What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I am utterly filled with fear and worry. Let’s face it you can’t escape seeing it in your face everywhere you turn. No one is talking about much else. Times are hard and confusing for sure. The information is changing all the time and depending on your source it’s completely different from one to another right?

So here is me right smack in the middle of trying to find the right meds combo for my mental illness. Now a crisis bigger than any I have ever imagined here on our doorstep. Large families with restrictions on how many pasta they can buy at the store. The limit often being less than what one meal would be for their family. Of course I’m completely panicked. Deeply did I suffer with hoarding food issues and now the entire world is hoarding food.

It’s like having my faults intensified and right in my face. I pace my kitchen more times than I can count. Trying to do the math of how many meals I can make. How can I stretch this further. The cabinets are fully packed. Fridge too my worry never eases with that now. Each day the worry increases. Going to bed searching for information on what may close next. Waking searching to see new information.

I try to find peace in knowing I am much more prepared than most. Reality is though we consume much more than most being a large family. There is no school, the stores have very little and the lines are long. Coming into contact with so many if I wanted to attempt to put more stock in the house. Is that worth it. Which worry is greater getting it from contact with others or not going to the store and staying stockpiled with what our family will need?

Staying positive is difficult. To combat the fear I have spent time finding little solutions to keep me feeling ahead of the game. Things that reduce my anxiety just slightly. But it’s in the back of my mind if I were to pass who would my kids have? What would happen to them? Where would they go? How would life be for them being split up? Staying away as much as possible is my only solution. Making sure to keep us in a bubble and safe is the best way to prevent the worst case.

What are you doing to reduce your stress during these times? Are you still employed? Are your children home from school and cooped up with you?

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