Well it’s been quite some time since I found myself releasing my feelings here. The judgement and venom spewed by some readers left me biter. I had no desire to write. I have wrote blogs in my head a million times. Driven done the road saying them out loud instead of allowing anyone to see the words I wanted to type.
When I started my blog I did so as my way of allowing myself my opinions and feelings an outlet. I wanted to empower me. To free myself of the burden of holding everything in. The blog started before I had Marc. I never felt it was okay to have a voice. Often letting it go unheard. The blog was to release myself of that. It was unfiltered and raw. No spell check ever done. No rereading to make sure it made sense to anyone else. That wasn’t it’s purpose.
Hearing that people thought my blog was my pity party was utterly painful. Then the slanderous remarks to my inbox. The enemies I had made in my lifetime all found their way to my blog. Then there was the family that had an opinion on my opinion. Or the ones telling me MY feelings written were wrong. I was overwhelmed and shutting down pretty quickly. Bottling everything back up inside so the world could no longer have their say about it.
So bottling it up hasn’t worked well for me. I couldn’t believe I had given in to everything I said I wouldn’t. Never did I think I would allow some judgement from imperfect people make me choose to leave my blog. See I had vowed not to let that get to me. I knew the opinions of others would come. How can I say freely what I wish and not expect others?
I laid far more at Marc’s feet when I had no outlet to release. My blog did that for me. Now I feel overwhelmed knowing that Marc comes home everyday to hear me unload my worries, sorrows, and frustrations. Not that I would not have unloaded regardless but when you feel bottled up with those feelings they come out in a different way. Like the top has popped off and it explodes all that negativity at once. Where before it was let out here and then expressed to him in a milder manner. It wasn’t so raw and fresh. Writing it here gave me time to process my thoughts before going to him.
Stopping my blog has 100% changed things. I had to take a step back. Should I write a private blog more like a journal for myself? Use one of the hundred paper journals I have at home? Those ideas were great but typing here gave me empowerment because I wasn’t afraid to say this is how I feel! This is how this situation affected me! This is my opinion and it’s okay that I have it! A journal to myself will give me none of those.
Looking deep I have decided that I need this blog and I need it to be the raw and unfiltered release of my emotions and thoughts it was intended to be. A tougher skin I’ll grow. There has been so much change in my life I can’t wait to share about it. Until next time. 🙂