Chaos

Hi guys, Oh my gosh it’s been awhile since I have laid in bed and written here. Heavy on my heart was my desire to write I just couldn’t. Life has been a bit chaotic. Your probably thinking with 8 kids is it ever not chaotic? Your right there! Things lately have just been more chaos than normal.
So we are moving forward in the moving process. A process I truly didn’t think would happen till next year. In fact I have begun painting and improvements on my rental myself because I thought I would be hanging out for a bit. By the time I had the fresh coat of paint on the last of the kids rooms in the rental it became clear that home owning was in the cards.
We contacted a lender and had the green light. Confusion there at first made us believe we hadn’t saved enough yet. So when we got the green light it was like Christmas in October for us. We had already found the house. Our hearts set and our minds planning the space. Our confusion lead to a time delay. The house in our hearts was sold 7 days before we were ready. Crushing blow to our family.
Next we contact a realtor. Marc has one that he has known his entire life pretty much. This of course a win because she is going to understand our needs so much more. Plus we can talk freely. She pretty much has a husband exactly like my soon to be. I relate to every story of her marriage more than you can possibly know. While talking it turns out she is related to my ex husband’s family.


My tummy turns when she says that she knows a girl with my same exact name. I immediately know that it’s my ex’s family she knows. Hearing they are related makes me uneasy and I squirm in my chair. This lady could know everything. She could know of the beatings. She could know that my ex sat in jail over me. Deep breath as she continues it’s clear she knows little of him. He is the black sheep and she didn’t mingle. I feel relief instantly.
House hunting is fun! Looking at the potentials that lay before me. The giant yards and new kitchens I could be making family dinner’s in. Feeling like this is my fairy tale coming true. My life’s desire was to be a wife and mother. To adorn to my family and there needs. Dreaming of a structured happy family life. A home, space, and a happy marriage now here at my fingertips feels surreal.
The perfect house hasn’t presented itself yet. I think this afternoon is the one but only the walk through will tell. Marc has set forth a deadline of us putting an offer in on the first. Time is not on our side. I could easily make a home from anything with him and will adore whatever is in his choosing. In fact many times I had wished to just tell the realtor if you make him happy your job is done. My happiness is just being with him. Nothing else at all matters to me in the least I just want us together in a home. The stove, the kitchen, the rooms, that will all come together as it can and should. My only worry is us in a home together.
I went to the doctor quite a bit last month. Between the two offices it was determined I needed a minor outpatient surgery. I scheduled my consultation for right before vacation and planned to schedule the surgery for after. Thinking that was all to be on my plate.
Of course I was wrong! Clare bear having tummy pains regularly seen her doctor too. A x-ray of her tummy showing backed up bowels also read flagged her hips. Next thing I know we go from having tummy issues to needed to drive an hour away for an orthopedic pediatric doctor.
Clare’s hips having a very real possibility of needing surgery. When they call to schedule for her I now have a vacation, a consultation, and a surgery to work around. The scheduling person seeming distressed at my time restraints. The chaos thickens. Clare hadn’t complained of hip pain ever. She had complained of leg pains on a rare occasion.
Now that it’s been brought to my attention that she has hip issues I see all the signs I missed. I see her take short cuts because walking is painful. The ache in her eyes is so obvious now I feel I failed her missing it before. My mind often thinks of cancelling my apt. to get her in sooner. The disgruntled scheduler in my head.
Housing inspections when purchasing a home are not cheap! We leave for family vacation in less than a week. Guess who didn’t get child support this week? I think that the chaos started to feed off itself and just grow like wild flower. Not getting child support when we needed so much for buying a home, for meds the kids got this week and myself, and for this vacation was devastating for me.
Marc tried so hard to be positive about the money. He tried convincing me things were going to be fine that we were doing good. His ability to put a positive spin on things is remarkable. But frankly I was still worried. This adding more stress to the chaos in my brain.
Losing Amazon associates twice this month did a number to the income too. I put on the thinking cap. Gaining another advertising agency and a easier to hold position with Amazon. Moving mountains to make sure I was still able to put into the family pot what is required of me. ( a requirement set only by myself) I did just that feeling pretty accomplished. It helps when the man at your side takes pride in any and every achievement despite how big or small it may be.
There are many new adventure’s I have taken on now. I will share those with you in the up and coming days. Tips to how I am making Amazon money like crazy for the kids Christmas gifts. Lesson’s to how to get work from home income that can help ease the burden for your significant other. Also I’ll be sharing how I have cut our grocery budgets and started getting groceries for Free!!!!!

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