What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

I hadn’t ever given much thought to myself living in survival mode. Oddly I thought that was something I recognized as I had seen in it so many that were in my life. It wasn’t until yesterday sitting in the doctor’s office for my son for hours that it hit me that was how I lived life for most of my life. I went to the bathroom and I was sitting on the toilet in the doctor office bathroom and I had a flashback. A flashback to the time where I would carry in the diaper bag to the bathroom’s at the doctor and put the extra toilet paper from the back of the toilet into it. Times were hard. I would look at the toilet paper and think if I take that I can afford extra bread this week.

I took a moment to let the tears fall down my face while sitting on the toilet. Realizing in that moment my entire life had been in survival mode. My budget has been in my head since I was 10. Whatever I had to do to survive I did. Never have I felt I could shake that. My mind has always went to this place where I am trying to figure out my next back up plan for life.

Think about how many times I moved as a child. How many “families” I had. Always waiting for that home to crash. For them to decide they didn’t want me. Couldn’t afford me. ( that was the biggest excuse anyone would say out loud) Stealing food was common because I would think who knows when it’s available next. Course that would lead me to not being welcome and then I’d being moving once again. I remember at 15 years old having 8 hash-browns and a plastic container of hard ass bacon bits. No time frame to when my “dad” would return and it had already been days. No money not even pennies. No store within 20 miles. Stretchy and talking myself threw how much I could eat each day. Then right after when he did return he gave me $20 and a bag of clothes and sent me onto the streets. There isn’t a time I can’t think of that survival wasn’t my life.

Now all these years later and it’s still just very set in me. Living as though I need to survive. Thinking any day he won’t love me. I’ll be cast out and back to nothing. Or any day someone will tell me that this life isn’t mine anymore. I think of worst case non stop. Not once can I just breath and look at all I have gained and accomplished. It feels to good to be true. There is no way I deserve this.

Seeing your faults is half the battle right? For now I still walk through every parking lot scanning the ground for change. Hoarding food all over the house in case I can’t afford groceries the next week. Checking my account 20 times a day to makes sure nothing billed I forgotten. Staring at the budget for hours and hours. I can’t even for a moment check out of that mode. The desire to is there I just lack the knowledge of how. To just ease up for a moment and revel in all I have become. My goal is to switch from this survival mode and enjoy life more.

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