What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Her Day


Here we are… The clock is ticking to my daughters big day. Everything seems to fall short of perfect in my mind for her. I can’t buy or do enough to show how truly proud I am of her. Graduating, turning 18, and moving to dorm. She has held a job for years now. Secure enough to ask for a raise when she felt she deserved it. Switched jobs when she seen room for her own growth. Literally everything I could dream for her.

Plans to be a judge with an entire law path in front of her. She has no doubts in who she is or what she wants to be. I instilled in her she needs no one and can do anything her heart desires.

My room fills with decorations and party games. Buying tables and helium tanks… hell even entire vintage popcorn machines. But sadly there is one thing I can’t provide for her. It’s not in my abilities to give her the love she so desires from “family” My poor princess thought her party would be this healing bridge and a way for her herself to rebuild on relationships lost or never gained.

Supporting her I gave her whatever information I had to reach out to family. Which to be honest was very very little at this point. I’ve worked very hard on my own mental health and building boundaries to how I allow myself to be treated and the vibes I allow into my environment. My therapist will tell you I created a new enviroment right inside the old one when I was unable to leave. I’ve built a safe place now and I’ve thrived inside.

It didn’t take long for the negative vibes to seep in. Now the grandma we had been told was suffering severe dementia has the ability to text message and lay guilt and blame. With statements to the effect of your nana cries everyday cause she isn’t allowed to see her grandkids. My poor kid. Her heart just breaking because her version isn’t the same. She reaches to her nana the most out of all the kids. To be honest probably more than my brother and I ever have. My mom rejects her outlets to contact her. She decides to have Facebook hiatuses and then not see the messages… even knowing this is regularly how she has grandkids contact her. Hailey very much remembers just a few years ago when we moved closer to my mother and her baby brothers asked.. and asked to go visit her. To spend the night. She said no. She literally had an excuse for every single time. When she took the kids she chose on the time she chose it was to do what she chose. Often things that made the kids miserable. Not this lets get to know my grandkids but instead lets question them on every mistake I FEEL they are making. Allen just came back from being doped into being with my mom on a visit with my brother. Between my brother and mom my kid can back with literally zero self esteem. Hailey tries to respectfully say her verison realizing that now she would be hit with her is your cousins babies. The ones I wish you could meet because they are perfect.

The same cousins who the kids came to me about after Christmas saying that they felt inferiors to. That they felt like they were not seen or seen as lower than them. The kids were uncomfortable at holidays. Feeling as though they were a lower class of family. At that time I decided we wouldn’t share Christmas with them. So that the kids weren’t faced with seeing every cousin get loaded with expensive tailored to their likes and wants gifts while they were given second hand pile of stuff saying we knew one of you would be bound to like something in this stack. The 25 cent stickers still on. It was fine for me to feel those feelings my entire life. Being gifted toilet paper while my brother got tvs and video games. Because I was clearly the failure in comparison but no way would I have let my kids feel the same.

I went to my mother that Christmas. Explaining our feelings and how we didn’t mean to offend but we felt we needed to celebrate separately. That the piling in the living room of grandmas to be made felt the lowest on the totem pole was no longer a place we wanted to be. Claiming to be the understanding mother who wanted to change for the better of our emotional needs she asked if we would go to her home for the holiday instead. I went against all of my better judgement because I love my mother and I went. Guess what…. IT was the same bullshit. The cousins not present but grandma and grandpa there to literally tell the kids what they didn’t see. To tell them how they did this and that for the rest of the family but don’t worry this year because of your complains we didn’t even get you some yard sale trash. Your worth nothing at all now. But we used the extra money and got everyone else some scratch offs. Then when you tell your mom do not buy guns… Even though they are on the kids list they are not ready…. She buys exactly that. For the kid least ready. Making him receive the gift from his list and the rest not… Him clearly getting a more expensive gift and things clearly not being fair yet again.

I decided then I no longer wished to have this type of relationships in my life. I blocked numbers and begun to heal through things. Not once was anyone told not to come to my home. My mother has done a few drive way drive byes as I call them. Where she can’t be bothered to take time to interact just drop off stuff take some pictures and make herself look like an involved grandparent. To be honest always thought they were for facebook show.

Now Hailey continued to update. Would even sing and do stupid cute shit for my mom’s bday. ( secretly I reminded on bday…. but shhh) Then my mom stopped with even sending the kids bday cards. She stopped responding and I realized I again was pushing the bday thing and I didn’t remind them. So there was not any contact for awhile. Not like my house phone was ever blocked. Or not listed. It’s literally in the house just for the kids use. Not like I said never come to my home. But the text my poor kid is getting is absolutely making it seem like we are the cold hearted ppl who replaced our family.

I sincerely hope that her party turns out exactly how my princess desires in her heart. I pray there isn’t tears and wounds reopened. I hope that my family that shows understands this day isn’t for any of that. The day is to celebrate Hailey and her accomplishments. It’s to love her. To be proud of her. I hope that if they can’t do that they simply do not come. Because Marc, myself, even his family will have no problem escorting them off my property. Imagine your big day and fearing that you’ll be made to feel lower than… To feel any sadness at all even. I hope that they understand that it won’t be a day for catching up on what Hailey missed in their lives but what they missed in hers. If they want a day for that they should plan that. This day won’t be the place. It won’t be the place to remind Allen what path they think he should be on. Or his level of motivation. It is simply a day to uplift Hailey.

I’d be lying if I said I am not worried. I’m absolutely terrified that the ones she wants to come and support her will be the ones who lower her. All I can do is pray. Smile that day deflect any conversations not about her and in a positive manner and remove those who can’t understand that.

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