What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

The virus has seriously changed the world now. Myself, I was already struggling with socializing before it came into play. Now that it’s here and sticking around I find myself less and less engaged with anyone outside of my home and Marc’s family. Now don’t get me wrong I am still gifting the world with smiles and home made gifts. However it is all at a distance.

Even if I have a friend in town to give something I’ve made I will mail it. The post office was literally across the street from my friends home and I mailed it. It’s not fear of catching it’s more fear of speaking. What is there left to speak of? With anyone? It’s all so sad and negative. I can’t bring myself to engage in that stuff with anyone but Marc. I know he will love me regardless of my stance or opinion. Whatever needs people had from me before have really grown now. The self gain mind set is stronger in us all because we are all now living in survival mode.

I noticed myself straying onto my parents Facebooks. Just briefly as it truly makes me sick to my stomach now to know that they chose to not be in my kids lives. Me…. well whatever I push you away and well to be honest I’d never let you in. But the kids they reach and stretch and try. I see them message. They are on quite a few family members pages and never is anything ever said. I guess some being more active on Facebook than others. Yet I can’t fathom it. If I were them. To be a parent or a grandparent with the kind of access Facebook gives to be in my children or grandchildren’s lives. No way would I not be sitting there hanging on their every word.

Thinking of all that has really put me in a place where I am remembering everything I went through myself to be there for my kids. Meaning when keith won custody that one time…. I seen my own body as currency to him to see my kids. Cleaning up after him and his new gf was not above me just to be in the home in the presence of my children. Paying child support while they lived with me till I could figure out how to win the battle in court and have them back. It’s hard to imagine having it so easy to be there and not. When there is not a price I wouldn’t pay and haven’t to be there. I hope that I have given my kids enough that they don’t notice those who give no efforts.

Wish I could say I have a desire to go build friendships and relationships. Maybe over come some of the anxiety and be social again but I just don’t. Avoiding people seems so much easier. Giving them smiles without having any negative baggage is such easier work right? No pain there no one to leave and walk when things are not easy or simple. So I shall continue to use curbside with a smile and a gift/tip. Self checkout avoiding the cashiers and using my mask to hide out and dodge those who may know me shopping too. Mailing gifts to those friends still at arms length so you can let them have a smile without having to connect.. This is my life.

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