What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle



Being in this world right now is pretty crazy right? Truth be told though I’ve been trapped many times and in far far worst circumstances. The biggest challenge for me is that being trapped now brings up so many of  those very harsh memories. It does however also make me very grateful for the time I am going through now.

I remember being just a teenager newly married in what would later be determined as the most abusive relationship of my life. Locked into that trailer with nothing. There wasn’t cable or Netflix. WiFi didn’t exist for me. Alone was all I really knew. My husband was never there. I did have the rats that crawled the walls of that nasty trailer. Sitting in tears at the table wishing I had food to put on it watching the rats run in the curtains was my entertainment. Not even an adult yet and that was my life.

The comet smell I spent my day inhaling. The man I was married to would just pour it everywhere swearing the bugs would eat it and then die. There wasn’t even a egg to be seen in the fridge. Counting 47 days once I was left there in that countryside trailer. No air conditioning no fan just me and the heat. The time I had left that solitude to find my so called husband was when he sold me to the highest bidder. One of the biggest regrets I have is not just staying for day 48….

There was a time when I was merely 15 living in Decatur a town I still am unable to drive through without shedding a tear I was left alone just 11 days there. My father staying with whatever girlfriend rated higher than me at the time. I can’t even remember her name just the stupid gold convertible she so proudly sported around. For those 11 days the food was so limited I remember having this 6 pack of frozen hashbrowns and I would cook one a day topping with those baco bites my paternal grandma had left for me. They were so crunchy those bacos. I just hated them but I would tell myself it was my meat for the day and I had to eat it. Day 9 I remember find every single penny and pop can in the house and making the mile walk to this corner store. Buying myself bread and taking it back to putter and grill it. The taste was so delicious! I stayed on the phone so much to prevent from going crazy lonely. Later the phone bill would be all my father remembered from the time. The heat in that house was unlike anything I had ever experienced. Just one fan and blazing summer days. It was such a lonely time for me. Eventually he would come back to tell me to leave the house he wasn’t going to pay for it. $20 and a new homeless adventure came next.

22 years old my ex husband just winning the kids, me again homeless. I broke into a friends garage sleeping in the basement. It’s winter now. I’m alone on a wet and cold mattress in a basement half flooded with water waist high. Just 24 hours there but I promise it felt like an eternity. Cats piled all over my body for warmth teeth chattering and feeling like I had no one in the world. Because in fact I didn’t.

See this being trapped story has been mine for as long as I can remember. So now being trapped in my home just plain feels like a luxury. Not once have I had to experience hunger pains. There was never a time I had to talk to myself and tell me to keep going…. My family is with me and no way would I ever dream of wanting to end that. I haven’t even counted this time. It doesn’t feel like the trapped I’ve been through. This feels like a luxury. A luxury that if I stay home my chances of being sick or my family getting sick is lowered.

My children are sad. They feel trapped and sad. Lonely and missing all their friends and extended family. But me I know how many luxuries they have. Peace of mind is knowing they won’t know the same pains I do. They are so rich in love and life. I find comfort in knowing in the toughest moments I have come far enough that I can make times like these easier for my children. What I have overcome has given me the tools to know how to survive.

It’s hard to believe that is moment this virus and the crisis the world is going through is one of the easiest times of trial in my life. It’s the first time I don’t feel alone. Support is all I have. I cut out all of the negative and everyone who was in my life and had only brought pain to the table. Those who loved me in an unhealthy way. Those who didn’t love me at all. They are gone now. I stood up for my mental health and I chose to not allow anyone in my life that wasn’t making a positive impact. I am so much stronger for it. My worries are far less. I don’t now think of the motives behind those who love me. They are pure and I am certain of it. I have a luxurious life that I am beyond grateful for.

One thought on “Luxury

  1. josertheman says:

    Stay strong.

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