What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Here I am once again one of those nights I’ve spent worrying myself sick. My mind racing with all kinds of worst case scenarios in my head. I’ve come to now accept this is my nature to always be thinking of the what if and the worst case. Sometimes I feel like this trait of mine is simply the worst. It can’t be overcome and it hinders me. Then there are times where I know this is one of my flawed strengths. My worry keeps me ahead of the shitty hand life seems to like to deal out.

Therapy has been going well. Although when i started hatching up all of the memories I didn’t realize how much sleep I would lose. How hard it would be to work through the past and not just sit here in it sulking. I didn’t think of how the world would refuse to stand still while I worked on myself. That shit would continue to pile on while I brought all the old pain back in. Replacing the past pain with a positive thought is so much harder than I imagined it to be. I thought fixing myself would be easy. It’s me….. How can’t I fix the very thing I am? But the world hasn’t stopped. My brain still processes things in such a negative way… Always feel as though I am simply waiting and preparing for the next blow. My guard never comes down anymore.

I went back into being very distant. Sharing therapy doesn’t happen. I don’t discus my medications or my sessions. Tonight I found myself emailing rantings of my emotions…. I am emailing!!! I am not speaking I’m emailing….. I can’t speak the voice is completely gone. Even sitting here I am constantly having to force myself to keep typing. There is so much I would not ever be willing to share… A year ago I wanted to share everything be raw and open and just show it’s okay….Validate that fear of judgement should be abolished! Who am I kidding though! There is just no way to be raw and be accepted.

Facing reality that my children are becoming adults with the same baggage from not having their other parent or grandparent or family around as I myself carry. Them now deciding how they will allow blood to treat them. What boundaries they will draw and what relationships they will painfully cut ties with. Seeing them struggle through this has been such a truly gut wrenching experience for me. There has been so much going on with the kids that has nothing to do with me and is not something I can fix for them. I want so badly to be their voice.

For about a month or so now death has been on my mind frequent. Thinking of the how’s and when’s to my time ending. To how little I accomplished to how little my kids will have when I am gone. It’s clear I am facing the blues and lows of my depressive state. Sometimes I am screaming I’m so sad I can’t breathe save me!!! and sometimes I just think if I can make others smile today I will find mine again. It’s unnoticed when I cry myself to sleep. Or even if I don’t sleep…. I’ve lost 29 lbs… my hair all over the tub again. A reset is no where in sight.

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