What defines me?

Here I am again same thoughts ramped in my brain. I truly thought for some time that it was my medications. I switched three damn times before giving up and realizing it’s me… my head and nothing more. Shaking the thoughts of death is not working for me. There just has to be a way to cope. Come to grasp with death is inevitable.

I wake up in cold and hot sweats from the dreams. It’s not always me dying but mostly it is. Sometimes its someone I love. There are torturing me at this point. My thoughts that is. They come so random, brought on by the tiniest of details. All of a sudden I’m imagining at the intersection I am about to cross the oncoming traffic nailing me. My heart begins to race as I scan the cars and carefully drive through. Pulling over even at times because I can’t calm myself.

What happens when life is over is my biggest fear. Not just with like am I in heaven or hell or is just black emptiness. More of who will my children have? Will they be okay? Will I have a way to watch over them? Did I prepare them for life? Will they remember me for all the good times or those times I lacked to be the mother they needed. My children feeling any type of loneliness from my lack of presence haunts me. My life is just for them it really always has been so when it is gone then what?

I’ve been this way since the virus became such a huge part of our world. These non stop thoughts of death. In the middle of dinner or on a date in the movie. My brain doesn’t seem to care the time or place for these thoughts. I’m consumed by the sorrow they bring with them. It takes everything in me to keep moving forward. Letting out the tears and trying to press on with the day.

My death very well could leave my children with no one. I can’t hardly eat my mouth pain is so incredible. Getting in to dentist a nearly impossible task. As I just look after mine and never myself there isn’t insurance for me. There isn’t a budget I would ever give myself for my health. That all goes to my kids. I’m exhausted so often. My hair is falling out so much that I often skip brushing it to lessen the blow. The leg and back pain I experience are tremendous. My temperature control certainly lacks. A sign my iron could be off again. Avoiding going to the doctors as you never followed through with anything that they told you. If I died because I didn’t care enough about my health I’d be who there is to blame. I know I am sick. It’s clear to me things are wrong and worse. Right now though my kids aren’t healthy and I can’t turn my focus from them to me. Buying time on my health so I can just be a mom. I feel so alone. There are not even words to how alone I feel. How do you find a balance…..