What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Did anyone else never imagine this as a reality? I honestly never ever thought that a virus would keep me locked into my home. Never did I imagine my daily life would be lived in fear. That I would need to tell my children to stay away from everyone.

Here we are though right smack in the middle of a crisis felt around the world. I haven’t been out of the house in some time now. Avoiding contact at all cost is pretty much the only thing I know to do to keep my kids safe. Just a few weeks ago you could find me in Walmart more than home. Five times a day I would be there doing whatever I could to make and stretch a dollar. All of the avenues I used to stretch what we had are currently gone.

No one is able to coupon with the store shelves so bare. You grab whatever you can grab your hands on and be grateful. Weeks ago I was able to get chicken and beef at a fourth the cost it’s posted at now. Buying in bulk was a necessity for us. Now with the restrictions it’s not allowed. The limits are so low that I am unable to buy one meals worth for my large family in one trip to the store.

My grandmothers who taught me to cook lived through a time when things were hard. Money was scarce. So they passed to me the skills to make a meal from very little. I can make my own bread and tortillas. To be honest the kids and I have lived through extremely poor times and never did go hungry. Prepared in a sense I feel for what is to come. It doesn’t however make the fear any less. More prepared than anyone else I know and still I am filled with more worry than I know to handle.

Recently taking such gains in my mental health I feel like this entire ordeal is a set back. Learning to handle my worries and feel like I was in control of them to now feeling I have no control over anything. Crying myself to sleep a few nights already with thoughts consuming me. My teenage daughter spoke of fearing for the kids whose safe zone was school and now it’s gone. She told me she was worrying of the kids who were not getting any food now. Prideful in her compassion I still feel so sad she even has those worries to bare.

I plan to avoid the stores or going anywhere. To avoid contact with any and everyone. Treating my home and yard as a bubble really. How long will this continue is so uncertain. How long before the economy blow is at my front door? Life’s uncertainties sure play with my anxiety levels that is for sure.


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