What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

So many negative post in a row. Needs a change up. I’ve been seriously making so much growth within myself it’s unreal. Striving to be the best me and perfect that image I will leave behind of myself.

Taking the time to decide what I wanted in life. As cheesy as it may sound I truly never wanted more than being a wife and mom. The very best of both. To give my all at being the Mom my children need and the wife my husband needs not the one I believe is best for them. That is the real challenge right? Spending the real time investing in knowing what they need from you to be the best them? That’s my goal that’s the shit that just gives me life.

The emotions running through my family is absolutely what is my driving factor to my day. If even one of them is struggling I am. My expectations of what I wanted them to become may never fit to what they want. I’m spending time adjusting now to that. Making sure I’m supportive of their journey not defining it. It’s so important for me that I allow them to be them.

For me I think that my biggest super power is forgiveness. I really believe that if you can see from the others view point you can find forgiveness for anything. My family isn’t ever going to be perfect. It’s mine and I will work hard to see through their eyes in my most angered moments. Love them when they may feel unloveable. I’ve worked harder recently that when a mistake is made inside my home by someone I offer my love and acceptance quickly. Reminding them that they are imperfectly perfect and I love them even when they may not feel they are.

Spending time pointing out flaws and imperfections seems so trivial now. Being hurt over mistakes or flaws because I felt less loved somehow. Therapy has showed me that I am able to trust in the love from my children and my future husband. Linking love and bad choices was my prior thought process. Now I know those in my life do not fake loving me. They do and they are simply as imperfect as I. I’ve got security in knowing I no longer have anyone in my life that doesn’t belong there. No one who doesn’t love me is around so I can be at ease with mistakes.

I’m speaking more to my children of mental health and forgiveness themselves. We have forgiven those who could not love us in the healthy way we needed and no longer have in our lives. We discussed if we may ever open the door for them again. I myself probably would not ever reach out or allow them in but the kids may be able to start fresh some day. They know I would and do support that.

I’ve been up working for hours this morning before something triggered this writing. Alone in the dark room the entire house still asleep. Feeling so fulfilled and blessed to have my family.

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