What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

So much of my time has been spent dodging the grieving process lately. Not allowing myself to process any of the deaths surrounding me. Honestly just felt so guilty like it was not even my right to hurt as much as I am.

I never felt as though I fit into the mold of what I needed to be to fit in a family. Not just mine but any. So I spent all of life moving from one family to the next to find my fit. Even inside of my own. Grandma’s, aunt’s, Aunt’s coming into play by marriages, they all played the role of mother at some point. The men I attached myself to over the years. They all had families I built bonds with. Sometimes I’m not sure if I seen the relationship with those men in that light…. I was truly longing for family. If you asked me now what I feel towards Chuck and I wasn’t trying to make sure Marc wasn’t hurt by my words I would hands down call him family. Not an ex. or the kids dad…. all of the things he most certainly is. But in my head he is just family.

So now that my life has this settled and loving family. Those little pieces of family I built along the way I feel guilty for. I mean when your ex’s mother passes away but your in a strong healthy relationship now with a new “mother in law” per say. How do you even cry and not feel bad for doing so. That isn’t your family anymore…….. So I missed a funeral that with all of me I wanted to be at.

Step mothers are sick dying…. But those divorces have been long buried and they are not any title to me. The relationships went down in such a ball of flames how can I now be at those womens sides. To say bye…. to hold their hands. That would make me a traitor right? So I swallow that pain too.

Marc’s family now experiencing the pain of loss. I barely have a relationship there as it’s not been much time. Things still feel fresh and covid hindered the time I was able to spend. But I am literally aching at the loss. Even more so when I am able to be there for marc’s family and wasn’t for all the others. It’s not just sorrow or grief it’s guilt. Guilt that I can give more of me at the loss when it’s Marc’s family. Guilt that I didn’t say bye to those I wanted to.

You put all that guilt with the grieving and then add in social anxiety and I begin to wonder if I was really even there for Marc’s family. Remembering looking at him and saying so many times I just don’t know how to speak. I can’t speak no words.

I will soon face a loss that I already know will be one I don’t know how to face. Holding anger at the secrets that stain. Thinking that I would have got to speak my truth beforehand but it’s already too late. The words I speak couldn’t be heard now. Waited to long to get out what I need and now the ears are deaf. The sickness has overcome and I will never get the peace I longed for there.

Fuck depression. Like seriously. Fuck being blue. Fuck being sad. Just fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk I want so desperately to forget all the pain.

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