What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

For awhile I thought that I had gotten out of the mindset that I swear I’ve been in since a toddler. Thinking that I was past just surviving and out of the survival mode. Truth is I now believe that is my way of life. In a sense it’s also my super power. Everything falling apart and I’m driven to figure out this solution and foresee the next worst case scenario. It’s powerful though to react and problem solve so quickly. To be so expectant of it that you can thrive even in those moments.

Definitely have made huge strides in life. Calling this chapter my uphill survival. Proudly working on myself still in therapy. I mean honestly loads and loads of work on my mental health have been done. Overcoming, speaking my truth, reliving and moving through so much pain. It’s been tough but good.

Making myself a better person I am in the process of wiping my record clean from that horrible misdemeanor that controls so much of my life. Once that is gone so many more doors open and so many mountains will be moved. I think I can provide better with that gone.

Hailey’s graduation date is quickly approaching and boy have I pulled off a lot there. Her cap and gown is absolutely perfection. Planning pictures and parties and knowing I get to watch my baby walk that stage is just so overwhelming for me. It’s thrilling and exciting and I so look forward to what she will accomplish.

Recently helped add to Allen’s set up so he can find the work from home gig that makes him happy. Haven’t pushed him back into the workforce just knowing emotionally life is so hard right now. Thinking maybe if he finds something he loves to do that life will not be so 9 to 5 for him.

Malachi works so much he is saving and has all these goals. Changing them with the wind of course but who cares. Pride is all I have for how far he has come. Just one more year and he too will walk the stage.

I strive to open a family business soon. Something that can thrive with the times and that my kids can carry on and thrive with. Something to fall back on. For the kids like paytyn who may need extra patience. Or allen who will need something less social. I want to make sure I provide long after my days on earth since who knows how many of those I am entitled. I leave behind this legacy of troops who braved the world together as a family and I want to make sure I leave something to keep bringing them back together when they need that. I’ve thought about a property big enough for them all to build on if they so choose. I know it’s not realistic that they all want to stay close together but honestly I sure hope they do. The numbers are in my favor after all that some will stick around together. If I provide the way for that. They will always come home I think.

I’ve been just racking my brain as to what business where to buy property and be the spot for the rest of my days. Definitely want to go warmer. No snow to deal with when I am old and grey. Although I’ll miss that too.

I begun writing letters to my children emailing them to myself and saving them in folders. For the day I am gone. I want them to have new memories with me even when I am not here to make them with them. Them knowing they are my reason for life is so important to me. That each and every one of them was completely perfect!

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