What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Life just never seems to settle and stay the same for more than a brief moment. Tonight my mind has been racing wither to keep home my children or send them back to school. It’s such a hard conflicting choice. Some of my kids simply struggle with the online learning. They will absolutely be hindered by it. The school look will be so much different then anything the kids have ever known. Pretty much all of the fun has been sucked out of it. The decision is on my shoulders heavy.

A short while ago I got a message about a family member. One that caused me a great deal of pain and honestly it’s just been haunting me. The memories can’t stay out of my head. I’m not sleeping. I can’t keep the nightmares out. It’s just been a very difficult time for me emotionally. I’m closed up now. Not talking much to anyone about anything. I think that when the one closet to my heart broke my trust I just went right back into a ball. It’s difficult to be happy again.

Forever will I be a person that must work to be happy. That’s just what comes along with mental illness. It was just a bit easier when I had such confidence in his love for me. My confidence has been shook…. So I’m quieter about the stuff I’m going through.  Choosing that therapy is just the only safe place to speak. For now I secretly hope that the family just forgets me. Stops putting in reminder into my mind at all. I’m still working through my pain and they are such a biter reminder of it all of me.

Even more so when I think if they were on the other side of this keyboard it would be a different perception of the events. They would remind me of the twenty I stole from someone’s wallet and not the one that was put in my hand at 15 while I was left literally on the streets with a bag a bag of clothes. They will tell you of the conversation to my teen boyfriend I had bashing the jesus statues in their home and not remember that the second that grabbed me from the streets to bring me to that home …. it was only to tell me that I was going to foster care because no one wanted me…. The story they will have will be so very different. They somehow forget it was all while I was a child… The actions of a child are all because of how they were rasied!!! Tell me the stories from after I turned 25? Can you? Their verison is how I lost my kids to cps. Not that I had a premature baby with 3 toddlers at home. Not that I almost died my daughter almost died. Not that I had no car I walked all the way accross town to work everyday coming home to raising those babies on my own!!!!! They won’t say that I couldn’t be at work and at the hospital with my 26 week preemie. They will not say no one would give me a ride. The calls I made to them begging for work to buy groceries…. not money. Never will you hear how much I pleaded for support.. How I just simple didn’t have a clue because no one showed me… I was 13 hiding under a bed from the cops on my 3rd night of being alone in the home. How was I to know how to be the better parent…. They won’t say that I have 19 certificates printed from parenting classes that I did on my own. They claim I had my kids taken and charged…. Although I was a girl scout leader for most of my girls younger years… Cps stood on the stand when I gained custody of all my kids. Did you know you can’t be a gs leader and have a cps charge? Can’t work as a teacher aide nor in daycare either. I’ve done all those though. Cps only testified on my behalf… You see when that so called family made the call to have my kids taken instead of helping me…. I made the wise choice. I called my husband. I signed my kids over… Yes in the beginning it was hard to swallow… I was alone. I was scared. I left for 93 days. I was without them for 93 days. Still sending everything to care for all their needs. financially I had my babies. I came back and I moved mountains on my own. That was me they said was a remarkable mother! Oh how angry I am. That their story of my life is whatever they wanted to make it. They were never there to see any of it. To assume you know something…. to turn your back. My so called father deserves a second chance from me…. That is what they will tell you. How he turned into such a great husband and father and grandfather…. Uhhh again just what you see. You don’t hear how he speaks of those kids of his. Of their parenting and how much they took… he hated cps being in his life to save his grandkids. he just got to old for a new life… He was surely no gpa to my kids. He is and has been just simply a selfish drunk. He left me to the wolves to better his life not mine. The child support he was bothered to pay for me it’s the thing that makes his stomach turn. There is nothing he ever did to support me in life. No positive was ever brought to the table. I decided so long ago to take those who brought nothing positive in my life out of my life. Every time a tiny bit of it creeps back in all of the past haunts me. One message that’s all it took for me to spend days remembering every wrong I’ve ever felt in life. It’s consuming me.

I can’t stop thinking ” when grandma leaves you get in her bed if you want to make some money.” It’s ringing in my head. My family used every struggle I had as a pawn against me and I couldn’t even see it….. I thought he loved me it’s okay he tickles me…. I mean I told my parents if they were okay with it. If they wouldn’t do anything about it… I was the one wrong. Their wedding day is the most painful of my life. I would pretend it was worth it tho because they had each other forever now. Then the divorce made me feel my pain was worthless. Ugh how did I get in this low ass place again. Why can’t I stop thinking of them all. Forget the “family” just move forward with the life I deserve. I can’t even stop thinking.

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