What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I’ve struggled a lot lately. As the virus continues to negatively affect my family. Thanksgiving was full of tears. Hearing that the family the kids and I searched our whole lives to have. The Christmas celebrations we finally felt wanted at. It just wouldn’t be this year. Us already being in such a sad place then thought of how to make sure our gifts to each other really screamed we LOVE AND MISS YOU. Till moments later everyone else was agreeing to no gifts either. The kids felt that the gifts were then only a tradition because we were at grandpas and felt obligated and not a showing of love. The heartbreak broke through the house moments before the arrival of Marc’s parents.

It was truly the quietest Thanksgiving ever. I think the perceptions were just so different. Maybe others seen the kids as greedy wanting gifts… However quickly was it my kids to suggest a no spending gift exchange. Only to be told that would be hard…. I guess that was where our families differ. The kids and I we always have had very little yet given so much. It’s set in our bones to know how to give from the heart without costing us a financial burden as we never had the finances to spend. To think of not gifting those we loved blows us away because we have spent the whole pandemic gifting strangers. Why on earth cancel gifting those we love most.

Honestly maybe it’s the word gift. It carries the weight that it should be something monetary. It took me the entire weekend to shake all of my own thoughts. I was just as sad as the kids. No family, no gifts, and it to me seemed like no one was looking for an alternative just letting the virus win. I felt defeated.

When I chose no chemo it was simple. Tomorrow isn’t promised why on earth would I spend my time unable to be a mom. It was all I ever wanted in life and chemo would take that. It would take time from my only desire mom hood. So each day is a gift and I was never told I’d have tomorrow. Spending my days as a mom was my choice. So tomorrow isn’t promised but we will spend our time trying to make sure tomorrow comes? Okay, cool I avoided every contact with those I love didn’t get virus and something else took me tomorrow….. I mean that doesn’t seem logical to my opinion on life.

I’ll be careful I want as much time as I can get it’s so valuable. I am not however willing to just give up family which is what this entire year has felt. Marc’s grandpa won’t get younger while we avoid him. Of course I would never want him to get the virus or experience a shortened life. However dying alone seems far worse. I know I can withstand the cold. I can build a snow man in the front yard. Grandpa on the porch smiling just watching the kids. I’ve been at Christmas I know what lights him up and that is it! He loves seeing his family together and happy. He loves seeing them play games and interact. So that’s what I want to give him. Maybe we make poster signs for him. A caravan train with all the kids screaming Merry Christmas.

I guess when none of it was suggested. When so many lined up to say no gifts and likely won’t get together. The thoughts in my head consumed me. We are all so sad and this is why. We are letting this virus pull us apart. We are not growing in strength and finding creative ways to be together and safe. My children and I spoke over how everyone love language is not the same. So gifting may not always be the same in everyone’s mind. I explained that some are filled with fear right now.

The thought of the kids not having family for Christmas again… it haunted me enough to reach out to whatever family I was still speaking to of my own. My kids may now end up there. It’s pretty likely in fact. Although later I did get confirmation on we can go to marc’s grandpas it may have been to late. Already had I reacted. I was low and manic when everything transpired reacting in emotion.

It’s another very tight year and I am pulling off Christmas somehow without a single dollar from our budget. I’m emotionally and physically truly just exhausted. There isn’t a tree…. No way could I do gifts for everyone on my own and a tree and stand. So I went to the kids and said can we skip the tree and mom put that cost toward making sure we have a good Christmas. They of course never flinched to say yea. I decorated the pear tree and called it a day. 2nd time no tree… First was when I chose to leave the abuse and move forward with marc. There was not a single gift that year. This year there is 40 already… more in route. I did that. Totally on my own. My stress is out of this world but I promise my babies will have a good Christmas and somehow one way or another will have family around them. It’s what they deserve and I’ll be damned a virus take that from them.

This year has been the toughest ever. I wish that I could stop the damage this virus is doing but since I can’t…. Keep rolling with the punches and moving mountains for those babies of mine. Till my last breath they are my whole entire world.

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