I have seen so much success and growth since I started this blogging journey of mine. Today I was facing failure once again. For the second time I have violated with Amazon and lost every single dime I had worked my tush off for.
Facing that failure at six am I felt sick to my stomach. You see I wake every morning to watch those numbers grow. I take pride in every single penny. Putting in the work. Sharing and promoting and blogging my heart out for this.
Taking advice of a fellow blogger I violated a policy. Truly never thought to check it against the policy as I was listening to a veteran in the field. I dropped the ball at doing my due indigence to say that least. Knowing that Marc would read the email and know I failed my family was gut wrenching.
Texting him immediately so he would hear from me and not the email. He really doesn’t know much about my field here in the blogger world. About the same as I know about being a mechanic. When he begun to repeatedly point out my mistakes and say I may not have fixed them I was even more depressed. Trying to explain to him over and over I had corrected the error the email was simply an example of it just brought more sadness over me.
I have been asking to go back to a 9-5 for awhile. Because this blogging just isn’t reliable. It’s so easily gone in a day. My desire to provide for my family is so much greater than my health concerns. Marc firmly has been against it. Bringing it up will create a grumpy man fairly quickly.
Sitting on his bed I just sobbed. We want to purchase a home soon and income we were counting on coming next month just flushed down a toilet. How could I not be discouraged.
My morning already making me feel so low then I get a response from my mother. See my little boy he wants a grandma. He calls grandparent’s seniors and has been begging for seniors. Wanting their wisdom and love to fill his bucket. Wanting to give him that I reached to my mother. His senior he wants to be able to go hang out with.
Not one sleepover has ever occurred for him at my parent’s or grandparent’s even though he has always wanted one. I try to be his voice to my mom. Only to receive a response of how she is working on the internet so she can facetime the kids. Facetime from 30 mins away! She isn’t working on visits or sleepovers she is working on facetime!
The disappointment I felt was exactly the same as I had as a child. No one showed up for me. Now no one will show up for him. Have I fucked up so much in life to my family that my children now are paying the price? They seriously just want to be loved. The volley ball games I sat waiting for someone to watch flashed in my head. My kids have done the same waiting game.
I need a bigger house. Working to much right now maybe when work slows. My car isn’t running well. My funds are low sorry.
The excuses are always new but they are just that excuses to why we aren’t important enough for their time. So as I fail now to provide more efficiently to my families financial needs. I also fail them in sheltering them from the heart ache of not being wanted. Today was hard for me.
Avoided Marc the entire day. I can’t look him in the eyes when I feel I failed. Can’t explain to him how low I feel. Escaping to some peaceful space outside and finding some ducks to feed I regrouped a bit.
I regained my Amazon account. Starting from scratch of course losing still my profits. Another retry because what else can we do with our imperfect lives? Making the decision that I would be extremely careful now with links and work hard to make sure I keep my profits this time.
The decision to make no efforts to see any blood family for this Holiday season was made. They can only hurt us if I let them. The pictures I keep sending to my Mom watching to see if she reads them like a hawk hoping she will give us the attention we crave will cease. Can’t keep chasing love that isn’t there.
Tomorrow is going to be a better day. My drive for success will shine through. My ability to turn the other cheek and forget that those who should have time to give just don’t. Turning my focus to those who love me and just letting them love me. Allowing that to be enough and not have the need for the love from those I must force it from.