What defines me?

Cancer , A Dozen Kids , Life, Struggle

Hey guys, sorry my post are so few and far between. I got really wrapped up in life. I have really taken couponing to this incredible extreme! No stock pile here though. I am a donating fool. Partnered behind the scenes with many groups right now giving all sorts of goodies to pass on to those in need. It’s like a whole full time job in itself.

Well my princess went in for round two of her hip surgeries. Just two short days after Christmas we were waking to an alarm at 3:00 to pack up and head to the hospital an hour and fifteen mins away from our home. This time Marc had taken off work in advance because we predicted snow and I am not able to drive in that stuff.

The night before. I didn’t sleep. My mind just raced with all the what if’s. I worried again of insurance issues that I wouldn’t understand upon arrival. I worried of the surgery. I worried of her being put to sleep. I worried that before I could get into the room with her a nurse would make some huge mistake and truly hurt my child. My mind didn’t have the ability to stop. I stretched my fingertips to put them on Marc for his heart beat so many times that night to try to calm myself. All those techniques I have been learning to help deal with my anxiety never work once I am full blown panicked.

I remember thinking just let yourself forget for a moment. Maybe pretend it’s a different day. You need to be alert at the hospital to protect your daughter. The last hospital experience being so unpleasant for her I just knew I needed to be awake and know what is going on. I didn’t ever get it to shut off. The drive up to the hospital intensified everything for me.

I kept trying to remember the details. That I knew I could focus on. I would repeat that I didn’t have to worry about a bone graph call because I knew she would get the graph and she did last time and it was good for her to have. I kept thinking that I could expect the screen to change at these times. The time it had the last surgery. I had a note section in my phone showing the exact time it had changed colors and I got the calls during the last surgery. I just kept staying focused.

If I got to her room then I was that much closer to being with her. I wanted to be there waiting so when she pulled in she saw me. I knew everyone else would be more comfortable in waiting area but me. I just needed to get to her room and see her. When Clare pulled up in pain my stomach right then dropped. I expected, I knew but still that look on my smiley little girl just completely made me sick. I felt like I had not taken good enough care of myself pregnant. I thought of walking to work everyday 2 miles while pregnant with her. I thought of every time I allowed some loser to smoke a cigarette near me pregnant. The days of my pregnancy with Clare were some of my toughest ever! Seeing her in the bed in pain my head just filled with all the things I did to create where she was.

After all my child was there from being a preemie. I didn’t take care of the oven she was in to make sure she cooked long enough. That was where my mind went. I couldn’t look to anyone in the room and say help. Help save me from these thoughts. I’m drowning in them. The grew into some gnarly tears those thoughts as the days went by. The nights alone in the hospital while Clare slept. I cried for hours and hours. I replayed it all. Every horrendous thing that happened that 26 weeks she was in my tummy.

Every time a nurse came in I jumped right out of my skin. I worried that they were giving wrong meds. Here I was again asking what can go with what. I was tracking when she got what. One nurse would say her blood pressure was an issue. My complete panic would set in while waiting for another nurse to re-evaluate and then tell me there was no issue. The careless team at the hospital caring for Clare between the doctor rounds bumped her so many times I lost count. Once again I felt like I was on pins and needles and unable to settle at all.

I wanted to waive a wand over my baby and heal her. Take her pain from her eyes and bring back that infectious giggle we all know her for. Her surgery had gone flawless. She had the best doctor I made sure of that. But the recovery in a hospital that doesn’t typically care of kids leaves much to be desired. My anxiety higher than imaginable I feel like it leaves me unable to give her the best me too.

We pushed for home far harder than the last time. Leaving two whole days sooner in fact. The ride home being rough for Clare. Michigan pot holes don’t mix well with hip surgery. I sat in the front seat looking back at her and once again questioning my parenting. Did I push to hard for her to come home? Was this the right choice?

Once home it was clear it was the right choice. My girl in her big comfy chair sleeping through the night gave me peace. I still didn’t sleep much night one home. I couldn’t stop all the it’s your fault she is like this thoughts. Therapy I went on day two. Thinking I had to get some off switch for my brain cause this mama needs sleep. Her advice was simply to talk to my best friend. Tell every detail of what I hide in that hospital. As you can imagine I gave all of you the light version of what my mind thought. Therapist suggest I give the dark version and cry. Maybe let some one hold me and not think that I am crazy. I gave it thought sharing the flash backs I had had sitting in the bed at night at the hospital.

The pregnancy of Clare…. The aftermath of her birth. What I went through entirely alone. When Clare was born it was just that . Alone with the entire world against me. I thought of telling it and maybe letting go somehow. Or finding peace. I planned too… Then I sat watching a movie and thinking if I were to share then I have simply passed the pain on. I’ve let someone who loves me hurt with me. So I pushed it back down and went to sleep. They are still just my demons to hide.

Clare hasn’t even had a need for pain meds since coming home. She is all smiles and feeling really quite good considering. We go back to doctor in a few weeks to see how it’s healing but I have no doubts in her playing basketball and volleyball and all the dreams she has coming true. Home was exactly where she needed to be to recover.

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