What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

You’d think by now I would move on and let go of the pain right? But I haven’t…. Sitting on my face book is still that letter from my aunt. Calling me out for a facebook post I had made calling my father a drunk. Saying he failed me. How DARE I? That was the words she used how dare I speak the truth and say my exact feelings out loud for anyone to see. Instead I needed to be reminded by her that I was less than perfect. I in fact had cps remove my kids remember and I stole a wallet. So in fact I should bash myself.

I swear to you that letter haunts me. I can’t seem to delete it from my messenger to stop seeing it. I have went to write back and defend myself a million times. You mean the 17 year old child who had just had another premature baby and no car. The one who couldn’t work and be at the hospital caring and learning how to prepare for that premie? You mean the little girl who called her father begging and pleading for rides to the hospital help with groceries. I literally never asked for money ever. Only did I beg for help for my kids. In return my so called father told me that he already had to pay a child support burden for me and wouldn’t help me further.

However in the same year bailed out my step brother from his cps case with the mother of his kids. Housed, clothed, feed whole nine for those grandkids. Of course I only know this as any conversation we had was spent with him bashing the hell out of my step brother and how much he wish his wife would tell him to grow up. See my dad never became a better “father” he never stepped up to my brother and his kids…. He conformed to what his wife wanted. He was always good at that. Doing what a women wanted. I mean after all he put me on the streets at 15 with $20 bill in my hand because his gf wanted to slit my throat and he was being evicted. My aunt claims he grew up and learned and evlovled into this better father.. Proof being said brother and grandkids. Uh, have you heard him talk about his grand daughter becoming a “women”? Have you hung out at his home and ever seen him sober? I mean ever? He puts on a great show to benefit his needs. He however is still the exact same man he always was. His claims to he isn’t a dad because I vanished and didn’t show to his house. At some point every one gets tired of putting up with less than they deserve.

Was I a terrible young mom. Holy shit I mean really the most clueless ever. However I kept fighting. My kids can not ever tell you of a time I wasn’t there. Did I steal to provide? There was nothing and I mean nothing I wouldn’t have done or put myself through for my kids. When cps came poverty and being un educated those were my flaws. Never did I abuse or neglect my children. My aunt’s statement of such are false and misinformed. You see have you ever tried to be a girl scout leader? It’s a process! Including a pretty extensive background check. You can’t have been charged by cps and still become a leader…. However I was a leader for years. I also was a teacher aide at a school. I was never charged with anything against my kids or any others.

I married as a child. No one protected me. Rape was so prevalent in my child hood it was normal for me. My father absolutely isn’t a good man. HE never did right by me ever. The things he did, said, subjected me to he doesn’t deserve the title to father. It’s okay for me to say my feelings and what I went through because of the choices he made. I will too be subjected to my children’s opinions to how I raised them. My opinion doesn’t define him anymore than someone’s of me yet it does help to let out those feelings rather than hold them in.

Wanting to believe my aunt simply loves my father so much she can easily attack me is the only thing I can do. Reality is I do not know her. She doesn’t have love for me. She wasn’t interested to what happened just her version of the events and how I should tell them. Silencing myself won’t happen. It helps me to be raw and saw exactly how I feel to the events that played out to my life. I’ve already asked forgiveness for the mistakes I made while learning how to grow up. Thing is her version can never be more than a story as she never took the time to be there. She can say how I was as a mother yet she has no idea. She can say what I stole and why but again wasn’t there and has no idea. Stating a man is a better father now is easy when he has no child to raise….. Blaming the women he has kids with….Again the easy route. And yes you can cast stones easy to me but again I was a child a product of exactly how I was raised. You know I stole from your grandma…. who do you think taught me. It was my very father stealing from his mother and grandmother all the time. So yes the teen and young mom I was wasn’t much to be proud of. Surely my upbringing is to blame. 🙂

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.