What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Therapy has opened up the door for healing. For that I am grateful however it also opens up triggers to all I had buried deep. I find myself getting lost in those triggers. In the midst of my everyday life I will all of a sudden be somewhere else. Back into the dark moment that I worked so hard to forget. It’s been incredibly difficult to work on my mental health. Frankly I haven’t ever felt as alone as I do on this journey.

A meltdown of emotions lead to my glitter cart being over turned. As soon as it happened I was no longer in the moment. I had gone back to being 20 years old. In the Rynearson apartments with the 50 something year old man I barely knew. I had just lost the kids to keith in the horrible custody battle. That 50 something year old snapped. Me being the target of his deranged state. A gun was to my head loaded. Pregnant me pleading for my life and pissing myself. Honestly I can’t remember what even created that snapped version of that man that day. I’ve always held onto a hobby. During those times I was making jewelry. Having more beads and jewelry making supplies than you can even imagine. Taking such pride in my stuff it was organized well and my heart attached to each bead I swear.

That day that 50 something man destroyed all of my belongings. He threw them out the door busting up everything with a bat. Neighbors saw. I cried. Him wailing about a gun me pissing myself in a corner it is all in my head. No help there was literally no one who cared what was happening to me. I remember calling and pleading with chuck and his family to save me that day. No one did. The next morning I gathered what I could and I walked away. The glitter cart turned over brought all this back to me as if it was happening in the moment.

So desperately I want to let go of all that weighs me. To be free from the sorrow of my past. Its binding me in sadness I can’t seem to escape.

Christmas Day my iPhone takes a turn and crashes. Unable to access my apple id I am forced with a blank slate phone for just a few days. Normally my entire family is blocked and can’t contact me in anyway. However I am on a blank slate. So today my mother gets a Merry Christmas in. I wish I could tell you I smiled…. But instead I felt so angry! Your on Facebook with each and every kid. You didn’t write them! You never do. Occasionally you state to them how your not on fb… Well they are so get on it. I do not make things easy anymore as I won’t let them in but there has not ever been a time that family couldn’t be there for the kids. They just chose that shit. My mother could write. She could Facebook. She could pick up the phone to call the kids. She could show up just to hug them… She does none of it. I stopped communicating because it was pretty much a constant let down. I’m almost certain she uses that as her I can’t be a grandma excuse. But literally it was just never a role she strived to be. The kids do not know her or enjoy her company. Allowing them to beg and wait for time with her their whole lives of course I made that shit harder for her.

Seeing that text from her it made my blood just boil. There was no Christmas or bday cards for the kids from her… Because nothing in return is given back. Well nothing more than a facebook thank you. She doesn’t get to take pictures to show the world she is an involved nana with a card sent. She doesn’t get any self gratification. At least that is how it seems in my head because otherwise why the fuck not be letting those kids know you love them?! It’s easier for me to think of her as selfish than to think it’s truly her lack of love for my kids.

That text was my trigger. I was sitting in the passenger seat of the car when it came in but quickly took me to another world. Sitting in the car with Rik after leaving my mothers home. Just telling them of my pregnancy with Allen. My mom stated abortion was the only option. Rik spent the car ride taking me back to Three Oaks telling me he disagreed but adoption was the only option. My mother wanted Allen dead before he was even born so why on Earth would I think she would move mountain’s to love him now? My Christmas was spent in such a sad ass state of mind because this trigger started a spiral in my head. From thinking of Allen’s pregnancy announcement and then to luke’s adoption that she refused to support.

From there I begin to compare myself to her. Hating every mistake ever made as a parent. By the Tuesday after Christmas I walked into therapy ready to unload all the new trigger baggage I picked up. It’s great to unload but it also gives me more of a sense of being alone. As I do not talk to anyone outside of that therapy room about any of this… I need to. I wish that in the very moment I am triggered I could speak it. So I don’t look like such a lost soul. So others see and know why I am not present. No one wants or needs to hear though. It’s all dark and sad I have down there pushed deep. Maybe once it is all out all the baggage will lift and I will be free?

Depression pretty much sucks. I’ve been sitting in the dark for weeks. I can’t get up. My chest is heavy.

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