What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

It’s funny how different my thought process is now from the time I was beginning this blog. I thought I was already defined and telling you all the things that made up me…. Now it’s clear what defined me yesterday doesn’t today and I chose my definition everyday as I grow. The changes are non stop and we bend and adapt as they come.

So my kids are doing virtual and now home always. It’s not much different as years prior since most did online or homeschool at some point and some were when the virus hit. However the virtual now is far more confusing. It’s a hot MESS! It’s the most stressful experience ever! I can’t wait for things to settle in this new normal.

I’ve had a few struggles that are new since the virus. One being death constantly on my mind. I find myself unable to sleep and asking unanswerable questions. It’s very dark feeling. Not death as in I want to die or wish this life would end just like this incredible sadness to how short life is. Thoughts of when and how. OR the pain that comes with age and how most of life ends in pain. We are born dying…. Staying on the 11th floor balcony had me picturing myself falling over the edge. What would that look like? Who would I be missed by? Then it spirals to how I prepare and make sure my kids will be okay. Unless they marry I won’t leave behind family to take care of them…The worries of if a child would pass before me…. like why is that even on my mind? The thoughts of death just creep in at the weirdest times. Triggers are more and more often sitting at dinner or eating a bowl of ice cream. What is the point of life at all? It seems cruel. I only know that I have to try and live more in the moment. What do I want to give to the world today…. A smile. I want to give a smile as often as I possibly can.

So with that mindset I walk into the store searching out the person that looks in need of a compliment. Your hair looks fabulous today! I’m shouting out my window to strangers your outfit rocks! I’ve been making resin trinkets and gifting everywhere. Mailing it to strangers and old friends. Passing it out when getting any curbside deliveries. I am trying to change the thoughts and no lie it’s hard! I want to focus on the positive but my entire life I spent programming myself to worry and catch the negatives before they happen. I prepare for the worst all the time. So it’s like putting a line through myself all over again and redefining me…. Because living while only thinking of death is literally no life. I’m sad just far to much.

I think that therapy is a dbl edge sword for me really. I keep checking in and then hatching up all this dark shit. Like uh take it back this is counter productive. I remember more now than I ever allowed myself before. I guess I have to rehatch it to wade through it and come out the other side but it’s feeling like I am drowning often. There is healing power saying things out loud though. I will give her that. Saying it when someone hears and believes you. I don’t regret the choice I have made to no longer have any contact with most of my blood family. Honestly can say that without their presence in my life I am more whole. Most people find it sad that I’ve made this choice to have zero contact but my mental health depends on it. My lowest lows stem from their incapability to love me how I need to be loved. I’d give just about anything to never be like any of them. Never do I want my kids to feel the pain of not being loved or wanted. Any glimpse of them in myself haunts me.

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