right away she was pumped and bursting with excitement the moment he wrote her. My heart sank hoping he wouldn’t disappoint her.

I thought to myself. This is the time. If he shows for my kid. If he makes her day about her can forget the child support nonsense. Or the you were an out of control teen by time I got you… If he can just stick to I am so proud of you Hailey. I love you. My pain I will swallow and my suffering I will forgive. Without a second thought to be honest. My kids are my entire world. Their happiness is mine.

Badly I desire to let go of my pain and focus on my family is all coming together. Something I have never dreamed possible and always longed for. They will be here celebrating my daughter. Who just broke the cycle. Isn’t a teen mom… graduated… and is going to college. Which I paid for! ON MY OWN! Legit everything college related has all been just me and Hailey. How can my family not be proud of us doing all they thought was impossible. From the school they thought wasn’t “real” enough for them. But it’s so hard not to allow the thoughts of they may not show to creep in. What if they have all set her up to be standing and waiting… Not as though they haven’t done that to me a time or two. How do I stop forseeing the worst case? Fucking survival mode always there in the back of my mind saying the worst of the worst is coming.

And if it does… If they all don’t show up… It’s my fault for letting them in again. Letting them hurt her. Disappoint her. I gave her the contact. I planned the party and I 100 percent will feel the burden if they let her down. any of them….. Just want her to have the day she deserves. The family, love, and attention she craves so much.

Ugh life is hard. Why must I be such a fucking emotional ass creature?

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