What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

My Fozzy Subaru

Recently I stopped all contact with my blood family. Well the majority of them anyway. That prompted all the nasty comments from them about how I am trying to replace them. Or how much they were there for me. For a year now those comments have been haunting me. I wanted to shout are you CRAZY! I said nothing in response. Instead I fell back and got quiet. Silent even.

I wanted to remind them at I was the child living in the streets. A child, not an adult, a child. I deeply remember being so alone. I remember horrendous amounts of sexual abuse as a CHILD….. I wanted to tell every family member that I was their biggest failure. I didn’t say anything out loud though. For months I’ve been driving in the car having moments where my thoughts drift to want words I so desired to say to them all.

Wondering often now what if I told it all. What if I wrote to each of them and just said this is what you didn’t protect me from? What if I reminded them of that wedding day that I spoke up! The day I said please stop standing me there he is touching me….. Would they then turn to themselves and think what have we done? Would they then want forgiveness from me?

Truthfully I thought that my sins earned me all those secrets. The punishments were mine to endure. I was a bad child after all. The time I spent trying to right my wrongs. The things I swallowed deep down so that the scars didn’t stain the family. I wonder if they heard it all out loud if they were feel the sorrow I do in my gut?

Why on earth would I ever want to replace those people. Truly those who called me family are those who caused me the most pain so replacing that gosh… I wanted to destroy it. What I had during my lifetime wasn’t family. I didn’t even gain a family until I was 33 years old. The jealous terms in those comments of how I was replacing them made me sick. Never would I want to replace such evil.

Evil is a strong word to reference your own blood right… Your probably sitting there thinking this girl is holding on to so much anger. I’m just not. I was for a long long time. Now I just wish that I could erase it all. That I could come to peace with moving on. Thinking that I deserve to move on is truly difficult. My mind tells me that blood matters. Meanwhile my heart reminds me that I never did to them… Not just as the adult that did nothing right but as a child I was unworthy of their love.

Every I am sorry card that comes in my mailbox just reminds me that they really don’t have any knowledge to why they are saying it. They simply say the words they think I want to hear. It’s not an apology for letting me down. Not for not loving me…. It’s not for allowing me to go through so much fucking pain as a child. It’s because there is no punching bag left. No one to tell the secrets too… Because after all if you told them to anyone else you’d lose everything. They had already proven me a liar so telling me meant no harm no one would listen right?

I spoke up. No one listened.

The sorry’s and the it’s your fault come back to back. The Christmas before last I thought maybe the distance will make things tolerable. But my poor children are the target now. I had 8 unwanted children in their minds. Abortion rang out of their mouths more times than I can count. My blood family never wanted a one. They spent their lives showing that too. With the trips to Florida and the extravagant gifts to everyone meanwhile my kids get a tote or yard sale and donation items. Things left behind and discarded were picked up and washed and given to my kids. Not things that were special or individualized but just a bunch of junk thrown together to appear they were thought of. I would sit and watch my kids still be grateful for the garbage while everyone else in the room got exactly what they wanted. No names could be exchanged since the numbers were so great. No plan could be implemented to make things fair. I mean why would they do such a thing? I had the unwanted children not them! So we would sit and feel sad. So this Christmas before last I finally take a stand. The fear of them saying I was greedy finally pushed down far enough for me to say no we won’t be at Christmas it’s not fair. It makes my kids feel so badly. Crammed in a room alone. Forced to hurry and eat and not take too much because the “real” family was late and hadn’t eaten yet. I had let my kids endure that long enough. So I spoke up again! I told my so called mother this wouldn’t happen any longer.

Should have known better than to trust in her words saying that it would be different if I tried one more time….. But I am forgiving to a fault and I loaded my kids up made a special arrangement. Sitting on the floor hearing my grandparents list everything they had given to everyone else while telling my kids they get nothing…. Literally no reason to tell my kids of what they did for everyone but them but that’s exactly what happened. Nothing felt fair…. kids with gifts they hated and then ones with behavior issues loaded up with worst possible gift. The grandparents empty handed which again would have been fine but they still insisted to make the kids feel so low to express it was just them they didn’t get for. Everyone else was deserving.

So I decided that day this was it. No longer would blood dictate anything. This wasn’t my family. Family loves and lifts you up. They care and are there for your time of need. They want to bring a smile and not intentional tears. I decided these ppl weren’t that for me. Never had they been. Guilt did make them be there from time to time. I was paid off to keep those deep dark molestation secrets. Or the secrets of the transgressions….. Never was I in a family. Family doesn’t do what was done to me and my children.

The what if isn’t really a question. Truth is I had the answer….. I did tell. I did speak up and they failed me. I was damaged and wreckless I made piss poor choices as a parent because I was never shown how to be a mom. Then I grew and I continued to grow…. Now I have figured out what family is. Your right I have a fabulous family. But your wrong that I replaced one… As I never had one in the first place.

Therapy brings up so much of the dark. It shows me now that it wasn’t my fault. No child deserves to be homeless. To be touched by dirty men that share their blood. No child deserves to feel alone. No child deserves to be hungry! No child deserves to stress their way to school or sit alone in a gas station praying for a way to school! No child deserves to lose their virginity to a random bf of their mother’s. No child deserves to be hit EVER! No child deserves to feel unloved. Protecting my children is my job and your the biggest threat. Forever will I work on forgetting everyone who hurt me. Forever will I work on being a better me and a better mom. Never will I allow any “blood” family to hurt me. I created the family I always deserved.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.